Forever and More

[005]

Alex smiled out at the crowd as they cheered – screamed at the top of their lungs would be more accurate, to be honest. It was their first show since their two month break, and it was the first show since everything.

The show had gone rather perfectly, and Alex didn't doubt that Flyzik was probably doing a little happy dance in his heart at how none of them had fucked up.

Yet.

This was them. One of them was sure to fuck up sometime.

But in the current moment, everything was okay. Jack's dick jokes were as stupid as ever, Zack was... not as quiet as usual. Rian's drumming was amazing, as always. And Alex's voice was okay, for the most part.

He was rather proud of himself for not letting his voice crack during certain songs written about the love of his life. Even if it did crack, the fans, his band mates, the crew members – they all pretended to not notice.

The only thing that was different about this show was that Alex didn't talk much. Apart from when Jack and Zack blatantly directed a question over at him, he only went to the microphone when he had to sing. The banter, for the night, was handed over to Jack and Zack – the usually ever-so-quiet bassist.

The guys had been nothing but amazing towards him ever since that day. Jack had been an amazing best friend, telling people to stop hovering over him like he was a fragile piece of glass since he knew that Alex absolutely detested it when people did that. Rian was the person he spoke to a lot; the one that he called up countless amounts of times, to cry about how heart broken he really felt. Zack was the one that gave him advice. Though quiet, he was probably the wisest of them all, and Zack didn't try to apologise or tell him pointless things.

Zack just told him the truth. The cold, hard truth.

-----

"You're not okay. You're not going to be okay. But that's okay, do you know why?" Zack asked.

Alex blinked up at him, his eyes glassy. "Because I'm a wimp?"

Zack snorted. "Fuck no. It's because you're a fucking human being. You're allowed to hurt, you're allowed to kick and scream, you're allowed to want to hate people, you're allowed to cry. You've been through hell and everyone would understand if you're being a little bitch for the next few months."

Alex managed a small laugh at that, making the muscled man smile.

"Look, 'Lex," Zack started, sighing a bit. "You're not okay right now, but eventually you will be okay. I can promise you that. Maybe right now you don't think so, but I assure you: you will be okay again."

"But what am I supposed to do when I don't even feel like living anymore?" Alex whispered.

"Then you live for her. You play the shows as though she's the only one watching. You write the songs, as though she'd be jamming out to them while she's up there. You do things, and you keep her in mind. But you don't give up, okay? I know you want to just... End it, but please, please don't." Zack practically begged. "You're not the only one who lost her, Alex. We all did. But it's harder on you, and we all get that. But we need you, too. Rian needs you. Jack needs you. Flyzik needs you. Vinny and Danny and Evan and every one of your friends need you. I need you. The fans need you."

"But who I need is Jay. What am I supposed to do then, Zack? How do I stop... Stop this - this p-pain in my chest? How do I stop it?" Alex ended off as a whisper.

"You can't." Chimed in another voice, making both men turn towards the doorway where a teary-eyed skunk-haired male stood, his expression stern and filled with determination. "I know you miss her, man. I miss her, too. We all do. But if you miss her, if you think about ending your fucking life just so that you could be with her, I want you to use your big brain and think first."

Jack paused, and Alex simply stared back up at him.

"Would Jordan want that?" Jack asked softly.

Alex was silent for a moment before he, eventually, cast his eyes downward, shaking his head just the slightest bit. "No. No, she wouldn't."

Jack made a small hum of agreement as he went up to the other male. "You're my best friend, 'Lex, and I want you to know that you're not alone in this. I'll always be here, as will Zack and Rian and Flyzik and Vinny and – shit, all of us, man. We're here for you."

"I miss her, Jack. I miss her so fucking much." Alex sobbed, clinging onto the younger male.

Jack nodded, letting a few stray tears roll down his cheeks. "I know, 'Lex. I know." He hushed, petting down the elder's hair, because he knew that no matter what he said, it wouldn't stop the aching pain in the elder's chest.

-----

At the last chord and beat of the drum of Dear Maria, Count Me In, the lights went off, the screams of the crowd not getting any softer. The guys had thanked the crowd before they played their last song, so the crowd figured that they'd probably come back out for an encore.

When a single spotlight came back on, though, the cheers quietened down as they all took in their idol with an acoustic in hand. He had a small smile on his lips, but anyone could see that he wasn't really actually happy.

Alex held the microphone in his hand and he ruffled up his hair, not knowing what to say. He'd thought it through, and he really wanted to play the song, but he didn't know what he should tell the fans.

"I, uh, I really don't know what to say." Alex admitted with a small, sheepish laugh, earning laughter back from the fans.

A couple of the fangirls started to shout for him to play Remembering Sunday, making him frown. He got that they wanted him to play a certain song, but one would never realise how fucking annoying it was to have someone to shout at them to play a certain song when they already had a song in mind.

He waited for the shouts and cheers to die out a bit before he brought the microphone to his lips once more. "I, uh, I figured I'd be honest with you. You guys are like my family and you deserve an explanation for my shitty attitude on stage."

"So, um, this past couple of weeks has been the worst two weeks I've ever experienced in my whole entire life. Some good things happened, though. For starters, I got married." He half-smiled at the surprised gasps. He let out a small laugh. "That was the highlight of the two weeks. And by highlight, I don't mean it in a bad way. My wedding was the best thing that's ever happened to me. I'm not shitting you about getting married." Alex showed them his ring finger, in which the silver and gold band sat proudly.

"Most of you know Jordan, right?" He asked, receiving cheers in response. "She's, uh," Alex gulped. "She's up in Heaven, partying it up with John Lennon and Tupac and Michael Jackson and The Rev and Mitch Lucker right now, probably." He breathed a chuckle, ignoring the shocked gasps coming from the fans.

"She's the best thing that has ever happened to me, and being married to her for, like, four days, was the best four days of my life. The pleasure of being able to call her Mrs. Gaskarth... That was the best thing ever." He swallowed the lump in his throat, using the back of his hand to wipe at his eyes.

"I, um, I have a point to this. I'm not just telling you this to get pity or whatever because I don't want that shit. Keep it for other people." He half-heartedly joked.

"What I wanna say is... Life is fucking unfair. Bad things happen to good people, the worst things in life come free to us, and you need to start appreciating how precious life is. Start appreciating every fucking moment you're alive because... Well, you're alive, aren't you? One day, you're gonna wake up, taking everything for granted and what if, God forbid, you get into an accident? You're gonna realise, right before the moment you take your last breath, that you weren't thankful enough. That you could've done something to make your life better, happier. You could've done something to help someone. But you didn't, because we are all selfish machines who only care about ourselves.

"You are born and then you die, but in between, you can do anything you want. So go tell that girl or guy that you like, that you like them and fucking kiss them or something, because they might not be alive the next day. I got married to the girl of my dreams, knowing that her days were numbered. Even though I told myself that it'll just make this whole 'letting go' shit harder, I did it anyway. And it's just a flimsy marriage certificate and a set of rings, but it's the best feeling that I've ever felt. Life's short, so do what you want, love whoever you want to love and believe whatever you want to believe.

"Just... Be yourselves, and fuck everything else. Start living day by day; stop worrying so much about your future." Alex finished, a tear or two running down his cheeks as he finished his speech with the second-to-last thing he'd heard – and would ever hear – Jay say to him.

The tears that were running down his cheeks were nothing compared to the fans that he could see, though. Even the guys in the crowd were tearing up – those that came with their girlfriends/boyfriends clinging onto each other as though, if they were to let go, they'd disappear.

"I'm gonna do a cover now, if that's alright with you." He said, finally placing the microphone back in its stand, once he'd composed himself. Alex settled down on the stool, adjusting the guitar on the lap. "This song is called Ever Enough and it's by a band called A Rocket To The Moon."

Alex began strumming, hoping to anyone who would listen that his voice would be steady and that it wouldn't crack.

I will always be yours forever and more
Through the push and the pull
I still drown in your love
And drink 'til I'm drunk
And all that I've done
Is it ever enough?

For all that it's worth, is it worth it?
Is it ever enough?
How could we know without searching?
Is it ever enough?

"I love you, Jordan Alexandria Gaskarth, and I will love you till the day I die and meet you in Heaven. Save me a spot up there, and I'll see you when I see you."