Parenthood

Not much had changed in the next week. The little talking we had been doing was completely gone and was replaced with silence. Emma had even picked up on it and strangely she wouldn’t have anything to do with Billie. Anybody that knew Emma knew that Billie was her world and the rest of us were just living in it. Today she full on ignored him and some part of me was happy that she was supporting me in her own way, but the mother in me knew that I had to correct her on it. As mad at Billie as I was, every time Emma ignored him my mind instantly would go back to the day when she had said she hated him and the pained look on his face would force me to feel a little empathy towards him. That’s why when Emma wouldn’t kiss him goodbye I had to step in. Billie was crouched down in front of her, trying convince her to kiss him and she wasn’t having it.

“C’mon Emma, just one kiss.” Billie pleaded.

She crossed her arms and shook her head. Finally, after a moment of waiting, Billie just gave up and stood to grab his jacket. I would have just let him leave if it weren’t for his sad puppy eyes. Emma had already went to her room to play and something inside made me grab his arm before he turned to leave. “Wait.” I begged. He turned around and cut his eyes at me.
“Why? You going to tell me how shitty of a Dad I am now?” He spat. I wanted to retaliate and yell back but I knew that would just make it worse.
“I’m already in the lead for shittiest husband.” He mumbled. I rolled my eyes and shoved past him. “Just wait here.” I hissed while quickly walking across the living room and over to Emma’s bedroom. I realized that it wasn’t really fair to Billie if Emma treated him this way because she didn’t really understand what was going on between us. All she knew was that he had said something hurtful about me to her, not the reason why we were angry at each other. I closed her door behind me and jumped a little in surprise as she was building a fort of stuffed animals around her. I sighed and crouched down beside her. “Emma, why won’t you kiss Daddy bye?” I questioned. I knew the answer but I wanted to hear it from her. She shrugged.

“Daddy was mean to you, Mommy.” She answered.

I nodded. “Yeah, but Daddy wasn’t mean to you.” I reasoned. She shrugged again. I rubbed my eyes tiredly and sighed. “Emma, do you remember when you said that really mean thing to Daddy?” I asked. She hesitated a moment and then nodded. “Well, you’re hurting Daddy’s feelings the same way by not kissing him goodbye. You don’t want to make Daddy cry again do you?” She gasped and shook her head quickly. I honestly felt bad about pulling a guilt trip on her like this but I knew it was the only thing that would work. I was pissed at Billie, but I couldn’t stand to see him hurt like that again. Emma had this look on her face and I knew that she felt bad and was ready to cave.

“D-did Daddy leave?” She questioned.

I shook my head. “No, he’s still in the kitchen.” I told her. She paused for a moment and then stood up.
“I’m-I’m going to tell Daddy bye.” She said while pulling me towards the door. I smiled to myself. It worked. It was wrong but it worked. Emma quickly walked through the living room and ran over to where Billie was waiting beside the counter. A smile crept to his face as he crouched down and held out his arms. Emma practically leaped onto him and kissed his mouth hard.

“Bye, Daddy I’ll miss you.” She mumbled against his neck. Billie grinned and kissed her head before standing up.

“I’ll see you later, munchkin. Be good.” He said before glancing over at me and then walking out the front door.

Once again, no goodbye, no thank you Jules, no nothing. I knew that rejecting him would piss him off and probably hurt his feelings but I really just did not care. I still loved him. I never stopped but I did not love the way he was acting. Yes, the fact that he was sleeping on the couch did scare me but I didn’t want him in our room right now because we were toxic around each other. I had been having these head splitting migraines due to all of the tension between us lately and I just wanted it all to stop. I wanted the Billie Joe I fell in love with back.

~***~
After being gone for most of the day, Billie returned around five o’clock. Apparently it was a short session today, which made Emma very happy. She was busy prancing around the room while I laid on the couch. My head was still pounding and her loud energetic self was killing me. “Emma why don’t you watch a movie?” I offered, hoping she’d accept. She had recently learned how to work the VCR and loved choosing and putting in her movie. Her face lit up and she ran over to the TV, quickly rummaging around for the perfect one. I smiled. At least she’d be quiet for a while. When she finally decided I watched as she carefully pushed it in and pressed play. It didn’t start right away but I could hear voices. It was grainy at first and I squinted until it became clear. The first scene was of me and Billie standing in front of the priest from our wedding. Billie still had his blonde hair and I was grinning from ear to ear. Our wedding video, this is what she chose to watch? Emma plopped down in front of the TV, completely infatuated with what was on the screen. I had decided I wasn’t going to watch it and closed my eyes. The last thing I needed was another reminder of what we once were. We were so different then, so in love with each other. It was a little painful to watch. I had just started to doze off when Emma gasped. My eyes snapped open as I saw her glued to the TV as she watched Billie smear wedding cake all over my mouth and chin. She giggled and turned towards me.

“Daddy was messy.” She laughed.

I smiled. Yes, yes he was. In more ways than one. She turned back to the movie just as Tre had finished his embarrassing attempt at a best man speech. We had just started dancing and loving on each other when she sighed.

“You were really pretty, Mommy.” She said softly. I smiled and opened my mouth to speak, but another voice behind me spoke.

“Mommy still is pretty.” The voice said.

I turned over to see Billie standing behind the couch. Had he been there this whole time? He was watching the movie as intently as Emma had been, his eyes never leaving the screen. Emma grinned and ran toward him, grabbing his hand and pulling him in front of the where I lay.

“Daddy how come you don’t kiss Mommy like that anymore?” She asked while pointing towards the screen where we were seriously sucking some face. My eyes widened and I attempted to cover my face with the blanket I had draped over me. I had forgotten about that part. Billie rubbed the back of his neck nervously and looked away.

“I dunno.” He answered. Emma crossed her arms and looked up at him.

“You love Mommy don’t you?” She questioned.

Billie glanced over at me and nodded. Emma got a mischievous grin on her face and reached for my hand to pull me up off the couch. She smiled and pushed me towards Billie and stopped when we were inches from each other.

“Kiss.” She demanded.

Billie and I looked at each other and then down at Emma. She huffed in frustration. “Stop being mad at Mommy and kiss!” She pleaded. Billie and I glanced at each other again and I knew we had a little problem. I shook my head and back down on the couch. “Emma, Mommy and Daddy don’t want to kiss right now.” I said gently. She frowned.

“Why?” She asked.

I looked up at Billie, who was crouching down beside her. “Mommy and Daddy have some things we need to talk about.” I explained. The look on Emma’s face was heartbreaking.

“Don’t you love Daddy?” She questioned.

I nodded without hesitation. “Yes, I love Daddy very much.” I answered. She turned to Billie and sniffled.

“Don’t you love Mommy?” She whimpered.

Billie’s eyes softened and he reached out to brush away a tear that rolled down her cheek. “I do love Mommy, but right now it’s best if we don’t kiss, alright?” He explained. Emma nodded and wiped her nose with the sleeve of her shirt. I’d be lying if I said a part of me didn’t want to throw in the towel and kiss Billie but another part of me knew that we weren’t in a good place right now and kissing would just complicate things even more. There were a lot of things we still needed to address. Things that one kiss couldn’t fix.

~***~
We had dinner after that, a silent dinner. Emma didn’t ask any more questions and didn’t ask us to kiss again. I knew that she was confused and didn’t understand why we’re acting this way considering she so used to seeing us love on each other, but how are supposed to tell your child that you were trying to have a baby and it’s not working and that’s the reason this whole shit storm started. That’s the problem. You can’t. I gave her a bath after that and tried to make up for this afternoon by reading her two stories instead of one. It worked long enough to get her asleep and I sighed tiredly as I walked past the living room and saw out of my peripheral vision Billie making his bed on the couch. It puzzled me that he hadn’t even tried to come back to our room and I wondered if he was even wanting to. I laid in bed for over an hour mulling things over in my head. We could fix things couldn’t we? Divorce was something I never wanted to think about but it had crossed my mind. The migraine from early had eased off but was now back with a vengeance. I looked at the clock and noticed that it getting pretty late and with any luck Billie would be asleep so I could sneak into the kitchen for some aspirin. I slowly crept out of the bedroom and walked past the couch where Billie laid, appearing to be asleep. In the kitchen I found the aspirin and took it quickly. I was closing the cabinet when I heard Billie shift on the couch.

“Something wrong?” He whispered sleepily.

I closed my eyes and mentally cursed myself for being loud. “No, I have a headache.” I said while leaning against the counter, holding my pounding head in my hands. My head was hurting a lot more than I realized. I stood to walk back to the bedroom when Billie stopped me.

“Jules?” He said while motioning for me to come over to the couch. I frowned and walked towards him. He was awake now and laying on his side.

“Didn’t you have a headache earlier?” He questioned.

I nodded slowly. “It never left.” I answered solemnly. My head was hurting so bad I almost over looked the fact that Billie was talking to me in a calm manner. Like before we were fighting calm. He shifted on the couch and lifted the blanket up.

“C’mere.” He whispered. I stood there motionless. Billie sighed and reached out to touch my arm.

“Jules c’mon, I know you’re mad at me but I don’t like to see my wife in pain.” He said while pulling me towards the couch. I sat down and stared blankly at him. Billie rolled his eyes.

“Well don’t just sit there, lay down.” He said while making more room.

I closed my eyes and obeyed, allowing him to pull me closer to him. I knew that we probably shouldn’t be doing this after what happened earlier today but I did want to be close to my husband. Even through all of this shit, something would be wrong if I didn’t.

“Jules, stop thinking and go to sleep.” He mumbled.

I sighed and looked up. “Should we even be doing this?” I questioned. Billie hesitated and opened his eyes slowly to meet mine. “Jules, we’re sleeping not having sex.” He answered. I closed my eyes. “Billie, we said some really awful things to each other.” I reminded him. He sighed and rubbed his face.

“Julie, I know that. God, can you not let me try to be nice to you?” He asked bluntly.

I sighed again and stopped talking. I had been trying to keep what little space I could between us and move over, but Billie stopped me by draping his arm over me and pulling me into him.
“Stop moving.” He commanded softly while he started rubbing small circles over my rib cage. Billie used to do that a lot when we were just snuggling on the couch or in bed. I was slowly drifting to sleep when he stopped his ministrations.
“I wanted to kiss you earlier, ya know.” He whispered. I opened my eyes and gazed up at him. “What?” I asked softly. He swallowed before answering.

“Earlier today with the wedding tape, when Emma wanted us to kiss, I wanted to.” He confessed.

I stayed silent for a moment. “I did, too.” I finally whispered. It was a relief to know that spark between us was still there and hadn’t completely burned out like I was thinking. We were both quiet after that and I wondered if he had fallen asleep. I looked up and saw that he had been watching me. I smiled a little and looked back down. I felt his hand run up and down my back and I knew that was his way of saying he was sorry. I patted his arm affectionately and allowed myself to relax. I was laying so close I could hear his heartbeat and it comforted me in some way. We hadn’t been this close to each other in weeks and I had missed it. I knew that we were far from being back to normal, but this was a start.