I'd Go Through Hell and Back for You

I was woken up by the sun shining through the curtains. I picked up the pillow that was under my head and covered my face with it. Brian’s scent filled my nostrils, that confused me. Why would I smell Brian? Had I done something last night that I don’t remember. I threw the pillow and sat up quickly, looking around the room. That’s when I realized that I didn’t go to my parent’s house like I had planned after I left the studio last night. I started to, but something inside me pulled me toward my apartment. Maybe a part of me wished that Brian was there and when I walked through the door he would take me in his arms and we’d just wash away his transgressions. But when I opened our apartment door there was nothing about silence. It was cold and empty. I walked to our bedroom and noticed that some of Brian’s stuff was missing. When i walked into his closet a while section of his clothing was missing. I fell to my knees and started crying. I felt so empty all of the sudden.

I don’t know how long I laid on the closet floor, crying, before I got up and put on a pair of shorts and one of the shirts that Brian left. I climbed into bed on his side because I just wanted to feel closer to him. I remember wanting to call him but I couldn’t bring myself to because I am still so mad at him. Even though all I want is for him to be lying here next to me with his arms wrapped around me, I can’t let that happen because he betrayed me. A betrayal that I can’t forgive. I won’t let myself go through that turmoil again. I don’t even remember falling asleep.

I picked up my phone, pressing the home button so my screen would light up. It said that it was nine in the morning. Gracie should be awake by now so I called my mom to tell her that I would be over later. She knew that something was wrong by the sound in my voice but I told her that we would talk when I got there. I took a quick shower, since I didn’t feel like getting all dressed up, I just threw my hair up into a ponytail and wore my glasses. I had on an oversize shirt and a pair of shorts. I didn’t want to take chances that a paparazzi got a picture of my slight baby bump yet. I threw a bunch of clothes into a suitcase since I told Alex that Brian could have the apartment. Plus I want to stay with my mom for awhile, until I can figure things out.

I got into my car and hooked up my ipod to my radio and the first song that started playing was ‘Girl at Home’ by Taylor Swift. Oh the fucking irony. I guess Crystal didn’t give a flying fuck that Brian had a girl at home because she clearly knew that I existed and didn’t give a damn and made her move on him. I just left it on this song and put my car in drive and went to my parent’s house.

“Mom?” I called through the house.

“In the kitchen, sweetie!.” I heard her yell.

When I walked into the kitchen I saw my mom at the kitchen sink washing dishes. I walked over and laid my head on her shoulder. I’m extremely close with my mom and very much a momma’s girl. Ever since I found out that Brian cheated on me all I wanted to do was have my mom hold me and tell me that everything was going to be okay. But of course I had other things that I had to take care of first, then the scare happened and I was put on bed rest and I refused to tell my mom that I am pregnant over the phone.

“What is wrong?” she asked me, wiping her hands on a towel.

“Where is Bri…where is Dad?” I asked her. I had pretty much stopped calling my step dad, Brian, after Demi pointed out how weird it was that I was dating a guy with the same name as my step dad. Sometimes I still slip up though.

“He just ran to the store for some juice.” my mom told me. “What is this about? You sound so scared and you don’t look much better.”

“I don’t want to talk about it until Dad is home.” I took a step back, shaking my head. “Where is Gracie?”

“She’s in her room, playing.” she informed me. She looked so worried and I felt bad for making her wait but I didn’t want to have to say this twice so I need my step dad to be here. I smiled at her weakly then went to my sister’s room to spend some time with her.

“Hey Gracie.” I said in a high pitched voice when I entered her room. She was sitting on the floor playing with her blocket. It seems like she’s grown a foot since I saw her last month. She looked up and got a huge smile on her face, “Selly” she squealed and ran to me, hugging my legs tightly.

I bent down and picked her up, giving her a big hug. In return Gracie gave me a sloppy kiss on the cheek. “Love you, sweet pea.”

“Lub you.” she said with a huge smile on her face.

I sat her down and she went back to playing with her blocks. And for the first time I didn’t look at her as my little sister but as how my life will be in two years. It will be my child sitting down playing with blocks. I became overwhelmed, feeling a lump form in my throat. I tried my best not to cry because there will be enough of that when I tell my parents that I am pregnant.

“So, Gracie,” I sat down next to her, picking up a block and sitting it on top of another one. “how am I going to tell mommy that I am pregnant?”

“You’re what?” I heard my mom gasp in shock. I looked up and saw my mom standing in the doorway with her hand over her mouth.

“Momma, I’m so sorry. Please don’t be mad at me.” I burst into tears as I stood up.

My mom grabbed ahold of my wrist, pulling me to her and hugged me. It wasn’t until I hugged her back that I knew she was crying too. I could feel her tears soaking my shoulder. “Don’t ever think I could be mad at you for something like this.” she pulled away, holding my face with her hands. “Do you hear me?”

I nodded, “but I’m only twenty-three.”

“And? I was sixteen when I had you.” she tried to lighten the mood. “Yeah I had hoped that you would be older and married before you started a family, but you’ve grown up so fast, sometimes I even forget that you’re only twenty three and not thirty. The question here though is are you happy about this?”

I sighed and walked away from her. “I haven’t had time to really think about it. I’m scared to death over being pregnant, but I really am happy. I just wish things were better in my life.”

My mom furrowed her eyebrows in confusion then looked over at Gracie and told her that we were going to the living room and to play like a good girl. She then took my hand and led me to the living room. “What’s going on that your life isn’t that great?”

I sank down onto the couch with a groan. “Brian and I broke up and I lied, saying that the baby isn’t his.”

“Selena Marie Gomez!” my mom scolded me. “I have taught you way better than to lie.”

“But he cheated on me!” I tried to defend my actions. “He lied to me and cheated on me. He broke my heart! Plus he didn’t even want to commit to me. All I asked for was a simple gesture to say that he was thinking about marrying me one day. It could be ten years from now for all I care, but he couldn’t give me that. So why should I give him the satisfaction of telling him that he will be a dad?”

“Even so, honey, that doesn’t justify you lying to him about his baby. He deserves to know the truth, whether you like him or not right now.” I know my mom has a point, but I just don’t want to tell him. I know lying is horrible and what I am doing is incredibly wrong. I just wanted him to hurt like he hurt me. Yes that is selfish but sometimes I don’t think before I act. Especially when I’m hurt and angry.

“What’s going on with the water works in here?” my dad asked walking into the living room.

I brought my knees up to my chest, hugging them tightly. I was so scared to tell my dad. He may only be my step dad but he has raised me and has been there for me through so much in my life. He has protected me from so much. He was there through all of my tours, making sure that the paparazzi didn’t attack me and making sure that everything ran smoothly. Thanks to him and my mom my career has been so amazing. He has as much my dad than my biological dad.

“I’m pregnant.” I told him, just barely loud enough for him to hear me.

“Oh my god.” he gasped. I burst into tears and hid my face in my knees, waiting for him to yell at me. I needed one of my parents to yell at me and tell me that this is irresponsible.

“Oh, don’t cry, Selena.” my step dad said sitting down next to me, wrapping his arms around me.

“I’m so sorry for disappointing you.” I cried into his chest.

“You did not disappoint me. You’ve always been older than you really are. It’s kind of refreshing for you to act like a normal twenty three year old girl. As long as you are okay and happy then I am happy.” he kissed the top of my head. “Now stop crying and tell me about this baby of yours.”

I sat up straighter, not prepared to tell them what has happened. I don’t even want to think about the scare. “Um, I actually have to tell you something important. I was supposed to be home a week ago but I was at Taylor’s place in Nashville on bedrest.”

“Oh god, is the baby okay?” my mom asked worriedly.

“Yeah the baby is fine. I went to the doctor a couple of days ago to make sure I could fly. I had a scared and was put on bedrest for two weeks. The doctor said everything should go smoothly from now on as long as I stay stress free.” I explained to them.

“Why didn’t you call us? We would have came to you.” my mom wondered as she rubbed my shoulder. I know she was worried about me, I could see it in her eyes.

“I was scared, and wasn’t ready to tell you guys. Plus I was still in shock over Brian cheating on me.”

“He did what?” my step dad spat out. I jumped forgetting he wasn’t here for that detail. “I can’t believe he would do that after knowing your past and how depressed you got after Justin.”

“I guess saving me from myself only applies when it was someone elses fault for my misery. I have no idea why he did why he did, I haven’t spoken to him about it.” I sighed.

“No tell him what you did, Selena Marie.” my mom said sternly. My step dad looked at me curiously.

“I told Brian that it wasn’t his baby even though it is.” I squeezed my eyes shut, not wanting to see the disappointment in his eyes.

“Oh Selena.” he sighed. “You know you’re going to have to tell him the truth or this will eat you alive.”

“I know.” I nodded.

“Momma, I want juice.” Gracie’s voice filled the room. My mom smiled at her and got up to go get her some juice. “Why cry?” Gracie asked me as she walked over to me.

“I’m just a little sad.” I told her.

“Hug?” she said as she started to climb onto my lap.

“Be careful, Gracie.” my step dad told her because her knee was about to press against my stomach. Gracie looked up at him confused since she always climbed all over me. “Sissy has a baby in her tummy so you have to be careful so you don’t hurt it.”

“Baby? In tummy?” she questioned as she pointed to my stomach. Her face was all scrunched up in confusion, she was still too young to really understand what was going on.

“Yes, baby girl, in her tummy. Just like you came from mommy’s tummy.” I laughed at her confused expression. Gracie just shrugged and gave me a hug. I guess she wasn’t going to question it any further. My step dad looked relieved that he wasn’t going to have to explain it more than we already had. It’s going to be hilarious when he has to go through the sex talk with her when she becomes a teenager. I grew up in the spotlight and knew things way quicker than most kids since I had to hear about it all the time. I was constantly around adults so I learned things at a young age.

“Here’s your juice.” my mom said handing Gracie her sippy cup. “So have you found out what you’re having yet?”

“Not yet. I should be able to find out soon. I want to surprise Demi with the gender on her wedding day since I want her to be the godmother.” I explained. “When I make the appointment to go in and find out, I will let you guys know so you can come with me.”

“I’m not ready to be a grandma.” my mom poked her bottom lip out at me. I laughed and rolled my eyes. “I have a two year old, I’m not supposed to be a grandma.”

“Sorry momma.” I laid my head on her shoulder.

“It’s okay.” she kissed my forehead. “So what are we going to do tonight?”

“Lasagna and movies.” I said without a second thought. My mom smiled and nodded. It was good to be home.

Just as I was about to help my mom make dinner I got a text message. I panicked when I heard the ding because I thought it would be Wilmer texting me to yell at me for telling Demi and Alex but when I picked up my phone it said it was Brian. My heart started to race and my hands shook. I was nervous and scared all at the same time. Part of me didn’t even want to open the text but the other part wanted to know what he has to say. Nervously I slid my thumb across my screen to unlock my phone.

I miss you and I’m sorry.
This apartment isn’t the same without you here.
I just wish I knew where we go from here. I want to hate you for what you did, but I can’t because I did the same thing. Can we get past what we did to each other? Or are you ready to give up and be with Connor?

My heart sank reading the last part of the text. He truly believes that I hooked up with Connor. I know I said I did, but is that how little he thinks of me? He knows that I am one hundred percent against cheating because I know how it feels to be cheated on and would never want to inflict that pain on anyone. Like he said though, I wish I knew where we go from here. I’m still unsure if I can forgive him for cheating on me. I don’t want to go back to him just to have it happen again. I went through that endless cycle with Justin and refuse to do it again. Then again he may not forgive me when I tell him that I lied about the baby’s paternity. We’ve hurt each other so much that I’m unsure if it’s fixable. We will just have to talk it out.

I’m not with Connor…
We need to talk, I’ll let you know when I’m not busy.

I have no idea how our talk will play out, but we really need to get everything out in the open before we can decide where to go from here. Because we can’t move past this if we are still so mad at each other.