Life with Tommy

Because I was feeling hurt and am stubborn, I didn’t talk to Tommy for two days. I put on my ‘I don’t need him’ armor and tried to occupy myself with work and boring daily chores. But I also imagined a hundred different scenarios of how things would play out between us because that's what I do--I try to plan everything.

I was just getting out of the shower after a run when he texted me ‘Can I come over’. I didn’t want to play games so I responded right away ‘Sure. I’m home’. About 15 minutes later he was knocking on the door. When I opened it and saw him, I realized how much I had missed him, even though it had only been two days. He came in and sat down on the couch. He didn’t waste any time getting into it.

“Look. I’m sorry I yelled at you but you gotta know that I’m not this good guy that you’ve built up in your head. Sometimes I’m gonna hurt your feelings and sometimes I’m not gonna say the right thing.”

“Great. Thanks for letting me know” I interrupted.

“Just let me finish. I can be an ass but that doesn’t mean that I don’t care about you. It doesn’t mean that I…”

“Tommy, if you’re going to give me the ‘I’m not good enough for you’ speech before you break up with me, just get it over with”. I was barely holding it together at this point and didn’t want to suffer the disgrace of losing it in front of him like a romantic comedy stereotype.

“Damnit Sarah! Would you let me finish! I was going to say that just because I act like an ass doesn’t mean I don’t love you.”

That shut me up right away.

“What did you say?” I stammered.

“I said that I love you”.

“And that you’re an ass” I replied sarcastically.

“Yeah. Both of those”.

“Wow”.

Two Masters Degrees and that single syllable was all I could manage. At that moment I had so many things running through my mind. I would obviously not be needing my prepared fuck you speech, and nowhere in the scenarios I had acted out in my mind last night did I prepare myself to hear those three words.

“That’s all you got? Wow? I’m pouring my heart out like a fucking idiot and that’s it?”

“You just caught me off guard.” I took a breath to compose myself before I continued. “Tommy, I understand that sometimes you can be emotionally retarded”. I gave him a little smirk to ease the tension before I continued. “And I know that I’m not the most emotionally available person in the world. But what happened a couple days ago really hurt me. I show my love for someone by doing things for them. Maybe it’s finding the perfect gift, DVRing their favorite show, or making them a special meal. And when you couldn’t even be bothered to let me know you weren’t coming over and then threw it in my face that I had taken the time to do something special, it really hurt. And call me crazy, but I don’t think people who love each other should hurt each other. I never want to hurt you Tommy, and I would hope that you feel the same way. There, that’s it I said my piece”. I then exhaled the breath I didn’t realize I was holding and waited for his response.

“That sounds fair to me. The other night…I don’t know what happened. I got caught up somewhere in my own head and wanted to take it out on someone and I chose you. I know it was a dick move, but I was angry and that’s how it came out.”

“Tommy, it’s fine to be angry. It’s fine to tell me you’re angry. You have a reason to be. A lot of shit has happened to you. But you can’t bottle it up because this is what happens. I’m here for you to talk to you. I’m here when you need to vent. And you being a jerk for a few days isn’t going to scare me away because I love you.”

It was the first time I had ever said it to any man. I was scared, but I wasn’t going to let that fear keep me from Tommy. I knew he was far from perfect, but that was what drew me to him. I reached for him and buried my face in his chest. As soon as I felt his arms around me, I let go of all the hurt of the past few days and just lived in that moment.

I loved Tommy and he loved me. Everything else we could work on.