Recycled Memories

I think if I had to endure anymore stress that I would drown. And my constant smoking is just making it worse. So I purchased some pills that I thought could make me relax; I thought that they would help me calm down. She always says that they make everything feel like purple, so how dangerous could they actually be? Even still, I don’t really take drugs. I don’t actually know how it’ll affect me. Maybe I shouldn’t take them on my own. I could ask her to take them with me. But would she just laugh at how much of a noob I am? I think it would be better to take them with someone just as green as me. I could call Evan. She wouldn’t like it. I never really understood why she cut him off so suddenly. He’s such a nice guy and everyone loves him. I think I’ll text him. Or maybe I’ll Facebook him. Is that less personal than a text? Or maybe it’s more personal. But now all of this thinking has me craving a cigarette.

He got up from his little study desk in the furthest corner of the library and packed all of his textbooks into his bag. “All of his textbooks” mainly consisted of three books.
Walking through the stacks to get out of the library was always a treat for him. He loved the scent that all of the books gave off. New books smell like clean pages and the glue that binds them together. Old books smell like mold or any other disgusting smell that someone can think of and all of them hate, but not Alex. He relishes the smell, the stink of books.

It’s such bullshit that I have to walk all the way out to the parking lot to have a cigarette now. What am I, an outcast? Do I have leprosy just because I enjoy smoking cigarettes every now and then? Okay maybe it’s a little bit more than now and then, but still. The library is all the way in the center of campus and I have to walk all the way to the parking lot to have a seven minute cigarette. I find it insulting.

He pulled out his Zippo, lit a cigarette and sucked in that sweet magic. Although it did take his mind off of the stress of midterms for seven minutes, it did nothing to relieve it. He just wants to feel calm again before he forgets what that feels like. That’s when he saw Logan. He put out his cigarette and threw it to the ground. He ran to Logan, calling out his name. Logan stopped and turned around when he heard. When Alex reached him, he was a little out of breath.

You okay Alex?
Uh…yeah…fine…
Okay…
Have you seen Evan?
Um, I think he’s at home studying.
At home home?
No of course not. He’s at his apartment.
Oh right. Thanks.
Is it something important?
No, but do you think I could have his address?
I don’t really know it by heart.
Well, can you tell me how to get there?
Can’t you just call him? You have his number right?
Yeah
So…
So I don’t wanna bother him.
But you’re going to bother him by stopping by.
Right. I know that. Can you just tell me how to get there?

Logan seemed suspicious, but he told Alex how to get there anyway. It wasn’t more than a few minutes from the college. Alex felt weird asking Logan for the directions. He was never really that close to Evan and therefore never been in his apartment. He figured Logan was still wondering what he wanted with Evan. Did he think it had something to do with Ed?
Anyway the lift was broken in Evan’s apartment building. Alex had to walk up to the fourth floor where his apartment was. He was in apartment 402.

Fuck stairs, man.
Fuck stairs, man.
Fuck.
Stairs.

He knocked and it took about thirty seconds before Evan answered. Alex thought he must look like an idiot huffing and puffing.

Hey man. What happened to you?
Nothing, he said. The lift’s broken.
Oh right. You’d better come in, then.

He lives in kind of dump. Isn’t he like super rich or something like that? Or at least his parents are. You’d think that he’d be living in a better apartment than this. I mean, it’s clean and it’s homey, but it’s a bit small considering the kind of money his family has and the type of apartment he could actually pay for. He does have a lot of problems when it comes to his parents though, so maybe he’s paying for this apartment on his own or something. Or maybe he’s living here just to stick it to them. If he is, more power to him, but I mean he could be living in the lap of luxury and he chooses to live in this place?

So what’s up man? How are your midterms going?
They’re going well, said Alex. I only have one left.
You’re lucky. I have one later on today and two later on in the week. I’ve kind of been cooped
up in here studying for the past twenty-four hours.
Listen, I came here because I was really stressed out about midterms and stuff and I, um…I
bought some E to calm me down, but I didn’t really want to take it alone.
So you came to me? I don’t do that stuff.
I know, but I didn’t want to go to Ed and you’re the only other person I trust to take it with
me.

Alex could see that Evan was actually considering it by the expression on his face. Alex was hoping that maybe Evan was just as stressed out as he was and maybe more. Maybe then he’ll want to calm down as much as he does. They both sat next to each other on the couch as Evan considered his options.

Okay, but I can’t right now because I have a midterm in two hours. Come back tonight at like 8.
Really?
Yeah.
Okay, I’ll be back around 8.

When Alex arrived home, he saw Devin’s car in the driveway. He wondered if Devin would take a pill with him. He probably wouldn’t though because his older brother did some hardcore drugs when he was younger and practically ruined his family. Now the only thing that Devin will ever touch is alcohol.

Turn the music on, he thought.

He fell asleep to the sweet hum of Peter Silberman .
He awoke to an obnoxious knock.
“Turn off that depressing shit!”
Disoriented, he stumbled out of bed. He walked towards the horrible banging and opened the door, still in his grey briefs. By now, Devin was used to Alex in his underwear so it really didn’t faze him.
“What the fuck man? I was sleeping,” he said.
“Dude, I’m ready to slit my wrists having to listen to that shit you have playing,” replied, Devin.
“What time is it?” He asked.
“What? I don’t know, like 7?”
“Do you feel like getting some dinner?”
“Um…” Devin looked around, a little bewildered. “Sure, I could eat.”
Alex got dressed and he drive the both of them to Q, a bar and restaurant. The both of them frequented this place and the staff new both of their names.
“The usual guys?” asked Caroline, their usual server.
As soon as she left, Devin finally had the chance to ask Alex what he’d been dying to ask him.
“So, why the sudden dinner invitation?”
“I don’t know. I just felt like having dinner with you.”
“It’s been a long time since we’ve been here at the same time.”
Alex looked at his clock. He didn’t really know why he invited Devin to dinner. He really just wanted time to go by quicker. He looked at his clock and half an hour had already passed. He wouldn’t actually be able to have dinner after all. So, he would drink his drink and then leave before he can order his dinner. He thought that maybe he would leave while Devin was taking a piss. It doesn’t take Devin long after his first sip to have to pee. He wondered what Devin’s penis looked like. He wondered if it was big. Then, he wondered why he was wondering something like that. Devin is attractive, but only really on the outside. He’s kind of insufferable as a person.

He arrived at Evan’s at about fifteen minutes after eight o’clock. He opened the door at one sound of Alex’s knock and stepped aside to let Alex in. He walked in and sat on the couch. Alex didn’t like how he felt. He felt like he was doing something bad. Technically he was, but it was a totally safe drug and there really wasn’t anything to worry about as long as they were both safe.
Do you want anything to drink? Evan asked.
Water? He replied.
Sure.
Evan walked over to his fridge and pulled out a chilled bottle of water and handed it to Alex. Alex opened the lid and gulped down half of the bottle with dramatic gulping noises. As he was drinking he thought, why does this feel so formal? Why did taking drugs to calm down feel so formal?
He took the bag of E out of his pocket and took two out. He gave one to Evan and Evan looked at it in his hand. They both stared at the pills for a few seconds before simultaneously placing them in their mouths. Now there was only the wait. It wouldn’t be that long, but to someone who has never done this it can feel like forever.
As I sat there next to Evan, something I’ve never done alone, I thought about things. My first thought was of Noah.
Was it a mistake to just let him go? Should I have fought more to keep him around? I know that he was my first love and that it probably would have never worked out anyway, but he seemed so entirely perfect. He seemed as though he was made just for me. So why wasn’t I enough for him? It seems like I’m never enough. I wasn’t enough for my father. It wasn’t enough to him that I was his flesh and blood. It wasn’t enough to him that I was exactly half of him. He just left. He left because of something I couldn’t control, something that I was born with. How could he just leave me and my brothers? How could he leave my mother? If you think about it, his leaving is directly responsible to Mark’s death which is what lead to my mom’s nervous breakdown. Mark is dead. Would he have died if my father never left? Would my father have left if I weren’t gay? It all comes back to me. But I can still remember what Noah smelled like. I can still remember how his skin was this odd meeting of rough and soft and how his hands felt moving up and down my body they felt…they felt…they felt purple. This really is a horrible apartment for someone whose family is purple. He could afford to at least buy some decent furniture. This couch could sure use a replacement. It’s not very purple.

I think I’m starting to feel it, he said.
Yeah me too, Evan said.
Does it feel like purple?
What?
Nothing, he said. It’s just something I heard.
I’m-I’m not feeling so good.
What? He asked.

Alex looked over and Evan had turned completely red. He seemed as though he was trying to say something. Alex put his hand on Evan’s chest and it was pumping violently. The convulsions were next and that’s exactly when Alex knew that he needed to call for help. He rushed to Evan’s phone, knowing that he couldn’t use his cell. He frantically dialed 911.

911 emergency response? What’s the nature of your emergency?
I…He needs help.
Who does, sir?
E-Evan…Evan Hope.
Okay sir, what kind of help.
He needs a doctor!
Okay, you need to calm down sir.
Come. Now.
Okay sir, EMTs are on the way.

Alex hung up. He looked at Evan. His convulsions stopped, but he was struggling to breathe. Breathe. Breathe, Alex. He needs help. So, you called for help. You did the right thing. I can’t be here. I can’t be here. I…
Before he knew it, Alex was in his car, sitting just down the street from Evan’s apartment building. He didn’t have to wait long before EMTs, police, and the fire department arrived at the building. As soon as they did, Alex drove off. Evan would be okay.