Status: Completed.
Forever and More
Gone Beyond Repair
[004]
Alex turned his body so that he lay on his side, watching as she did the same, wincing a bit. His brows furrowed and he made a move to get her a couple of pain killers or something, but she stopped him by gently wrapping her pale hand around her wrist, shaking her head. His frown deepened but when she rolled her eyes and tugged him back down to the bed, he managed a smile, allowing her to do so.
"How are you feeling?" He asked quietly.
"Dizzy." She half-smiled.
"Need any meds?"
Jay shook her head. "No, not anymore."
The couple was silent then, simply watching each other – though Jay's eyes seem to be slightly droopy while Alex's were wide open. She smiled at him and he instantly smiled back, though it was weak and his lips seemed to quiver. She was getting weaker. So much weaker.
That meant that her time was almost up.
They'd been driving around, going to random places and taking as many pictures as possible with either of their phones. They were basically running; running like time was chasing them – which it was. Only, it wasn't chasing them, it was chasing her.
Jay had given Jack and the other guys a ring the other day, as promised, and when she went back to Alex, she seemed completely fine. It was only when they were cuddled up in a motel bed that she broke down, crying and finally saying things that he would've expected any other person to say when they found out that they'd relapsed. She said it wasn't fair that it had to happen to her, that she'd suffered enough and by her having cancer and numbered days, she was giving so many other people grief.
Thing was, she honestly only wanted to get better so that everyone else wouldn't be so upset.
But she rejected the proposition of going through chemotherapy again, because she knew that it would probably be useless. The second time that she'd been diagnosed, it was already practically too late. She was at stage 4 and nothing could really stop it then. They could try, but they would probably only be giving Jay more pain and slowing down the whole 'dying' thing.
As much as Alex didn't want her to leave the Earth, he didn't want to see her suffer for nothing. Given a choice, he would just opt to take the exact same route as they had taken instead of forcing her to go for chemo.
This was Jay's decision, and though Alex absolutely fucking hated the decision that she'd made, he respected it. It was better for him to just accept the decision that she'd made, respect it, and then spend her last days with her – which was exactly what he did.
"Can you promise me something?" Jay asked quietly, blinking her eyes slowly.
"Anything." Alex breathed out immediately, scooting closer to her and wrapping an arm around her shoulder.
She smiled weakly, manoeuvring herself so that her head lay on his chest and a palm was feeling the constant beat of his heart. "I want you to promise to not let my... death... screw up your life."
Alex let out a humourless laugh, leaning down to kiss her hair. "I can't promise you that. Because you're my life, and when you're gone.... I – I don't know what I'll do."
"You'll move on." She said quietly, tilting her head back so that her head was now resting on her shoulder as green eyes connected to brown ones.
"I can't –"
"You mean you wouldn't want to." Jay retorted, smiling slightly. "'Lex, you're an amazing guy, and I want another girl to be able to know what an amazing guy you are, too. You're not even 26 yet and you're already married, and I'm not going to be around anymore and –" she sighed, closing her eyes. "It's not fair to you. I want you to move on, to find happiness in someone else. To love someone else the way that you've loved me for the past five most amazing years of my life."
Alex looked at her for a moment, his eyes glassy. "I can't." He croaked out. "I'll never be able to. I – I've given away my heart and my soul to you and I don't think – I don't think I want it back." He replied honestly. "I don't need another woman to make me happy because you're all that I've ever wanted and needed. And you're all that I'll ever want and need."
"I'm not asking you to forget me. I'm just, y'know, asking you to try and replace me." She shrugged her shoulders lightly, giving him a weak half-smile.
"I never thought I'd ever hear my wife tell me to replace her." He teased, hoping to lift the tension in the air that blanketed them.
"I never thought you'd ever get a wife." She teased next, making him let out a mock-offended gasp.
"Joke's on you 'cause, um, you're my wife."
Jay pouted, frowning. "Dammit. Why did I agree to marry you, again?"
"Because you luuuurrve me."
Jay smiled softly up at him, lifting herself up to gently kiss her lips. "That I do."
Alex sighed in content, tightening his arm around her for a millisecond before letting go. He didn't want to hurt her. He never wanted to hurt her.
"I wish I could take your pain away."
"You can't."
"I wish I could be the one dying, instead of you."
"Don't say that." Jay chided, hitting him lightly in the chest with the back of her hand. "You were meant to live, to do great things. You're meant to change lives – and you have. The amount of kids that look up to you and see you as their hero... That's why you should be alive. I've never done much in my twenty-five years. I s'pose if we had a choice, that either one of us had to be the one getting sick, I'd still pick me."
"But what about me?" Alex whispered. "What about who I look up to? What about who I see as my hero? Why can't she live and stay by my side till we grow old and sit in parks, yelling at the teenagers about their fancy new gadgets and shit?"
Jay managed a small laugh at that, though it ended with a cough. Even then, Alex managed a smile. It had been an inside thing amongst them since they were merely best friends. They always spoke of a day in which they'd be old with greying hairs and missing teeth, where they'd go to the park and yell at teenagers about their new gadgets – gadgets that were, hopefully by then, hover boards and things like that. Alex and Jay weren't even together at that time so they were planning the day that they'd do that where they would both be with their respective other halves.
"Hey, Alex?"
"Yeah, baby?"
"Can you promise me something?" She asked again.
Alex shrugged half-heartedly. "Maybe."
"Stop worrying." She said, earning a confused look from the male. "I want you to stop worrying so much about the future – about how you think life will suck and all that, because I know that's what you're thinking. I know you."
Alex smiled. She was right, though. He was, literally, just then thinking about how much life was going to suck without his other half. Sure, he still had the guys and tons of concerts to play but the fact that Jay wouldn't be around anymore terrified him to no end and it made him miserable.
"I want you to live day by day. Stop thinking so much. You always overthink things and sometimes I want to get inside your head just to make you stop. Stop worrying about your future – you'll be fine. You're in a successful band with your best friends and you've got an absolutely dedicated fan base that freaking adore you. Just... Live free. Don't become a shell of who you once was just because of what's to happen. Be the reckless Alex Gaskarth that I was best friends with since I was a baby. Be the overactive and immature Alex Gaskarth that I fell head over heels in love with. Be the stupid and rather impulsive Alex Gaskarth that I married. Live day by day and stop worrying so much."
"Can you promise me that?"
"It'll be hard." Alex eventually replied.
"But you'll try?" She asked, a weak smile along her lips as her eyes started to flutter close with a small yawn emitting from her mouth.
Alex nodded. "Yeah, I'll try. Get some rest. I love you."
"I love you more."
"I love you most."
-----
Jack awoke to the sound of his phone ringing. He groaned in annoyance, blindly slapping at his bedside table to get the phone and politely – okay, maybe not so politely – ask the caller to fuck off and call back at a more decent hour. Once he finally opened his eyes, the glaring lime green and blurry numbers stared back at him, reading 7.19AM.
"What?" He snapped into the phone, not even bothering to check the caller i.d. or to give a pleasant good morning to them.
There was nothing that responded to him, apart from the soft sounds of someone breathing heavily. It sounded like a kid was trying to prank call him and Jack was just about to tell the kid off when he identified the sound of the person sobbing.
"Uh... Hello?" Jack tried, slowly sitting up and pulling on his glasses. Still no reply. He pulled the phone away, his frown deepening as the name Alex Gaskarth lit up on his phone. "Alex? Is that you?"
"Help me." Alex whispered, immediately making Jack's mind and body jolt awake.
"What happened?" Jack demanded, getting to his feet to pull on a set of sweatpants and a hoodie. He didn't know where Alex was, but Alex was his best friend and he would drive for three hours if it meant that he'd be able to help him.
"She's gone." Alex sobbed, halting Jack's movements from where he'd just pulled out a hoodie from his closet.
"W-w-what?" He croaked out, feeling tears brim his eyes.
"She's gone, Jack. She's gone. She's dead." Alex yelled. "I could've helped her! I should've fucking helped her! Why didn't you tell me to get her to the hospital?! If you did, or if someone did then she wouldn't be dead! She should've fucking gone for the chemo! I should've forced her to go for chemo! You should've forced her to go for chemo! Why the fuck didn't you force her to go for chemo?! Why, Jack, why?!"
He sounded angry. He was angry, just not at Jack. Jack knew Alex long enough to know that Alex was angry at everyone and no one in particular. He was just so angry.
"She's dead, Jacky." Alex sobbed, sniffling at the same time. "She's dead and it's all my fucking fault."
Jack blinked, not bothering to wipe away the tears that stained his cheeks. He sank down to the ground, his back leaning against the door of his closet. "I –"
"I held her in my arms when she died, Jack. I – I should've woken up and brought her to the hospital last night but I didn't and I – I thought she'd still be alive today. I thought she still had a few more days but I –" Alex couldn't finish his sentence and Jack was sure that he was either on the verge of having a panic attack or he was already having one.
"I – I'm sorry." Jack eventually whispered.
"I am, too, Jacky. I am, too."
Alex turned his body so that he lay on his side, watching as she did the same, wincing a bit. His brows furrowed and he made a move to get her a couple of pain killers or something, but she stopped him by gently wrapping her pale hand around her wrist, shaking her head. His frown deepened but when she rolled her eyes and tugged him back down to the bed, he managed a smile, allowing her to do so.
"How are you feeling?" He asked quietly.
"Dizzy." She half-smiled.
"Need any meds?"
Jay shook her head. "No, not anymore."
The couple was silent then, simply watching each other – though Jay's eyes seem to be slightly droopy while Alex's were wide open. She smiled at him and he instantly smiled back, though it was weak and his lips seemed to quiver. She was getting weaker. So much weaker.
That meant that her time was almost up.
They'd been driving around, going to random places and taking as many pictures as possible with either of their phones. They were basically running; running like time was chasing them – which it was. Only, it wasn't chasing them, it was chasing her.
Jay had given Jack and the other guys a ring the other day, as promised, and when she went back to Alex, she seemed completely fine. It was only when they were cuddled up in a motel bed that she broke down, crying and finally saying things that he would've expected any other person to say when they found out that they'd relapsed. She said it wasn't fair that it had to happen to her, that she'd suffered enough and by her having cancer and numbered days, she was giving so many other people grief.
Thing was, she honestly only wanted to get better so that everyone else wouldn't be so upset.
But she rejected the proposition of going through chemotherapy again, because she knew that it would probably be useless. The second time that she'd been diagnosed, it was already practically too late. She was at stage 4 and nothing could really stop it then. They could try, but they would probably only be giving Jay more pain and slowing down the whole 'dying' thing.
As much as Alex didn't want her to leave the Earth, he didn't want to see her suffer for nothing. Given a choice, he would just opt to take the exact same route as they had taken instead of forcing her to go for chemo.
This was Jay's decision, and though Alex absolutely fucking hated the decision that she'd made, he respected it. It was better for him to just accept the decision that she'd made, respect it, and then spend her last days with her – which was exactly what he did.
"Can you promise me something?" Jay asked quietly, blinking her eyes slowly.
"Anything." Alex breathed out immediately, scooting closer to her and wrapping an arm around her shoulder.
She smiled weakly, manoeuvring herself so that her head lay on his chest and a palm was feeling the constant beat of his heart. "I want you to promise to not let my... death... screw up your life."
Alex let out a humourless laugh, leaning down to kiss her hair. "I can't promise you that. Because you're my life, and when you're gone.... I – I don't know what I'll do."
"You'll move on." She said quietly, tilting her head back so that her head was now resting on her shoulder as green eyes connected to brown ones.
"I can't –"
"You mean you wouldn't want to." Jay retorted, smiling slightly. "'Lex, you're an amazing guy, and I want another girl to be able to know what an amazing guy you are, too. You're not even 26 yet and you're already married, and I'm not going to be around anymore and –" she sighed, closing her eyes. "It's not fair to you. I want you to move on, to find happiness in someone else. To love someone else the way that you've loved me for the past five most amazing years of my life."
Alex looked at her for a moment, his eyes glassy. "I can't." He croaked out. "I'll never be able to. I – I've given away my heart and my soul to you and I don't think – I don't think I want it back." He replied honestly. "I don't need another woman to make me happy because you're all that I've ever wanted and needed. And you're all that I'll ever want and need."
"I'm not asking you to forget me. I'm just, y'know, asking you to try and replace me." She shrugged her shoulders lightly, giving him a weak half-smile.
"I never thought I'd ever hear my wife tell me to replace her." He teased, hoping to lift the tension in the air that blanketed them.
"I never thought you'd ever get a wife." She teased next, making him let out a mock-offended gasp.
"Joke's on you 'cause, um, you're my wife."
Jay pouted, frowning. "Dammit. Why did I agree to marry you, again?"
"Because you luuuurrve me."
Jay smiled softly up at him, lifting herself up to gently kiss her lips. "That I do."
Alex sighed in content, tightening his arm around her for a millisecond before letting go. He didn't want to hurt her. He never wanted to hurt her.
"I wish I could take your pain away."
"You can't."
"I wish I could be the one dying, instead of you."
"Don't say that." Jay chided, hitting him lightly in the chest with the back of her hand. "You were meant to live, to do great things. You're meant to change lives – and you have. The amount of kids that look up to you and see you as their hero... That's why you should be alive. I've never done much in my twenty-five years. I s'pose if we had a choice, that either one of us had to be the one getting sick, I'd still pick me."
"But what about me?" Alex whispered. "What about who I look up to? What about who I see as my hero? Why can't she live and stay by my side till we grow old and sit in parks, yelling at the teenagers about their fancy new gadgets and shit?"
Jay managed a small laugh at that, though it ended with a cough. Even then, Alex managed a smile. It had been an inside thing amongst them since they were merely best friends. They always spoke of a day in which they'd be old with greying hairs and missing teeth, where they'd go to the park and yell at teenagers about their new gadgets – gadgets that were, hopefully by then, hover boards and things like that. Alex and Jay weren't even together at that time so they were planning the day that they'd do that where they would both be with their respective other halves.
"Hey, Alex?"
"Yeah, baby?"
"Can you promise me something?" She asked again.
Alex shrugged half-heartedly. "Maybe."
"Stop worrying." She said, earning a confused look from the male. "I want you to stop worrying so much about the future – about how you think life will suck and all that, because I know that's what you're thinking. I know you."
Alex smiled. She was right, though. He was, literally, just then thinking about how much life was going to suck without his other half. Sure, he still had the guys and tons of concerts to play but the fact that Jay wouldn't be around anymore terrified him to no end and it made him miserable.
"I want you to live day by day. Stop thinking so much. You always overthink things and sometimes I want to get inside your head just to make you stop. Stop worrying about your future – you'll be fine. You're in a successful band with your best friends and you've got an absolutely dedicated fan base that freaking adore you. Just... Live free. Don't become a shell of who you once was just because of what's to happen. Be the reckless Alex Gaskarth that I was best friends with since I was a baby. Be the overactive and immature Alex Gaskarth that I fell head over heels in love with. Be the stupid and rather impulsive Alex Gaskarth that I married. Live day by day and stop worrying so much."
"Can you promise me that?"
"It'll be hard." Alex eventually replied.
"But you'll try?" She asked, a weak smile along her lips as her eyes started to flutter close with a small yawn emitting from her mouth.
Alex nodded. "Yeah, I'll try. Get some rest. I love you."
"I love you more."
"I love you most."
-----
Jack awoke to the sound of his phone ringing. He groaned in annoyance, blindly slapping at his bedside table to get the phone and politely – okay, maybe not so politely – ask the caller to fuck off and call back at a more decent hour. Once he finally opened his eyes, the glaring lime green and blurry numbers stared back at him, reading 7.19AM.
"What?" He snapped into the phone, not even bothering to check the caller i.d. or to give a pleasant good morning to them.
There was nothing that responded to him, apart from the soft sounds of someone breathing heavily. It sounded like a kid was trying to prank call him and Jack was just about to tell the kid off when he identified the sound of the person sobbing.
"Uh... Hello?" Jack tried, slowly sitting up and pulling on his glasses. Still no reply. He pulled the phone away, his frown deepening as the name Alex Gaskarth lit up on his phone. "Alex? Is that you?"
"Help me." Alex whispered, immediately making Jack's mind and body jolt awake.
"What happened?" Jack demanded, getting to his feet to pull on a set of sweatpants and a hoodie. He didn't know where Alex was, but Alex was his best friend and he would drive for three hours if it meant that he'd be able to help him.
"She's gone." Alex sobbed, halting Jack's movements from where he'd just pulled out a hoodie from his closet.
"W-w-what?" He croaked out, feeling tears brim his eyes.
"She's gone, Jack. She's gone. She's dead." Alex yelled. "I could've helped her! I should've fucking helped her! Why didn't you tell me to get her to the hospital?! If you did, or if someone did then she wouldn't be dead! She should've fucking gone for the chemo! I should've forced her to go for chemo! You should've forced her to go for chemo! Why the fuck didn't you force her to go for chemo?! Why, Jack, why?!"
He sounded angry. He was angry, just not at Jack. Jack knew Alex long enough to know that Alex was angry at everyone and no one in particular. He was just so angry.
"She's dead, Jacky." Alex sobbed, sniffling at the same time. "She's dead and it's all my fucking fault."
Jack blinked, not bothering to wipe away the tears that stained his cheeks. He sank down to the ground, his back leaning against the door of his closet. "I –"
"I held her in my arms when she died, Jack. I – I should've woken up and brought her to the hospital last night but I didn't and I – I thought she'd still be alive today. I thought she still had a few more days but I –" Alex couldn't finish his sentence and Jack was sure that he was either on the verge of having a panic attack or he was already having one.
"I – I'm sorry." Jack eventually whispered.
"I am, too, Jacky. I am, too."