Fight or Flight

"Hey, Ellen." Veronica sat down on the comfortable sofa of the psychiatrist’s office after her work shift.

The counselor’s office was moderately sized and dim from the lights. The walls were a pale lavender color, accented by the gray sofa and two chairs. Veronica always sat on the couch because it was the most comfortable. She loved that Ellen’s office always smelled like warm vanilla.

"Good evening, Veronica. We haven't met in a while,” Ellen greeted. She closed the door for Veronica's privacy. She sat down in her leather swivel chair, turning to face Veronica. She held a pen in her hand and Veronica's file on her lap. "So first things first..."

Ellen Reynolds was one of the dozen military psychiatrists on the base. She was long done with active medical duty and spent her work days counseling and diagnosing many of the soldiers at the base. Still, she continued to wear her army green t-shirt and desert camouflage pants to work. No one had ever seen her without her strawberry blonde hair in a neat bun or her clean, white doctor’s coat.

"Any thoughts of harming yourself or anyone else?" Ellen started with the standard questions.

"No." Veronica's answers were always the same for these types of questions.

"Have you been eating?"

"Yes," Veronica nodded her head.

"Are you sleeping okay?"

Veronica shrugged, "Sometimes. The Ambien works best, though."

Ellen made note of that. "What about anxiety attacks? Any of those lately?"

"No," Veronica shook her head.

"Flashbacks or nightmares?"

Veronica thought about the last time she had a nightmare, which was actually a few nights ago. "Every now and then."

"But not as bad as before, right?" Ellen wanted to clarify.

"Right," Veronica confirmed.

"Good. That means the medication is working," Ellen smiled. She put the open manila folder onto her desk and dropped her pen. "What should we talk about today? I know you've got something to talk about."

Veronica shrugged and bit her lip. She enjoyed having Ellen as a shoulder to lean on, but sometimes she just wasn't up to talking.

"Okay," Ellen took initiative to start. She knew some clients wouldn't openly express themselves if they weren't asked a question. "Last time, we talked about your future. Any new relationships?"

Ellen knew all about Veronica's few one night stands. She brought up the topic in every session.

"I..." Veronica hesitated to tell her. "There's this one guy. It didn't work out, though."

"Why not?" Ellen asked.

Veronica sighed, nearly cringing from the memory.

"Veronica, hi!" The woman from the bar greeted Veronica on Sunday night. "I didn't know you were coming!"

"Er, yeah." Veronica looked down at the ground. She went to Matt's house to say goodbye the evening before. The band was actually leaving early the next morning, but she knew there was no way she would be able to see them off before they left for the tour. "I just came to say goodbye."

"Goodbye?" Val questioned. "They leave tomorrow."

"I know, but when they leave I'll be heading to work," Veronica explained.

"Oh," Val said quietly. "You must get to work pretty early then."

"I do," Veronica nodded.

Veronica always tried to get ready for bed by at least 10pm. Her daily routine required her to wake up at four every morning, leave her apartment at 4:30, and be at the base by at least 5:45 for physical training at 6.

"Well, I think they're all out back," Val mentioned, motioning for her to follow her around the house to the backyard.

"He told me he wanted to be more than friends," Veronica further explained. "I told him we couldn't."

"Does this guy have a name?" Ellen asked with interest. This would be Veronica’s first actual love interest since she’d met her.

"Matt. His name is Matt," Veronica answered.

"And what does Matt do for a living?" Ellen asked, jotting Veronica’s answers on paper.

"He's in a rock band. They're sort of famous in the music world."

"And what are your feelings towards Matt?"

"Honestly, I don't know," Veronica sighed, her eyes adverting to the tall bookshelf in the room. "He's a good guy, a great friend. He's physically attractive and sometimes I think we connect on an intellectual level. I'm just still not ready for a man in my life."

"You always say you're not ready," Ellen noted. "What are you not ready for? What's holding you back?"

"He's going on a tour," Veronica volunteered the information in order to change the topic. "He left yesterday and he's going to be gone for six weeks. I totally embarrassed myself and probably made him feel bad."

"Are you here to tell me you changed your mind?" Matt asked from behind her, walking into his kitchen.

"No," Veronica said, turning around to look at him. "I just came to say goodbye before you left."

"Okay," Matt said flatly. "Then I guess this is goodbye."

"I also came to tell you that I'm sorry," She added. "I feel bad that you made a big, elaborate dinner for the two of us and I couldn't even stay. I was just...caught off guard, Matt. I like you, but I'm not ready to be in a relationship with you."

"I understand," Matt said. "I understood on Friday night and I understand now."

"I just want..." Veronica trailed off. "I still want us to be friends. I still want you to call or text me while you're on the road to let me know how you're doing. I don't want things to be awkward between us."

"Nothing is awkward," Matt said. "I think you're making it awkward for yourself."

She closed her mouth, not knowing how to respond to that. Now it was really awkward. Matt approached her, giving her a warm hug. She instinctively wrapped her arms around him too.

"I'm not mad at you if that's what you're thinking," He muttered in her ear.

Veronica nodded in response, deciding it was better to stay quiet.

"Thanks for coming by. I'm still going to miss you whether you like it or not," He chuckled. "But take your time. I'm not in a rush."

Ellen wrote down the given information. "But you still didn't answer my question. What are you not ready for?"

The words coming from Ellen's mouth made Veronica's head spin. It seemed like she was talking in slow motion and her words were jumbled and incoherent.

"I'm not ready for... anything," Veronica stressed. "I'm not ready for a family, a boyfriend, or even a freaking dog. I don't want more people than necessary to depend on me. I don't want them to worry about me."

"Do you think you're going to die?" Ellen asked suddenly.

"What?" Veronica asked dumbfounded, not sure if she'd heard her correctly.

"Do you think you're going to die?" Ellen repeated. "You seem like you don't want anyone to care about you; like you don't want anyone to miss you. It's like your preparing to die."

"I'm not afraid of death," Veronica rebutted. "If I was afraid, I wouldn't be doing what I'm doing."

"I didn't ask if you were afraid," Ellen said. "I asked if you thought you were going to die."

"No," Veronica snapped. "No, I don't think I'm going to die. But maybe I will. I thought I was going to die a lot when I was in Iraq. I'm lucky to even be talking to you right now."

"Veronica, take a breath," Ellen instructed to calm her down. "It's okay to feel like something bad is going to happen. This is a dangerous career."

"I didn't say anything was going to happen to me," Veronica said. "I just know that life is never guaranteed for anyone."

"Who are you thinking about right now?" Ellen asked quietly. She knew all about Veronica's close encounters with death and with those who have died in combat.

Veronica closed her eyes, leaning back into the couch.

"One of the other platoons cleared this road last night."

"I need a cigarette."

"Can you not smoke in the truck?" Veronica snatched the cigarette carton from Brandon's hands.

"Hey!" He yelled, reaching for the carton in her hands.

"You can wait until we get out or get back to the base," She scolded him like a child, tucking his cigarettes into the pockets of her pants.

The rest of the ride through the dirt roads of Iraq was full of friendly bantering and jokes. That was, until a deafening boom sounded throughout the atmosphere and rocked the earth's surface. The entire humvee violently shook, shocking the five soldiers. Within seconds, the shaking stopped.

There was a moment of silence before the five of them realized what had happened. They all peered out the front windshield but there was nothing to see. They couldn't see a thing and the whole proximity was a cloud of dust. They could only hope that the truck in front of them was still in tact.

"Oh my God."

"Holy shit.

"Nate," Veronica gasped, realizing her best friend was in the truck ahead of them. Their truck was the one that rolled over the roadside bomb.

"Scottie, you can't go out there." Brandon grabbed her arm when she gripped the door handle. "If the truck is destroyed then you know..."

"No, I don't know," She snapped at him, taking her arm from his grasp but remaining in her seat. Her heart started racing. She could feel her eyes begin to water at the chance of her best friend no longer being alive.

"Stunner, you guys alright up there?" Cherry asked through the headset from the front seat.

There was no response on the other end.

"Serge," Brandon asked for Collier through his headset.

There was still no response. The whole truck was silent again.

A cough came from the other end of the line. "We're alright. Fucking hell of a hit, but we're okay."

Veronica jumped at the sound of Nathaniel's voice coming through her headset. She thought her best friend had just gotten blown off the face of the planet.

"Tell Scottie I'm okay," He groaned.

"I heard you, you asshole," She grinned. The tears rolling down her face turned into tears of relief.

"Let's wait until this smoke clears and then let's keep moving," He instructed.

“Copy that,” Cherry said.

Veronica took a deep breath, wondering which platoon she would have to go yell at for nearly killing half her team from a poorly done job.

"If you've been alright, I don't want to open a can of worms," Ellen said. "Maybe we should end the session here. I’m not going to up your dosage of medication, but I’m gonna write you some refills.”

Veronica stood from the couch, adjusting the waist of her pants and grabbing her hat.

"You know to call or come see me when you need me," Ellen told her, handing her two prescriptions. "I'll see you next month."

Veronica nodded, "Thanks, Doc."