Parenthood

“Julie, c'mon! It's almost eight o'clock! Billie shouted from the kitchen.

I was in the process of trying to get Emma dressed for school and we were running a little behind. The baby making wasn't exactly going like we had hoped and add the fact Emma had been a little terror this morning, you could say that I was at my wits end. “Emma, put down the doll and let me put your shoes on.” I scolded.

“Hold on, Mommy!” She exclaimed while still playing with her dollhouse.

I sighed. “Emma c'mon. You're going to be late for school.” I groaned. Emma continued to ignore me and this time I fucking lost it. “Emma Rose Armstrong, put down the fucking doll and get your shoes on.” I snapped. Her eyes widened and she stared back at me blankly. Tears pooled in her eyes as Billie appeared in the doorway.

“What's-” He started as Emma ran over to him and latched onto his legs.

“Daddy!” She wailed.

His eyes widened as she wept and he looked up at me in such a way that my heart instantly dropped into my stomach and it dawned on me that I had just cursed at our child. It would have been different if she had only heard me, but no I cursed at her, which was a giant no-no. Emma continued sniffling and whimpering and I felt like the worst Mom on the planet. I shouldn't have lost it like that.

“What is wrong with you?” Billie whispered to me harshly while lifting Emma up.

I stood there silent, feeling like a idiot for not being able to come up with an answer. I watched as Emma rubbed the fresh tears in her eyes.

“C'mon munchkin let's get your shoes on.” Billie said while picking up her shoes and brushing past me without saying a word.

I knew then that I had fucked up big time. Billie and I were not on very good terms already, so this just added fuel to the fire. We had already been bickering back and forth this morning and it had caused a lot of tension between us. I rushed into the living room just as he finished tying Emma's shoes. She looked at me over his shoulder and then back down at her shoes. My baby. I hurt my baby and I needed to fix it, so I walked over to the couch and sat down next to her and gave her a little smile. “Hi Emma.” I said. She continued looking at her shoes.

“Hi.” She said softly while not looking up. I bit my lip. “Mommy's sorry for yelling at you.” I said sincerely. She glanced up at me.

“Really?” She questioned.

I nodded. “Mommy shouldn't have yelled at you like that or said that really bad word.” I told her. “Mommy just has a lot of things on her mind.” I admitted while looking directly at Billie, who was trying his best to ignore me. Emma got off the couch and stood in front of me.

“Okay, I forgive you, Mommy.” She exclaimed while hugging me tight.

I almost laughed at how quickly she could get over something she had previously been so torn up about. Billie stood up and picked up her jacket.

“Emma we need to go.” He announced.

I kissed her head and walked her over to the door and watched as Billie helped her with her jacket. They were about to walk out the door when Emma stopped.

“Wait, aren't you going to kiss Mommy bye?” She questioned.

I looked over at Billie who remained emotionless. He stared at me for a second like he was contemplating what he should do and he finally shook his head.

“I'll kiss Mommy later.” He said as he walked out the door and shut it behind them.

Ouch.

I stood there for moment, kind of in shock. This was the first time Billie had ever blown me off like that. Even when we had fought in the past, we always kissed each other goodbye or goodnight. Part of me had expected him to simply do it because Emma had asked, which would have been okay with me. It would have let me know that he wanted to at least fake it in front of our daughter. It hurt me to know that this time he didn't even care enough to do that. I had that sickening feeling that later would never come.

~***~

When Billie returned from taking Emma to school, World War 3 broke out and quickly.

“Will you please shut the fuck up about the damn clothes!” Billie shouted at me.

We were in each others face, both in a fit of rage. “No, I won't shut the fuck up about it!” I exclaimed. Billie clenched his jaw and growled.

“God, you're such a bitch!” He fumed.

My eyes widened and I saw red. “You're an asshole!” I spat while slamming the clean plate I was holding against the floor and storming off. I didn't know why I was so angry, the argument started as a simple request for him to pick up his dirty clothes and ended with a broken plate. I was thankful Emma wasn't home right now because I didn't want her to see us fighting like this. This was happening too often and over what? Dirty clothes? Recently, we could hardly be in the same room without fighting over something. Part of it was due to the fact I still wasn't pregnant and it was taking it's toll on both of us, mentally and physically. We were taking it out on each other and I knew that deep down it wasn't either of our faults.

~***~

Things weren't much better by the time Emma got home and by that time I had already started to make dinner. We ignored each other if at all possible and only spoke if necessary for Emma's sake. Unfortunately, even after this morning's events Emma was still trying to push my buttons. Be it her constantly getting in my way or whining because I wouldn't let her eat her Halloween candy, she was definitely trying my already paper thin patience. “Emma go tell Daddy to come eat.” I said while getting plates out of the cabinet. She grinned and climbed off the couch to run into our bedroom. I knew that Emma wasn't a huge fan of spaghetti, but tonight I didn't feel like putting a whole lot of thought into it. Tonight she was just going to have to suck it up. She entered the room holding Billie's hand, leading him towards the table.

“Daddy's here. Can I have candy now?” She asked while climbing up into her chair.

I shook my head. “You can after dinner.” I promised while setting her plate in front of her. She crinkled her nose and turned to Billie, who was already eating.

“Daddy, do I have to eat this?” She asked him.

Billie looked at her plate and shook his head.

“No, you don't have to.” He answered.

I glared at him. “Billie...” I said in a warning tone. He looked over in my direction and back at Emma.

“Don't make her eat something she doesn't want, Julie.” He replied.

I cut my eyes at him and looked back at Emma. “You need to eat, Emma.” I asserted. She shook her head.

“I don't want it.” She argued. I closed my eyes and sighed. “Emma, you either eat now or you don't eat at all.” I warned. Emma huffed and crossed her arms.

“Daddy, make her stop.” She whined.

My eyes widened. “Emma, stop it.” I warned. I looked at Billie who was still eating, ignoring everything that was going on. “Are you going to help me or not?” I said harshly. He looked up and shook his head.

“If she doesn't want the spaghetti, don't make her eat it. God, calm down.”

I clenched my jaw and turned to Emma. “If you're not going to eat go to your room.” I said calmly. Emma shook her head.

“But, Mommy I don't to!” She whined.

I pointed towards her room. “Go.” I commanded. She continued to sit there. “Emma...now.” I said lowly. Her eyes darted towards me quickly and back down at her lap. She reluctantly got down from her chair and walked to her room. It wasn't until her door closed that Billie and I looked up and each other, both silent. “Why didn't you fucking help me?” I hissed. Billie rolled his eyes and took his plate to the kitchen.

“She's five, Julie. Did you like everything your parents made you eat?” He questioned.

I groaned loudly and picked up my unused plate.

“Going to break another plate?” Billie asked while running his under the kitchen faucet.

I cut my eyes at him and slammed it down. “Are you going to call me a bitch like earlier?” I spat. Billie shrugged.

“Well, you're being one. So, yeah I think I will. Julie, you're being a bitch.” He taunted.

My hands closed into fists as I leaned forward, daring him to repeat his words once more. “You're such a dick.” I growled. Billie rolled his eyes. “You're such a dick.” He mocked, which only made me angrier. In return, I gave him the finger. He raised his eyebrows.

“Oh, is that something else you want to teach our daughter?” He snapped, reminding me of this morning. I clenched my jaw. “Shut the fuck up. You know I didn't mean to do that.” I snapped back. Billie moved to where he was inches from my face.

“Stop yelling at me! God, is that all you can do?” He seethed.

I glared at him. “Stop giving me reasons to yell at you, Billie!” I was sure Emma could hear us and was relieved that she hadn't come out of her room. We both huffed and turned away from each other. I shook my head in disgust and turned to walk away.

“So, you're just going to walk away?” Billie shouted.

I slammed our bedroom door shut. This was getting fucking ridiculous. I paced our bedroom calling him everything I could think of in my head, because whether or not he cared to call me names, I could never bring myself to say the things I was thinking. Ever. It would crush him to know that I thought he was being a really shitty husband and that I did have doubts about how much he loved me at times. No matter how angry he made me and no matter how frustrated I was, I could never ever say or do something like that. I loved him too damn much. Some how through all of this shit, I still loved him more than life itself, and right now, I didn't understand why. He was being a complete ass and yet I still couldn't be the bitch he said I was and make him feel like that. I just couldn't.

~***~

After I had calmed down and my anger was no longer visible, I went to Emma's room to get her ready for bed. She was sitting with Leroy on her bed, in the process of stuffing a Reese's Cup in her mouth.
“Hi, Mommy.” She said with her mouth full.

I smiled and sat down on her bed. “Hi, Emma. I see that Daddy has already been in here.” I said while picking up candy wrappers. Emma nodded sheepishly. I chuckled and shook my head. “Well, it's bedtime lovebug.” I said while getting off her bed and going to get her clean pajamas.

“Sorry I didn't eat your dinner, Mommy.” She said while tugging her shirt over her head, which she was having a little trouble with.

“It's okay.” I said while handing her the top to her pajamas. When she was dressed and ready I pulled her covers back and waited for her to climb in. I was busy getting her situated when she tapped my shoulder.

“Mommy, why are you and Daddy mad?” She asked.

I sighed. “It's nothing for you to worry about, lovebug. Mommy and Daddy are just disagreeing on something.” I answered. She picked at her bedspread.

“I love you, Mommy.” She said. I felt my heart swell.

Since Billie and I have been arguing so much, that was the first time I had actually heard the words 'I love you' in weeks. I smiled and kissed her head. “I love you, more.” I whispered while tickling her stomach. She giggled and held Leroy close. I stood up looked back at her once before shutting off her light and closing her door quietly. I assumed that Billie was off in some other part of he house, probably writing another song to tell the world of how big of a bitch he married. Truth be told, I was still pissed. I wasn't anybody's bitch. Not even his. It bothered me that he'd even call me that. I walked back into our bedroom and shut the door. It was was only nine o'clock but I really just wanted this shitty day to end so, I took a shower and went to bed but I didn't sleep. I couldn't. I tossed and turned for over an hour before I heard Billie come in the room and shut the door. I stayed facing the wall and pretended that I actually was asleep. I heard him as he unzipped his pants and climbed into bed. He started scooting closer and closer to me, which was odd considering what all had gone down today. It wasn't until I felt his hand inching up my thigh that I realized what he was doing. I gasped and grabbed his hand. “What the hell are you doing?” I whispered harshly. Billie smirked, even through the dark I knew that he was.

“I think you know.” He said while climbing on top of me, running his hands up and down my sides.

“Get off of me.” I hissed while pushing him away. I couldn't believe he actually thought he had a chance in hell of getting in my pants tonight. Billie chuckled lowly and attempted to kiss me. “Get off, Billie!” I said while shoving him. He laughed, while staying positioned above me.

“Well, I'm trying to.” He said just before I pushed him completely off the bed. I reached over and turned on my lamp to see him red with anger.

“What the fuck, Julie!?” He spat.

Anger radiated through me. “You wouldn't even kiss me this morning! Did you really think I was going to let you fuck me?” I shouted. Billie glared at me.

“What? Am I not allowed to touch you now?” He growled.

My eyes narrowed. “Not when you say shit like you did today. You've been such an asshole. The last person I would want to have sex with is you! ” I hissed. My words were harsh but I didn't care. I could tell I had hurt him with the last part but right now my anger overpowered everything, including my conscience. “You're an idiot!” I added. I honestly couldn't believe I was saying this shit, normally these are the sort of things I keep to myself but not tonight, no tonight I was going to be the bitch he said I was. Billie didn't say anything as moved hastily off the floor and slammed our door shut behind him. I was breathing heavy and could barely see straight. It wasn't until I looked at the picture on my nightstand table that I thought about Emma and how loud we had been. I climbed out of bed and opened our door to reveal no sign of Billie. There was a good chance he had left and I honestly didn't care. I walked towards her room and as I got closer I heard her voice.

“Daddy, why are you so mad?” She asked. Billie was standing beside her bed with his back to the door, still visibly angry.

“Because your mother is being ridiculous and annoying and I really hope you don't take after her because any man who is stuck with someone like Julie has got to be miserable.” He replied bitterly.

My heart sank and I'd be lying to say that his words didn't cut me deep but I was angry at the fact he was saying this to our child. She didn't need to be hearing any of this. I stood there a little longer to see what else he would say but the rest of their conversation was him trying to convince her to go to sleep. I turned and went back to our room and started to remake the bed we had destroyed when I heard a small knock at my door. I put down the pillow I was holding and opened it to reveal a tearful Emma.

“Mommy?” She sniffled, hugging my legs tight.

I sank to floor and pulled her close. “What's the matter, baby?” I asked while standing back up and carrying her towards our bed. She sniffled and hugged me again.

“Daddy was mean to you.” She whimpered. “He said mean things.” She added.

I sat down and pulled her into my lap while kissing her head. My anger was on a completely different level now and I realized just how bad things really were. Our own daughter could sense that things weren't alright between us and it scared me.

“Can I stay with you, Mommy?” Emma whispered.

I smiled and pulled the covers over both of us. Emma and I use to do this quite often when Billie would be on tour and I was glad to have someone with me. “Of course you can, lovebug.” I whispered while reaching over to turn out the light. She slept close to me and for a while I just watched her. She looked so much like Billie and her green eyes were a constant reminder. Laying here with her made me realize that Billie and I weren't the same couple that had made her. I got up once and saw that he was sleeping on the couch. Him sleeping on the couch wasn't us at all. The harsh things we had said to each other, that wasn't us either. This was new low for us and for once I didn't know how to fix it.