In The Name Of

I sat there in the room where they held my daughter, she finally fell asleep holding on to my finger through the bar of the caged bed were they kept her. I understand why they had to keep her in the cage, she was a little girl and they didn’t want her wondering around the hospital or falling out of the bed in her sleep; but it still hurt looking in on your own daughter caged up like some animal. Casey was sitting next to me, she held on to my free hand and squeezed it every once and a while so I knew that she was still there. I was completely out of it; I never thought that this would ever happen to her. Doctor Markland walked in to the room looking at me he smiled a gentle smile; I didn’t smile back at him my eyes were glued on Adrianne.

“Loren, you should try and get some sleep,” He told me softly. I only shock my head.

“How can anyone sleep when they know that their own child is sick like this?” I asked him. He shrugged and looked at the monitor that they hooked her to so they could monitor her.

“It takes time, but you look tired and I think it would be best if you tried to get some sleep. Go ho-“ I cut him off.

“No. I’m not leaving her here alone…” I told him, Casey looked up at the doctor and slipped her phone in her pocket she stood up. “Please let me stay…” I asked softly. Doctor Markland sighed, looking around he nodded.

“Alright Loren, we’ll move her to a room where you two can be together. But you have to promise me that you will try and get some sleep.” I told him that I would and I walked out going in the direction that he pointed, Casey was close behind. She sighed and took my arms in hers looking down the long white hallway she saw pictures that some of the little kids have done.

“She’ll be okay Loren,” She told me softly.

“I know she will be, she’s a trooper,” I sniffled resting my head on her shoulder, and then I saw that two nurses were pushing Adrianne down the hall. I got a glimpse of her dull eyes looking at me; she couldn’t even lift her arm to wave. God just seeing her like that made me want to cry my eyes out; Casey pulled me close to her and slowed down the pace so they good get everything set up in the room for Adrianne before we made our presence there. Once the nurses left the room I quickened the pace and saw that Rae was propped up and she was looking at a teddy bear in her bed. I walked into the room and she only blinked at me; I didn’t even get a ‘hi mama,’ pulling a chair up I sat next to her sticking my hand through the cold metal bars I took her small hand in mine.

“Hi baby,” I told her softly, she smiled softly and wiggled her fingers in my hand. “You’re such a girl good baby,” I told her softly. Casey took a seat on what was going to be my bed and I think she was texting someone because I heard the familiar clicking sound of the key pad on her phone. Rae closed her eyes and then drifted off; I grabbed the teddy bear at the end of her bed and placed it under her little arm. I knew that if she had something to cuddle she would feel more at home, and maybe just maybe she would feel better.

“Brian says he wants Rae to feel better,” Casey told me softly.

“I want her to feel better too,” I sighed, looking over at Casey she patted the bed. I guess that means that she wants me to lay down; even though I didn’t want to lay down I did promise Doctor Markland that I would try and get some sleep. Getting up I laid on the bed looking up at her she laid down next to me and took a hold of my hand, lacing our fingers together. “Is it my fault Casey?” I asked her softly. Casey looked at me and blinked a few times.

“Are you serious?” She asked me.

“Yes, I feel like it’s my entire fault that she is so sick,” I told her softly. Casey kissed my head and looked into my eyes. I had to be honest with her and I don’t really think she liked the fact that I was talking like this.

“No Loren, this isn’t your fault. She’s a kid little kids can get sick,” She told me softly. “It Adrianne will be okay I promise,” she told me softly kissing my forehead. I knew that she was right, but I still can’t help but think that it was my fault maybe if I would have just made her happier and got back with Matt she wouldn’t be so sick. Casey looked at the clock and told me that she had to go, her and Alex were supposed to go out tomorrow and spend some time together; since he leaves to go back home to his boyfriend. We said our good bye and she left me in the room with Rae; I watched her and swallowed the lump that was forming in my throat.

“I’m so sorry Rae,” I whispered and closed my eyes only for a moment and then I heard her mumble something; she mumbled ‘daddy,’ oh Rae I can’t take this anymore. I got up and walked out of the room and made my way to the smoking quarters of the hospital, I really hope that it isn’t too late to call him. I scrolled through my contacts I stopped on Matt’s cell phone number. I swear I started at that number for at least five minutes; finally I brought myself to hit the talk button and put the phone to my ear. “Oh please Matt answer the phone,” I whispered. I was just about to give up hope and hang up when I heard a groggy voice hit my ears.

“Hello?” He answered.

“Matt…it’s Loren,”