My Salvation or Just My Own Personal Hell?

So it has been a while since I have last written something.
Many wonderful things has happened and equally as many horrible things had also
happened. All of which served to mold the person I am, or rather learning curves if
you will. Either way though, in the words of someone I once knew “I am no longer the same
person you knew”. It is not only about my way of thinking or viewing the world anymore, it is
also my taste in music, food, clothing, behavior, talking and too top it all off I am no
longer living back home.
Everything has changed, but one thing that has been consistent is my smile. Through the good
and through the bad, I have always kept smiling. Even if it felt like everything was crumbling down around me, up too driving like a madman on the road. Yes, I am saying I have wheels now! But that is just a minor achievement.
Now the question is where to begin?
I suppose soon after my last story I had to learn the value of spending money. Not even on
luxury, just spending to buy your everyday living supplies. Taking care of not only myself
but someone I looked up too. This lesson came with realizing everyone has an agenda. Family
is only there when things are so out of whack they believe a quick fix is to abandon you in your
time of need. I am just saying that you should not expect much out of people if it really out of the way for them. Naturally they expect this and more out of you. On several occasions I had to learn the hard way that I have my limits. In the end of this however, I learned a hard lesson about betrayal, cruelty and emptiness. I will not go into dept, but to sum this up, do good and expecting to be rewarded with good is pretty foolish. Someone like that is likely to get stabbed by the person they are doing that same good for.
I’ve been put through the ringer when it comes to emotions and stress. I never let the stress at home go to school or work with me. But I never imagine it to become so horrible that it effects even a simple day of waking up. Under severe stress I can lash out on people and hurt them unknowingly and not even bath an eye. I learned that I am more like my father in some regards, even more so than I would like to be. But it not all a bad thing, because I have learned to stand up for myself and live up to certain standards. I refuse to let certain things slide. If I can do better, so can the people I am around. So I push their envelopes when it comes to being a better person.
This hasn’t always been well received, nor have I applied it too all circumstances. I have failed and did wrong too those I love. I have lost life-long friendships, either because of my stubbornness, coldness or flat-out stupidity of "self-centered-ness". By this I mean, it is my way or get lost. Or it belongs to me, I am not sharing!
But again, not all those friendship that I have lost were my fault. I had to learn that some people are here in my life for only a period. And as much as it pains me sometimes, that is just how things are.
Don’t even let me get started about romance anymore. Over time I lost what made me so unique when it comes to romance by becoming a little more outgoing, daring and less caring, way less! Hopefully now I will be less crazy. I have someone to keep me down to earth. ♥

Naturally I am still surprise to be breathing still. Almost drowning, getting hit by a car again, or just any amount of near misses I had on the road after my license. Miracles do happen and my reaction to every situation is to stay calm no matter what. But there were moments were I couldn’t stop shaking and I had to give the wheel to someone else because I was unable function. There have also been a few moments where it was not an option and I just had to power through it. That same person suggested to me to keep a picture of her bundle of joy by the speed gauge so I know not to get to reckless driving.
As hard as living is, it hurts me more saying someone else going through hell. I can’t always imagine being in someone else's shoe but I’d be damned if I let that person go through hell without providing some type of help. And that’s where another lesson had to be learned also the hard way. Some people will not hesitate to take advantage of this. I will not go too in depth with this either, however this could be said for anyone. Be it your own mom or dad.
But for those that does not take advantage of you, appreciate them and cherish them. They are rare and worth fighting for.
That’s a very rough sketch to my mind set now actually. After wanting to leave home for so long, I never would imagine I would miss it so much. And it’s not because of family or sentimental values that it will always be my home. No!
I miss home for other reasons. I have some unfinished business that I really want to take care off. And it makes me feel restless knowing I left things the way they are. Anymore into this and it would not be a self reflection anymore. So I am moving on to another subject.
I have never been an easy person to deal with. I am stubborn and hard-headed. And with passing of time it seems to only be worsening. But I am proud of whom I am, the way I turned out and just the things I have accomplished. It’s not an easy path to be on, and it will not be getting any easier any time soon. But I know what I need to do to fulfill my own ambitions. Its bittersweet the person I am now, it really does feel like the magic I had as a kid has fully disappeared.
However I have adapted and learned to appreciate every little thing. Nothing I do is meaningless
anymore.
I just hope that one day I am able to persuade the person heart seems to be fixated on, and also to accomplish what I set out to do. I am more than willing to kill everything I am stand for it is for the betterment of “your” future.
To this end, I will take care of myself, mind, body and soul. I will keep on living to higher standards and I will not stop being who I am. Because deep down inside I still know what love feels like, and I believe someday someone will resuscitate it back to me 10 folds over.