Girls, Breaking Hearts

John laid in his bed, feeling peaceful as Brooke twirled her fingers in his tousled hair. She loved doing that, and he loved how it made him feel. Sometimes, it was hard to believe she was only seventeen. She didn’t look the part and more often than not, acted more mature, too. He remembered when just a few weeks into their relationship getting official, she got mad at him for drinking too much before leaving for tour. He’d made her wait in his apartment for four hours and got home completely wasted, almost blurting out their dirty little secret to Moose and Tim as they helped him get in his pad. And then after his friends had left, she came out of her hiding spot and he tried, very clumsily, to kiss her, and almost puked on her shoes. She’d pushed him to the shower after, surprisingly managing to clean him up and get him to bed dressed in a pair of boxers.

“You’re good to me, you know,” he sputtered in his hazy state. She didn’t answer, just pulled up the covers and laid there beside him. “And I’m bad for you.”

She sighed, ignoring his statement as she wrapped her arms around him and buried her face in his chest. She didn’t like it when he said such things. He wasn’t bad for her. What they had was maybe not as convenient as her friends’ relationships, but she was okay with it. She liked him. When she was much younger, she liked to believe that she loved him in her own way. Now, she figured she was starting to understand the concept of love. Though she couldn’t fully comprehend it yet- and she wasn’t sure if anyone could, really- she knew she cared about John and this wasn’t a silly high school crush of some sort.

Love. What a big word for a seventeen-year-old to use. But unlike most girls her age who mistook love for their raging hormones exploring lust and its dangers, she was sure this was almost love, if not the actual thing itself. She wouldn’t dare say it, though. She had a feeling he would just push her away if she did. Though the fact that he cared about her as well, maybe even as much as she did for him, had already been established, it was evident that they were crossing dangerous territories neither had explored before and one wrong move could make the whole deck collapse. Those three words and eight letters could wait a few more months, she had set it in her mind that she would confront and decipher her feelings while he was on tour.

“You are mad at me, aren’t you?” John drunkenly chuckled as he brought his face to her neck and rested it there. Even in such state he knew she was upset because she’d sent him a short text message earlier and she was doing the whole silent treatment thing. It was very ‘teenage girl’ of her, but she couldn’t help acting that way every time he did something stupid, like the time he teased her about wanting to be with Shane.

“Yes but I’m tired, you’ll deal with my wrath tomorrow while you’re hungover, asshole,” she mumbled, not wanting to say any more to him. She kept her eyes closed as she savoured the feeling of his breath against her skin, he was leaving in a few days and God she would miss him so much.

“I’m sorry.”

The next morning, John dealt with her anger as promised. But as she threw around words such as stupid, insensitive, jerk move, he couldn’t help but smile because for the first time, he felt like he was truly in a serious relationship.

“You’re smiling like a fool, what are you thinking about?” Brooke asked, bringing him back to reality as she tugged his hair a bit harder. He turned to her, smiling as he planted a kiss on her lips.

“Just happy you came back,” he mused. “We always do this and you always come back and it makes me happy.”

“You’re weird.” She rolled her eyes, sitting up and clutching the sheets tighter against her chest. “But that’s okay because I lo-”

The unfinished word hung in the air for a few more seconds, neither of them saying anything. Though they had been officially together for seven months, it has never been said. But both had thought about it a thousand times before, however neither possessed the courage to say it to the other. John thought that not saying it meant that he still had a little bit of sanity in him, and Brooke thought that saying it would drive him insane and make him spout some bullshit that they could no longer do this. She feared that he would question what a seventeen-year-old knew about love, and she didn’t want that because she had no idea how to answer.

“I’m gonna go get us some beer,” she said, lacing it with an awkward laugh as she stood up and walked out of his room, mentally cursing herself. She didn't even remember to put on his shirt, instead she was prancing around his kitchen with his blanket covering her body. Stupid, she thought to herself, opening his fridge and grabbing two cans of beer.

She heard John walk out of his room and started to panic. She closed her eyes and bit her lip, hoping he wouldn’t ask or say anything about what she’d almost said.

“Here.”

With a smirk on his handsome face, John threw her his shirt, and she blushed. She dropped the blanket and pulled his shirt over her head, stopping mid-thigh. Grabbing both beers, she made her way to the couch where John was now seated, clad in boxers as he turned on the TV and flipped through channels.

She sat beside him, carefully maintaining distance in case the incident was brought up and she needed to flee. She handed him his beer, noticing the stupid smirk was still on. Frowning, she looked away and tried to concentrate on whatever show he’d chosen.

“So I have a question,” he said, a hint of teasing in his voice. She ignored him, but he gasped and poked her side. “Hey, I have a question!”

“What!” She glared at him, obviously annoyed. John spotted the blush forming in her face and his smirk grew wider. He was playing with her, and she knew it.

“I just want to know what you do when I’m away,” he said, laughing a little as her expression changed from annoyed to embarrassed. She looked away from him once more, fiddling with the hem of his shirt.

“I hang out with my friends, read, you know- normal stuff.”

“Do you go on dates?”

Brooke threw her head back, growing increasingly annoyed with him by the second. “John!”

“What?” He laughed, scooting closer to her as he set his beer down the table. “I’m just asking you questions, I don’t know why you’re so annoyed.”

“Well it’s stupid because you know the answer to that,” she snapped, putting her beer down as well. He knew she didn’t go on dates, she was completely committed to him even though her friends didn’t know that.

“Yeah but last week your friends set you up,” he teased, remembering their conversation from the week before. She’d texted him about it, saying that her friends were still suspicious about her claiming she didn’t have nor want a boyfriend. That was the excuse she’d been feeding them since she and John started, but despite her friends’ snooping, neither of them could seem to find evidence about her relationship and for that she was glad. She had been carrying the secret around for seven months, and sometimes the weight was hard to bear but she managed because when the heart wanted something so bad it had to deal with the consequences.

She covered her face with both hands, groaning as soon as he’d brought it up. She’d let the guy down gently- Danny was his name, and he was eighteen and seemed nice but he was no John. And after telling him she wasn’t interested, even in just becoming fuck buddies in case he suggested that, her friends were now reeled in on the idea that she preferred the other gender.

“Tell me how did that go again,” John said with a laugh as he ran his hands up and down her thighs, asking for her attention.

“John!” She groaned, even more louder when one of his hands moved to her face trying to pry hers away. “Stop, it’s not funny!”

“What did Shane say?” He continued, ignoring her. He knew she hated talking about her friends because she felt significantly younger whenever their activities were discussed. And she hated talking about his brother, especially since John teased her about him once in a while. Whenever she felt like he was pushing her to Shane, she felt the wall building up between them. Brooke knew that she and John belonged to different leagues but somehow she was with him now, and she didn’t want to feel like she deserved otherwise.

“I’m begging you to stop,” she said seriously, avoiding eye contact as he chuckled, hovering over her and leaning down so he could kiss her lips. She accepted, since it seemed to be the only way to make him shut up. And she wasn’t complaining either. She liked John’s lips especially when they were on hers, and even more so when he was giving her favourite kiss- gentle, passionate but not lustful. Like how he was doing now. They were making out, but she knew that this type of kiss was not that of foreplay.

She was practically livid when he suddenly pulled away, wondering what the hell was wrong with him for his lips to suddenly leave hers. She looked at him with her eyes wide, and saw it- that soft expression, the glinting eyes, the smile tugging at his lips.

John loved how her green eyes were staring him down, seemingly studying his expression, and he finally he let the smile take over his face. She looked so beautiful and there was no doubt in his mind that whoever she would end up with, whether him or some other guy- though, hopefully, him, one way or another- was lucky as hell.

He stared at her for a few more seconds, until those eyes finally melted him down and he felt the string that was holding his sanity break in half. Fuck it, he thought as he let out a short breath.

“Hey,” he said softly, bringing both of his hands to her sides and squeezing her. “I love you.”