I'd Go Through Hell and Back for You

I’ve been sitting in the hallway, outside my apartment for twenty minutes. I’m here to see Brian and I am terrified to see him. I honestly have no idea what I am going to say to him. It just depends how I feel in the moment once I am face to face with him. Do I want to say with him and fear that he’s going to cheat on me again, or do I want to lose him? I put a hand on my stomach and rubbed it. “What do I do about daddy?” I sighed.

I continued to sit there and stare at my front door, like if I stared at it long enough that I would know exactly what to do. But all I wanted to do, honestly, is puke. My phone started to ring in my purse, I prayed that Brian couldn’t hear my ringtone through the door because the last thing I need is from him to open the door and realize that I’ve been sitting here all along. I pulled my phone out of my purse and saw that it was my friend Sammy. “Hey.” I answered it.

“So have you talked to him yet?” she asked me immediately. She knew that I came over to my apartment a few hours ago since I had breakfast with her. But I ended up driving around for awhile before finally coming here and sitting here.

I sighed, “not yet. I’ve been sitting here staring at the door. I have no idea what to even say to him.”

“Selena Marie, you left me over two hours ago, tell me you haven’t been sitting there all this time.” she scolded me.

“No, just a half hour now.” I told her and could just sense her rolling her eyes at me.

“You need to get up and go in there. You’re never going to know why he cheated on you if you don’t go talk to him. Just let the conversation flow, you’ll know what to do once you start talking to him. You can’t plan out a conversation like this.” I knew she was right and that sitting here was just prolonging the inevitable. But I am just terrified of what I’m going to learn. What if his reasoning crushes me even more than I already am? But if we’re going to break up, I would want it to be now and not a few years down the line. I remember how painful it was on me when my parents split. All I wanted was for them to be together. I spent so much time being mad at my mom, I don’t want that for my child.

“Okay, I’ll go in right now. I might have to puke first, but I’ll go in.”

“Good. If you need to talk after, just call me.” she told me. I told her that I would then hung up.

I stood up and took a deep breath before digging out my keys. “Here goes nothing, baby.” I said to my stomach before unlocking the door. I walked in and dropped my purse and keys on the end table next to the door.

“Selena, is that you?” I heard Brian ask from the back of the apartment. He was probably in our bedroom.

“Yeah.” I said taking a deep breath. My stomach was churning like crazy. I’m trying really hard not to throw up right now.

Brian came around the corner and when he saw me he got a huge smile on his face, instantly making me feel bad. He ran to me and pulled me into his arms, hugging me tightly. At first I didn’t hug him back, but right now I really need a hug and he was here. I got caught up in the moment and pulled away, kissing him softly on the lips. I could feel the electricity between us. Our connection was undeniable, but is that really enough? I quickly pulled away, bringing my hand to my mouth. “I shouldn’t have done that.” I turned away from Brian.

“I’m glad you did.” he said honestly. I could hear the happiness and hope in his voice and that broke me just a little bit more.

“Don’t.” I shook my head. “I am not here to give you false hope. I am here to know why you cheated on me. To know where we went wrong.”

“I’m sorry for what I did. I’m ashamed for it.” he looked down at the ground then back up at me. I could see the guilt in his eyes. But would he feel guilty if he never found out that I was pregnant? “As cliche as it sounds, it meant nothing to me.”

“Sex is never nothing.” I snapped. “I don’t care what anyone ever says, sex always means something. You can’t have those intimate moments with a person and feel nothing. Not unless you’re heartless or a psychopath.”

Brian didn’t say anything he just turned and walked away. I’m not sure if I offended him and he’s just dropping the conversation or what was going on. I didn’t follow him either. I just sat down on the couch and tried to calm down, I can’t let this conversation get me too stressed out. When Brian returned to the living room he was holding something in his hands. He sat on the ottoman in front of me and handing me a necklace. To be specific the infinity necklace he gave me not long after we moved in together. I never took it off, not until I found out that he cheated. I left it here when I left to go stay at my mom’s.

“The day I gave you this I told you that this was my promise to you that I was yours forever and I meant that. I still mean that.” he stressed the last part. “Why couldn’t that be enough?”

I squeezed my eyes shut and took a deep breath before looked up at him. “In a way it is enough to know that I am yours forever. To know that you love me that move to promise something like that. But I’ve been told those very words twice before in my life and both guys betrayed me. Hell you betrayed me. The only thing I wanted more from you is a promise that you can see yourself marrying me one day. It’s every girls dream to get married and live happily ever after. I was never asking for you to propose to me right now. I just wanted to know if that’s where you see us going. Sometimes a promise of forever means nothing but words. I can sit here and promise you the world and tomorrow say see ya, I’m done. But to me if you can see us getting married and having a family then I can wait ten, twenty years for you. I just want to know that's where you wanted to go.”

“How is that any different than what I said?” Brian groaned in frustration.

I started to cry, mostly because my hormones are all over the place and everything makes me cry. Hell the milk commercial makes me cry. But also because I am just as frustrated as Brian is. “The difference is saying you are mine forever can easily become us just being friends again. But saying that you can see us married gives me hope that I can achieve what I want out of life. A husband and a family. If you can’t see that for us then there is no hope and we should just move on before this becomes even harder. If you don’t want the same things that I do, then why hang on? I love you with all my heart but if you can’t see marriage in our future then it’s done. I’m sorry. But even if you do, at this point, I don’t know if that would be enough because you cheated on me. I’m not sure I can forgive another man doing that to me.”

“You cheated on me too!” he snapped. He instantly covered his mouth like he regretted his words. I winced at his words as tears cascaded down my cheeks.

“That’s where you are wrong. I never cheated on you, unlike you, I could never do that. I know what it feels like to cheat on someone and I would never put a person through that kind of pain. I just wanted you to hurt like I was hurting so I lied about sleeping with Connor.” I yelled at him.

Brian’s eyes widened with shock but quickly glared at me with rage. If I hadn’t known better I would be terrified right now. No matter how angry Brian gets, he would never hit a girl. “You mean that baby really is mine?” I nodded but said nothing. “Why would you do that to me?”

“There is no excuse for what I did. But I was lying in a hospital bed and the doctors told me that I had to cut out the stress in my life. And what was stressing me out more than anything was the fact that the guy I love more than anything had cheated on me. The very guy who swore to me that he would NEVER do that. He swore that he would NEVER be like the guys in my past. From day one, Brian, you promised that you wouldn’t do that to me and you did! When I needed you the most, you weren’t there. You cheated on me then came home and had sex with me, that is disgusting! It made me sick when I found out when this happened and with who. On top of that, this pregnancy was the very thing that I was terrified of.”

“Why were you scared of being pregnant?” he asked, cutting me off.

“Do you not remember when we started dating? I said no sex, do you forget why? I had one pregnancy scare in my life and that was one too many for me. I want a family, but not now, not when I am not settled down. You cringe at the word marriage. I don’t want to bring a baby into this world like that.” I threw my hands up in frustration. How could he even ask me a question like that? Does he have memory problems?

“Are you saying that you want an abortion?” he asked. His voice was shaky and he looked like he was about to cry.

“I am totally against abortion.” I shook my head. He should know me better than that by now.

“Then what are you saying?” he was confused and scared. I could see his eyes welling up in tears. He was preparing for the worst and I was about to give it to him.

“You cringed at the word marriage. What was I supposed to think if I brought up the word baby? Far as I know you don’t want kids. That terrified me. I didn’t want a baby to come between us. But when I heard the heartbeat, I melted. I am ready to be a mom. But I am not sure you are ready to be a dad. And I’m not sure this relationship can continue.” I choked back a sob. I hated saying those last words, but he still hasn’t answered my initial question which makes me feel like he’s avoiding it because he does want to be with Crystal but is trying to have it cake and eat it too.

“Please, Selena, don’t. I love you, don’t say that.” he shook his head rapidly. A few tears rolled down his cheek.

“What else am I supposed to do? A relationship isn’t based on hurting each other. You hurt me so I hurt you back. That’s not how it should be. If one of us hurts the other then we should talk it out, no matter how horrible it is. But even then, like I have said, I don’t know how to forgive you for what you did.” I wiped away my tears but it was useless because they just kept falling. “Plus you still haven’t told me why you did what you did.”

“Will that really make a difference?” he asked. He didn’t say it in a hateful tone, it was more curious.

I shrugged. “maybe. I’m not sure. I can’t be any worse than what I am thinking.”

“What are you thinking?” he tilted his head to this side.

“Well Nick cheated on me because Miley was the adventurous one and I would rather sit at home and read a good book. Then Justin cheated on me because I wouldn’t have sex with him. We both know that we have sex regularly and it’s pretty amazing.” I smiled sadly. “And I’m also not that sixteen year old girl who would rather sit at home. I am more social and like to do things. So what is going through my head is that you want a girl with bigger boobs and slutty.”

Brian furrowed his eyebrows and sat back down in front of me, taking my hands into his. I wanted to yank them away but I have missed his touch. “That is the furthest thing from the truth. You are amazing. Any guy would be a fool to think otherwise. I am a fool for making the biggest mistake of my life. But it was never about wanting another girl because you are perfect. Again, I’m going to sound cliche, but it was me not you.” he paused taking a breath. “You were right, the sound of marriage made me scared. But it’s not because I don’t want to marry you or can’t see myself marrying you. It’s just that I’ve never thought about that. I joked about wanting to marry my celebrity crush, but I never saw myself married. At least not until you. I would marry you tomorrow if that's what you wanted. That is what terrifies me. We have moved so quickly in our relationship. We had sex before we ever were friends. It scared me to death how quickly I fell in love with you. I have never felt this with any girl, not even Chelsea. I loved her, yes. I was completely in love with Chelsea. But it’s different with you, I’m not sure how to explain it. This is just a deeper love, I give you my soul. I just got scared and got drunk and did something stupid that I can never take back. I will be sorry for the rest of my life for hurting you.”

I brought Brian’s hands to my mouth and kissed his knuckles then let go of them. I tried to talk but I was crying to much to speak so I had to take a deep breath to calm myself. “That in a way changes everything, but at the same time it changes nothing.” Brian looked at me confused, rightfully so. “It eases my anxiety over all of this mess. But it doesn’t make me feel completely secure. How do I know if the next time you get scared that you would go and have sex with one of your friends instead of talk to me? I won’t live in that fear.”

“I would never do it again, I promise!” he defended himself.

I stood up, trying not to completely break down because I have to do what I have to do. “If you love something, set it free. And if it comes back, it was meant to be.” I picked up my purse and my keys. “I’m so sorry, I just can’t do this. I will tell you when my next doctors appointment is because I won’t keep you from knowing about your baby. I just can’t do this until I’m sure.”

I went to walk out of the apartment but Brian stopped me. “Wait, I don’t get it. I came back to you so what do you mean?”

“You came back because we were never apart. I never knew what you did. This is your time to figure out what you really want out of life. If it’s Crystal or another girl, then so be it. But don’t come back to me because you feel obligated or because of the baby. Do it because you without a doubt want to spend the rest of your life with me.” I said without turning around. Before I could give up my nerve, I walked out of the apartment and quickly left the building. Tears streaming down my face every step of the way.