I Won't Forget

Your eyes trailed down to the two cups of tea you'd made earlier. One was completely void of any liquid and one was nearly overflowing. You only needed one, you reminded yourself, but you'd gotten so accustomed to preparing two cups, it was almost natural instinct. You weren't sure when it had become a habit, you just knew you were used to another presence and now that it was gone, you weren't sure what to do.

Pulling your knees up to your chest, you murmured the words to the sad tune that echoed throughout the bedroom. Rain pounded against the windows and it made the mood even more depressing. You brought the cup to your lips and attempted to take a sip but quickly realized you were unable to swallow. You haven't had anything to drink nor have you eaten during these last few days. You shrugged it off saying you didn't have much of an appetite but you knew it was something else.

You glanced at the clock wondering how long had it been? Days? Weeks? Months? It all felt the same. You dreaded every passing minute because it just meant another moment without him. But every minute brought a wave of loneliness that never failed to consume you.

Voices flooded your mind telling you to move on but you couldn't. If you moved on, you'd find someone else and make new memories. If you made new memories, you'd forget old ones. If you forgot old memories, you'd forget him. You promised you'd never forget him. And you don't break promises.

Tears began to blur your vision and you wiped them away with the sleeve of his sweater. You reckon you've been wearing it for three days now and no matter how much you needed a shower, you refused to take it off. Showers were negligible, in your opinion. You weren't leaving your home any time soon.

Your slender fingers curved around the remote, pressing the button and switching the song on the stereo. It was only when soft harmonies emerged from the speakers that you began bawling again. No matter how hard you willed away the tears, more kept replacing them. Just last night, your mother told you that he wasn't worth wasting all of your tears for so you kicked her out of your apartment and cried a little more, or a lot more.

Everyone told you that he'd want you to be happy but you couldn't help but know no one knew what Jack would want. You were the only one Jack confided in and that in itself was a blessing and a curse. Sure, it meant any secrets you told him would be kept between the two of you, but it also meant anything he didn't tell you, he kept to himself. That made you cry even more for your fallen lover.

Any little detail that you yearned to learn about Jack were now sealed under six feet of soil.

Nevertheless, you could still dwell on the things you already knew.

You recalled his favorite color and animal. You could remember how Dammit by Blink 182 was his favorite song to play on the guitar. You remembered a lot of things about him. Basic things, but they still counted. Of course there were the more important memories, ones you made sure to keep safe.
You smiled as you remembered how you and Jack met. It was your favorite and you reasoned that you'd never forget.

-

That stupid little coffee shop you worked at had been empty for nearly the entire day and you were ready to grab your coat and leave. Your greasy boss convinced you and your idiotic co-worker to stay until closing, which was in ten minutes and needed to hurry up.

Jess rolled her eyes at you as soon as he left and told you to grab your coat anyway. She was in charge of closing up and decided her time (and yours) was too precious to waste on this place. You agreed to her plan like always and threw on your coat before grabbing your backpack. It weighed three thousand pounds (probably) and you'd much rather leave it, but unfortunately, school is kind of important.

"Lex, we've got a straggler," she murmured with a roll of her green eyes (that you secretly envied). You chuckled at her use of your nickname and turned to see who showed up and ruined your plans. She disappeared somewhere in the back, leaving you to deal with the customer. Jess always did that, you weren't surprised.

You didn't really know it then but the moment you turned around would change your life forever, regardless of how cliche that sounds. Now that you look back on it, you wish you would've left sooner. You wouldn't have been caught up in the mess known as Jack Barakat.

He stood there with a puppy dog expression and a guitar in hand. He was a bit taller than you were and you could tell that his back was hunched forward.

Your eyes were drawn to that guitar and you smiled shyly. "You play?" You learned how to play awhile back and ever since, you've been searching for another person that could too.

He nodded gleefully and smiled at you, unknowingly killing you on the inside. Maybe you were gay and maybe you weren't. Maybe you were just quite picky. Maybe you just liked nice smiles.

"Do you, Lex?" he questioned, Jess' nickname for you escaping his lips. A smirk appeared on your face as you nodded right back to him. That quite possibly be the exact moment when you decided you might like to spend the rest of your life with him.

-

Your train of thought paused as you let out a small laugh.

"Remember that, Jack?" you spoke out loud, in hopes that maybe he could hear you wherever he was. It came out weakly, seeing as you haven't actually spoken in days.

You took a sip of the cold tea that was still on the table before frowning. It was his tea and you drank it. You put it back and curled up into the fetal position yet again. "I'm sorry," you whispered. "I know you like having your own tea, Jack."

Maybe it was a waste that you were trying to talk to him. After all, it wasn't as if he could respond back and say that he was listening. Deciding that he could possibly hear you after all, you kept speaking.

"The first time you addressed me, you called me by that stupid nickname," you spoke, slightly annoyed by the memory but laughing all the same. "Even afterwards you kept calling me Lex or Lexy. I really don't know if you even knew my real name." You fiddled with your fingers tentatively. "But you must have, you knew everything," you whispered.

-

He grinned as he slung the worn guitar strap over his shoulder. Long fingers settled onto the strings and began playing a tune that was insanely familiar to you.

"Dammit by Blink," you commented, "nice choice."

Your eyes kept a steady gaze on his as he crinkled his eyes in laughter. "Did my shirt give it away?" he asked. You didn't even notice his shirt, a cringy Blink one that you almost bought but decided against it.

"Definitely," you joked. "Now, you must be here for some reason, did you want something?"

He shook his head and motioned to the door. "Roads are closed. I was actually sitting in my car freezing half to death until I realized people were in here. Decided I could warm up here."

You walked over to one of the windows and realized you were, in fact, snowed in. You groaned and sat down in one of the old chairs, your head nestled in your hands. Getting home was essential but you couldn't leave him here alone and you definitely weren't going to even try driving in this weather.

A hand slapped you on the back and you lifted your head to see the attractive stranger.

"Cheer up, Lexy baby. It won't be so bad. At least you've got me to keep you company," he assured you. A wide smile was painted on his face and it took everything in you not to meet him with the same grin.

Raising an eyebrow, you snorted. "Was that supposed to make me be okay with staying?"

Feigning horror, the stranger with the blond streak in his hair let out a gasp. "You mean to tell me you're not ecstatic about staying with me for a whole night? Me? Jack Bassam Barakat? Excuse me?"

With a serious face, you shook your head. "Jack Bassam Barakat, I, Alexander William Gaskarth, will never be ecstatic about staying with you for a whole night."

-

"I said my first lie to you that night. Truth is, I was ecstatic. I mean, you were easily the hottest guy I've ever met," you laughed.

You snuggled more into his sweater and pulled the sleeves over your hands. "You remember what happened though, don't you? I mean we spent the night singing songs and drinking hot chocolate. How could you forget?"

You didn't forget. You wouldn't forget. That entire night was easily the best night you've ever had and even now, only two nights have topped it.

"You asked me out that night, Jack," you muttered. "Decided that you wanted to take me on a date. Still don't know why you did that, but I'm glad you did." You paused and took in a deep breath. "Really glad, Jack Barakat." The music still played softly in the background and the rain had stopped now. Sun rays shined in from the window and were aimed at your face, ultimately drying up the tears that were there previously.

Biting your lip in thought, your mind scanned over a billion memories. "Remember our first date? Haha, another day I won't forget. You took me to the park and it was a disaster." A laugh escaped your lips and your head rolled back in amusement. "I wouldn't trade that day for the world, Jack-O."

-

"Jack," you whined. You and Jack have been driving for awhile now and your asshat of a boyfriend still wouldn't tell you where you were going. You were starting to get a little tired but he insisted that you stay up and enjoy the ride.

Your hands were intertwined and he looked over at you, smiling softly. "You're beautiful, Lexy," he whispered. You slowly melted on the inside but attempted to disguise how much of an affect he had on you. You punched Jack lightly in the shoulder and let out a snort.

"Shut up, Jack, I'm not," you said in a serious tone. Jack just smiled, knowing it was pointless to fight with you. You were so stubborn and usually, Jack was just as stubborn as you, but now and then, he let you win.

The car ride was mostly silent so you thought maybe music would lighten the mood. Your hands found Jack's iPod and you scrolled through the songs attempting to find a good one.

You paused as your eyes caught a familiar, but misplaced, album. "Jack, what's this?" you questioned, stifling a laugh.

"Hm?" he asked, glancing at the iPod. "That?! Haha, um...no, that was an accident, sort of," he muttered, whispering that last part.

You couldn't help but grin and press a kiss to Jack's scruffy cheek. You clicked on the song and laughed loudly as Everything About You by One Direction pumped through the car's speakers. Sure, you hated this pop band, or so you lead everyone to believe, but you'd forgive him anyway. But only because it's Jack.

"You know I've always got your back, boy, so let me be the one you come running to, running to, r-r-running..." Jack sung loudly, hanging his head outside of the window. You grabbed his arm and pulled him in. You were almost embarrassed to be with him. Except you weren't because no one meant as much to you as jack did.

"You're an idiot," you giggled. And really, he was an idiot. Just your idiot.

"And you're cute," Jack replied. Jack showered you with compliments on a daily basis and no matter how often he said it, a blush never failed to appear on your cheeks.

"No," you insisted. Jack shushed you and pressed a finger to your lips.

"It's the chorus, babe," he murmured. You shook your head at him, not quite believing this is the one you're dating. "It's everything about you, you, you, everything that you do, do, do, from the way that we touch, baby, to the way that you kiss on me, it's everything about you, you, you," he shouted at the top of his lungs, earning himself looks from the neighboring cars. He looked genuinely happy and that, in turn, made you happy as well.

-

You lowered the volume on the stereo. Maybe he could hear you better when it was down, you weren't quite sure how this worked. Honestly, you weren't sure if anything was working. Maybe you were just talking to thin air. You didn't know anything but decided to go along with it anyway.

"I miss our sing alongs, Jack," you spoke aloud. "We stayed up for hours at night singing along to Disney songs. Remember? That one from Pocahontas was your favorite. I can't remember how it goes, to be honest. I can't remember a lot of things. I remember how happy you were when you sung it though. You used to go all out and use your hair brush as a microphone. You were always the happiest when you sung, even though you were tone-deaf."

"Y'know what else I miss? Your dancing," you giggled. "You were awful at it, but you still were the cutest little thing I've ever seen. I swear you had two left feet, but you couldn't have, you stole my shoes so often. I guess it's fair though, I've borrowed your clothes countless times."
Birds chirped from outside and you took it as a sign that maybe he was listening. All in all, the birds never chirped until Jack came along and they never stopped until he left. Taking a deep breath, you laid on your side, knees curled up to your chin. "Most of all, I miss you, Barakat."

-

Once you both had gotten to the park, Jack decided he'd take the lead and carry you bridal style to the place where he set the blanket. That was the most romantic thing ever, you thought. You've dreamed of it happening, and it did. It probably would've worked better if he didn't trip though.

"Jack!" you squealed as you both fell to the ground. Jack still had his arms around you and he pulled you closer to him, kissing your nose.

"Sorry I dropped you," he sheepishly said. His brown eyes were full of regret, as if he dropped a china plate and smashed it. You may have been delicate, as he's told you a million times, but you were alright in the end.

"S'ok, Jack-O. It was an accident, you didn't mean it," you told him. He replied with a grin and grabbed your hand to help you up. Your hands remained locked together as he lead you to a blanket covered in food and rose petals. You remember crying because no one had ever done anything like that before. Jack was there to kiss away the tears though.

You don't remember Jack being more than a foot away from you the whole day. That was the best part of the date. He fed you grapes and you force fed him carrots, or "Satan's dick" as he commonly referred it to as. Sure, it required you to sit on his lap and hold him down, but neither of you were complaining. Well, maybe Jack was, but just a bit.

Once it got dark, Jack insisted that you stay and look at the stars. Except you were in the city and there wasn't much to see. A few stars were littered here and there, but that was all. That never stopped Jack from making up dumb constellations anyway.

"Look Lex, that's a snake," he pointed out. You followed his finger and looked into the sky. Why you believed him, you didn't know, but all you saw was a mess of stars.

"Shut up, Jack, stop making up constellations," you laughed.

He pouted and pointed again. "I'm naming that star Alex Gaskarth. It's the prettiest one there, just like you," he whispered. You looked at him and he pulled you close, pressing his lips to yours. You've shared plenty of kisses beforehand, but this was something different. Both of you could feel it.

"It probably has a name, Jack," you said matter-of-factly as soon as you broke away from him.

"Doubt it."

-

You sighed heavily. "You got that star named after me for our second official date. I still have the papers hung up next to your side of the bed. I still see it sometimes and you were right, it is the brightest, but I would've much rather named it after you."

The papers were framed. Jack thought they deserved to be. He always made everything more special then they were. Everything was special in Jack's eyes and everything was a celebration.

"We had a bunch of great dates, baby," you began. "I liked when you taught me to swim. You're an awful teacher, by the way. You wanted to teach me how to swim, but who was going to teach you, Jack?" That always made you laugh. He was so persistent on teaching you to keep your head above water that he completely forgot that he didn't know how.

You both ended up almost drowning in six feet of water that day. There were little kids swimming around in twelve feet and neither of you could even float in six feet. You both laughed about it later on, but it was incredibly embarrassing. All of your friends laughed at you, but it was all in good fun. Besides, you got back at them later when you stole all of their clothes from the locker room.

"Remember the zoo? You got chased by an alpaca. You really shouldn't have thrown peanuts at it. I don't think alpacas even like peanuts, Jack. It chased you all throughout the petting zoo and you almost ran over a small child. I think I have it on tape somewhere, actually," you informed the atmosphere. "It was one of the most recent dates we had where we didn't fight. Especially not as bad as our last one."

You didn't mean to bring that up. That was the worst thing you could mention. You tried to retrogress and erase the mistake of mentioning that event but the tears began to fall anyway.

Then you remembered everything.

-

You paced around the room trying to make sense of it all. Your head was a puzzle and the thoughts were pieces that were scattered everywhere. No matter how hard you tried, you couldn't fit anything together.

"Jesus Christ, Alex. I didn't cheat on you! I swear!" Jack shouted at you.

And you wanted to believe him, you did. But you couldn't. Everything added up and everything made sense. Late nights, clothes and shoes you've never seen before and were sure they weren't his, thousands of dollars going missing, it all lead up to it.

"You did, Jack, I know you did. Stop lying!" you screamed back. He'd changed. He stopped singing, he rarely kissed you, you barely talked to him anymore. He was not the Jack you fell in love with, no matter how much you wanted him to be. Tears were flooding down your face and you hated to admit it, but you felt guilty. You knew you had to stand your ground though. You wouldn't let anyone walk over you, even Jack. Especially Jack.

He took your hands in his and looked into your eyes. "Lex, I'd never do that. I love you." And so you stared at him. Looking into his eyes, you saw the Jack Barakat from the coffee shop. The one that sang along to silly songs and danced in the rain just because he could. You saw the Jack that kissed you and complimented you because he couldn't believe that you loved him. You saw the Jack you fell in love with three years ago.

But it just didn't seem real. You knew it wasn't the same anymore and as much as you wanted to believe that everything was alright, that everything was normal again, you couldn't do it.

"Say you believe me," he begged. Every memory flashed before your eyes. The coffee shop, the park, the zoo, the pool, all of it. You realized you wouldn't let him hurt you.

Not him.

"I'm sorry, Jack," you whispered. "I'm sorry, I can't." And you were telling the truth, you really couldn't do it. But oh, how you wished you were lying to yourself. You prayed that you didn't feel that way, but you did.

And thus you said the words that you thought would never come out of your mouth.

"I don't love you, Jack Barakat."
-

That was the last thing you said to him before he left.

"I said my second lie to you that night, Jack Barakat. I did love you. I do love you. I will always love you," you sobbed quietly. It was dark now and the sun had set, leaving you to be alone in your dark living room. The apartment was eerily quiet save for the sound of your tears hitting the floor. It felt like he was there, but you were sure he was gone. Why would he stay when you broke his heart? But he loved you anyway, even when you tried to convince yourself that you didn't love him back.

"I didn't know exactly what love was at the time, but I know I love you with every fiber of my being. I love your skunk hair and your scruffy beard. I love your hugs and kisses. I love the way you're completely transfixed by music when you play the guitar. I love the way you insisted on buying matching Halloween costumes every year, even though you played the female character twice. I love your smile and your laugh. I love how caring and sincere you are, no matter how awful the person was to you. I love how cuddly you are and how funny you are. I love how happy you made me and how happy I seemed to make you. I love how you were my other half. There's no Jack and there's no Alex. Only Jack and Alex. Alex and Jack. I love how you were made for me. I love how no one, not even death could tear us apart," you whimpered.

You reasoned you should start using past tense now, but you couldn't bring yourself to do that just yet. You weren't ready. Baby steps, only baby steps.

"I love you, Jack," you whispered. You hoped to whatever god there was that he at least heard that.

You remembered the coffee shop once again and that made everything all the more painful. "Jack Bassam Barakat, I, Alexander William Gaskarth, will never be ecstatic about staying with you for a whole night, but I will be ecstatic about staying with you for a lifetime," you told him. "I'm not leaving yet, but I'll come for you Jack Barakat, if it's the last thing I do."

You pulled a blanket off the floor and wrapped it around you so that you were surrounded by darkness and warmth. Maybe it wasn't him that was holding you, but you could pretend for right now.

"Jack Barakat, you were the best thing that's ever happened to me. I love you, angel."