She Was Here

Mad wasn't a word in my mom's vocabulary anymore. In fact, I'm pretty sure no words could describe her anger towards me. We hadn't talked since I got home from the hospital.
In fact, she told me to stay at Bonnie's until I was told to go home. And no drinking was allowed, my mom told Bonnie to hold me down if she had to.
I was sitting in Bonnie's room, watching her smoke a bowl.
We were watching Prison Break and the air was hazy. She hadn't mentioned Ashlee all night and I was so grateful.
Michael was planning to get his brother Lincoln out of jail, when Bonnie laughed, "If I was in jail, would you spend your entire life getting a tattoo of the prison and throw your life away to save my ass and break me out?"
My arm was throbbing under my cast, and the pain medicine was starting to wear off. I grabbed the pill bottle and took a swig of gatorade, and it went down smooth and easy. I wished it went down hard and sharp.
"Of course," I said. "I would spend my entire life dedicated to you and your beautiful self. I would throw my life away to save you."
She nodded, "I'd do the same for you, man."
"Because I would definitely throw my life away in the first place and try to kill someone, to make you in the situation to save me." I laughed.
She passed me the bowl. "Well maybe you would. You could turn psycho at some point."
I shook her off, "Because I plan on turning psycho, loser."
"It's not something you plan, and you can't control it. It just happens to some people."
I stared into the TV and wondered if Lincoln planned to get himself fucked over and ruin his life, or if it just happened on accident without him knowing.
It made my stomach queasy, and uneven.

Ellie and Anthony came over to Bonnie's one day after school because I didn't go. I hadn't been since Ashlee broke my arm. My phone had been turned off by my parents and I wasn't about to go to school and face her.
"Well I heard you broke you wrist but I thought they were lying so nobody knew you got alcohol poisoning!" Elli exclaimed, claiming the seat next to me and pulled out a sharpie. "This baby is going to have a lot of love from me!"
Anthony smirked and took a seat next to Bonnie, "Lovely place you have here, makes me feel welcomed." Anthony was too nice sometimes.
"I live on a porch, dude. It's a shit hole, but thanks for the love." Bonnie laughed.
Ellie finished signing my cast and smiled. "So, where's that girl? I was half expecting her to be laying in Bonnie's bed when we walked in."
"Speaking of which, you owe me five bucks!" Anthony said, holding out a firm hand.
Bonnie shook her head and laughed. "She isn't welcomed here."
"Thank God, I'm completely fed up with her. All she does is sit at our table and laugh so freaking loud--"
"--makes me want to rip her throat out!" Anthony finished.
I tried not to show my jaw clenching, and the alcohol called my name. My throat was dry.
"Such…such a bitch." I tried, faking a laugh.
"Like seriously what is her problem! She was asking if we would give you a letter and I was like 'honey, Lance is a free woman' and then Ellie here decided to take it and--"
"--here it is! She wants you to read it immediately!" Ellie smiled, handing me a thick envelope.
Anthony and Bonnie shared a look. "I didn't want her to give it to Lance; I didn't even want her to take it!"
Bonnie eyed me.
I took the envelope and felt the edges, running my hand over the purple ink that had my name etched onto the front.
I swallowed hard. I was three days sober and I wasn't about to quit now. The longest I'd been without alcohol in a year.
I put the letter aside and focused on the goodness of my friends, the smiles, and the laughter.
But she was always in my mind.
I read the letter later. She was apologizing for everything, telling me how much she loved me and how much I meant to her and it was a reaction of self defense because she was scared that I was going to hit her when I pulled away.
I was terrified. I decided that it didn't matter, I had to see her. I could've reacted better to the situation and I needed to see her. I wasn't about to lose her because I was violent. That's the last thing I needed.

I went to school on Friday and successfully avoided Ashlee all day. That is, until she found me.
By finding, I mean walked straight into my class and sat at the table next to me.
"Where have you BEEN?" she asked me, touching my cast.
I focused on my math problem. I'd been sober for just over five days and it was really starting to bother me. It was so hard to not drink. It was driving me insane.
"Not in school," I said, sighing. "I've been in a lot of pain."
She slid her hand up my cast, "I'm so sorry. Are you okay? Is there anything I can do?"
I turned in my seat suddenly and she looking like she winced.
I looked around to make sure no one was looking, and I leaned in, touching her hand.
"Are you afraid I'm going to hurt you?" I asked her.
She bit her lip, looking at the ground.
"Tell me," I said.
She nodded slightly.
I was shocked. When was I violent with her?
"If I remember correctly, you're the one that got violent." I said, my voice really low.
Her eyes filled with tears, "It was defensive. I was afraid you were going to hit me, so I twisted my arm. I was scared."
I nodded and decided to screw my math work, clearly I needed to convince her.
"I'm not like your other relationships, babe. I need you." I told her.
She said nothing.
"I would never lay a hand on you."
She looked up, and I caressed her face with my good hand.
"You promise?" She asked.
I nodded, rubbing her cheek with my thumb. "I promise you. I love you. I don't want anything to happen to you."
She smiled so brightly my insides flipped and she kissed me.
"I won't hurt you, either. I promise."
But her eyes looked far away, and darker than before.