Status: Rated PG-13 because of language used in later chapters and Abre (main character) isn't just a character to me, as she has helped me see my own light, which seems ridiculous I know. But it's true.

Imprinted Years

Rein

When we'd finished with the whole heart to heart scene that myself and Jessica decided to have, Benedict and I left the house they'd let me relax in for the last several hours or so, but I have to say that the "heart to heart" scene had me overwhelmed in a great kind of sense. Of course we didn't leave until Jessica had told him to keep me safe and for us not to walk too far. Ha-ha! Yeah, like I'm going to be jumping through any hoops in that state, which I believed my mental state, was more at fault for that, as inside my heart, I felt anxious to run and laugh again, only pain stood in the way.

I believed that this was weakness, but it was actually strength for resisting such ignorance to such pain, as pain of the main, will always be far stronger than pain of the body.

I guess that was why I'd been hurting so badly, as spending so many years, sixteen to be exact, pretty much alone, had taken it's toll, but I didn't see how things weren't as they appeared. I believed I had been alone physically, as well as mentally, but I was sure wrong.

But that's life, isn't it? Nothing is ever completely right or how you thought it was.

If it was, I think I'd have been bored of it by now, which would've made it impossible to write this story, as writing can only be done if your heart is in it. Well, it can only be done good, more like, but writing that has no emotion, may as well not exist in my opinion.

"Abre?" I searched for the face I felt I knew too well amongst the icy rock scene where I'd requested to go, but Benedict had to help me at times, as I was still a tad shaky from my last encounter with Silica and maybe the worst, but in some ways, the best. In that moment when she stabbed me so hard I'm sure I can still recall the feeling now if I think about it enough, I realised that I had actually had a pretty fucking good life, which sounds insane to me now, even though I'm the one saying/writing it, but I guess I had. I had loved, I had cried and I had realised that we are all human in parts.

All of us.

That is something that can't ever be destroyed. The rebellion of ignorance and the beginning of a new light, whether I lived to see it shine or not.

I would someday be remembered as the Abre who moulded in with the nature; not the Abre who destroyed it, which was all I could hope for and which was also the reason for my happiness in that time. I was in a whole lot of pain, yes, but it was also a huge relief to realise that I actually did appreciate this life. I appreciated nature and I appreciated love, which was what made me learn.

The reasons as to why I fight on every day.

I could let myself break once again. Breakdown. Shutdown my systems, but what good would that bring?

Ignorance.

But ignorance, ignorance cannot be stated as good in this world. Only in the world that is unknown to anyone other than ourselves. Ignorance is the metaphorical blinds that keep us from seeing the cruelty and suffering of this world. The true world is what ignorance protects us from, but you can't really call it protection, as all ignorance does is lie. We take in the lies, as they're all that keep us sane, but then again, choosing ignorance over reality isn't a sane choice, but having no choice in the matter is a pitiful thing, as that must mean you're unable to detect the difference between reality and the complete opposite.

Insanity, but some prefer to call it "escaping" the cruel world.

I prefer to call it hell, but then again, it has acted as my haven, but who's to say that insanity cannot come in different forms or disguises? Maybe insanity or escaping or maybe even hell has its ways of pretending to be something it isn't. After all, if I or anyone else for that matter, knew that some forms of ignorance were a form of escape in disguise, then maybe we'd all stray from it. No one ever asks to be ignorant, but sometimes, ignorance finds those who're too weak or believe they're too weak to deal with life.

Maybe that is why I've been living in darkness for so long, even when all the lights were switched on.

I guess, that ignorance is a form of darkness, as without wisdom and acknowledgement of all life and space around you, you're not as strong as others who are wisdom and have rebelled to ignorance. I wanted to be strong by hiding from what weaknesses I'd created of myself, but that only made me weaker.

True strength, could only spark from the fire that begins to light when you face your weaknesses and take them for what they are, not what they've done to you. Meaning to understand what has broken you, not fight it because of how much it hurt to be broken by such weaknesses.

"Yes?" I joined him, my eyes steadily meeting his, in an attempt to assure him that I was okay.

I am okay. I am okay.

"You're not."

Just go with it, okay? Please... I can't.

"Be strong?"

I'll show you strong.

"Hmm... I'm sure I'll enjoy the show."

You better had.

Breathe in and out. In and out. Calm my self.

"What do you see when you look at me, Abre?" I took a small step closer to him, a little struck by the rather random question I'd had thrown at me. He caught me off guard. What was I meant to say? I see you as the boy who "enamoured" me so long ago? Well, what felt like so long ago. The boy who saved my life? The man who saved me when it wasn't his place to? Or was it?

"I see Benedict. The light who saved me when I fell into the lonely pit of darkness beneathe my feet. The light that kept the fire a part of me wanted to burn the life out of away. The light that killed all demons that ate away at my soul. The light that opened up my heart and the light that let me open my eyes and see the light that did save me from all of the above. The light that saved me from hell."

But he may have saved me from my true, most honest home, as I was no saint, but a part of me dreaded the thought of being a sinner.

Yet another part of me longed for it, which may have been the part of me that seemed to long for insanity, as that was the part that longed for ignorance and for the escape that would lead to emptiness. The fact that a part of me would rather live a life of nothingness, than any other life, makes me feel afraid, as that must be what true insanity feels like.

No other option, but to run and hope that sometime or someday, I'll feel some kind of pleasure once again.

Only if I chose emptiness, happiness couldn't ever be genuine again. Could it?

"Don't you remember anything, Abre?" I shook my head, not answering him, but questioning him, as I was already oblivious to what he was actually going on about, but this just made it so much more difficult to comprehend.

"I'm sorry. I don't- please, explain." I was confused, so much that I actually began to feel light-headed, which was an unusual feeling for myself, as I always tried to keep steady, but I never had been steady. I'd always been this way, but it was only when a question like this confronted me in this way when I saw the true side to my world.

I've always been this way. I've always been unsteady, I guess, to a certain extent anyway.

"Doesn't matter." He whispered, but loud enough for me to hear.

Loud enough for me to get annoyed at his lies, because it obviously did matter. I could tell by the way he looked away from me, nervously sighing, as if he was afraid. But why was he that way? Was he afraid of me or was he afraid for me?

Either way, I had to find out. The intrigue within was just too powerful to contain any longer.

"Yes, yes it f-" I had to stop myself from swearing at him he was- he... Well, it wasn't him, exactly. It was me, but I hated how I was hurting him this way, whether it was because of me or in favour of me, I hated how he had to put up with this. "It does matter, okay? You're obviously bothered by whatever it is playing on your mind. Please- please just..."

I couldn't think of anything other than a swing swaying softly through the mists of a winter's night many moons ago. I recognised the girl. I recognised the boy and the other girl appearing from the distance. In her hand she held two roses. One white and one black. She'd made them. I remembered laughter.

Playing.

The swing swaying slowly at first, then quick after a few pushes from the girl who held the roses now in her left hand. The girl who still sat happily on the left swing turned her head, her soft, auburn hair flowing in the night's air and smiled to the girl pushing her.

She turned back to the boy next to her. The boy who seemed to be only a couple of years older than her. Maybe about 9 or so and pulled one hand of hers away from the chains that held her high above the ground to blow him a kiss. He returned the gesture and I smile, remembering them so young and so innocent. Remembering myself so young and so innocent.

This wasn't a dream.

This wasn't a nightmare, yet it had me on edge, as I knew that the girl I remembered from that memory, the auburn haired girl with ice blue and emerald green eyes had long changed.

She had now become something she vowed she'd never be.

She lost her innocent, as she'd sinned, but the boy, seemed to have never changed. The other girl as well as, the one who held the roses, she hasn't changed either, as even then she wasn't ever perfect, but I guess none of us are. She may've not sinned to a certain extent as I had, but she always has been the same, which is a good thing. I think.

She never changed her heart and even when she did go through fazes of darkness, she never let them become her.

Not like I did.

She fought them, therefore, she was stronger, but as for the boy, he never had to fight darkness, as light always stood by him. He always stood by light, as darkness never seemed to be an option for him, but even if it had have been, I suppose he would have fought it like she did. They're both strong, but I have always had darkness within, but as I got older, less ignorant of the world I knew, I fought light and I sided with darkness.

Jessica may've chose darkness at certain times in her life, but she never joined it.

She was too smart for that.

The girl who chose to keep the black rose for herself, regardless of it symbolizing a world of emptiness and who chose to give the white rose to her friend of many years. Her friend who was more like a sister to her than any other being or soul. She gave the rose to her, hoping that Abre would keep it close to her heart and remember that no matter what happened, she'd always have the innocent, pure child within to guide her.

I was never meant to let myself forget that part of my life. That girl who I was for many years, but I still failed to notice, that no matter what did happen, parts of me still were there. Left behind like the few leaves of Autumn that actually remain attached to the tree and it's branches, but I was now afraid that I'd already lost too much of myself to ever even think of going back.

I had turned that white rose black and it was nothing about appearance that had me deemed to a life of darkness, or so I thought, it was actually the content of the white rose that had changed also.

The rose no longer understood how to recall precious times, but I was beginning to let the white rose return, as I didn't have to search for the memory that overwhelmed me ever so strongly.

The memory simply found me.

"Please just..." Think. What can I ask of him? Really? I mean, I think I know what I'm doing.

I think I know who I am.

I know I'm sure of who he is, but I still don't know about how long I've known him.

Maybe I've had him in my life longer than just a few mere hours, but if so, was I a good person when I used to know him beforehand? That's what I was always afraid of. Him not loving what I am and only loving what I was. I'm starting to remember a life I'm unsure of, but how can it be possible to have memories that should be non-existent?

"It's not possible. That's the point!"

So, I do know him?

"Yes. More than you think and he loves you more than you'll ever see. You silly girl!"

I know. Silly, stupid, selfish Abre! I need him too. I need to show him that I- I love him.

"Kiss me?" I sounded pathetic, but I no longer cared. A little girl within told me that this was what he knew of me. The innocence. The beautiful side. So why should I have hid from it?

By the way, it wasn't ever meant as a question, which I knew he'd sure understand.

Without having to think or speak, he came over to where I stood. He smiled, like he had done before, but when I couldn't remember and didn't wish to at the time. He was enamouring, but he couldn't have been perfect like I once believed, as no one on this Earth is perfect, no matter how great they are or seem to be.

We are all equals in the sense of perfection being impossible; therefore, we should be able to understand one another's imperfections. Yes?

But no. Us as beings, whether you're human, Asgardian and whatever else may exist on this Earth, none of us seem to understand that we can't always be perfect. If we did understand that, then why should we argue? Why do we fight and how come war exists? I know war has nothing to do with being perfect, but it does link to not understanding others and their beliefs.

But I break from such deep thought and return to reality. Benedict is closer to me now and the wind brushes against my skin, which makes me smile and realise how much I missed the winter. Then I felt as the wind pushed back my hair that now shines in the small yet powerful light about us like flames amongst wood. As my hair is brown and red combined, which I used to dislike, but now, it reminds me of nature, so it makes me smile.

Auburn hair grazing against my bare neck, which tickled a little, like it did when I was younger. When I was stronger, but shouldn't it have been the other way round? Shouldn't I have grown stronger by then? But I couldn't let myself care about such things like strength. This was life. This was love.

This was my lesson I had to learn.

To be bare to all that I'm afraid of: Rules that lead to sincere happiness. Resisting the urges to run from such love that sourced through my veins and heart. Remembering a past I'd hidden for far too long. Ruins that made way for a brighter future and last but not least, as they say, Rein as the true Abre I am.

I am Abre; therefore, I must be brave and relive the light I lived in when I was a child. I was younger and I was free, but I was strong, as nothing on this Earth could ever break me.

Oh, how I've changed.

I may never be superior and to rein as such would only lead to obsession and possession of power I'll be unable to control.

But what I must strive for is truth and love, which I believe I was near to reaching.

I felt as him arms wrapped around my waist and pulled me closer to him, so close I could feel his breath against the skin of my neck. Remembrance. I recognised the feeling and pulled myself closer to him. He was the one who returned my cute gesture when we swung together as children. The one who stayed with me when I couldn't sleep. The one who wiped away any tears I let free and the one who held me close to him now. I loved him for all of that, but mostly, I just loved him.

"I love you, Abre. You have always been the light of my world. Without you, I'd forever live in darkness."

I couldn't hold back the water that spilled from my eyes, but I no longer cared and to be honest, now they were comforting me. Helping me understand such a complicated, cruel and crazy world, but it was only complicated because I was ignorant to my past. It was cruel because it hurt to be confused about such important emotions and memories that should be naturally easy to remember. It was crazy purely because this world will forever be and to be honest, I still don't know the answer as to why it is that way.

But I do know that now I love it more than anything else natural. Well, with the exception of love.

"P-promise me..." I didn't know how to let the words flow like they should've done, but I was nervous of being hurt again. Up until now, I'd been my own torturer, but I was afraid to let myself fall at that hands of anyone other than myself. Benedict would never hurt me intentionally, but hurting him would hurt me. Which is what I was afraid of.

"I promise."

I laughed and pulled away from our embrace to look at him. It was no longe just my embrace or his, it was ours. Something only us could share, which is what made is so brilliant and that's why I hold onto that moment even now. We were bound to one another and no one or nothing could break us.

Even in a hundred years time, when both of our stories have been written and told, we will still never be broken, as this kind of bond is nothing but eternal.

"How can you promise something when you don't know what it is?" His kindness that lurked in the deep blue eyes that clung onto mine had me smiling for longer than I can remember, but I could tell there was more beneath the surface. He had a story of his own, like I have mine, but I didn't know his like he knew mine.

"Because, you are my saviour, therefore, my life is in your hands. Anything you ask I will do my all to fulfil for you. I love you and you have saved me in more ways than just one."

That's the only thing about a bond as strong as ours, once it has been brought to light, it can never be erased, therefore, we will forever be tied. He will always be so gracious in this way towards me and I really don't know how or why I deserve such kindness, but I was and still am afraid of letting him down. He has done so much and all I have done is forget what my past was. My past with him.

My past alongside Jessica.

"You can't promise me such things, Benedict. I am poison. I will abuse your kindness. Please, listen..."

His lips suddenly forced themselves to mine in one quick moment, which I found difficult to resist, but I had to. I couldn't use his love. Abuse it, even. I had to stay strong. I had to fight such lust coursing through my veins, but it was so strenuous. Our passion seemed to roar like lions would when they'd be given a carcass to eat. I was starving for love, but I had to resist.

I'd never be full, even if I did get what I wanted, which is again another drawback to love.

Kissing him also reminded me of our childhood, which was odd for me, as I couldn't remember all of it and I found it hard to take it. How could I believe that my life was actually completely different to how I saw it? How could I break down the barriers of ignorance that hid me from the harsh factors of reality. I had hid from them for too long. I'd betrayed the child within, yet the girl still fought strong.

But the girl also longed for her wings.

Wings that were never hers to possess.

"Please, Benedict!"

I shouted when I finally gathered the strength to pull myself away from such temptation from a soul I longed to know again.

"If you truly love me, you'd promise me that if it comes down to you risking your life to save me you must walk away. Run away if you have to. I am poison. I have turned this way because of my own doing and for that I am sorry. I'm no longer the girl who you loved. The girl who swung next to you many nights ago and turned to you, believing she'd always be that person. I have changed and I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry. I don't know what I can- I think I've lost."

I let the tears fall uncontrollably, but I had a right to cry in my opinion, as I was now beginning to face reality.

I was sick and I feared that I'd never recover from my illness.

I was afraid.

But more than that, I was truthfully, deeply sorry, but sorry was just a word to me now.

Years of pain, self-torturous voices in my mind and darkness were what true sorry meant, but I can't say I was ever a victim.

I did this.

I let myself forget innocence and I let in ignorance.

I have broken, therefore, I will never rein as superior, but now, I have no intentions to.

"We can get through this, Abre. I know it and the fact that you remember parts of your past now is a great thing! Please, don't give up. I love you. I will always fight to keep you safe and I can't promise to run from you. Never again can I let you go. I'm sorry Abre, but that is a promise I cannot make."

I didn't believe that I could overcome this, but maybe we could, as Benedict was stronger than I'd turned out to be.

I didn't see how remembering was a "great" thing, as it only seemed to confuse me further.

I felt that I'd already given up and I was ignorant to the fact that he did really love me. I believed that they were just words at the time.

I didn't see why he had to fight to keep me safe, but now I see that he never had to. He chose to.

I couldn't understand why he was reluctant to promise to save himself over me, but now, it seems obvious to me, as now I understand his love completely.

I didn't realise why he had to be sorry, as I was the one who'd hurt him and Jessica.

I was the one who tried to push him away. Not because I didn't love him, but because I did, as I believed I was never worthy of his love.

Yet he said he can never again let me go. But why not?

How have I helped him? From where I stood, all I remembered was how I'd hurt him in the last few moments. I'd pulled away from him, questioned his love for me and made him promise something he didn't wish to.

From where I stood, all I saw was the good sides of him and all of the bad in me.

He had no reason to be sorry, but I seemed to have many, therefore, I was confused by his sympathy.

"What am I to you? Really? Why on Earth do you actually care?"

I never saw it with my own eyes. Only now I see it right, but then, not a chance.

"You are my Abre and I care because I've already lost you once and I can't bare to lose you again."

He only lost me, because I let myself be lost, therefore, no one could save me.

No one other than myself...