The Difficulties of Love

It all started when he stepped in front of a boggart and realised that his worst fear could not be transformed into something visible. In fact, he thought to himself later on as he sat in Transfiguration, it was rather difficult to even put into words.

He was in love, and it was the most terrifying feeling in the world. And sure, the boggart could have transformed into an oversized, red, veiny heart, but that didn’t seem to quite sum up his fear.

His fear was that he wouldn’t be loved back. And as completely unrealistic as some would say that that fear was – he was, after all, Sirius Black -- he couldn’t help but to worry. Because as much as he hated to admit it… well, there wasn’t much of a chance that his feelings were returned.

And as he sat in Transfiguration, aimlessly doodling pictures of Snivellus in his underpants on his parchment, he felt his stomach sink lower than it ever had before. It sank so low that he began to feel sick, and with a groan he dropped his quill against the desk, restlessly running his fingers through his already messy dark hair. Quickly glancing at his friend beside him, he let out a deep sigh when he saw that James was heavily fixated on watching Lily Evans at the table opposite.

Really… he didn’t know how James did it.

Love bloody sucked.

---

"I love you."

Grey eyes blinked back at him, eyelids clenched ever-so-slightly and irises smothered with disdain. “I like you.” The face screwed up in disgust, letting out an angry groan as it closed its eyes in apparent exasperation. “Honestly… is there any possible way to do this without sounding like an absolute git?”

The empty room surrounding him did not respond. Staring into the mirror, he was almost considering adding crazy to his current title of love-struck fool. "Hey, man, I think you’re pretty fantastic, you know, not in an I-want-to-ravish-you way, but more of a…. I’d-like-to-accompany-you-to-dinner-and-kiss-you-before-bed kinda way.” His reflection looked horrified. “That’s only if you… er… wanted to kiss?”

Groaning he took a step away from the mirror, glancing anxiously around the room to make sure it was still empty. Confident that no one was around to watch him make an absolute twat out of himself, he continued. “Hey Moony, I think you’re banging, wanna snog?”

Okay, he knew that that one was terrible. Running his fingers through his hair anxiously, he straightened his back, trying to appear more confident in the hope that it would increase his ability. “I think… well… I think I might like yo-“

"Merlin this is sad," a voice said from behind him.

Startled, Sirius let out a yelp, cheeks flushing a furious red as he turned around with his heart hammering ferociously in his chest. He had expected the worst, really – James with a camera, Moony with a horrified expression, Peter laughing his arse off – but surprisingly, the room was empty.

Maybe he was crazy.

"Oi lover boy, up here!" came the voice again.

Affronted, Sirius’ eyes snapped to the wall, immediately catching sight of a man in what appeared to be knight’s armour, staring at him from the painting. The painting was rather beautiful, really, with its luscious rose bushes and its bright, sun-painted sky. The man in it, however, was rather not.

"Oh yeah? Well you do better,” Sirius said, quite aggravated and embarrassed at being caught.

The man in the painting stepped forward, reaching for a rose from his garden before placing his hand over his chest dramatically. “Oh Moony, heavenly sun in the sky, my angel, my surreptitious, masculine lover, how I love you more than the moon at night, how I crave you more than th-“

Sirius walked out of the room, slamming the door shut behind him.

"Better than yours," came the muffled, offended voice from inside the room.

Sighing, Sirius walked down the staircase, heading back towards the Gryffindor Common Room. Maybe he wouldn’t tell him. Maybe he would simply pretend that the feeling wasn’t there, that he didn’t spend his nights thinking about how cute Remus looked when he blushed, his head lowered slightly, his bright eyes blinking fervently. That he didn’t find himself watching the fellow Marauder, wondering what it would be like to kiss him, contemplating reaching towards him and grabbing his mousy hair, pulling him closer and snogging him in the middle of the classroom, in front of everybody.

That his heart didn’t hurt slightly when Remus got that tortured expression on his face, right before the full moon, as though he could think of nothing worse than himself at that moment. That he didn’t want to tell him that he was perfect, that he loved him even when he was a terrifying, salivating werewolf because he was Moony, his Remus, and even with fur all over his body and teeth large enough to rip him to pieces he was hopelessly, ruddy perfect and that was all there was to it.

That he didn’t care for him like that. That he didn’t think about him most of the time. That he did not – would not, love him. At all.

But he did. He did smile when he saw Remus laughing – not just chuckling, or even giggling, but a loud, ferocious laugh that was so unlike him that those around him could barely believe it. He did think about holding his hand sometimes, when it was resting right next to his, twitching ever so slightly with impatience. He did want to kiss him every now and then, sometimes constantly, sometimes before he went to bed, sometimes while the boy’s head was buried in a book and he was concentrating heavily.

Merlin, he was sounding worse than the Knight. A horror struck look formed on his face. Gods, he was sounding worse than James.

He needed to stop. He needed to stop, take a deep breath and simply stoplovingremuslupin. That was all there was to it. That easy.

Oh but it really, really wasn’t.

---

He came up with the perfect thing to say exactly eleven seconds after kissing him. Really, it wasn’t the most suave thing to do, and he definitely hadn’t planned it. In fact, he could swear that just an hour ago he’d made the decision to not snog Remus Lupin, but all of that had gone out of the door the second he saw him in the Library, his head buried deep inside a book.

Okay, so maybe it wasn’t the most alluring scene ever, and he probably could have gone about it a lot better. But in that moment all he could see was Remus, and all he could think was that he wanted to kiss him; it was a feeling so strong that his heart was burning and his hands were sweating and his mind was racing more furiously than it ever had, more so than it did even in Potions.

All he knew was that he loved him. He loved that lanky, tawny-haired boy with his head buried in a book that Sirius didn’t even want to know the title of and his eyes blinking furiously as he tried to stay awake. And he wanted to kiss him, and so he stepped forward and did, before his friend even knew what he was doing.

It wasn’t the best kiss, but it was perfect. Mostly because Remus seemed to have no idea what Sirius was doing and his mouth was parted awkwardly, not sure what to say or whether to kiss back or whether Sirius had simply fallen on him by accident and Remus was making things awkward by thinking that it was a kiss.

In the end Sirius had pulled away, cheeks flushed a light red as he looked down at his wide-eyed friend. And twelve seconds later, even though he’d thought of the perfect thing to say and the perfect way to say it, he said something different. “So I think I might like you.”

Remus was staring into space, dumbfounded, not quite sure how to react. His hands were clenched tightly around the book in his lap, the title quite obviously forgotten, his heart hammering in his chest as he tried to gather his thoughts. “And you decided this when?” he stammered, blinking rapidly as if to wake himself up.

Sirius frowned, reaching up to scratch at his neck uncomfortably. “Well, when I found that boggart while I was in detention.”

Remus snorted, coming back to his senses. “What, did it turn into me or something?”

Sirius flushed. “Well no, it was more of a… never mind.”

Remus laughed, and it was that loud, Remus laugh that made Sirius smile so widely that his eyes hurt. And he stepped forward, looking at his friend fondly in a way that made Sirius realise that things were okay.

"Who would have thought… the infamous Sirius Black liking somebody like me," Remus said humorously, reaching out to bump his hand against his friend’s lightly.

Sirius grinned, and the two turned and began to walk from the Library, both shocked, but rather content, with the way that things had worked out. “Expect people to be devastated?”

Remus laughed. “James for one. He hasn’t even built up the courage to even talk to Lily yet and you’re out kissing people.”

Smiling, Sirius looked at the boy beside him. “Well, only one person, really.”

Remus flushed furiously and looked away. “I should hope so.”

And that was all that Sirius needed to hear.