Just for a Moment

I have been avoiding Ally, as guilty as that makes me feel I couldn’t handle thinking about her hating Kellin so much. On top of hearing her fake playful banter and seeing her empty smiles, it’s just too much for me right now. She wears her sleeves long and is always tugging on the ends of them, as if she wants them to cover her even more. Every tug reminds me that she has a scar to hide now. Plus every time I see her and Vic chatting it up I wonder if they are discussing how awful they think Kellin is. The thought alone keeps squeezing at my chest making it hard for me to breath. I could even feel the strain the knowledge of Ally’s hatred puts on my marriage. I know it was my fault I shouldn’t let it be getting to me but I just can’t seem to help myself. It’s like that text Vic sent is branded behind my eyelids and every time I blink it flashes in my mind.

‘…you kinda hate Kellin even more because he stole your sister away. . .’

I shake my head; I have other things to think about. Like the winter play, project and midterms. I can’t let myself get carried away by that text again. I could really use a break; I guess I should be glad that tonight is the Wonderland dance, Roxy had been planning for months. I should be excited, since I have a built in date, who I know as my husband, but I am not. I know that I’m not ready to see Vic after all the dreams I have been having about him these past few weeks. For some reason he just keeps creeping into my mind. I know it because of that thought at the hospital, that being with him would somehow turn back time and keep Ally well. Such a foolish thought and all because I just wish I could have somehow stopped my sister from trying to kill herself. I can still smell the bleach from scrubbing her blood off the floor. I can still see her curled up into herself eyes glazed over, barely breathing. I wish I could undo Ally’s decision. I wish everyone would stop acting like it never happened because I feel like I have no one to talk to about it.

I flip over in the bed and watch Kellin as he sleeps; I run my fingers gently over his cheek. I know I love Kellin more than anyone but I can’t help but feel that a part me is irrationally blaming this on him. I kiss him softly and lay my head on his chest. I wonder if Ally has any idea what her choice has done to the people around her. Even her beloved Jack walks on eggshells around her, she is just in such a fragile place. I wonder if she will be at the dance tonight. I reach for my phone to text her but I hesitate. I haven’t really spoken to her much. She thinks it’s because I can’t get past her trying to kill herself and I won’t correct that idea either. I just don’t want her to know that it’s because of what Vic said. I bite down on my lower lip and groan to myself. I miss my sister but right now a part of my just doesn’t want anything to do with her.

Kellin stirs and I feel him start to stroke my hair. Guilt swarms over me when echoes of last night’s dream dances in my head. I bury my face deeper into his chest breathing the scent of his skin in. He smells like faint soap and cologne, I sigh and bite him out of the anger I feel inside. He laughs and flicks the back of my neck.

“Relax baby, I just woke up,” he yawns and stretches his body. "No need to be mad at me yet."

I look up at him, “We have tests today. We should be rushing, but I just want to stay in bed.”

He pulls me up so he can kiss me, “I know but we have to work hard so we can dance the night away in Wonderland tonight.”

My stomach clenches and I just nod in agreement. I push the sheets off of us and shiver slightly against the cool air. I sit up and yawn, its 7:30, I would usually be up and ready by now. I rush though the morning usual not allowing husband to throw me off track. After I am in uniform, I smile and kiss Kellin’s shoulder blade as he slides on his white button down. I pull him out of the room when he is ready, he barley manages to grab our bags as we race towards Menus with five minutes until breakfast starts. The last two weeks have been like this. I struggle to get out of bed because I know I will see Ally and Vic at breakfast and I really don’t want too. I slow down when I spot Ally and Jack hand in hand walking into Menus with Vic trailing right behind them. I squeeze Kellin’s hand and we stop letting them walk in first. I look at him and I know he gets everything I am not saying, that only makes me feel worse.

“I love you.” I kiss him on his lips and rest my forehead against his.

“I love you too babe. I know that you are going through a hard time but just remember, I am here for you. I always will be.” He stares at me; his eyes are filled with sincerity that only makes my heart swell more with love and guilt.

We walk hand in hand into Menus and sit on the corner of the table with Mike, Tony, Emily and Roxy separating me from Ally. I see her give me a sad side glance and I pull the menu up to block my face. I order a chocolate chip muffin with a hot chocolate extra whip cream. The waiter winks at me and then zips off to get the others’ order. Kellin glares in his direction before looking at me coolly with a sexy grin on his face.

“I can see why everyone wants my wife. I mean you are the most beautiful woman in this place.” I blush and play with the edge of the table cloth.

The usual morning nonsense commences and Kellin leaves fifteen minutes early to finish his project with Jamie and the new kid Seth. He gives me a big kiss, tugs Roxy’s hair and scrambles off. Roxy pulls in close to me and shows me all the finishing touches she did for the dance. I touch the picture of glowing paint, black lights, and paint ball guns and smile, tonight is going to be amazing. I was happy that Roxy and I had finished our project a week ago because now I had a chance to ask about Brendon. The table had cleared out with people doing last minute studying and projects. Roxy and I don’t have a test until ten so I have plenty of time to get her to spill the beans. Especially since Jonny got his third strike from punching Brendon in the face. I need to know all the details.

“So,” I give her the you-better-tell-me-everything-girl-look, “tell me all about what happened with Brendon and Jonny.”

She gave me the finally look, “Gah, I have been waiting for you to ask Dolcezza. Okay,” she turns to faces me, “so last week Jonny found out that the ring I am wearing is from Brendon. He was pissed, so during class while Brendon was teaching he made a nasty comment about me. Brendon gave him a small nasty smile. He tries to maintain a professional attitude since he does work here and wants to stay working here. Jonny keep going at him, finally he jumps up and heads over to Brendon and punches him straight in the face. In that very moment JT walked into the room. Of course Brendon brushed it off because JT came in just in time. Ugh, I am so glad Jonny is gone. He has been showing at my door begging for me back, threatening Brendon and running around campus with blonde bimbo. I know that he was probably with her when we were together too.” Sadness fills her eyes, “that was my biggest reason for ending things. I was tired of being someone's fool.”

I grab her hand and smile, “His loss Rox, he was the fool. He messed things up. Now you have a real chance at something amazing. I am so happy for you and Brendon. You know that right?”

“Yeah,” she smiles at me.

“Good, so when is the wedding?" I play with the engagement ring on her finger.

“I am not telling you because I wasn't at your wedding,” she sticks her tongue out at me playfully.

I hit her on the arm and giggle, “Yes you were.”

I hear Ally gasp behind me, “What?”

I turn around and open my mouth at say something but she was storming out of Menus before I could even think of the words to say.

“Wait until she finds out Jack was there too,” Roxy mumbled under her breath and I put my face in my hands, it was going to be a long day.