Hate Me

He sat on the concrete sidewalk, completely invisible to those who walked past him. Every now and then someone would toss some change his way, but those people were rare and hardly ever tried to engage him in conversation. Most people preferred to ignore the homeless, act as if they didn’t exist. He figured that way they could go about their lives without having to accept the fact that they were horrible people who only cared about themselves.

The dull pain gnawing in his stomach tried to gain his attention. It’d been a few days since he’d last eaten, and what little he had wasn’t very much. It was easy to ignore the hunger though, partly because he’d learned to deal with it over the last couple of years. The other reason it was so readily squashed in his mind was that the need for alcohol was much stronger and nearly impossible to ignore. Though he hated to admit it, most of the money he managed to get his hands on went towards buying any form of alcohol. The buzz made it easier to accept the place he’d ended up in life.

Something wet pressed again his bearded cheek, jerking him out of his daze. He smiled at the mangy mutt that stood next to him, reaching over and rubbing the dog’s head.

“Hey, girl,” he muttered and turned so that he was facing the stray. A laugh bubbled from his chest as his face was licked, paws pressing into his thighs. “Alright, girl, lay down.” She did so happily, barking as she rested her head in his lap. Brown eyes peered at his face expectantly and fell shut as his fingers scratched behind her ears. “No food right now. We’ll go scrounging later.” A snort reached his ears, and he took that for begrudging approval.

His free hand moved to push his long hair out of his face so that he could take in his surroundings with his vision obstructed. It was getting late. All the suits were leaving their offices, on their way to their nice homes after a long day of sitting behind a desk. A good number of them probably had families waiting for them, or at least had a pretty face to go see. Sadness brought an ache in his chest as he found himself bitterly reminded of the fact that he had no one beside the animal next to him, and he had to struggle to rid himself of the unwanted emotion. Wallowing in self pity would do nothing to remedy his situation.

He stayed rooted to his spot until darkness fell over the city, the streetlights and lights seeping from windows of open businesses illuminating the street. With a groan he stood, taking a moment to stretch his stiff limbs, and then tightened his worn jacket around his torso.

“Come on, Rayna,” he rasped as his hand patted his outer thigh. The dog jumped up instantly, tail wagging in excitement, and he took a moment to scratch her head again before he started walking downtown with his animal companion in tow. The two walked along the sidewalk, pretty much unnoticed by the people who walked as well. The most acknowledgement they received was someone moving aside as they passed. No words were said, and no eye contact was made.

Eventually they reached their destination, ducking into an alley that led to the back entrance of a restaurant. He leaned against the wall next to the door and inhaled the aromas that snaked through the crack of the door. His stomach rumbled, and his hands moved to rest on top of it, as if to keep it quiet.

The door opened as one of the employees stepped outside to throw out some trash, the smells and sounds from the kitchen becoming stronger. The uniformed male became startled for a moment, not expecting to find the man and dog, though he regained his composure fairly quickly, and smiled warmly.

“Just a minute, ‘kay?” he told them before walking inside and yelling, “Sona! You’ve got guests.” The door swung shut just as a female voice began to answer, leaving the alley in silence aside from the sounds of the cars and people that travelled from the front of the building.

The door opened several minutes later as a woman stepped outside, hands filled with containers. She smiled as she sidestepped the bouncing dog and barely managing to keep from spilling the things she held.

“I was starting to think you’d ditched me forever, Matt,” she teased as the male lightened her load.

“Never.” The word came out in a more fervent manner than he intended, and his cheeks heated as embarrassment washed over him. The shame washed away quickly as one of her small hands patted his cheek and her chuckle reached his ears. Keeping one of his hands free, he reached into his pocket, pulling out the money he had collected, and started to extend his hand towards her. She pushed it away before he’d even covered half the distance between them.

“Oh no, you don’t.”

“Sona,” he began to protest, but she shook her head, giving him a stern glare that reminded him of the ones his mother used to give him as a child. The look vanished the moment he returned the money to his jeans. “I hate mooching off of you.”

“And I hate taking money from friends.” She handed him another container, and then reached into the pocket of her apron and tossed a bone towards Rayna. “There’s tomato soup in the thermos, and I figured you could just drink it out of there. The box has some pork chops and rolls. There’s enough pork for you to give a little to Rayna. I gave you more bread than meat just because you can make it last longer, and I don’t know how long it’ll be before you swallow your pride and come back here again.”

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” she replied with another smile as she ran her hands through her long, dark hair. “You want anything else, just ask. And for God’s sake, don’t wait so damn long to come back. I worry about you.”

“Okay, okay.”

“I mean it.”

“I know.” She stared him down a moment longer before reluctantly turning on her heel and walking back inside the restaurant. She didn’t ask if he wanted to come inside. He knew he was more than welcome to enter, but he always turned down the offer.

Sitting down, he opened the box, the smell of pork chops hitting him full force. He let out a groan as his eyes fluttered shut for a brief moment. He opened them when a wet nose nudged his hand, and he pulled one of the pieces of meat out, tossing it into the dog’s waiting mouth and then taking a piece for himself.

He groaned again and rested his head against the wall. Despite already deciding he would take his time eating, he decided once again, simply to savor the flavor. It was always when he ate Sona’s food that he regretted not coming more often, but he’d never do it. She was one of the few decent people he’d met since his fall from grace, and he refused to take advantage of her.

Sona came out one more time while he ate, only to bring him some water. It wasn’t the drink he would have preferred to have, but he accepted it anyway without argument. After he finished eating and stuffed the leftover bread in his jacket, he stuck his head inside the door long enough to tell her he was leaving before he and Rayna started the trek towards the spot where they would sleep at night.

It was outside of a grocery store that he accidentally ran into someone, calling attention to himself for the first time all day. He apologized profusely and backed away while refusing to look at the person he’d hit. He was more likely to not be attacked physically or verbally if he didn’t make eye contact.

“It’s fine,” a male voice said in response. “I shou—Matt?” Matt froze, startled by the use of his name, and looked up. His heart skipped a beat as he found himself face to face with a man he hadn’t seen in years, not since before he lost his home.

“Brian?” The shorter man gave a slight smile and nodded, his chocolate eyes looking over Matt with concern, and the smile slowly morphed into a frown.

“What happened to you?” Matt hung his head and shrugged his shoulders.

“Life.”

“You’re homeless, aren’t you?” Shamefully, he nodded his head. A breath passed through Brian’s lips before he pursed them, eyes darting between Matt and the dog that sat faithfully by his feet. “Get in the car.” Matt’s head snapped up, eyes wide and bewildered.

“What?”

“You heard me,” Brian said as a smile tugged at his lips. “Get in the car. It’s supposed to get really cold tonight. You can stay at my place, maybe even get cleaned up.” Matt opened his mouth to protest, barely getting a word out before Brian cut him off. “I’m not taking no for an answer.” He opened the back door, whistling for the dog to hop onto the seat, and Rayna did so without hesitation. “Your dog’s coming, so you might as well too.”

“You’re okay with this?”

“I’m not going to offer if I don’t expect the possibility of someone saying yes. I’ll force you into the car if I have to.”

“Like you can do that.” Matt barked a laugh, though it fell short when he saw the determined glint in Brian’s eyes. Watch me, they said. “Alright, fine.” If he expected the heavy weight of the other man’s gaze to lift from him as he stalked towards the passenger side door, he was disappointed. Those eyes were glued to his profile until the moment he was sitting in the car with a seatbelt crossed over his torso, and he had a feeling that if it wasn’t necessary to look at the road then they would have remained on him.

A soft whine drifted from the back as the car was set into motion, and Matt turned around to face the canine that laid flat on her stomach across the seat. Her eyes peered worriedly at his face, and she let out another heartbreaking whine.

“What’s wrong with her? Your dog is a she right?” Matt nodded, oblivious to the fact he was being watched as he reached back to stroke Rayna’s fur.

“I think she’s scared. She’s never been in a car.”

“Aw, poor thing.” The car came to a halt, and Brian turned his head so that he could look directly into the backseat. “You can bring her to the front if it’ll make her feel better.”

“Thanks. Come here, Rayna. Come on, girl.” Her head lifted as she watched her owner intently, taking a few moments before she stood and climbed into the front, settling on Matt’s lap. His hands rubbed her head reassuringly as he murmured calming words to her. The car stayed idle until she was completely calm, and when it began to move again, Matt spent a little longer to make sure she wasn’t frightened anymore.

“Rayna, huh?” Brian asked after a while, his eyes briefly flickering to the other man’s face.

“Yeah. She reminds me of her.”

“Your sister would be offended.”

“Nah, Ray would be flattered. She loves dogs.” The mood shifted, going from slightly awkward to downright tense. Matt’s jaw tightened, eyes shutting as he desperately racked his mind for a new topic. He’d prefer anything over what was bound to come.

“I still visit her,” Brian said after a pause, unaware of Matt’s clenching fist and mental cursing. “About once a week. You ever see her?”

“Sometimes.”

“You still blame yourself for what happened?” The answer laid in silence, and Brian sighed, one hand reaching over and resting on top of Matt’s. “It’s been three years. It wasn’t your fault.”

“I could’ve—” A groan cut him off, and Matt watched as Brian tossed his head backwards before snapping it forward to glare at the road.

“Could’ve what, Matt? What could you have possibly done to have stopped it? It was out of your hands. You did everything you could, and you need to accept the fact that it wasn’t meant to be. The fact that you’re still blaming yourself for something that wasn’t your fault isn’t healthy, and I’m damn sure that Ray’s heart is breaking over you.”

“And what do you suggest I do?”

“Let go.” He made it sound like it was so simple, like it could be done without a second thought, and Matt scoffed as bitterness churned in his chest, struggling to keep from lashing out. “Ray didn’t want you to turn out like this. You know that just as much as I do.”

“Ray didn’t understand what it was doing to me.”

“Like any of it was easy on her? Like she couldn’t see how it affected you? You suck at pretending to be strong. Ray only let you think that you were convincing with your older brother act. She spent more time being brave for you than you did for her.”

“So I’m not a good brother? Is that what you’re saying?”

“I didn’t say that,” Brian groaned as the urge to slam his head against the steering wheel hit him in the gut. “I’m just going to drop it.”

“Fantastic.”

“Great.” If it wasn’t for the sour mood that had overtaken him, Matt would have chuckled at Brian’s obsessive need to have the last word. In the past, he would keep messing with him, adding another word to the conversation just to get under the other man’s skin. He wasn’t up to it now.

Instead, he stared out of the window as his hand absentmindedly stroked his pet’s fur. He didn’t recognize the way Brian drove towards his place, and it took a few moments for it to register that Brian had probably moved since the last time they’d been together. The theory proved true as Brian parked the car in the parking lot of an apartment building that Matt definitely had never been to. Neither said a word as they got out of the car, and Matt wordlessly helped carry groceries inside.

“Bathroom’s down the hall,” Brian explained as they set the bags on the kitchen counter. “Second door on the right. I’d recommend a long, hot shower because you stink, dude.” His mouth quirked at the corners, and Matt barked a laugh, not the slightest bit offended. “Towels are in the linen closet. You can use my razor if you want to shave, and I think there’s an extra toothbrush under the sink that you can use to brush your teeth. Hairbrush is yours to use as well unless you want to cut your hair. I’ve got an electric razor if that’s the case.”

“Thanks.”

“I’ll try to find something for you to wear while you’re in the shower. I’m sure I’ve got something you can fit into, especially considering you’re a lot thinner than you used to be. Oh, are you hungry? I ate earlier, but I can fix something for you.”

“Rayna and I ate before we ran into you,” Matt replied, wearing a gentle smile. The smile disappeared as his lips rounded, and his hands jumped to his pockets. Sheepishly, he pulled out the rolls he’d stuffed in there before leaving Sona’s restaurant. “Forgot about these.”

“Just sit them on the counter,” Brian said, slightly amused. Matt did and then started towards the bathroom, pausing in the doorway.

“Rayna might be some trouble. I’m not sure how she’ll react.”

“If I could handle Rayna as a human, I sure as hell can handle her as a dog. I’ll be fine; she’ll be fine. You go get cleaned up.” He made a shooing motion with his hands, and Matt hurried out of the room before Brian did more than wave at him.

Matt shut the door behind him, taking a moment to look around the bathroom. It’d been years since he’d used a bathroom that wasn’t open to the public, and it was definitely bigger than the one he had in his old apartment, nicer too. He shook free of his awe before he could gawk for too long, walking over the closet door across from the sink. He grabbed for one of the fluffier looking towels and hung it on the chrome rail before he stripped free of his clothes and let them fall in a pile on the floor.

He stepped into the shower, pulling the curtain shut before he turned the water on. An audible groan echoed in the room as the hot water hit his skin, and he let his eyes fall shut as he basked in the feel of it. The sensation was almost orgasm worthy, though he would never have admitted it out loud, not while knowing how sad that sounded. He felt his muscles relax under the spray, and he wasn’t sure how long he stood there before he actually started washing.

He grabbed the bottle of shampoo, squeezing a generous amount of liquid onto his palm, and then scrubbing the soap into his scalp and hair. A grimace formed as he watched the dirt rinse out of his hair along with the shampoo, and he instantly grabbed the shampoo to rewash his hair.

He exited the shower once he was convinced he’d scrubbed every speck of dirt off of his body and moved on to the sink to brush his teeth.

“Hey, you out of the shower?” Brian asked after his knuckles rapped against the door.

“Yeah,” Matt answered as he took the toothbrush out of his mouth, leaning over the sink to spit out a mouthful of toothpaste.

“Cool if I come in then? I’ve already seen you naked.” The door opened before Matt had a chance to answer, and Brian strolled in, clothes tucked under his arms while Rayna chased after his heels. “These may or may not fit. They’re the largest things I could find in my closet. And also, I hope you don’t mind, but I kind of want to give your dog a bath. If she’s staying here, she might as well be clean.” Matt only waved his hand in a go ahead manner, and Brian did so with a nod. Hanging the clothes on the rack, he called the dog to the bath, placing her inside the tub as he began to fill it with warm water. She barked, tail wagging, and made to lick Brian’s face, a move that he just barely managed to avoid. Matt shook his head, dragging his eyes back towards the mirror as he finished brushing his teeth. He continued to ignore the splashing and sarcastic comments as he applied shaving cream to his face.

“You ever take her to the vet?” Brian asked after a while.

“Uh, once, about a year ago. She got real sick, so Sona took her for me.”

“Who’s Sona?”

“Friend of mine. She owns one of the restaurants downtown. She gives me and Rayna free food whenever I ask, and she’s always offering to help me with other stuff. Not that I take her up on it or anything.”

“Well, I’m taking Rayna to the vet tomorrow, just to make sure she’s okay.”

“You don’t have to.”

“Well, I am. Hand me a towel, will you? I’m just about done here.” He complied, hitting the shorter male in the back as he threw it at him. He laughed when he caught the playful glare aimed at him and then laughed harder as Rayna shook her wet fur, showering Brian with water. “What the hell, dog?” Brian shouted teasingly, arms flying out in a show of exasperation. “Damn, no wonder she reminds you of Ray. Little shit.” Rayna barked in response before her tongue lolled out the side of her mouth.

Matt tuned out the commotion at the tub as he rinsed his face clean of any remaining foam and then slipped out of the room with clothes in hand. He found an empty bedroom to walk inside of long enough to change.

The sweatpants were the only thing that actually fit, something that he contributed to the elastic waistband. The underwear caused a slight discomfort, nothing that he couldn’t deal with until getting a hold of something his size. The shirt however he decided to go without, not liking the snugness of the fit. He’d gotten used to wearing shirts that hung loosely. Anything tighter than what he was used to caused him to feel like he was suffocating.

He found Brian in the kitchen, sitting on the floor as he used an old towel to play tug of war with the dog. Matt almost smiled at the sight until he found himself reminded of the old days, and any lightness in mood disappeared instantly. He stalked towards the fridge, breathing a sigh of relief when he found a beer can at the front of one of the shelves, and snatched it, desperate for the taste.

“So still like to show off that bod of yours, huh?” Brian teased, and Matt looked at him sideways, choking on his beer when he saw the waggle of eyebrows.

“Shirt didn’t fit,” he answered. He wasn’t sure if his attempt to sound indifferent fooled anyone, just knew it hadn’t fooled him at all. As heated chocolate eyes trailed over his unclothed torso, he snapped his eyes away, pretending to be fascinated with the wall.

“Well, I’m not complaining.” Matt almost rolled his eyes. Of course you’re not, he thought. When have you ever complained? “Anyway,” Brian coughed, “you can sleep in the bedroom you went into to change. Rayna can sleep on the bed if she wants. She’s clean, so it doesn’t matter.”

“Thanks.”

“I have to get up early tomorrow for work, but I’ll try not to wake you up. You’ll have the place to yourself until I get back, and don’t freak out if you can’t find Rayna. I’m taking her to the vet, remember?” Matt nodded, a stiff smile pasted on his lips. Brian returned a less forced smile as he stood up and patted the dog’s head. “Okay, well I think I’m going to head to bed then. Night.”

“Night,” Matt replied, eyes trained on the exiting figure until it disappeared around the corner. A soft whine gained his attention, and he turned his gaze to the dog at his feet. “Guess we’re stuck here for a couple of days, girl. Hope you like it,” he added as afterthought, more for himself than for Rayna.