Imprinted Years

“Now, beware of the people who surround you now, Abre,” she stands only feet away. I hear her voice gently through my stiff, listening ears. “I say this, as they can cloud your senses, if you let them, beware, always.”

I close my eyes, repeating the same format as before, searching for a face and the information that matches, therefore leading me to a face, then to a scent, which I could track down if I focused hard enough. I was looking for a male this time, the name unknown, as she said this was just a test to see if I could find this human, without needing a name.

“Okay, so the name is irrelevant to us now, Abre, as I am testing you. Let’s begin; his scent is strong, cloudy and yet distinctive. His atmosphere is gentle, inviting and calm. His crime is finding it hard to trust someone and his nature is generous, yet guarded, in a sense.” I feel a smile coming from where she stands, close to my right side and I breathe it in, embracing her kindness, her love. I love her too, in the ways of respect, honesty and dependence.

I trust her, I trust her when she believes I can do this. I can do this. I can.

I search through categories of names and faces that fill my mind, searching for evidence, not an image or a name. Another of the rules, Jess explained to me beforehand, is that I can’t search for a face. Even if I do find him and when, if I do find him, I approach him, I must stay distant. I can’t see his face or know his name. I wondered over this and speculated Jess wasn’t telling me something. Something that will be important soon, but why would she? If I was about to find out anyway, why hide it. But then I thought of what if she believes that I’m not ready and that this is just a test to prove that I’m not.

Whatever this secret is, I mustn’t be allowed to know about it yet, or else she wouldn’t hide it. So I didn’t question her rules at all. I continued searching, until I sensed him, but he was father away this time. The journey would take longer and there were less people now, so they’d most likely notice if I went fleeing through the streets faster than a car. If I could run that fast that is, but still, I’d look suspiciously fast to them, as I also run faster when my mind is adrenaline ready and set on a task.

I find him, I smell his scent, strong and vigorous as it sticks to my nostrils, forming into every cell of my body and I yearn for more. He really is inviting, isn’t he? I sense his atmosphere next, then his lack of trust and finally, I sense his nature. Generous. I’d gotten him, even without a name or a face; I’d succeeded the first part of this challenge. So I lifted my head up, waiting till the perfect time came to shoot my eyes open once more, like last time and took a deep breath in.

I shook all of the negativity and angst out of my heart and embraced the cool, peaceful, amity of the air. I smiled to myself, as I supposed Jess was a little too distant to see it and got into my running position. I heard Jess copy and then, without even preparing or thinking, I ran.

This person, whoever he was, had me hooked already and that was only going off his nature, smell, disadvantage, which really weren’t one and his atmosphere. He was certainly unique, he must’ve been, as I felt such a drive and force to find him, be nearer to him.

I wanted to be in his atmosphere. Gentle, inviting and calm, even though it didn’t seem as adventurous as I thought I’d attract myself to. Well, the inviting bit was intriguing, I suppose. I still wanted to taste his world. Understand him.

I was already running, the fastest I’d ever ran in my life, towards someone who I didn’t even know anything of, other than his senses and a tad about his character. I’d never felt such a feeling.

Whilst I’m running, I see a muffled face, one that I can’t distinguish the features of, but whom I know is the boy I’m looking for. I close my eyes for a split second, not wanting to lose my step, literally, and imagine him. His face kind, yet mysterious and his eyes, not sure of what colour yet, but warm and a hint of coolness at the same time.

A fusion of the two, which I believed to be odd, as how could someone be cool and warm, combined? I couldn’t imagine it, not until I reached him. I knew it was him, though I couldn’t see a face, only brown hair from the back, a hooded jacket and black chinos. I knew it was him, I just knew it and it was then I too, felt warm and cool at the same time. His presence, his scent, himself even, had me captivated and my heart warmed.

I don’t know how to explain this enamoured feeling I felt when I found him in the crowd. How my heart, before cold due to the strong wind and myself being without a jacket, unlike he, turned to fire within a matter of seconds. I now knew the true feeling of adrenaline.

It is the feeling, when you know and feel that; your heart may never beat faster, yet you fear it may stop. When your eyes are mesmerized by the unknown figure that stands before you, yet you’re still eager to find out more and most memorable above all of the others. When you feel like you’re alive with so many emotions that overpower your body and make you feel like electricity and you feel like you can never reach any higher than the height you currently stand at inside.

Yet you understand nothing as to why you feel this.

I now understand what it is to be truly captivated, by someone or something you don’t even know and you question yourself as to why you are so clung to them or it. But I thought nothing right now. All I felt was attraction, but in a different way to what you’d expect. This was more than that, it was more extravagant, uncontrollable and completely unique, compared to any other emotion or feeling I’d ever felt before now.

“W-who is he?” I ask Jessica, who I know is by my side, even though I can’t pull my eyes away from this stranger. I sense her smile by my side and I smile too, inside obviously, as on the outside, I don’t know exactly.

I am still mesmerized.

“Why do you wish to know, Abre?” she asks, I’m sure she senses my feelings already, as there’s a hint of teasing and understanding in her tone, which is still gentle and relaxed. “Because, he’s enamouring, isn’t he? Don’t you feel it, Jessica?” I ask her, hoping and discouraging her feeling it too, as a part of me wanted her to understand the feeling, but the other would feel jealous if she did. That was wrong of me, I know, such a feeling as jealousy shouldn’t be provoked or even conjured up, but I couldn’t help it, I felt envious of everyone around us, who looked at him in similar ways to how I did.

Attraction, but their attraction was based on looks and mine, purely on character, as I hadn’t even seen his face. I sensed Jess shake her head, which I think she knew, but she answered me anyway. “No, but I have with someone else, which isn’t relevant, I suppose.” I wondered whom she meant afterwards, but right now I was just in a way overwhelmed, how I was the only one who felt such an emotion towards this unknown being. Even though he was human, that no longer scared me. My heartstrings yearned to hear the music of his, beating through his skin that I long to touch.
To embrace myself in him and hold him to me, even though I am unaware of him in some sense. I haven’t seen him, or even gotten to know him yet I want to. I want him to know me too.

“You can’t talk to him, or see him, you know that right?” Jessica asked me in a gentle, yet at the same time harsh, tone and I let my eyes, for one split second, turn from the boy who had me enamoured and drift to her.

I wanted a different statement, one to say that I could speak to him and that I could find more out about him. But I knew, whatever guards she held up, where purely for my safety, or my well being. I trusted her and I knew that whatever she said, whether I liked it or not, was good for me. So I just whispered, still rather upset, more than I should’ve let myself be.

“Okay, I wont.” I longed to see his face, to feel his atmosphere, to near him, but I distanced myself from that dream I’d plastered to my mind.

“I can’t have him, not yet, anyways.”

She hadn’t said anything about me not being able to see him later on, just not now. I clung onto this, hopeful that one day, I could find him again, but what if, what if all of this was because I could sense him now. What if, another day, when I can’t bring myself to bring out my skills, what if I can’t find him? Or even worse, what if I don’t recognise him? Or no longer want him in the way I do now? I may never know his face, his voice, his smile and I may never know if this is a real feeling, this true feeling of love that draws me to him. Or whether it’s false and that I’d hate him or despise him if I ever knew him. But something told me he was different, which made me caught up in his aura more, if anything.

When Jessica nodded to me, telling me, instructing me, that it was time for our departure from the unknown boy, I felt numb. Not in the pleasant way. Not the sort of numbness you feel after reading a heart warming book about love and adventure, not the sort of numb that dries your throat, leaving you speechless, but happy and content, in an unknown way. Not even the numbness that feels you’ll learn more about this life, when you’ve overcome as certain obstacle that threatens your very existence.

None of those, this numbness, can only be described as disappointment and in a strange sense, failure. As if you’ve failed at reaching out for the light that can save you from darkness always and that can constantly make you feel heart soothingly, mind pleasantly and utterly fulfilling numbness in the centre of your heart.

One that imprints on you, but in the most extravagant, most sentimental and the most enthusiastically beautiful and utterly indescribable form imaginable.

So we then left the place I so longed to stay for as long as I could, feeling the pit of disappointment as we turned away. I still remember, even now, how I snuck one quick glance back at the unknown boy, who was now sitting on a bench near the sidewalk.

I smiled, knowing he couldn’t see it, but a foolish part of me hoping he could feel it.

Sense my presence, so then at least he knew how he captivated me so. We ran back to where we continued to rest in. For all of the hours when we weren’t testing the other’s skills or just plainly wandering the streets, we were searching for another student to practise my new tasks on. But tonight, we were both rather exhausted, as the days events may’ve not been too energetic, yet they used up a lot of mental capacity within us, especially me.

I had a feeling that Jessica was only pretending to feel so drowsy and that she was actually letting me have a non-strenuous day, as she thought and well, knew, I might’ve not been able to handle it. To be honest, I was still star struck by the immense power that drew me to the unknown human in the middle of some unknown street. I guess I’d had quite an enormously tiring day. Without even thinking too much of it, the striking thing to me was that I felt I only felt that way, drained and needing rest, after my sighting of him.

I tried to block him out of my mind, discarding any thoughts of my feelings when I sensed him; I hid away the impulses that told me to run after him and that told me I had a shot of finding him and understanding his character.

We’d been in our shabby, yet uniquely homely house, for quite a few wasted, unknown of hours. It’d felt like we’d only been away from my heavenly scene for a few mere minutes, when I checked my watch to read, “20:42” Which shocked me to the point where I was speechless for a few moments. How could it be eight forty two already? We came back home at 17:50!

I was left gob smacked by the mass of time we’d discarded. Purely by just simply talking, staring into nothingness and the very odd song or random formation of lyrics. Lyrics that were made into some very short lasting tune. Jessica didn’t sing too much though, she said that she couldn’t sing at all when I asked her why she didn’t, but I listened carefully, humming the songs she told me were her favourites. She was actually quite good, not as jilted as I when I’d randomly make the wrong key or note, but I hardly did it to get top marks. Though it’d be a bonus.

I guess I did it because it made me feel lightened and well, happy. It was a part of me and a gigantic part of me admired the art that is music. I always felt electric, alive when I sung. So what reason was there to stop?

“So, what do you wish to do, Abre?” Jessica asked in an overly intrigued tone, as if she was hiding something from me again. Speculating over some major yet small piece that’d be useful for her to note in her memory. Like a teacher would jot down key points for a theme in the following lesson, secretly, not wanting any of the students to be aware of it, until they’re ready to face such a challenge.

This made me suspicious, in a way that I couldn’t explain exactly, but I distanced myself from curiosity and decided to leave it for now. I knew when the right time was to ask demanding and what may be important questions, now wasn’t the time.

“Can I go for a walk?” I felt stupid, childish even, but most aggravatingly, pathetic, asking her this, as I would’ve felt asking any other being such a question. It was my body, my life, of course I could go, but a part of me wished to be respectful towards her, like I’d be towards my family, well, father.

She was a part of me and her opinion mattered just as much as my own.

“Sure,” she smiled, guessing that I wanted to go alone, by the almost hopeful tone in my voice, “be careful, though and watch your back.” I laughed, smiling to myself inside and shot her a light hearted, sarcastic glance, knowing what I’d say next would be slightly mocking to her wishes to protect me so.

“Haha, okay then, mother. See you later and I promise I’ll be back for nine thirty.” She smiled, in a way that told me instantly, that she thought of me like I thought of her. A friend who she could trust, laugh with and joke with. I liked that sort of friendship, as I’d never known any sort, but if I’d the choice, I’d still choose the friendship we shared.

I’d been out in the wilderness of the empty streets at night for an hour or so now, still wandering around the same old town, only a half hour away from our resting place. I closed my eyes now, taking in the cool air that circulated me, enclosed me, filled my lungs and freshened my heart, which made me feel enlightened once more.

I was no longer enamoured by the boy, as he’d left town long before now, but instead, I’d found a new source to captivate my mind and body.

Nature.

The wind brushing against my skin that was bare to the fresh, winter’s night, the small speckles of snow that fell onto different patches of my face.

My nose, my cheeks, and my eyelids every time I blinked or closed them. I also liked the feeling of the cold, that not only made me shiver a tremendous, yet immense shiver that shook my entire self, but also made me feel complete, warmth, obviously not physically. The cold made me feel like I was stronger, as I felt strong for daring the knives it threw at my bare arms and face and shoulders. I took all it had to throw at me and let the warmth in my heart grow, as the warmth on my outside drifted.

It didn’t matter how frozen, how icy, how chilling I felt on the outside, as long as my heart was warmed and fulfilled, I’d always be fine.

I walked till me feet ached, still wanting to continue, but couldn’t seem fit doing so, as it’d gotten already to 23:37 and I was still quite far from home. I felt odd, wrong and even guilty for even considering staying out later, I didn’t wish for her to worry, though I loved the gentle touch of fresh air against my bones, my skin, my own self. Nothing in this world seemed better to me than that. Well, maybe that statement could exclude friendship, as friendship meant a lot to me at the time too. I only had her and I wished to stand by her, no matter what my mind or my body told me to do, I’d do what she said, as long as it made sense to me of course.

I set out walking back, the air getting frostier as I took smaller strides and looked about the street around me. The dimmed, shadowed objects that circled me. That seemed to follow me, as there were identical; bins, roads, houses, lines on the road, streetlamps and even almost identical strangers. As in the dark, the mists of the night, all their expressions seemed similar to me.

Fatigued, restless, meaningless. I continued on, analysing those who I passed, which were a mere few, sadly, as I liked analysing those about me. Even though they all wore the same facial gestures and walked in the same zombie like way, I admired their courage to walk the streets alone at night and they intrigued me. Out in the dark, hardly anyone else in sight, I wondered what their stories were and how they’d gotten here.

The roads were glistening in patches were rain had covered the empty streaks, left by cars and trucks earlier on. These roads were unlike those in the other seasons, they were more stunning, more outstanding, as they encased my attention in their every glisten. I was immerged into their shining effect on the usually dull, coal coloured roads. They made something so simple, so overridden, so unnoticeable into something magical and magnificent.

They enamoured me, always sparkling when I’d glance over and I often found myself thinking, as to why others didn’t see their beauty in the winter months. The lights shone all around me. Lighting my road ahead and guiding me through the exceedingly familiar streets, which was awkwardly confusing, as they all looked exactly the same as all of the others I’d already passed. The signs kept my head in gear though, telling me when to take a left or a right. I knew the way almost perfectly after the next few streets that followed, but getting to the point I recognised seemed to be more strenuous, especially in darkness.

I finally found a street named, “Edinburgh Hillgate,” and I knew my way from there. I continued following the map I’d set up for myself in my mind, making sure every turn, every move I made was correct. I passed many suspicious faces, those who seemed to be withholding secrets of some sort, or just came across as rather edgy and mysterious, in more of a remorseful outcome, instead of the much more accountable intriguing. Although, these characters did take my interest, but not in the way I preferred. I often found myself overly wary of them, so I kept a safe distance.

I knew these streets well enough to run away if I needed to, so I wasn’t too alerted by their questionable presence.

When I returned home, I was in complete obscure darkness, which sent chills down my spine as I wished for it to be now lighter. I’d never felt so alone, vulnerable and so dark in my entire existence, but why, on this one night, did I feel in such a misty aired manor? I suddenly had the overruling feeling of that I was choking, by the hands of suspicion and the deep array of pure darkness. So I kept my movements steady and quiet, as I slowly moved through the hallways of my earlier calm and reassuring home.

I slowed as I reached each ajar doorway, my cold heart beating ridiculously quick every time I thought of myself not being alone here. By that, meaning there was another conscious soul about this house. One that was dark, red with blood and eager to inflict pain.

I knew I wasn’t alone, obviously, but chances were, Jessica would be drifted into the deep lands of distant sleep.

This only made my guard rise higher than before, ready to ward off any uninvited guests, that may’ve been lurking the dark walkways that was now my home. Our home and I now feared the darkness, that used to pull me in so intensely, so enamouring to my beating heart and my thriving soul. I was afraid of the demons the darkness cast about each room, each hallway I entered or walked through and I sensed all of the secrets, all of the untold lies, the darkness had in it’s grasp.

Darkness brought fear, suspicion, opportunities for those who preyed on those daunting any strangers about their home and all of these, now dawned on me, as I kept my feet moving, only by the drive that if someone else was about me, I would be ready to overthrow them and make them wish they’d never stalked upon I, as I was and I still am…

Abre Lisgora Laufeyson.

I told myself to calm down drastically, as my heart was now pumping quickly out of control and my head was wildly spinning with all of these exasperated and wildly impacting emotions I had within me. I felt frustration deeply, as I very much disliked the overwhelming, demanding feeling of ambivalent feelings of fear, concern and intrigue to find out the truth of the matter.

When my heart rate felt healthier and a heck of a lot more relaxed to me, I closed my eyes, taking in the silence and the natural happiness that was peace, as I no longer let myself wander over insane outcomes in my mind, which beforehand, made it much harder to concentrate on staying sane and made me feel anxious, as the voices in my head told me to panic.
I was now relatively chilled, inhaling and exhaling the heavy mist of darkness about me. Which right then, no longer bothered me, as my eyelids were still closed, blocking the vision from affecting me like before.

I continued on into the living area, still rather on edge as I popped my dizzy head around the corner of the ajar opening, but nothing startled me or crossed my path that my eyes followed. So I then walked away, opposite the living room and began on the stairs, I carefully enclosed the palm of my hand around the knob of the staircase, and then wrapped my fingers around it. Clinging to it, as I regained my consciousness, my head was now heavy, with the surprise of my newly found alertness whenever darkness is concerned.

When I’d fully recovered from my minor faze, I pulled my right leg up and placed my shaky foot onto the first step of the staircase. I now felt a new sensation of succeed, as the humans say, the first step is always the hardest. I then felt along the beam of the staircase with my left hand, guiding my blinded senses along the path that lead me to the upstairs of this usually comforted house, as my eyes were still struggling against the pitch black array that hit them every time I blinked and the scents around me where then miffed by the overwhelming mist about my darkened figure.

When I reached the top of this currently daunting and creaking staircase, I began to stand my ground, as I felt a weary presence about me. I then was about to take my last step onto the landing that greeted me, when I paused myself, frozen in my tracks. Instead of alone darkness, a feeling of coolness about me and a new sense of achievement having conquered the stairs, I suddenly felt outrage and intrigue rolled into one.

Before me, a dark figure, two blunt eyes and a shadowed face stood.

I could hear the breathing of this presence clearly, as mine had muted. It moved closer to me and naturally, not willingly, I took a careless step back from it, confronted by fear, which was the matter that outraged me. I felt weak, I felt pathetic. I felt like I was the prey and somehow, I knew that this presence wasn’t the friend I longer him or her to be. It was something else, something I feared I must avoid at all costs.

“Hello,” was all she said, as I figured it was a she, by the natural, slightly higher pitch in her voice. Rather than a low, booming pitch if it was a he, as it was attempting to portray itself as sinister. With a he, it’d be more natural, I guessed, as they’d simply have a deep, serious tone without even trying. Which would therefore add to the menacing, sinister act it’d intended to play out.

Although, she did surprise me with her announcement, not only because of the entity of the speech itself, but also because of the natural sounding, controlling mannerisms that lurked behind the sadistic crazed, mental tone she put on rather excellently. I smiled at her, a pathetic attempt at controlling the mighty fear and shock that conducted throughout my body. Throughout my senses and my cells and steadied myself.

She could smell fear, I could tell by how she sniffed the air, yet the air’s scent was so little, it was barely even apparent or even likely to exist among us. All I could smell about me was confusion and demanding questions. I wished to know why she entered our home, why she wished to greet me in this supposedly scaring manner, why she wanted to cross my path. Yes, she made my insides cold and my heart beat in an unpleasantly manner, but I still watched her eyes carefully, stalking them. I was not her prey, I was not her controller either, and I was wary of being her match.

Well, I didn’t wish for any of them, I didn’t want to feel weak, nor inflict weakness on others and I certainly didn’t want another equal. I already had someone alike myself and she was the most important person I needed there and then. I didn’t see that back then, any of it. I saw her as a dear friend, yes, but I didn’t think of her as I do now. I should’ve done and it seems so simple doing so looking back, but I didn’t have the wisdom or strength to do so.

“So this is meant to scare me then?” I asked in a teasing, confident, critical and condescending tone, little did I know whom I was dealing with. “Or make me scream out? Cry out in terror at the horrific figure that stands before me? Lurking within the darkness.”

I laughed, a foolish act of selfishness and underestimating this serpent’s true strengths and how her few weaknesses conflicted with that. Only making her stronger, more dangerous to the eyes and self, more overruling, which was a bad thing, trust me.

She came closer to where I now stood, I’d left the stairs behind me, but I still stood only inches from where they began to descend. If she wished to kill me, painfully yet rather quick, she could merely push me and I’d fall to my death, or descend myself, into deep darkness, leaving me to yell out in agony and sheer shock. I wouldn’t be shocked by her pushing my limp, frozen self down a flight of stairs, I wouldn’t be shocked by any act of pain inflicted by this cruel, sadistic being that stood before me, but I would naturally shock myself, if and when I collided to the ground with one booming hit. I wasn’t yet afraid of her, I should’ve been, but some fear can grow with age and also, with wisdom, but I was afraid of what she could do to me.

Kill me; make me shake with disturbing cold that threatened my body, or even worse, make me into a being like her.

Cold hearted and cold blooded, which was a match that shouldn’t be made.

No exceptions…