Happy

[004]

"This is it, then?"

Alex sighed softly, a hand resting on the bark of a random tree in a park that he'd mindlessly walked to, his feet kicking idly at the grass. "Yeah."

Lisa hiccupped on the other end of the line. "But how can you just give up? We've been together for nine years, Alex. We've, - we've been to hell and back, together."

Alex stayed silent. He didn't know what to say. He didn't even know if he wanted to say something because, well, this was Lisa that he was talking to. Although a complete sweetheart, she knew how to manipulate people's words and turn them around so that she would be the victim. No matter what he said, she'd turn his words around and play the victim and Alex would probably feel so badly that he'd just agree to get back together that he had no romantic feelings towards.

Come to think of it, he felt like he had no feelings at all. He didn't even know why but he felt so empty. It wasn't the type of empty that could be cured with a couple of drinks and then he'd be fine in the morning. It was just the feeling of loneliness when he insisted that he wasn't lonely. The feeling that he would never be good enough so he'd just given up.

Given up on what, exactly – he didn't quite know, either.

He wasn't done with music or the band. He wasn't done with his family. He wasn't done with his friends. He wasn't done with sex and booze and all those good things in life.

But yet, he still felt like he had nothing good going on in his life when he knew damn well that he was actually a very, very lucky young man.

Maybe... Because Lisa had been his girlfriend-sort of-but-not-really for such a long time that he forgot what it felt like to care for someone else in the way that a lover would care for their other.

"I love you." Lisa whispered from the other end of the line.

Alex swallowed, drawing in a sigh. "I'm sorry."

"Don't you love me?" She tried again, her tone taking one of complete and utter desperation.

"I –" Alex cut himself off.

"You do." Lisa insisted, her tone getting hopeful and determined. "You love me. You still love me. You'll always love me. Face it 'Lex, we're in it for the long run. You're the one I'm going to –"

"No."

"What?"

"I don't love you."

Silence. And then the sound of the line cutting off. Alex had no doubt that Lisa had cut the call and then thrown her phone down to the ground, or maybe, she just cut the call and then collapsed to the ground in tears.

But Alex didn't want to think of that.

Because, no matter how empty he felt, he still had a conscience and he still felt guilt. He felt immense guilt for the pain and hurt that he'd more than likely caused the girl that had it set in her mind that they were going to get married and grow old together.

Then again, if he felt guilt for that, then why wasn't he feeling any guilt for not even giving the whole relationship aspect with Tay? Why didn't he feel guilt for the few women that he'd lied to in order to get off, and then walk out the next morning – not even remembering their bloody names?

Alex sighed, pocketing his phone and then taking a sit on an empty park bench. He let his head fall into his hands, rubbing at his eyes tiredly.

"I need a fucking drink."

-----

"I promise I won't be a bother again."

Zooey looked up, smiling lopsidedly when Alex grinned back at her tiredly. She let out a small laugh, shrugging her shoulders as she gestured for him to take a seat. He did so, sighing for what seemed to be the hundredth time that day.

"So what's your poison for the day?" She smiled lopsidedly at him.

Alex shrugged. "Just a bottle of beer would be cool, thanks."

"Coming right up."

It was barely past sun down and he was already at a pub with full intentions of getting completely hammered drunk and hopefully getting some.

He'd spent a couple of hours at the park, after he'd gone to pick up a bottle of vodka, placing it in a thermal type of cup thing so that he wouldn't get those nasty looks of disapproval from the parents and grandparents at the park. They would've assumed that he was drinking a coffee and that was his intention.

He didn't do much at the park. He just sat and watched people.

He watched the little kids play – in a totally non-pedophile-ish way. He watched young teenage couples cuddle up to each other, exchanging cheeky little kisses here and there. He watched the elderly couples hold hands, smiling as they people watched – just like he was doing.

And though he really didn't want to admit it, he already found himself missing Lisa. It wasn't because he had lied when he said that he didn't love her – because he really didn't. The only love for her that he had in the current moment was a love that only a friend could offer a friend. He found himself missing her because, well, she'd been there for almost ten years of his life. He missed the security of always having her around to get back home to. He missed the security of knowing that at least one person loved him.

But at the same time, he was afraid. Afraid of what exactly? Even he himself wasn't too sure.

Maybe he was afraid of commitment, for that was the only logical thing that could come to mind. Maybe he was afraid of letting go of his free lifestyle – being able to sleep with any other woman while on tour because Lisa had, technically, allowed him to do so since they weren't exactly together. Maybe he was afraid that what he was, as a whole, would never be enough for anyone.

"What's a guy like you –" a sultry female voice spoke from beside him, making him glance in the general direction as he took a swig of his bottle of Guinness. "– drinking all alone in a pub like this?" She asked, a smirk crawling across her painted red lips.

Alex let a lazy smirk cross his lips. His brown eyes darkened as they trailed up down her body. She was a pair of short, high-waisted jean shorts and a cropped top that would pretty much pass off as a bra. And in that moment, the only thing that crossed his mind was how sexy she looked and how good she'd be in bed.

"I could ask you the same thing." He raised a brow, tipping his bottle in her direction as he put on his natural English accent.

He was hoping that she didn't know he was the Alex Gaskarth from All Time Low. He'd very much rather her think that he was just an ordinary twenty-something year old English bloke just drinking at a random pub.

It was semi-true, anyway. The twenty-something year old English bloke part.

"I had a shit day." She shrugged her shoulders.

Alex let out a small laugh. "I know the feeling."

She raised a brow, grinning devilishly as she edged closer to him. A painted and perfectly manicured fingernail was gently trailed down the front of his chest since he'd spun around so that his back was to the bar and he was facing her. "So... What say.... You and me head back to my place and have a little fun?"

"Depends." He replied honestly. "Are you looking for a dude to stay with you?"

"I'll take what I can get." She shrugged lightly.

"All I can offer you is sex."

"And I'll take that." She smiled, rather amused.

It didn't even take a minute for Alex to down the rest of his alcoholic beverage, getting off of the stool after he'd placed a bill onto the bar top. He grabbed onto the temptress' hand, pulling her out of the bar, only slowing down his movements to let her pick her stuff up.

Her flat was much nearer than he expected, and they ended up in her bedroom with nothing on in record time; lips attacking each other feverishly as hands roamed freely and body movements synched.

The next morning though, Alex was gone. He'd left a note. Just a note. And he knew that he'd hurt the lady that he'd slept with, because he knew that although she said that she was fine with the whole "only sex for the night" thing, she would still be hurt that he hadn't even bothered to give her a chance at the relationship thing. He hadn't even told her his name, for Christ's sake.

Alex sighed as he stood under the shower in his bathroom. So this was his life now. Pointless sex with random people, all because he felt like he couldn't... love.