La Fenice

When you live in a place like Maine you learn to accept, and even expect, t-shirts like “Cool story, babe. Now go make me a sandwich.” And yet, for some inconceivable reason this blizzardy morning, Scout could be found trudging to the bus stop down from the apartment complex xe lived in with xyr mother.

“Yeah, we goin’ up north pretty soon. My cousin and I are gonna take up the Yammie’s up to Rangely.” Scout couldn’t have cared any less about xyr fellow bus-taker’s conversation, it was their shirts that really ruined Scout’s morning. As if the snow and soaked sneakers weren’t enough, Scout now had to encounter the same person that had belittled xem for xyr inability to lift weights in grade six- as if physical strength were a measure of human value.

Scout kept xyr head down and hands holding tightly to xyr backpack straps. The wind flew white flakes through Scouts short burgundy hair. The black roots were devastatingly contrast but Scout liked it. Scout rid xemself of the natural brunette hairstyle the second xe could afford to. “Scout what turned you into such a f**?” Turning xyr head hir saw the yellow-y smile of xyr pupil, if you could even call him that.

Choosing not to respond to the comment, Scout turned to face forwards again. The road in front of xem was gritty from the salt and sand poured over the ice. In Scouts opinion this was by far the worst time of winter. “Come on Scoutie, riddle me this…” Just as xyr bus stop ‘friend’ was about to peg xem with another homophobic question and quite possibly a transphobic slur, the grimey yellow school bus bounded up to the corner on which the three people stood. “Oh, that was a close one Scout; saved by the bus.”

“Don’t be such a f*****, Wilson.” Grimacing, Scout ignored the middle schoolers. At this point they didn’t even realize the things they were saying were damaging. Scout was aware that if everybody just rolled their eyes and walked on they would never learn, but simultaneously Scout didn’t have the energy to try and explain to them what that word really means. What twelve-year old understands that a word is more than just a word?

The adventure adults love to call school begins at the bus stop, but continues on throughout the day. Not only was Scout misgendered continuously throughout the day, but xe was also called into the principals office for “going into the wrong bathroom”.
“Scout, I don’t know why you insist on always doing this. It makes people wicked uncomfortable.” Scout wanted to be angry, and xe wanted to yell at the principal and inform everyone that it made xem very uncomfortable to have to act like someone xe wasn’t. “Scout, you can’t keep doing this.” The principal insisted, sitting forward in the chair. “Are you hearing me?”

Scout sunk deeper into the uncomfortable brown leather chair that sat adjacent to the principal’s desk. There were patches on the chair where the leather had worn and cracked away. The principal’s desk was some kind of dark stained wood and on it sat multiple wooden carved knick knacks resembling children. They were all smiling widely with their white painted teeth. There wasn’t any diversity; they were all white, little girls and boys with blue eyes and blonde hair. “May I go now?” Reluctantly, the principal nodded. “Thank you.” Scout murmured and pushed xemself out of the leather chair using the arms of it.

The rest of Scouts day was just as unpleasant as its beginning. After the principal’s office Scout had to choose between either spending what would feel like an eternity in the opposite bathroom or not use the bathroom all day. Scout felt like the elephant in the room in every class and on top of that lunch was practically unbearable.

Lunch had never been a good time for Scout. The table xe sat at had few people at it, including Scout. The people xe sat with weren’t people or friends to be proud of. The entertainment of their conversations were almost always based on the misfortune of others. Scout never approved of that but never found the voice to oppose it.

The circular tables gave people the illusion of community. They sat side-by-side around the cafeteria, and anyone could turn and smile (or sneer) at the person seated at the other table. The patterns laid across the tables made Scout uncomfortable, almost more uncomfortable than the people near hir invading xyr ribcage with their elbows. The bright strides of green and purple didn’t go together. They didn’t even comfortably contrast. There wasn’t any kind of consideration or compassion in the lunchroom, even in the table patterns.

“Scout went into the wrong bathroom again today, didn’t you Scoutie?” One of Scouts tablemates joked, lightly punching xem in the arm. “What did Principal snore say?” Scout sighed and looked down. Xe didn’t like how they mocked their principal like that. The principal’s voice was known for being boring and putting many people to sleep during assemblies.

“Not to do it again.” Scout muttered, picking up a forkful of the shepherd's pie xyr mother made. Xyr friends rolled their eyes and turned back to the torturing of the calzone on their plates. Scout wasn’t sure if it really was supposed to be a calzone or if the cafeteria staff just wrote calzone above it the servings and put cardboard and cheese on the plate.

Scout didn’t talk to many people during the day, the only exception was xyrs lab partner, Kit. Kit was a very sweet and intelligent person. Kit had been homeschooled for years before coming to high school. Kit wasn’t as closed-minded as most high school students could be and were known to be. Turning to look at Scout, Kit tapped a pencil between two fingers and tried to figure out what to say to Scout before saying it.

“I heard there’s a new kid that’s a lot like you.” Scout turned to Kit and raised xyr eyebrows, not quite understanding.

“What do you mean, like me?” Scout asked, quickly glancing at the teacher and then back to Kit, whose face was contorted with confusion. Kit was obviously unaware of how to phrase the things people had been murmuring about.

“Yeah, you know.” Kit squeaked out. Scout chuckled lowly and shook xyr head. “I just don’t want to offend you, if I say it wrong.” Kit was always very conscience of other peoples’ feelings and reactions, and Scout admired that quality. “I guess they’re just different, like you. That was rude, I’m sorry Scout.” Kit frowned and turned to look at the worksheet on their desk. Scout smiled and leaned forward, trying to find a way into Kit’s line of sight.

“I’m not offended, Kit. What’s their name, do you know?” A smile quickly found a way onto Kit’s face, and into Kit’s eyes.

“I’m think their name is Phoenix.” Kit said and turned forward again. Their teacher had stopped talking and was glaring them down, simultaneously asking them what they were doing talking out of turn and telling them to shut up, with only eyes as communicators. Both Kit and Scout closed their mouths and returned complete attention to the study of DNA.

By the time Scout made it home it was nearing three. Xyr school ended around 2:30 but xe was one of the last drop offs. Scouts mother was home when xe got there, xe could see from the end of their road that her car was parked in her usual space in the lot. Scout found that the grey apartment they lived in often matched the grey winter sky. Scout nearly panicked at the door, unsure of where xyrs keys could be. Xyr hands maneuvered their way down xyr pants, searching the pockets with open palms. Scout found them in a farther down pocket that the top two, xyrs pants were khaki cargo pants. They were comfortably loose and had never made Scout feel pressure to be anything in, and they never asked anything of xem.

Once Scout had gotten the key in the door xyrs hands were numb at the tips and xe struggled to turn the slick silver doorknob. Scout mother was rushing around in their kitchen when xe finally made it through the front door. She was switching between washing a couple dishes and putting them away. “Scout, can you please help me here? I’ve got shepherd's pie in the oven staying warm and I’m trying to get all of this done and I’m just freaking out.” Scout swallowed the lump sticking to xyr’s throat.

Whenever Scout’s mother was stressed it made Scout’s stomach turn in knots and the hair on the back of xyrs neck stand up. Xe dropped xyr backpack in one the dark wooden chairs that sat around the matching dark wooden table. On the table sat white porcelain salt and pepper shakers, and a vase filled with fake flowers.

Scout’s mother wasn’t very old, considering her 17-year old child. She was nearing 38 and her skin was starting to pinch near her eyes. Age was beginning to take hold of her, but the gray in her hair didn’t bother Scout. It was the way she had stopped being herself. She no longer swam and rarely visited the library. The worst part was Scout knew (as all teenagers must) that it was all xyrs fault. The only reason she no longer did things for herself was because she felt she always needed to be taking care of and looking out for Scout.

Scout stood next to xrys mom, waiting for her to pass a pot or plate to the side. As she set a dish down, Scout picked it back up. The dishcloth that was tangled between Scouts fingers had become saturated with water by the time the dishes were finished. Together, it only took them 5 or 6 more minutes to do the stack of plates and coffee cups that they had bought four months prior at the local goodwill. “Why are you so stressed out?” Scout asked quietly.

“We have to meet Pepe later at the Elks lodge- or whatever it’s called. And you know your Aunt decided she needed to rent out a place for a family gathering that we could do at Pepe’s house, but no we have to go all out for this. It’s not like their gonna bully you and I, and we’re gonna end up leaving early and offended.” Scout nodded slowly. “You know how I get around my family, it’s not very fun.” Scout’s mother admitted humbly.

“I’m sorry, that’s my fault.” Scout breathed. Xe always felt it was xem who created a ravine within the family. Whenever Scout and xyrs mom went to a family gathering of any sort they would always be mocked and end up leaving early. Scout’s uncles would mumble crude jokes and the aunts would hit their husbands but chuckle softly, trying to hide it from their sister. Scouts mother would always stand up for her child, and her defense would brew a fight. And that is exactly what happened that night.

Scout’s mom and xem arrived at the Elks lodge around 4:30, but according to Scout’s aunt they needed to arrive at four. That was the first straw for Scout’s mother. Later in the night Scout’s family said a prayer or their meals. And who needed God’s help more than Scout and Scouts mother?

It was when Scout’s uncle Rob asked Scout about playing sports that she really lost self control. Scout was obviously uncomfortable, considering the fact that three or four cousins seated to the left of Scout were muttering comments like, “are you even allowed to play on a team?” and “who do you play with, girls or boys?”

“None of you have any resemblance of respect.” Scout’s mother declared as she gripped Scout’s arm and pulled xem up from the brown oak table. She stormed over to the small, dismal closet holding their coats and swiftly ripped two off their hangers. “Put it on Scout, we’re going home.”

“Oh come on, don’t be so dramatic. Are we not allowed to have fun? Why does her affliction have to deprive us of our fun?” Uncle Rob asked with an eerie grin. Scout gripped xyr mothers arm, as she had done to xym minutes before, and tugged her towards the door. “So much for family, huh?”

Gritting their teeth Scout and xyr mother walked out of the building and to their car. “‘So much for family’, he says as if we’re the problem. You’re not the problem Scout, you know that right?” Scout knew, though it was difficult to trust that the quiver in her voice wasn’t a lie.

That same quiver kept Scout painfully awake for the majority of that night. Realizations often come in times of quiet sorrow and with darting eyes Scout noticed things that were once unseen. Scouts room lacked the appeal it used to have, it went from being a bedroom to being a room with a bed. Once loud and colorful walls now stood in white silence. Things that once gave Scout power now bound him tightly to the ground; even art felt limited. Scout's numb fingers couldn't feel where the pencil should drift next.

The next week passed solemnly. Scout’s mother watched the phone, waiting for an apology from her family, and Scout watched her blink disappointingly at her cell phone at least seven times an hour. It took a week for Scout to make the choice to approach the ever unapproachable Phoenix. Those green eyes digging at Scout every time they walked by each other in the halls, and what Kit had said many days earlier still managed to nag at Scout and bite at xyrs heels when Phoenix was near.

“Hello,” Phoenix said, grinning a wide smile as Scout stood two lockers away, slowly building courage. Phoenix’s teeth weren’t exactly white, but it didn’t stop the smile from forming. “You’re in my homeroom aren’t you?” With wide eyes Scout quickly nodded, looking slightly downward at Phoenix. Scout stood maybe an inch and a half above “Well, my name’s Phoenix,” paused waiting for Scout’s response, Phoenix stood in front of xem with a curious expression. Dry silence hung for nearly a second, when Scout realized xyrs near catastrophic mistake.

“My name’s Scout,” Nervously fumbling with xyrs backpack, Scout managed to spit out an appropriate response. “I was wondering how you were doing?” Phoenix furrowed xyrs brow but smiled still. “I know this school can take a toll on a person.”

“Well, I’m quite enjoying myself here. Thank you for asking.” Phoenix smiled again, and shifted the weight of xyr backpack. “I’d like to talk more, but I have to get to class. It was great meeting you.” And with that as a goodbye, Phoenix hooked arms with a friend and walked down the hall.

As Scout walked down the hall and to xyrs next class the gray walls seemed more beige and the emptiness of xyrs fingertips lost their influence. Seeing Phoenix walk so comfortably was perplexing to Scout. What Scout had once seen as a burden began to fade into a gift. Realizing slowly that xe could be just as free as Phoenix. Suddenly the chains on xyrs feet turned to ankle weights and Scout’s skin wasn’t unbearably uncomfortable. For the first time in years Scout felt like Scout.