Recycled Memories

When I met Alex Valdez, I never expected he would be the only person I would ever truly love for the rest of my life. When I met him, I was only a kid. I just figured he was my best friend. We spent so much time together when we were kids. We would spend any extra time we had at school together and then after school as well. We would both walk from school to his little brother’s elementary to pick him up. His little brother’s name is Tyler. He’s a sweet kid. He really looks up to Alex and seeing them together really made me wish that I had a sibling. Alex always preferred spending time at my house, but on school nights he had to watch his brother. His mother doesn’t really come out of her room. He didn’t tell me until years later what happened. We were already together by then, but I’m getting ahead of myself.
I met Alex in our freshman year of high school. We were in the same homeroom class. He was late for class for a reason I still don’t know, but the last seat was right in front of me. I remember looking back on that first day meeting Alex and thinking that he smelled good, but I blocked that thought out. He turned around and asked me, “Did I miss anything important?” I answered, “No.” I didn’t know what else to say. He smiled. “Thanks,” he said. “I’m Alex.” “Noah,” I replied.
That’s when it started. We started talking more during our homeroom class. We didn’t have any other classes together and we didn’t have lunch together either. So, we would take homeroom as an opportunity to catch up and also talk to each other about homework. He wasn’t really someone who caught on to math quickly and I am, so I helped him and he helped me with my English papers and readings. Right away, I could tell that he loved to write. He didn’t even have to tell me. By Halloween, we were best friends. We spent so much time together that people actually thought we were brothers, although I don’t know how. He has the blackest hair that I’ve ever seen and I’m a natural blond. Anyway, the question was asked of us all the time.
It all changed when I met Lilith.
I met Lilith right before winter break and from the moment I met her, I knew that I wanted to know her more. Her face was so enchanting and her eyes were intoxicating. I felt bad for spending less time with Alex, but I had to spend as much time as I could with Lilith. I liked her so much and I just wanted her to like me back. I got so distracted from Alex, that I didn’t even know how my relationship with Lilith was affecting him. The relationship didn’t really last that long, only a few months. Right before school ended, in May, is when I finally noticed what I was doing to Alex. I noticed that he was always alone and that he always looked miserable. We never did anything together anymore. I was always with Lilith and if I ever invited him, he turned me down. Then I realized that he would never want to be a third wheel; who does?
One day, I went up to him and asked him why he was being so difficult for the past few months. That’s when he blew up. I’d never seen him blow up in anger like that before. He was usually a very docile person. He didn’t even really care who was around him, which was also out of character for him because he was one who really cared about appearances, or at least emotional appearances. Lilith wasn’t even at school that day because she had a cold, so that was really the only reason I had the opportunity to talk to him. He just went off about how I just ditched him for Lilith and how “that girl” could never care about me the way he cared about me. That’s when he threw me off. I always knew that Alex and I were best friends and that we cared about each other, but there was something in his tone when he said that he cared about me. It was a different type of “care.” It triggered something in my mind and in my heart and in my body. I could see his hurt and his misery in his eyes. I was affected greatly by his confession, but I was frozen. I didn’t know what to say or what to do. I just stood there.
“Well?!” He yelled.
I wasn’t ready to actually answer him so I just walked away. In hindsight that maybe wasn’t the best way to handle it, but I didn’t know what else to do. As soon as I got a moment alone in an empty hallway, I knew what I had to do. So, I left the school. I didn’t even sign myself out. Well, even if I tried I couldn’t because I wasn’t a senior yet. I walked to Lilith’s house which wasn’t that far from the school, only about a half an hour walk. What I did when I was there wasn’t something I never thought I would do, break up with her. I couldn’t believe I was doing it while she had the flu, but I couldn’t wait. I knew that I couldn’t wait. She didn’t seem too terribly upset, but I could also see her hiding her feelings.
When I left Lilith, I walked to a local burger place because I knew that if I walked home, Maria would be there and she would tell my parents that I was home before I was supposed to be. So I hung out in the burger place, gathering my thoughts. I had just broken up with Lilith to be with Alex. I never in a million years, as cliché as it is, saw that coming. Maybe I should’ve seen it coming, but just blocked it out like I do so many other things. To think that I’ve blocked out so many feelings and facts over the past year was incomprehensible to me. I’m not the one that daydreams or blocks things out because he doesn’t like them; that was always Alex. I like to keep things real and on the table. But somehow this one little detail, that turned out to be not so little, escaped me. I had enough money to buy a meal, burger fries soda. As I ate, I thought about all the times Alex and I sat in that very fast food restaurant and at burgers fries sodas. All I could think about was Alex. All the time that we spent together was what I pictured in my head as I shoved fries into my mouth and gulped down soda. I finished in record time. I’m normally a very slow eater, but it took me only five minutes to finish all of my food. But those five minutes seemed infinite. How could I have gotten so close to someone so fast and not gotten the hint that it was more than friendship? After that specific thought, I recalled Alex’s eyes. His hazel eyes always got to me. He could get me to do anything if he looked at me all sad with his eyes all big. That should’ve tipped me off. How could I not only know his specific eye color by memory and be so yielding to their powers and not realize my feelings for him? I left him in the middle of the quad two hours before not because I was ashamed that he had feelings for me, but because I was ashamed that I’d hurt the person I love so much.
I walked home. My home wasn’t like a lot of homes in town. My home was specially designed by my father in this town because it was the only town with enough space for him to build his dream home. The house is technically three floors, but the third is the attic, which is probably bigger than any other attic in the state. On the ground floor there is the foyer, and when you walk in, you’re met by a marble entry table. On either side of the entry table, you have a stair case. It was my mom’s idea to have a dual staircase. If you walk through the foyer, passed the staircases, you’re right in the grand hall. To your left is the sitting room and to your right is the kitchen. Adjacent to the sitting room, is the entertainment room. If you walk straight of the grand room, you can walk out onto our terrace, complete with a brick encased barbeque, an outdoor dining set, and a mid-19th century cascading fountain mother had flown in from France. Passed the terrace you have the pool and the pool house, which is probably as big as a two room apartment. Going back into the house, the dining room is of course attached to the kitchen and then if you go upstairs, you go into the living quarters. Even though it was just the three of us and Maria, our live-in housekeeper/cook/maid, my father wanted the house to have exactly eight rooms. Eight rooms were just enough to seem a lot without having to compromise on the space inside of the rooms. You had the master suite, which was of course my parents’ room, the junior suite, my room, and the living suite, which was Maria’s room. The rest were guest rooms named after whatever color scheme my mother chose for that specific room. There was a gold room, a black room, a red room, a blue room, and a green room.
As soon as I walked into my room, I called for Maria to say hello. I was relieved that she was only in the kitchen, not far from the foyer because I would’ve felt bad if she was upstairs cleaning or something. She lived with us so she didn’t need a uniform or anything like that, so she just wore whatever she wanted to around the house, within reason. Of course she couldn’t walk around in her underwear. She was really tall and thin with long wavy hair that she always had in a ponytail that reached almost to her butt. She has a son I believe that lives with her mother or something so that way she could be an in-house maid. I always wondered why my parents didn’t ever offer for them to stay together in the house, but it’s not technically my house so it’s not my place to ask.
“Hello Noah,” said Maria as she hugged me. “How was your day?”
“It was…interesting, but good.”
“Your face says otherwise,” she said with concern in her brow.
“I broke up with Lilith.”
I saw relief in her face. “That girl was not right for you. It was in her eyes. They were way too mysterious.”
“I broke up with her so I could be with Alex,” I elaborated.
She smiled. “Noah, my child, I have known you since you were five years old. One day, when you were about ten years old, I remember thinking that one day you would fall in love with a boy or a man. I hoped it would be a boy because that meant you would figure it out sooner. Baby, I am so happy that you have finally figured out who you are. You figured out who you are without your parents, without any guidance.”
“You…You knew?”
“Isn’t that what I just said?” She asked with a smile.
“You don’t care that I’m with a boy?”
She shook her head. “And I doubt your parents would either. They both give generously to GLAAD and The Human Rights Campaign.”
“They do?”
“Among many other charities,” she said.
“You didn’t tell them did you?”
“Of course not, you have to tell them when you’re ready.”
“Right…”
“I think I need to go see Alex before I do that.”
“Do you want me to drive you?”
“Thanks Maria. That would be great.” I gave her a hug.
Maria gathered her purse and her car keys and we climbed into her Mercedes. The car ride to Alex’s house was pretty silent. She knew where he lived because she’d driven me to Alex’s many times before. When we arrived, we each sat in the car for a moment in the same manner as the car ride, silent. I looked at his house. Of course it was nowhere near as grandeur as my father’s house, but whose was? It was a simple two story ranch style house. It was very small with a small porch in the front and it was painted a grass green with burgundy trim around the windows and door. It was certainly the most colorful house on the block.
“Don’t be nervous, my child.”
“Maria, what if he doesn’t forgive me?”
“Alex is your best friend. If there’s one thing best friend’s do, it’s forgive.”
“I will wait for you here.”
I gave her a nod and then climbed out of the car. I steadily walked up to his front door and gently knocked. I remembered that around the time I was there, his mother would be napping. It took a few minutes, but he opened the door.
“Oh…” He looked me up and down. “It’s you.”
“Can I…Can I come in?”
He thought for a second. “Sure,” he said as he stepped aside.
I remember his house being very homey. I always felt comfortable there, but not at that moment. At that very moment, I felt like my bones would jump out of my skin. I tried to get over my nerves and walked straight into the living room. I could hear him gently close the door behind me. When I entered the living room, Tyler, his brother, was doing his homework on the coffee table, sitting on the carpet.
“Hey buddy, could you do that in your room for a sec? Noah and I have to talk.”
Without a word, he gathered up his papers and his books and he left to his room. He gave me a look that said “hello” and “goodbye” simultaneously. I looked back at Alex as soon as Tyler left the room. I looked at his dark hair, the darkest hair I’d ever seen. I looked at his hazel eyes, green and blue with a slight tinge of orange in them. They could be the brightest or the darkest eyes, depending on his day. I looked at his mouth, which was not smiling now, but when it did it could light up the darkest cave. I stopped at his mouth, because I could see the impatience in his upper lip. He was at least five feet away from me.
“I came here to say that I’m sorry.” I paused and took a big gulp. I had a lump in my throat the size of Madagascar. “I was too blind to see what I was doing to you because I wanted the thing I had with Lilith to be it. I wanted it to be the thing that distracted me from the thoughts that I had of you. In my denial, I couldn’t see how much I was hurting you.”
He stayed silent, but stepped a little closer.
“I broke up with her. I cared about her, but…not in the same way that I care about you. Alex, you are my best friend, but you’re more than that to me now. You are the person that I love and the person that I want to be with. I understand if you’re mad and if you need some time, I can give that to you.”
I had more to say, but I didn’t get to say it because he took one giant step, pulled me into him and pressed his lips against mine. They were rough and a little dry and I could feel his slight stubble. At first I wasn’t expecting the kill to be coarse, because a kiss with a girl is so delicate and smooth, but the coarseness didn’t bother me; it actually felt really right. I don’t know if it was because it was with a guy, or because it was with Alex, but I didn’t really care.
After the kiss, we talked a lot. Mostly about how we would take it slow and not make anything official. We didn’t want to rush into something like a relationship on a whim. Well, when I say we, I meant Alex. Alex was literally the most responsible person that I knew, especially when it came to relationships. He told me that when he saw his parents’ relationship unravel, he vowed that he would never enter into one of his own lightly. It was fine by me. I knew that he could be particular about certain things, but it was part of what made him so charming to me.
That kiss was on April 27th, 2004. For three months, Alex and I courted each other. We went on casual dates like for coffee or ice cream, or we just went on walks in the park. There was nothing official like dinners or movies. Finally, on July 18th, Alex asked me if I would be his boyfriend, officially. We were eating ice cream in a local creamery. I was having my favorite, salted caramel and he was having his, chocolate brownie. Some people say that the type of ice cream you eat says a lot about you, but I really don’t know if that’s true. How much can a flavor you enjoy really say about your personality?
I was caught a little off guard, so I didn’t say anything for a little bit. I just smiled. Eventually I reach over and placed my hand on his. I picked it up and kissed the top. He knew that was my silent yes. With that, the beginning of the best relationship I have ever had was made official. Things would stay blissful for a pretty long time. Alex and I went out for longer than one would expect out of a high school relationship. We went out for three years. I loved Alexander Pedro Valdez with all of my heart and to this day I have never loved anyone more.
How it went wrong you ask? It didn’t.
I left Alex voluntarily. Alex was never really one to handle emotional trauma very well and I was always there to catch him when he felt like he was going to break down. The final straw for him, well at least when I was with him was when his mother died of cancer. He was alone, not really an orphan, but he might as well have been. His father stayed away for reasons obviously unknown to me, his mother was dead, and he had no one. There was one exception. He had me. I went to the funeral of his mother to support him, even though I’m pretty sure she always hated me. Alex was never one to “come out of the closet.” He hated putting labels on things and the only thing he ever really put a label on was us. My theory was that he hated putting labels on things because labels meant permanency and in his experience, permanency only led to heartbreak. So in the end, with me leaving him, I think I really only proved him right.
I left Alex in order to save him. I knew that with the death of his mother that he would be shattered, lost. He wouldn’t be able to function without me. I didn’t want that for him. I didn’t want him to be emotionally dependent on me. That wasn’t healthy for either of us. So, I made up a story. One of my best friends, who also happened to be gay, agreed to help me with Alex. He agreed to help me get into the best school, the furthest away. I knew that Alex wouldn’t be able to follow me. I knew he wouldn’t leave his little brother. I knew that if he thought that Brian and I were “running away together” that he would be crushed and it would probably cause him to near mental breakdown. But I also knew that he would push through it. I knew that he would learn to depend on no one else but himself. I knew that he would learn to be emotionally stable on his own, without me. And he would be a better person for it.
So I left.
I never met anyone else like Alex again. Maybe to anyone else he wouldn’t seem like the perfect boyfriend or even the perfect person. But there was always something about his spirit, especially when I first met him. You could see it in his eyes. It was hope. No matter what he went through, no matter what kind of crap his life put him through, that glimmer was still in his eyes. I always thought it was the writer in him, ready to see what the world has in store for him and ready to take it. No one got me like Alex did and I don’t think anyone else ever will.