Recycled Memories

I remember very clearly when I first realized that I was in love with Noah. It wasn’t any one moment in time in particular. It was more of a gradual realization. I can tell you one thing for sure; it all started with her. And by her I mean Lilith. Before Lilith came into the picture, I was very content with my relationship with Noah. We were best friends; that’s all that we were, nothing more or less.
When he met her, I could see an immediate connection between them. I didn’t like it. I could feel him pulling away from our friendship even then. I didn’t know what my panic meant, but I would sure learn very soon.
Do you wanna see a movie this weekend? I asked him. He’d better say yes, I thought. But of course he didn’t. Oh man, I told Lilith that I would help her with her history project this weekend, he said. All weekend? I promptly asked. Well, kinda…yeah, he said. I see, I said. I put my head down in defeat and I started to walk away, but he stopped me. Please stop torturing me, I thought. Wait, Alex, I could hear the concern in his voice, or was it pity? I didn’t want it to be pity. If it was pity that meant I lost him for good. There’s a fine line between concern and pity and it was difficult to tell whether he’d crossed it or not. Why don’t you help too? Pity. No, I answered, you go ahead and help her on your own. She never asked me for my help. It’ll just give me some extra time to make sure all of my homework is done. As I walked away I felt his eyes on me and I couldn’t stand it.
I avoided Noah from that moment on. Well, that is I avoided him until I couldn’t anymore. I didn’t have much self-control when it came to Noah. He wasn’t my only friend, but he was my closest. I don’t know if I couldn’t or wouldn’t understand my feelings for him at that point, but I can only credit one person with helping realize what they were and that person is Kevin. He is sort of my best friend too. I knew him before I knew Noah. I went to him for advice, but I didn’t tell him that’s what I went to visit him for, though. I told him that I was going over to his house because it had been awhile since we’d seen each other and I wanted to hang out. It was true enough.
Kevin’s mother greeted me with a hug and then let me inside the house. His house was big and cold because of all of the marble. I walked upstairs and to Kevin’s room. I knocked on the door and walked in. He was sitting at his desk, typing something on his laptop.
“Hey Kid,” he said with a smile when he turned around and saw me.
“We’re the same age,” I said as he hugged me. “Why do you insist on calling me kid?”
“I don’t know. It just seems to fit you.”
I threw myself onto his bed as I often did when I had a problem that I needed to talk to him about. I think that was his clue that I wasn’t there just to visit.
“Okay, what’s up? Spill it.”
With my face pressed down against his bed, I couldn’t see anything, but I could feel him sit next to me. He seemed really close to me. I turned over and he sat right next to my head, which was at the foot of his bed. I sat up.
“It’s Noah.”
“Okay.”
“Well, he just met this girl.”
“Ahh”
“He’s been spending a lot of time with her and it irks me and I don’t know why. I’ve never been like this before. I’m sure I don’t actually hate her. I don’t even know her, but I feel like I hate her. Every time I see her I feel like shanking her eyes out. I don’t get it.”
“He’s your best friend.”
“You’re my best friend.”
“Well, at school, he’s your best friend. It’s understandable to not want to lose that.”
“But I just don’t get what Noah getting a girlfriend has to do with me losing my friendship. It doesn’t having anything to do with my friendship, right?”
“Alex, do you really not get what you’re feeling?”
“No Kevin I just like saying I don’t to get attention from someone who’ll give me the attention anyway.”
He smirked. “Alex, you love him.”
It wasn’t a shock really. Even though I had no idea consciously, I knew sub-consciously that it had to be something close to that. So, when Kevin actually said it out loud, it was more
enlightenment than shock. I didn’t really know what to say other than to deny it.
“Why would…I don’t…What?”
“Alex, please, this is me you’re talking to.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“You have to know this about yourself by now. I’ve known for years.”
“Know what?”
“I can’t say it. You have to say it, Alex.”
I couldn’t say it. Not then. But it was all slowly starting to come together. I couldn’t handle it, so I ran out of the room. Kevin ran after me, calling my name, but I couldn’t stay there. I felt exposed and I didn’t like that. I ran to the nearest park and I fell onto the grass. I closed my eyes. When I opened them, I wasn’t in the park anymore. I looked up and saw a clear blue sky through naked tree branches. I sat up. Leaves fell slowly in the breeze all around me like millions of little butterflies fluttering through the air.
Whenever I’m here, I always know it’s a dream, but it feels so real to me. I can describe to you how this place smells and tastes and looks and feels, but I can’t tell you where it is. Is it someplace my mind made up for me? I’m here a lot. I think I should know this by now. I’ve been coming here since I was a little boy.

A L E X

A L E X

A L E X

A L E X

W A K E U P

W A K E U P

This voice shook this entire world I was in. I looked over at the lake. Incredible waves were forming maybe four stories high. I got up to make a run for it, but before I could even get any ground covered, the wave swallowed me. In an instant……I was back at the park. Kevin was hovering over me.
“Are you okay? You wouldn’t wake up.”
“Yeah, I’m fine. That happens all the time.”
“It does? Since when?”
“Kevin, I’m okay,” I said pushing myself up from the grass.
I sat up and he sat next to me. We both watched as three empty swings gently swayed in the breeze.
“I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“You didn’t upset me.”
“But you ran out so fast.”
“I know; I just felt exposed and needed to be alone for a little bit.”
“Well, I didn’t mean to push you like that. You’re obviously not ready.”
I smiled at him. “I’ve been ready since the fifth grade.”