Like Granite

She’d needed some space, some time to think things through.

All of those feelings kept washing over her, threatening to pull her beneath the tide, but Jenny knew that, no matter how much she wanted things to go back to the way they were before, it was impossible. James was different now.

She couldn’t help but think that this would be all be easier somehow if he had stayed dead. Grieving a loss was normal, natural, but knowing that the love of your life was now just a monster roaming the streets was too much for her to wrap her mind around.

Her purple comforter was tugged up to her neck as she sat up in bed, hugging her knees to her chest, her light eyes staring vacantly at the television screen. As much as she tried to pay attention to the movie on the screen, her racing thoughts just wouldn’t allow it. A Twilight marathon was the absolute last thing she needed right now, but it was the middle of October, so just about every channel was running horror movies.

It was crazy how, even after all of this time, the strangest things made her think of him, like at that precise moment with the horror movies. They’d always been James’s thing, and it seemed like every time it was his turn to pick a flick for their weekly movie night, it was always something scary. She’d be forced to spend the entire minutes peeking through her fingers, clutching his hand, or curled up against his chest, refusing to even glance towards the screen. Maybe that’s why he’d always enjoyed the slasher flicks the most: it was an excuse to be close to her without being overly romantic or sappy about it.

Jenny let her head fall back into the pillow, gaze focused on the ceiling above her as she thought back to those nights. Whenever she remembered the way things used to be, it was always the little things about him that she missed the most, like the way his sweat would cause those shaggy chestnut locks to curl after hockey practice, the way he always sang along with Smokey Robinson and Marvin Gaye in the car, and that effortlessly way he could always make her smile, even if she was having the shittiest day ever.

She’d reached for her cell phone a thousand times in the past hour, so tempted to just shoot him a text, but she couldn’t follow through. She needed her space, her distance from him, at least for right now. Jenny knew she’d never be able to make up her mind about this if he were here. There were just too many remnants of the old James left behind and too many vampiric alterations to his features; she couldn’t think rationally when her emotions were set ablaze.

So many nights she’d prayed to God to bring her James back to her, to erase the car accident and all the pain was left in its wake, but she never wanted it to be like this.

What was she supposed to do when the one person she told everything to, that same person who held her together when she felt like her world was falling apart, was gone?

When she finally got up the nerve to grab her phone, her eyes skimmed over the last few text messages exchanged between them, and it was then that she realized the last thing she’d said to him before the accident was that she missed him. In that moment, she smiled to herself, but there still that part of her that felt broken. On the verge of tears, she knew she had to try, because, even though it was selfish, she couldn’t stand the thought of living without him. She’d gotten through it the first time, but now that he was back from the dead and she’d seen him with her own eyes, she knew she’d never be able to let him go. Her instincts told her to stay away, that he was dangerous, but she couldn’t live her life wondering “what if.”

Shaky fingers typed out the words “Come over,” and on an impulse, she hit “Send” with her thumb.

Jenny placed her phone back on the nightstand, but as she turned away, she caught a glimpse of a framed photo propped up on the lamp base. It was a picture of her and James from prom, and it was the only trace of him she couldn’t stand to stash away. Every time she’d tried to place it in the box with all of the other souvenirs of their time together, she just couldn’t go through with it. So there it sat, still right by her bed, the two ecstatic faces smiling back at her.

Maybe all of her reminiscing had caused her to lose track of the time, but it seemed like right after she’d texted him, she heard the familiar crack of a pebble against the glass. At first, Jenny thought that she had to be hearing things, but then there it was again.

She could see him, standing there with his hands thrust into the pockets of his jeans, a regular John Cusack without the blaring boombox lifted over his head. Even from her bedroom upstairs, she could make out that dazzling James Diamond smile, and she waved down at him before quickly and quietly making her escape.

It was a tried-and-true routine, and while Jenny wasn’t one to break the rules, in this small town, there wasn’t a ton of things to do. There were the games at their high school, and there was a mall and a movie theater in the next city over, but other than that, there wasn’t much to do to pass the time. The old, abandoned rock quarry was like their own little escape, the one place they could be together without their friends’ or their parents’ prying eyes..

Without any hesitation, she ran into his arms, and his embrace was as solid and as steadfast as it had always been, but it lacked that unrelenting warmth that she’d been so accustomed to. The warmth that she’d always associated with James. In its place was nothing but cold stone, and she couldn’t shake the thought that it felt just like hugging a statue. But a statue could never pull her this close or kiss her hair like James did.

“Are we gonna head out to the quarry?” he asked as he held the passenger’s side door open for her.

“Mhm,” she replied, forcing a smile as she slid in. Though she couldn’t hide her nervousness, there was still that tiny piece inside of her that was jumping up and down at the linger of his kiss.

They didn’t speak the entire drive to the quarry: James hummed along with the radio while Jenny watched the familiar landscape stream by her window. The tension between them was undeniable, and she wished she knew what to say to him, how to explain how she felt about him, about everything, but it was useless. She wished she could treat him like James instead of this creature that she was so wary of. All she wanted was to go back: go back to the bond they’d shared before he moved to L.A., before the car accident, before his death. She wanted to go back to the time when things between them had been as easy as breathing: back when she was just the girl next door, he was the boy she was so hopelessly in love with, and the two of them were the couple that everyone wanted to be.

Their future together used to seem so bright, but now, Jenny just wasn’t sure.

“So…how have you been?” he asked in an attempt to ease some of the awkwardness that was so heavy between them.

“I’ve been okay.” She offered him a weak smile, but he knew her well enough to see through the façade.

“No,” he began, hazel eyes staring out at the vast canyon of granite ahead. “You haven’t, and honestly, I’m not okay either.”

Jenny felt the pang of heartbreak in her chest as she watched his expression shift because his pain was so much her own, and she grabbed his hand over the gearshift of the pick-up truck.

“I’ve missed you, Jen,” he admitted while his gaze still refused to meet hers. “I know I told you that last night, and I probably never should’ve come back here, but I still love you.” The confession was punctuated by his wistful sigh. “I don’t know what you’re thinking right now, and it’s cool if you never wanna see me again, I’d understand, but I guess I just wanted you to see that I’m still the same person on the inside and that those feelings I had for you are still there. I…I just couldn’t go on without seeing if you possibly felt the same way. I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t try…for us.”

“I know,” she said the words slowly. “I’ve been feeling the same way.”

The full moon above seemed to leech everything of its color, painting the forest around them in shades of black, white, and gray. This was where the two of them were left to linger: somewhere in-between their past and their future, just another shade of gray. This would’ve been the perfect setting, the ideal circumstances for yet another star-crossed romance. He was her Heathcliff, broken and wild, and these were their moors, but Jenny didn’t want death, heartache, and decay. All she’d ever wanted was that elusive happily ever after she’d heard over and over again in the fairy tales of her childhood.

But this wasn’t a fairy tale, this was real life, and in this life, the future was still unwritten. All Jenny knew for certain was the sense of longing still buried in her chest and this undying love she still had for the boy at her side.

Things would never be the same as they were before, but they still had the future. He had that unwavering hope, and the least she could do was try.

And then, there it was, the sound of his voice. It had the power to embody her with that glimmer of hope she needed so badly. “Some people want it all, but I don’t want nothing at all, if it ain’t you, baby. If I ain’t got you, baby…