Always

I sighed wearily as Sandra Bullock kissed Ryan Reynolds and the office started cheering them. Why were happy endings limited to movies? Was it that impossible for normal people to find true love like that?

“What?” Blake asks from beside me and I turn to him.

“I’m going to be alone forever,” I say and Blake rolls his eyes.

“Don’t be stupid, Aaron,” he says, turning his attention back to the television even though the credits have started rolling.

“It’s not stupid!” I say, sitting up from my slumped position on the sofa. Blake had come over several hours earlier because we were both bored, so we’d just stuck a film on. “When would I ever meet someone?” I ask. “All I do is work and come home. And working at the magazine is great, but that majority of staff are women. And the few men there are, are straight. And I don’t exactly want to meet a guy when I’m drunk in a club. So what else am I meant to do?”

“You should look at what’s right in front of you,” Blake says, his voice shaking slightly and I frown and look at him, waiting for him to explain what he means. But he doesn’t say anything and my eyes widen.

“You?” I ask in disbelief and he flushes.

“You don’t have to sound so appalled at the idea,” he says and I quickly shake my head.

“I’m not appalled,” I say, “just…shocked, I guess. You’re my best friend, you’re like a brother to me. I’ve never really thought of you being anything…more.” Blake looks up at me anxiously and bites his lip.

“Could you?” he whispers and I frown. Could I? Could I just flick a switch and develop feelings for Blake? Sure, he was good looking and I loved hanging out with him. But the thought of kissing him…didn’t really work. It was like thinking about kissing a sibling.

“I don’t know,” I say instead of just dismissing him completely. I know that whatever I say next will determine the rest of our friendship, so I couldn’t very well reject him outright. “I’ve never looked at you that way.”

“I’ve looked at you that way for years,” he says, surprising me once again. How had I never realised that Blake thought of me like that? He hid it so well!

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I ask quietly, still trying to wrap my head around this whole thing. Blake, my best, best friend, had more than friendly feelings for me. How was I supposed to deal with that?

“Because I knew you didn’t feel the same for me,” he says. “So I kept my mouth shut. I mean, I needed you in my life, so being friends was better than nothing.”

“So what’s changed?” I ask, ignoring the jump my heart had done when he said he needed me. “Why are you telling me now?

“I need more,” he says. “And I figured…it’s time to take the chance.” And suddenly, before I know what’s happening, he closes the gap between us and places his lips on mine. I don’t know what to do, but I don’t kiss back. After a second of waiting for me to respond, Blake eventually pulls back. “So?”

“I…” I start, but I don’t know what to say. “It’s weird,” I say quietly. “You’re like a brother to me…it’s like me kissing Sarah.” Though, the thought of kissing my sister seemed a hell of a lot more disgusting than kissing Blake again.

“Okay,” Blake nods. “I’m gonna head home.” He stands quickly and grabs his shoes.

“Wait,” I say quickly, jumping up from the sofa. He turns to me with a gentle frown and I hated myself for being the one that put that there. “Um, are we gonna be okay?” I ask and Blake smiles softly.

“Yeah,” he says. “I just need some time.” And then was gone. And all I could think was; where’s my hug? He always hugs me goodbye. Always. And I loved it. And I missed it.

--

I don’t see or even hear from Blake for 2 weeks. That’s 13 days more than we’ve ever gone without talking. Even when we went on holiday in the past, we’d text each other despite the cost of international texts. And I miss him so much. I understand though. He has to create some distance and try to move on. Sometimes, though, the thought of him not needing me anymore terrified me. So much so that I had to put the television on or do some work or just anything to stop thinking about him. But I quickly came to find that nothing could stop me thinking about that kiss. About how weird it felt, how wrong, but how much I wanted to see what it would feel like to try it again. I quickly shake off those thoughts, because it was Blake. He is my best friend, the one who’s always been there for me, but he isn't someone who I was in love with. I would know by now if he was…wouldn’t I?

And then finally, I get a call from him. I can’t answer my phone quick enough. “Blake,” I say immediately, grinning at the fact that he’d called me.

“Hey, Aaron,” he says softly and I wonder whether he regrets phoning me.

“How are you?” I ask, just desperate to keep him on the phone.

“I’m good,” he says and I smile.

“Good,” I smile. “Um, I just got After Earth on DVD. Do you wanna have a movie night?”

“Oh, um, yeah I can’t tonight,” he says and my smile falls. “I’m kinda seeing someone.” And it feels like all the breath leaves my body.

“Oh,” I say, choking on that small word.

“Yeah,” he says quietly. “So, um, another time?”

“Yeah,” I say. “Thanks for calling, though. I missed you.”

“I’ve got to go, Aaron,” Blake says after a pause. “I’ll call you.”

“Yeah,” I say again and the call ends. I slowly lower my phone from my ear and stare at the screen. The background image is one of me and Blake when we went to Harry Potter Studios the summer before. We always did stuff like that together. He was and is my best friend. And now he has a boyfriend. What am I meant to do with that? Am I meant to be happy for him? Because I’m just not. I can pretend, sure, but I’m not happy. Blake is mine. He’s my best friend, why should I have to share him with some random guy he’s just started dating? We’d been friends since we were 11, we’d even come out together. Blake had always been there for me, but what if he isn't anymore?

I continue to feel more and more alone, more and more forgotten, over the next month or so. Blake is always with his new boyfriend. I don’t even know the guy’s name, I don’t care enough to ask. I don’t want Blake to think I’m interested in hearing about him. Because I’m really, really not. I just want to pretend like Blake’s mine again, like he always used to be.

Blake and I properly hang out again about a month after he told me he had a boyfriend. It was the longest time we’d ever gone without seeing each other. And it is super awkward. We don’t know how to be around each other any more. I mean, we used to cuddle on the sofa when watching movies, but we obviously can’t do that anymore. We used to hug and be touchy-feely but not anymore. Blake had phoned that day asking if he could come over and watch a movie. I’m not sure why he phoned, because he hadn’t been bothered about hanging out since he told me he liked me, but I’m not going to complain. If I have my best friend back, then that’s all that matters.

At the end of the film, Blake stands up ready to leave and I frown. “You going already?” I ask and Blake shrugs.

“Yeah I guess so,” he says and I lower my head and scowl at the floor.

“I guess you need to go meet your boyfriend,” I say bitterly.

“What is your problem?” Blake asks suddenly, his tone surprising me. I stand up to face him, meeting his irritated glare with my own.

“I don’t have a problem!” I say. “I just think you’re spending an awful lot of your time with this guy.”

“So?” he asks, shoving his hands in his jacket pockets.

“I just don’t like it,” I say and Blake rolls his eyes.

“Great, so you don’t want me to be with anyone else, you don’t want me to be with you; what do you want?” he asks, throwing his hands in the air and turning to look out the window. “Do you want me to be alone forever?”

“No, of course not!” I say, moving to stand next to him.

“Well what then?” he asks, turning to me.

“You’ve never had a boyfriend before,” I say, my voice suddenly small.

“Yeah,” he says bitterly, “that’s because I was foolishly pining after you.” I lower my gaze and take a deep breath.

“There’s never been anyone for me to be jealous of before,” I whisper. “There’s never been anyone more important to you than me. And I don’t like it. We’ve always had a…coupley type relationship…just without the labels and the kissing and stuff. It was only after you took it away that I realised how much I loved it. How much I loved you. But it’s not just love, you know? Not in the way that someone loves a friend or a sibling. I am in love with you, Blake. In the way that someone loves a person who they want to spend the rest of their life with.”

Once I finish, I am terrified to lift my gaze from the floor. I can hear Blake breathing beside me but that’s it. Oh God, how long is he going to take to say something? I can hardly stand it. I just want to run away and hide in my bedroom.

“Is the thought of kissing me like kissing Sarah?” he asks eventually and I glance up at him. His eyes are shiny but I’m not going to get my hopes up.

“No,” I whisper and then his lips are on mine. And unlike last time, I kiss back with gusto. I wrap my arms around his shoulders, holding myself as close as possible to him, needing to feel every last inch of him. His hands rest on my hips and squeeze every now and then, pulling me against him even closer. His tongue darts out and strokes me lower lip and I whimper before parting my lips for him, allowing him to deepen the kiss that was just better than anything I’d ever experienced.

Eventually, we pull apart but we don’t move away. I rest my forehead against his and I grin. “Wow,” I whisper and Blake laughs, wrapping his arms around me tightly and hugging me close. I smile and bury my face in his shoulder, my eyes slipping closed as I sigh with content. “Wait,” I say, quickly pulling back. “What about your boyfriend?” Blake smiles and shakes his head.
“We went on one date a month ago,” he says. “I couldn’t…he wasn’t you.” I smile at him and kiss him once more. “I love you, Aaron. I always have.”
“I love you,” I whisper. “Always will.”