Wake Up

It has been exactly one year since the death of Mitch Lucker. He was my inspiration, the reason I make music. More than anything he was my friend. It was a tragedy when we lost him. Since it's the one year anniversary, I was going to pay my respects to my old friend Jolie Lucker and her daughter, Kenadee.

***

I arrived at the Lucker household bearing flowers for Jolie. It'd been a little over a year since we had spoken and since the death of Mitch. I knew I should have been there for her when Mitch died, but I couldn't bring myself around them. It hurt too much. I knocked on their painted front door, holding the flowers in one hand, the other rested in my pants pocket. Jolie opened the door with a big smile on her face, putting her dazzling smile on display.

"Hey Jolie." I greeted.

"Austin!" She squeeled, sounding surprised and delighted to see me. "It's great to see you again."

"You too Jolie." I replied.

"What have you been up to?" She asked.

"Touring a lot this past year," I began as she invited me inside. "It's been great."

"I'm glad." She smiled.

I handed the bunch of beautiful flowers to her which she graciously accepted as she led me through a large hallway, lined with photos of Kenadee and Mitch, to their lovely kitchen.

"How've you been?" I asked carefully as I leaned against the black marble counter. We both new I was referring to how she's been handling her husband's death.

"It's been really hard. I miss him so much. Kenadee still doesn't really understand." She said barely above a whisper.

I offered a sad smile and Jolie turned to put the bunch of flowers in a vase. When she turned back towards me, her eyes were to the brim with tears. I opened my arms and she ran into them, embracing me tightly.

" I miss him so much." She cried into my chest (Since I was significantly taller than her) as I mumbled sweet nothings into her ear, trying to soothe her. As she wept we didn't hear little Kenadee waddle into the kitchen.

"Daddy?" Her little 4 year old voice called out.

I looked towards her, smiling, so she would recognize me and know that I was, in fact, not her father. That I was only Austin.

"Daddy!" She screamed with an ear to ear grin on her face. At this point Jolie had let go of me and Kenadee had run up to me. She hugged my leg tightly as if she never wanted to let go.

Jolie buried her face in her hands and began to sob.

I knelt down to Kenadee's level. I needed to explain to her that I wasn't her father, it might break her heart, but I am nowhere near her father and she needs to know that.

"Kenadee--" I began, but she cut me off.

"Daddy! It's been so long. I missed you so much. Don't ever leave again." She wrapped her tiny arms around my neck.

"Kenadee--" I tried but she cut me off once again.

"Where were you daddy? Did you have fun where you were?"

I didn't respond. I looked up at Jolie, who was now just a sobbing mess. I couldn't tell Kenadee that I wasn't her dad. That would break her heart. But I couldn't just pretend to be her dad. I had no idea what to do.

"Kenadee, I missed you." I tell her deciding to not tell her that I wasn't her father.

"I missed you too daddy." She said grinning. I've never seen a child so happy as she was at that very moment.

"I have so much to tell you! I'm going to school next year!" She exclaimed. "And I keep asking mommy for a puppy but she always says no. And I cut my hair too, see?" She showed off her chin length blonde hair.

"Kenadee ..." I began to say but trailed off.

"What?" Her eyes were big and full of excitement.

"I can't stay for long, okay?" I told her, my own eyes stinging. My heart felt heavy.

"But why? You just came back." Her big smile fell.

"I just had to say good-bye to my little princess before I leave again." The tears flowed freely from my eyes. Her lip quivered and tears began to fall from her eyes as well.

"Daddy, don't go." She begged as she wrapped her arms around my neck and buried her face in my shoulder. "You just came home."

"I have to, Kenadee. I'm sorry princess." I couldn't do this anymore. This wasn't helping anyone in this room. It was making Jolie cry harder, making me emotionally unstable and killing the hopes of Kenadee's dad ever coming home. I had to go.

"Daddy!" Kenadee cried as I stood up.

I didn't even look at Jolie as I went to leave. She was a sobbing mess and I was a soon to be sobbing mess. I walked out of the kitchen and made my way to the door, with great difficulty. Kenadee was grabbing on to my leg, my sleeve, anywhere she could get ahold of really. She dug her heals into the carpet so I had to practically drag her down the hallway.

I put my hand on the door knob and sighed heavily.I turned back around to face her and I picked her up. She clung to be desperately.

"Kenadee, you be a good girl, okay?" My voice was shaky.

"Okay, daddy." I set her down and opened up the front door.

She wailed at me to stay, but I couldn't look at her sweet little face ridden with desperation. I walked away from the Lucker house, tears streaming down my face. I got in my car, and started the engine, driving away from that place as fast as I could. I could never go back there. I could never face Kenadee or Jolie again. I couldn't. I wouldn't.