Grey

He moaned loudly as he released his load into me. I cried as he got off of me and laid on his side. ‘’When you are in pain because of me, when you cry, when the nights are too dark for you…that’s when I am happy.’’ He whispered into my ear as I just stayed there, frozen. My body was rigid and tensed as I waited for him to fall asleep so I could calm down and try to forget once again about what had happened.

I dug my teeth into my bottom lip, releasing blood as I felt my chest tighten up and my eyes began to sting. As soon as he started snoring, I let the sob I’ve been trying to hold back, escape my mouth. I cried hard and scratched at my skin furiously, feeling it sting in irritation but I still kept scratching hoping for the skin to finally come off so I could feel clean.

My vision was blurry as I rolled off the bed and fell on the hardwood floor with a loud thump. I turned to look at him and thankfully he was still sleeping loudly. I whimpered and tried crawling out of the bedroom. Every time I moved my legs, my knees dragged across the floor and my lower half screamed in pain. He had violated my body once again, my soul too.

My nails dug into the floor with every pull forward and I bit my tongue, trying not to scream. It worked because I knew that if I screamed, he would either rape me once again or beat me just because he was mad. When I was unable to move anymore, I sobbed and buried my head into my hands, feeling my cries rack my whole body. I clenched my teeth as I got up while feeling like a million needles are piercing my skin. I finally reached up and grabbed onto the doorknob and with the little strength I had left, I pulled myself up, feeling my legs wobbling.

Using the wall for support, I made my way to the bathroom. I ignored my reflection in the mirror and turned on the shower, waiting until the water was boiling and hurt when it touched skin. I wanted to burn the skin he had violated, I wanted to be clean, pure again, and it was driving me crazy that I knew that wasn’t possible.

Thinking about everything he had done to me was turning me to a problematic person, vulnerable and with a hard past. I knew that, and he knew that. It was what he wanted; for my past to be just a grey memory, for my future to be filled with the blackness he had created, but I had managed to break free. I was free, and my future was slowly turning to white, like the purity of an innocent baby’s soul.

I gasped as I sat up abruptly; sweat was coating my pale skin. My heart hammered in my chest and I looked around at my surroundings and relief washed over me when I realized I was in my sister’s own room. Milena was sleeping beside me but we had kicked off the blanket and it was kind of cold. I poked her side and she woke up. Upon seeing my face, she rubbed her eyes and her facial expression changed when she realized something was wrong.

‘’Are you okay, Lena?’’ She asked and I nodded my head with the fear still clutching onto my bones. I shuddered and reached out to her. I wrapped my arms around her and she did the same in a sisterly hug. I buried my head into her chest, like she was my mother. She ran her fingers through my blonde hair.

‘’Nightmare?’’ She asked and I nodded my head. ‘’You don't have to worry, you’re safe with me.’’ I nodded my head as I hung onto her tightly. I felt safe in her thin arms, but I didn’t know how much I could stay safe here within the safety of her kind arms.

He was long dead but he haunted me in my dreams. I would never get away, never.