I'd Go Through Hell and Back for You

Lisa and I have being some retail therapy most of the afternoon, she thought the distraction would help keep my mind off of the whole Brian drama. He still hasn't contacted me since I told him that I was pregnant. I spent most of the night curled up in a ball and crying. Jess text me last night and said that they canceled their concert because they couldn't get Brian out of his bunk. I'm not sure what the exactly means. I get that he's shocked but I need to know what's going on in his head. Is he okay with the idea, not okay with the idea? Does he want to break up? The bigger question though is what do I want to do? I do know that I will have this baby no matter what happens. But am I going to stay with Brian? I’d never keep him from his child, but can I put him with his child ways when I need a man?

“Get out of your thoughts, worrying and dwelling isn’t good for you or your baby.” Lisa snapped me out of my thoughts. We were on our way back to her house. The one good thing about being here in Maryland is that the paparazzi aren’t following me so no one got pictures of me gushing around all of the baby things. I just hope fans or a hater spotted me and took pictures.

“How can I not? I’m going to be showing soon. Am I going to assume that Brian’s zombie state is due to the fact that he’s trying to figure out a way to get out of this and that’s my cue to go into hiding until all of this is done? Am I going to fight for my relationship and pray that eventually Brian comes around to the fact that he’s going to be a dad?” I stressed.

“It will all work out in time. You can stay with me and Lex for as long as you need.” she reassured me, but I can’t exactly hide forever.

“Thanks, I really appreciate it.” I said honestly. I’ve been blessed with amazing friends, in and out of the business. All of my friends back home are amazing and have helped me through so much, but the people I’ve met by chance are the best I could ever ask for.

When we got back to the house Lex was pacing around the yard with the dogs which Lisa found very odd and frankly so did I. “What’s wrong, babe?” Lisa asked when she got out of the car.

“Uh, Demi is on her way. She just text me and boarded a private plane and will be here in about six hours.” he said looking at me.

“I’m not seeing why you’re stressing out though? It’s Demi, she was bound to find me sooner or later.” I said shaking my head in a confused manner.

“Well when she called me earlier she told me that she would be coming, I just thought it was by herself. But when she text me that she was going to take a private plane here she said that she wouldn’t be alone. I assumed she was bringing Alex, but…” he trailed off. I knew that Alex wouldn’t be coming with Demi, if anything he would be going to Brian. So who the hell would be coming with Demi that would have Lex this freaked out? Then I realized that he said Demi took a private plane and the last time she did that to come and save me, it was the Jonas jet she took. Please don’t tell me that she is bringing Nick again. “Oh god, please tell me she isn’t bringing Nick with her. He doesn’t need to be dragged into my mess.”

“Nope.” he shook his head. “Your parents.”

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding! She can’t do this! My mom doesn’t even know I am pregnant!” I groaned. “Hell Demi doesn’t even fucking know. Unless you told her.”

His eyes widened telling me that he did tell Demi my news. “You didn’t tell her? She didn’t seem shocked when I said that you were stressed over this unexpected pregnancy.”

“Crap, that means that Brian told Alex and that’s how she knew to call you to talk to me. I haven’t taken anyone’s calls since I got here. I text Jess once when she told me that Brian was withdrawn and I just said to keep an eye on him for me. ” I ran my fingers through my hair. “Alex is for sure going to be with Brian. They don’t need to be dealing with mine and Brian’s drama when they should be focused on their wedding.”

“She could just be saying that she’s bringing your parents to scare you, do you think she would really do that?” Lisa asked curiously.

“If she thought I was depressed, but I’m not.” I shrugged. “I hope she was bluffing, I don’t want my parents to know yet.”

“Lets just have dinner and worry about that later.” Lex put an arm around my shoulders and hugged me.

After dinner we tried to just relax and hang out but once again I had too much on my mind and couldn’t concentrate on the movie Lex had on. I eventually just got up and went to the backyard and sat down with the dogs. Lisa came out at one point just to make sure I was okay and asked if I wanted company. I told her that I just needed to be alone. Around midnight Lex said that him and Lisa were going to bed but to wake him up when Demi got here. I wasn’t going to do that though, he needs his rest and I just need to deal with everything on my own. He can talk to her in the morning. If I need him though I will get him up.

I sat on the couch in the dark for about an hour, letting all of these thoughts swirl around my head. Soon I started to cry because I know what I have to do but I’m not sure that I can. After another hour of crying I decided to be more productive since I know that I won’t be able to sleep. I found a tablet of paper and a pen and decide to write. I’ve never been much of a writer but I needed to get these thoughts out of my head and onto paper. I ended up with some pretty good lyrics, at least for a person who has never written a song by herself. I’ve always had writers help me. By this time though Demi had called me and said the taxi is around the corner. My stomach sank, this is it. I now have to face my best friend with part one of my secrets. And maybe my mom, I don’t think I can face her right now though. I took a deep breath and went to the front door. My hands were shaking nervously as I opened the door. My legs barely held me up as I walked onto the porch. I felt like I was going to pass out. The anticipation was killing me.

I nearly puked on Lex’s porch when I saw that taxi pull up. Demi got out first, I held my breath waiting to see who else was getting out of the car. I let out the breath though when I saw that not only my cousin Priscilla but Taylor get out of the taxi. The taxi driver got their bags out of the trunk and handed the bags to them. Demi paid the driver and then glared at me before walking to me. “I thought you were bringing my parents.” I said crossing my arms.

“Sue me for lying but that was my form of revenge for not telling me that you are pregnant.” she retorted. She didn’t say it hatefully or spitefully, her voice was sad. I had hurt her for not telling her but I really didn’t want anyone to know, at least not right now.

“Yeah how could you not tell us about that?” Taylor snapped. I sighed and told them to come inside so we wouldn’t wake the neighbors. “How are you not more upset about this? She’s your cousin.” Taylor asked Priscilla curiously.

“Yeah, you didn’t seem very upset when I called you about coming here and why.” Demi raised an eyebrow at my cousin.

“I’ve known for a couple of days.” Pris confessed.

“What?!” Taylor and Demi yelled in unison.

“Shh!” I scolded them. “Lisa and Lex are sleeping.”

“It wasn’t my story to tell. Plus I don’t even know much, just that she’s pregnant and Brian is a big fat jerk.” Pris grumbled as she sat down on the couch, folding her arms in the process. That is my cousin, the sass queen.

“Wait a minute, how is Brian a jerk?” Demi asked confused. “He is so hurt right now, I thought you guys broke up when Josh told me that Brian has been this zombie since he found out that you were pregnant.”

“He hasn’t tried to call me or text me since I told him. Hell he didn’t say a fucking word when I told him. I understand being shocked, but come on now get the fuck over it and let me know if you want to be in this baby’s life or not.” I snapped at Demi. I shouldn’t have spoken to her that way when my anger is at Brian and not her but he’s not here for me to yell at.

“I think we all should sit down and take a breath.” Taylor said calmly. We complied and Taylor told me to explain what was going on.

“I was completely blindsided when I found out that I was pregnant. Me and Brian have always been so careful, but even that isn’t bulletproof. I was terrified that something seriously was wrong with me. I didn’t want to burden anyone with this so I kept it to myself. Brian knew something was up but I even kept details from him.” I sighed, trying not to cry. “When the doctor first told me I was shocked and scared. I’m twenty two and totally not ready for a kid. Plus I knew how Brian feels about this whole settling down at a young age. He’s made it perfectly clear that he thinks Demi and Alex are crazy for getting married right now, but is doing his best man duties with bells on. I didn’t want to tell him at all but Lex made me. When I went into the doctors though and got my first ultrasound done and heard my baby’s heartbeat, I knew that I can do this and in that moment I fell in love with my baby.” I put hand over my stomach. It’s still pretty flat, theres a small pooch there, but nothing major.

“So all the secrecy because you know that Brian is an idiot? This makes no sense, Selena. What else is going on?” Demi demanded. She always knows when I’m holding back information.

“I want to break up with him. I’ve been mulling over it for awhile. Before I even found out I was pregnant, but more since. I may not be ready to be a wife or a mom right now, but that doesn’t mean I don’t dream about it. I mean he could be ready in a few years but do I want to invest my time into a relationship on a possibility? Yes I have talked about this with Brian, well some what, I just don’t know. I’m in love with Brian with all of my heart and is the father of my baby, but I’m not sure love is enough.” I started to cry again. How much crying can one person do? This emotional roller coaster side of pregnancy is going to drive me nuts.

“Okay I’m confused still. You don’t want to get married now but you don’t want to wait for Brian to be ready which could be the same time you are? I’m not following.” Taylor tilted her head to the side and scrunched up her face in a confused manner.

“I know it makes not sense! But to me it does. I guess maybe a part of me wants him to want to marry me now. Before all this pregnancy drama, if he had proposed then I would have said yes. But the very thought of marriage makes him cringe. I’m a romantic at heart and he just makes me feel like marriage will never be on the table. I can’t invest more of my heart to be disappointed in the end.” I wiped away the tears that were rolling down my cheeks. I want to be done with all of this crying, but the tears keep falling.

“Sweetie, you live together, you’re basically a married couple. What more do you want?” Demi asked trying to make sense of my thoughts.

“That’s the point though, Demi, there’s no commitment beyond living together. You can live with your boyfriend and have it go no where other than just roommates. Yeah being married won’t change much other than a ring and a piece of paper where he can one day just up and leave. But Selena is still a romantic at heart, she wants a promise.” Priscilla tried to explain.

“I’m not saying I want this big extravagant proposal. All I want is a promise for one day. I know he’s said that its me and him forever, I don’t know, I just want more.” I sighed. “I know I’m making no sense to anyone but myself. I guess because you all think that me and Brian have this perfect relationship and we don’t. We may be joined at the hip when we’re together, but we are far from this happy fairy tale relationship. You guys just see how we are in public. Behind closed doors we are not that cutesy couple. Sometimes I feel that he doesn’t love me as much as he says he does. Hell it takes either me saying those words or him being on tour for him to tell me he loves me. In the beginning he would tell me, what felt like, every ten minutes. I feel him slipping away. And the further he feels to me the more I feel myself falling out of love with him. In my crazy head I feel like if I had that promise that someday we will be married then I can handle the distance because I don’t want anyone else. I’m trying to hold on to my love for him but I need his effort too. So this baby can either be the best or worst thing for our relationship. Either way though I love him or her and I will be the best mom I can be.”

“Why didn’t you tell us about any of this?” Demi asks as she moved closer to me, putting her arms around me and hugging me.

“I didn’t want to cause any drama. The first thing Pris asked when she saw that we were having problems was ‘is he cheating’ and that is a logical response. He didn’t trust me about Debby two years ago and look what happened. We’ve moved way past that, but at the end of the day it still happened.” I choked back a sob. There is goes, the missing piece of the puzzle that I was avoiding in this situation. I do fear that Brian is or has cheated on me. I can feel the cold with as much distance that has been between us lately.

“I doubt he would really cheat on you, Sel. The guy is madly in love with you.” Taylor tried to comfort me.

I shrugged at her statement then looked up at Demi, “how do you deal with the fact that Alex has so many female friends and most of them are models?”

“We actually had a fight about that not too long ago. It makes all my insecurities surface, but I trust him and that’s what matters.” she smiled sadly.

“Is that it? You don’t trust Brian?” Pris asked curiously. I’m surprised she hasn’t asked this question long ago.

“I trust him, but he’s distant so I have my fears. I know he loves me, but boys are boys.” I shrugged with a sigh.

“Lets just get some sleep and we will figure shit out once we all have some sleep. Maybe Alex will get through to Brian and we’ll have some information later.” Demi rubbed my back.

“Okay.” I nodded. I showed Pris and Taylor the room that Lex said that they could use while me and Demi took the room I used last night. I honestly have no idea what will happen, but I know what I have to do. Not only about me and Brian, but what I have to do to save Alex and Demi’s relationship. Right now I just need sleep.