Happy

[015]

Alex walked into the Bar & Grill with his hands stuffed into the front pockets of his skinny jeans. The skin on his bottom lip was slowly peeling off due to how he'd been biting down on it for the past full day, almost.

He shouldn't have left her alone in his bed, but he did.

It was all too much for him. Too much.

It terrified him, because when he woke up before she did that morning, the only thing running through his mind was how he was content just laying there with her. They wouldn't even need to kiss. As long as he was allowed to hold her in his arms, he was happy. And that scared him to death.

So he left, immediately feeling like a complete asshole.

When he came back, she was gone. And he wanted to give her a quick call, but at the same time: he didn't. It was all too much, too fast. He didn't know what he wanted, he didn't know what she wanted... He didn't know anything.

His eyes fell onto Zooey the moment he walked into the place he'd grown rather fond of, tongue darting out to dampen his dry lips. She wasn't manning the bar tonight, and was instead waitressing. Or perhaps, that was what she did all the time. It was his first time coming in before ten at night. He only came because he wanted to talk to her, but decided that if he chickened out at the last minute; he could just get drunk. Again.

Alex settled himself down at a table for two – occupying only one of the two chairs. Menus were already laid out on the table so he picked one up, studying it for a couple of moments before raising a hand – signalling for a waiter or waitress to take his order.

"Hey, welcome to Ricky's. What can I get for you?"

The voice was familiar to his ears, making him glance up and gulp simultaneously. She wasn't looking at him and was instead concentrating on writing something on the white pad of paper she had in her hands – an order from another table, probably.

"Hey Zo." He greeted softly, making her head snap up.

Her eyes widened slightly before she covered it up by smiling and nodding at him in greeting. "I've never seen you here for dinner before." She spoke casually, though it was easy for him to see that she felt awkward by the frequency of her shifting her weight from one foot to the other.

"Thought I'd have one proper meal here before I go back." He joked lightheartedly, smiling at her.

She smiled back but there was something different about it. Like she was forcing the smile. Like it hurt her to just smile at him.

"So... What can I get for you?"

"Fish and chips'll do, please. Thank you."

"Coming right up." She smiled again, the smallest of smiles, before she turned and walked back around the bar – into the kitchen to place the order; leaving Alex to watch her as she walked away.

His mind was screaming at him – to go up to her and apologise for leaving her, to pull her into his arms and kiss her till they were both out of breath, to tell her the truth; that he was afraid. But he didn't move from his spot – only opting to sit and stare at her as she walked from table-to-table, getting orders, picking up dirty dishes or handing out clean and freshly cooked food to other patrons. He ate his fish and chips in silence, savouring the taste and accompanying it with an ice cold beer. Alex smiled at her every time Zooey happened to glance over, and he always received a smile in response. But there was something off about it, and he didn't like that.

Alex pulled out a couple bills, throwing them onto the table before he walked over to the bar; stopping Zooey before she could go through to the other end. She stopped in her tracks, raising an eyebrow at him as her eyes trailed up from the hand that was wrapped around her wrist to the owner of the arm.

"Yeah?"

"What's wrong?"

"What do you mean?" She forced out a laugh.

"You know what." He frowned. "You're acting... Different."

"No I'm not." She shook her head.

"Yes you are."

"I'm not." She insisted. "Listen, 'Lex, I've got tables to wait."

Alex looked at her for a moment before he breathed a sigh, nodding as he let go of her wrist. She nodded in thanks before lifting up the thingy that would allow her to get to the other side of the bar. "Zo?"

She turned, humming. "Hmm?"

"We're... Okay, right?"

Something flashed in her eyes but it was gone before Alex could tell what it was. She painted a smile on her lips, nodding. "Of course. Why wouldn't we be?"

With another smile and nod, she turned again; disappearing into the kitchen. And again, Alex was only able to watch, his heart feeling like it couldn't pump enough blood throughout his system and his lungs feeling like they would collapse.

-----

There was something about being in a band that attracted women.

He didn't know why, but it was a hundred percent true. He had seen first hand the effects of mentioning that one was in a band that was relatively well known to a woman who might've probably not been interested in the aforementioned band member at all.

Alex never needed to use the whole "I'm in a band" thing. He never wanted to use it. But tonight, for some reason, he was out of his game. He was completely pissed drunk to the extent that he couldn't see straight anymore and he was sure that if he spoke to a random bloke again, he'd get beat to pulp because of his blunt and unfiltered thoughts.

There was a woman with striking red hair. She reminded him of someone, which was exactly why he was so desperate to get her. She reminded him of Zooey. If he couldn't have Zooey, then he'd settle for someone who bared some resemblance to her.

She kept rejecting him though; brushing off his flirty (he hoped) advances. He finally huffed silently before taking a final swig of his beer.

"Fine, I give up." He admitted defeat, though he really wasn't.

"Thank God." She mumbled, rolling her eyes as she turned away from him, still sat on the stool beside him by the bar in the club.

"So... What's your name?"

"I thought you've given up?"

"Well yeah... But, I dunno. Making conversation, I guess." He shrugged his shoulders, also silently applauding himself for not slurring his words as badly as he thought he would be.

She eyed him for a while before smiling just the slightest bit. "Kelsey." She titled her clear glass in his direction. "It's Kelsey."

"Alex." He titled his own beer bottle in her direction. "What do you do? For a living?" He clarified when she looked confused.

"Nothing interesting. Accounting." She shrugged with a bored smile – though the 'bored' part of the smile was because of her job, not because of her getting tired of Alex's advances.

"Cool."

"And you?"

"I'm in a band."

"Yeah?" She raised a brow, eyeing him up and down.

"Mmhmm." He hummed, nodding. "All Time Low. Ever heard of us?"

"Mmhmm," she hummed back, scooting closer to him. "I actually love that band."

And just like that – he'd gotten the girl. She didn't look anything like his Zooey, but she had the same hair colour as her. Apart from that, she was the complete opposite, really. She had no lip piercing, she was short and skinny, she was always waiting for Alex to take control of whatever they were doing. While with Zooey, if she wanted to be on top during their snogging session, she would just push at his shoulder till he stumbled down so that she could straddle his waist and kiss him senseless.

He really fucking liked that about her. Just one of the numerous things that he did like about Zooey, really.

He liked that she listened. He liked that she didn't judge him. He liked that she was kind, compassionate. He liked that she became his friend, despite already knowing that he was kind of a douche bag. He liked the way she played with her lip ring when she was bored, or thinking about something. He liked the way her fingers always fiddled with his own. He liked that when she kissed him, she did so with as much passion and force as he kissed her.

He liked her. So much.

And yet, there he was – sleeping with another woman just to convince himself that he didn't like her. What fucked up logic that was; coming from someone equally as fucked up.

-----

"Zooey!"

The young woman turned, confused at first before recognition dawned on her face and a small smile came unto her lips. "Hey, you."

"Hey." Alex grinned. He wasn't drunk, but he wasn't completely sober, either. It was the weird stage in which he was conscious of what he was doing, but things were still a little bit fuzzy and he didn't really have the filter in his mind set up yet.

"What are you doing here?" She asked curiously, though she gulped – as though she knew why he was there.

"Just... Walking around." Alex settled on replying.

"Walking around, eh?" She asked, a small, incredibly forced laugh bubbling between her lips as she shook her head.

"Yeah. Just walking around." Alex smiled, albeit hesitantly now. "You know me. Deep thoughts and shit." He tried to joke, but the look on her face made him drop his smile almost immediately.

"I can smell the perfume from here, 'Lex. I see the love-bites on your neck. There's lipstick on your face." She said softly. "Just a walk, eh?" She asked again; her voice even softer now.

Alex licked his lips. "Zooey, I – " he cut himself off. "I'm sorry."

"What for?" She asked quietly.

He didn't know what to answer that with, because he was sorry for so many things. He was sorry for leaving her, he was sorry for screwing things up with her, he was just sorry for fucking things up.

"Listen... About last night..."

"What about it?" Her voice trembled, almost, like she knew what he was about to say and she knew that she wouldn't be able to take it, and that killed him.

"It – " he cut himself off, shaking his head. He wanted to say that it shouldn't have happened, but the words felt so heavy on his tongue and he knew that he would regret it the moment he said it.

"What –" Zooey sighed, shaking her head this time as her finger ran through her red strands. "What do you want, 'Lex? Just... Tell me."

Alex said nothing, only looking at her. He marvelled at how she could still look so fucking perfect despite it being three in the morning and her having just finished her short shift at the bar. He was sure that he looked like complete and utter shit, and he was only drinking, and then getting with someone he picked up at the club, not even manning the bar or even working.

He wanted her. God, he wanted her so badly.

But he couldn't have her, because he knew that he'd fuck up. He knew that something would happen – whether it had something to do with Lisa, or Tay, or even All Time Low – he knew that something would happen to sabotage whatever chance of a relationship or whatever that he wanted with her. Hell, they weren't even together and he'd already fucked up.

Although, at the same time, he wasn't exactly sure if he wanted a relationship with her. As much as he didn't think it was true, he actually feared commitment. He feared the whole labelling thing, the staying committed to one person for the rest of his life – that sort of thing.

Stupid as it may seem, he was actually terrified that he'd just forget that he was in a relationship one day and just carry on with his rather unappealing habits of slagging around.

"What do you want, Alex?" She asked again, her voice softer.

The male in question stayed silent, looking at her and then darting his eyes to his combat boots. He didn't know what to say.

That was a lie.

He knew what to say, for he had tons to say. He wanted to tell her how he wasn't right for her, how she deserved someone so much better than him, how he could never be what she wanted, how he was a fuck up when it came to commitment and other adult stuff, despite him being an adult.

"I'm tired, 'Lex. I'm so fucking tired." She sighed, shaking her head. "Every time we hang out, and we get closer, and I feel like this could go somewhere. Because you kiss me like – like I actually mean something to you. Sometimes, I feel like – like, you and I could actually be something. Like, maybe... Maybe we could work things out. But then you just push me away again and act like a proper dick, going around shagging any random woman who makes the first move. You can't keep coming to me whenever you feel lonely and when you – when you feel like you miss what it was like having a girlfriend, and then treat me like nothing but an acquaintance afterwards. Jesus, Alex. It's exhausting."

Again, Alex was silent. He just couldn't bring himself to speak, and he didn't even know why. He didn't know why he couldn't just tell her the thoughts that he had running in his mind. He didn't know why he couldn't tell her that he was just so god damn insecure – up to the extent that he figured the moment he went on tour, she'd find another guy who could be there for her all the time, another guy who could make her properly happy.

"So what do you want, Alex? Because I'm so tired of waiting around and –" she cut herself off with another sigh, her eyes glassy. "What do you want?"

"I don't know what I want."

Alex looked up as he spoke, and he wished that he hadn't. The sharp intake of breath that he'd seen Zooey take in and then the massive gulp that she'd taken... That was enough to make his heart hurt. He had hurt her and he never wanted to hurt her. A tear dripped out from the corner of her eye, making him instinctively reach forward to wipe it away, but he was stopped by a hand in the air.

"Don't." She said quietly. "Please, don't."

"Zo –"

Zooey shook her head. "I'm sick of this, and I can't do it anymore. Whatever we had... Whatever the kissing and the one-night-stand that I probably was to you... – I- I," she sighed. "I'm done." She smiled the most broken and forced smile that he'd ever seen on anyone before. "I'm done."

Alex opened his mouth, trying to force himself to tell her everything that he wanted to. He wanted to tell her how much he needed her, how much he depended on her – emotionally – in a way that he'd never depended on anyone before. He wanted to tell her that he was falling deeper and deeper in love with her, but was so afraid that he'd ultimately screw things up. He wanted to tell her so many things.

But he couldn't.

He couldn't open his mouth and let the words flow out – explaining everything going through his mind. He couldn't try to put his stray and idle thoughts about fucking things up between them before anything could happen into proper, comprehensive sentences.

Instead, he stood rooted to the ground, expressionless as he looked at her using the back of her hand to wipe at her eyes. Zooey shook her head a little, turning on her heel with two words that he wished he would've never ever have to hear coming out from her perfect set of lips.

"Goodbye, Alex."

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"You never say 'bye', how come?"

"Goodbye means going away, and going away means forgetting."

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