I'm Raw and Invincible

John starred at the bottle of scotch in front of him eyes red and a heavy heart, he poured himself another glass and chugged it within seconds the bitter taste matching his emotions. He’s been drinking nonstop since Joel’s party and he doesn’t plan on stopping anytime soon. As much as he wants to deny being like his dad he knows he’s exactly like him and he hates that because he swore he never would. And yet here he is drinking away his emotions the best he can and ignoring all his responsibilities just like his father. He’s been making excuses and ignoring his own behavior because he can’t face himself. He knows that if he stopped drinking and if he owned up to his shit then he’d have to face the facts that he’s an alcoholic and if he were to really be honest he’d say he has depression as well.

Depression is something he’d always figured he had but like most things in John’s life he never acknowledged it and he thought that if he did ignore it then it would go away. He started feeling sad around the time he started seeing his parents fight, he was around the age of ten and his brothers were five and three so he had to protect them and make sure they didn’t see anything they weren’t supposed to. He took on a parental role and did anything he could to help raise his brothers; bathing him, cooking for them, helping them with their homework, helped keep the nightmares at bay. As the days passed and his dad passed out earlier and earlier and his mom started working two more jobs his sadness was getting worse but he was also getting better at hiding it. The day his father moved out of the house, John hardly even blinked and instead made sure his brothers didn’t see nor hear anything.

Years later when his father died of liver failure John helped his mom and brothers get ready for the funeral and spent the day with his band mates. They were all worried sick about him and told him they could skip practice and do something else but John just said he was fine and went on with practice. Everyone was on John’s case since his father dad asking how he is or how he’s handling it and he says he’s fine. He is. Sometimes John will stay up at night reliving memories of his parents fights, he closes his eyes and he can see his father slapping his mother, he can feel how sad and hopeless he felt in those moments. It’s hard for him to separate his emotions from those days to what he’s feeling now and in a matter of seconds he’s overcome with sadness and he feels like he can’t keep going.

He wishes that if he were to finally sleep he’ll never wake up. He wishes that he doesn’t have to keep walking in on his mother crying into her pillow or his brothers trying to new drugs to drown out their own pain. He wishes he didn’t feel so responsible for his family. He wishes he didn’t have to be the responsible one, he wishes he could just stop hurting. He wishes he could go on tour and have fun, real fun with his band mates. He wishes he could go on stage without needing to be drunk. He wishes he didn’t feel like he had to drink to be okay. He wishes he didn’t have to feel this burden. He wishes he could didn’t have to feel this sad all the time.

John had bigger plans for his life; he was going to graduate with honors, he was going to tour the world with his best friends, he was going to take care of his family. Some things have gone right like touring the world with his best friends but he was so busy trying to save his family that he nearly flunked out of school and he hardly has enough money to cover himself let alone three more people. He’s sinking and he’s been sinking for a long time and he’s been holding on by the fingertips for so long but it’s time now. It’s time to let go and to just drown.

So John pours himself another glass and another glass and another and takes three more shots and drinks some more beers and he lets himself go. He lets himself drown and hopes this is the last time he wakes up.