Feel

It was too bright in this waiting room, too florescent and pale. I didn't like it, I don't like rooms that are intended to be comfortable that are completely ill-fitting.

"Uh, sir?" the receptionist from behind the counter said, raising her brows that were a different color than her peroxide blonde hair. I didn't give her my name, just told her that I didn't want to. "The doctor is ready to see you."

I smiled and nodded, trying my best to suppress my embarrassment for what I was here for.

See, I decided to take Bones' advice and go to a sex therapist. She drove me here and covered for me absence with Vic; we lied and said that I was helping her get ready for her date with Jack. I hated lying to him, not only because I was being untrustworthy, but because each time Bones supported my lie she would give me hell about it. Some friends I have.

"Hey, uh is this Doctor Paige?" I asked, seeing a woman in the only room with the door open, tapping a pen on her desk.

"Oh, please, call me Ali. All my visitors do."

"Oh, okay... Ali."

She had the same name as one of my nurses during my stay in the hospital. I involuntarily grabbed the scar where the wound once was, distantly remembering the steady beep... beep of my own heart monitor, a small reminder to everyone that I was still alive and viable. Still a useful slice of life.

"Well, take a seat!" I nodded, dropping my hand and stepping in, shyly closing the door and making my way to the comfy, stuffy chair across from her. "Want anything? Coffee? Water? Mints? Gum?"

"Uh, just water, if you could."

She smiled and stood, turning to the water cooler in the corner and filling a Styrofoam cup with cold water from the blue switch. She passed it over, and I took it, a polite smile of my face. She took a swig of her coffee, eyeing me. There's no way she's that much older than me.

"So, for starters, what if your name young man?"

"Kellin."

"Okay, Kellin, can you tell me what someone as young as you is doing in a place like this."

My cheeks flushed, "Uh, so I'm a virgin and I'm just kind of, you know, nervous."

"Ah, okay. Is your girlfriend a virgin too?"

"Uhm, I don't have a, uh, girlfriend."

"Oh, so you're single? Okay."

"No, no, no. I have a boyfriend."

"Aah, okay. Well, is he a virgin?"

"I guess. Well, he told me he's had sex with girls before but never with another boy."

"Hm, okay, okay. And do you guys do anything sexual at all or keep it at kissing?"

"We've uh, yeah we've done things and stuff."

"How far?"

"Nothing past just, uh... like nothing that's not... nothing besides like..." I gave up and looked up at her with a sheepish expression.

"No penetration of any kind?" she offered. How people talk so openly about sex, I'll never know. Then again, this is her job.

"Right," I said, looking down.

"And how long have you guys been together?"

"Almost six months now."

"Hm, okay. I think you're going at a pretty healthy pace. Can you think of any reason why you're nervous with losing your virginity? Are you being pressured by your boyfriend?"

"No, no, not at all. He says we'll go at my rate and do what I want. Even when I try to do something for him he switches around and does something for me first," I giggled, trying not to be so awkward. "I don't really have a certain reason why I'm so anxious about losing it. Maybe because when I was younger I was taught that pre-marital sex was a sin. And it doesn't help I was also taught sex with the same gender is bad."

"Ah, he sounds like a gentleman. And what you were taught might be it, but I think you know that sex before marriage is okay and that being gay is more than acceptable. Tell me, Kellin, do you know is you're a if you're a dom or a sub?"

"Like, you mean who is giving and who is receiving?"

"Exactly."

"Well, I think it's pretty obvious that I'd be the one receiving."

She chuckled, "Do you know how sex between two men work?"

I shook my head, "Not exactly."

"That might be where some of the apprehension comes from as well. What I'd suggest is researching it online; read articles, maybe even watch porn. Just figure it out and you'll see there's nothing to be afraid of. It's a natural thing, something part of human nature."

I drank the last sip of water from my cup, "uh, sure. I guess I can do that."

"What I'd also suggest is taking control of your body. Sex is not giving someone your body, handing it over without owning that other person. Sex is giving as much pleasure as you get. If your boyfriend is the one who initiates all the intimacy, switch it up and start it yourself. If he gets you off first, change it up every once in a while and take control. It might be nerve wracking the first time but that's how you know you're doing something right; when you cares so much about screwing it up, the other person knows you actually want them to feel good. Get it?"

I nodded my head, "Yeah, that makes a lot of sense."

She smiled, "I think that's all the advice you really need. You seem like you're in a good relationship and you know what you're doing. I have one last question though."

"What?"

"Why are you so adamant on losing your virginity to this boy?"

I smiled, not like she'll ever understand what he's done for me. "He's a life saver, trust me on that."

"If you say so," she said, amused.



"I can't keep covering your ass anymore," Bones complained, pulling up to Vic's house, taking a look at me from the drivers seat.

"This is the last time, promise."

She sighed, "Just hurry. I gotta be back at my house in like, ten minutes to Jack and pick me up. I shouldn't be driving around."

I rolled my eyes, "He'll still be there even if you're late, calm down."

"Okay, well who wants to be late on their first date with someone."

"True," I unbuckled my seatbelt and cracked the door open. "You better tell me how it goes, okay."

"Promise, now onward to fuck your boyfriend!"

"He's not even home right now. The whole family is at the hospital with Mike and Claudia for their first check up."

"Ah, well go watch cartoons and eat cereal."

"Bye Bones."

"See ya'!"

She drove away after I closed the door and I pulled my keys out. I stepped into the house, letting out a 'hello?' to be certain no one else was here. No answer whatsoever.

I ran up the stairs to Vic's room (which I guess is also my room?) and grabbed my laptop, throwing it open and unlocking it. I don't know if it's just me but I always felt weird looking up porn. However, now is not the time to be flustered over it, I am not going to worry about anyone who looks through my search history (not like anyone would). I am determined to see what I'm going to have to do.

My fingers clicked down on the mouse as I found a video that just looked like normal sex, nothing freaky or weird. And I clicked, video after video, ignoring the bulge in my pants. Guy after guy on my laptop screen let out moans, a mix of fake and real, coming on some other dude they probably only met that day. Why is porn so weird to me? Like, woah, that's someone's son, you know? But I'm still like any other normal human so I got turned on, sue me.

The front door closed downstairs and I panicked and closed the window on my laptop, slapping it shut. Oh fuck, oh fuck no, not now.

"Anyone home?" I heard Vic yell from downstairs but my mouth was too dry to answer. I just pulled the sheets over me, making damn sure my lap was obscured from sight. I heard his footsteps run up the stairs and the door fling open right when I shut my eyes. "Oh, Kellin! Are you sleeping?"

I opened my eyes like I was trying to nap, "No, not yet. Hi."

He made his way over and climbed under the sheets with me to my dismay. I turned away when he tried to cuddle but his arms wrapped around my waist anyway. "Hey, you're neck is really hot, turn over."

"N-no, it's okay, really. I'm fine."

"No, turn over, I need to check your forehead."

"I'm fine, Vic."

He wasn't having any of it and he flipped me over himself, the beck of his hand pressed against my forehead. That's when he started eyeing my pants, licking his lips. "Oh, so that's what you're hiding.

I physically gulped, "uh, yeah. I was kinda uh, you know."

"Mm-hm, yeah, I can see that," his hand automatically went for my bulge, palming me. "Why don't you let me finish it, hm?"

"Oh, fuck, yeah."

He grinned and got up so he was kneeling, dragging my pants down until they were off my legs. His mouth was just inches away from giving me pleasure but I grabbed his shoulder and stopped him. Vic looked up at me, confused.

"Can we try something new?" I asked, biting my lip, making sure the question got to him before I could swallow it back.

"Like what?"

"Uh," I had no idea how to fucking ask for this. "Fingers."

"You want me to..." The question got lost in embarrassment so he lift two fingers to clarify. I nodded my head.

"I'm ready."

"You know, if you're doing this just to-"

"No, I'm ready now, Vic," I demanded.

"Bossy," he said, rummaging through his nightstand. He grabbed the bottle of lube I knew he bought the other day and slathered his fingers in it. I took this opportunity to rid myself of my shirt and turn over so I was on my hands and knees.

“Oh fuck," he whispered, rubbing his other hand on my lower back. "You ready?"

“Uh-huh,” I shivered as I felt him cover my entrance with lube, closing my eyes and bracing myself for the first finger.

Vic sighed, tsking at me. “Just relax, you can take it, okay? Don’t you trust me?”

“Yes, of course! Just… I’m scared, okay. I’ve never done anything like this, but I know I'm ready.”

“I know, I know,” He rubbed my entrance in circles and I shuttered. “Can I start now?”

“Yeah,” I whispered moaned at the feeling of him circling me.

The tip of his finger pushed in and I sighed and he slowly ebbed the rest of his pointer finger in. Of course, I’ve never experienced anything like that, but it was better than what I was expecting.

“Does it feel good?” he asked.

“I mean, not necessarily good but just, weird.”

“I guess we’ll have to fix that then.”

He slowly moved his finger out then back in over and over, until he felt like I was ready and put more lube on me. I felt a second finger stretching me, and it stung a little, but he kept on moving them. He scissored and hooked his fingers around like he was looking for something and then-

“Oh fuck,” I whispered and bit my lip.

-he found it.

“Do it again,” he panted, gripping the comforter tightly.

Vic chuckled, “Does it feel good now?” He did it again.

“Yeah,” I moaned, feeling him rub the spot inside of me, over and over. “Fucking hell, Vic. Oh shit, please.”

“Please? What are you asking for?” he teased, pulling his fingers almost all the way out.

“Vic, no!” I groaned, pushing back on his fingers myself. I felt the tips rub that amazing spot again. I released my bottom lip from my teeth and softly said, “More, please. Vic, more."

He complied, adding in a third finger, his ring finger. I hissed a little but I kept pushing back, again and again, fucking myself on his hand. He reached his other hand around and took hold of my dick, pumping slowly. I moaned, pushing back on his fingers then forward into his hand. It felt fucking amazing.

“You like being finger fucked, huh?” he asked, his voice throaty and gruff. I nodded, but that wasn’t enough for him. He let go on my dick and grabbed my hair, bringing me up. “Do you like it?”

“Uh-huh,” I cried out, biting my lip. That satisfied him, and he pushed in between my shoulder blades, my face falling into a pillow. I bit it, grabbing my own erection and pumping. “Oh, Christ, yes!”

Vic’s fingers touched that marvelous place inside me again, and my cry was muffled into the pillow as I came.

"Fuck, Vic," I groaned, lifting myself up on my arms, turning to see him ready for his turn. Something came over me and I pounced on him, our lips at war with each other, as I started unbuttoning his pants. Closer, I need him closer.

"What's gotten into you?" Vic chuckled when I moved down his body, scraping my nails against all the skin I touched. He shuttered and called out my name when I took his member into my mouth, "Kellin!"

Oh my god. Oh my god, there's a dick in my mouth. There is genitalia in my mouth right now. And I have no idea what I'm doing.

Okay, just fucking calm down, Kellin. Fucking calm down. Just, do what Vic does to you.

I took him deeper into my mouth making sure to keep my teeth away from him; it feels good when he does it to me, but I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing, so I'll just play it safe. He gasped when my mouth went up and I gave a lick to his head.

"Oh shit," he breathed out, tugging on my hair, leading it away from my face. "Feels amazing."

I hummed around him and held down his hips before he had the chance to buck, taking as much as him as I could; I don't think he'd find me gagging sexy. I kept sucking and sucking on him, licking around the head like he was the last fruit on earth and my survival depended on him. He came while I was pulling my mouth up, the sticky substance falling directly on my tongue, and I swallowed. It tasted... foreign.

I pulled off of him and rested my head on his hip, breathing a little heavy. "Shit Kellin... I don't even know what to say."

So he didn't say anything.