Forever Mine

Brandon found himself mindlessly driving the back roads of his hometown, prolonging the visit he was supposed to make nearly two hours ago. He haphazardly took in the scenery, noticing that it all looked relatively the same as the last time he saw it. Somehow, though, driving these roads felt a little different.

For the sixth time in the past hour, he looked over at the bulky envelope he had placed in the cup holder. It had taken him nearly a year to write it and even then, it had been rewritten numerous times before he felt content with giving it away. The pages within the envelope were the very reason he felt the need to go for an excruciatingly long drive; to calm his nerves.

Everything about Hadley made him nervous though. Whenever she was around, she slowly chipped away at his tough exterior. He wasn’t just Brandon Saad the hockey player around her, rather the loving boyfriend that would bend over backwards for her. She had him wrapped around her finger since day one and she didn’t even know it.

The letter, of course, was written to Hadley and it was probably one the most heartfelt, bittersweet things Brandon had ever put so much effort and time into. He could probably recite it word for word, if asked to. He had read over it so many times he had lost count, just to make sure that it perfectly conveyed everything he wanted her to know.

I’ve found myself thinking of you more often as these road trips and games in Chicago carry me farther away from home.

I’ve had so many jumbled up thoughts lately and I keep dwelling on the things that have gone unsaid between us since the last time we’ve talked. Please bare with me here. I’ve tried to coherently string my thoughts and feelings together to write you this letter. It’s a lot harder to than you would think.

I feel like it’s only been days since I’ve last seen you, when in reality it’s been months. This career of mine is so demanding and it kills me that I have to be so far away from you for long periods of time. I know deep down that you understand and are actively encouraging me to chase my dreams, but I wish you could be here with me. This should be our journey together.

Hadley was the type of girl that every guy always dreamed of having in his life. She was sweet, mean when she needed to be, sometimes sassy, easily won over anyone she met, broke through the toughest of guy’s exterior and turned them into the cheesiest goofball. She was the girl every parent adored and everyone wanted as a friend. She brought out a side in people that made her a favorite amongst Brandon’s group of friends and teammates. The best thing though, was that for the longest time she was all his. Even given the circumstances now, he still wouldn’t trade anything in the world for the moments he was lucky enough to share with her.

She was the one girl he knew from the very start that, if asked, he would give up playing hockey for. The way she made him feel was something so much sweeter and rewarding than lifting a trophy ever would be. She was better. She was his Stanley Cup and no one could ever take that away from him.

I’ve missed you more than I could ever put into words. My heart physically hurts more with each day that passes. As the distance between us continuously grows, I truly feel like we’re starting to become worlds a part.

I’ve fully immersed myself into hockey, trying everything I can to shake the thought of you; anything to make the separation easier to cope with. Yet I still lay awake every night, in random hotel rooms across the country, and think about you. Every so often I’m fortunate enough to catch a glimpse of your beautiful face in my dreams and visualize the smile that never ceases to make butterflies form in my stomach. How I got so lucky to end up with a woman like you, I will never know.

I know I’m a cheese ball and reference Shakespeare far too much, but you truly are and always will be my Juliet.

Without even realizing it, Brandon had turned down a road that led to his original destination. His heart started to race and his hands felt clammy against the steering wheel. Glancing down at the envelope once more, he knew what this meant. Whether he drove around for another hour or returned the next day, he would still be faced with the same reaction of mixed emotions.

This was fate telling him he could no longer run from the inevitable.

I know you’d tell me otherwise, but you embody perfection. From the crinkle in your eyes when you laugh to the small birthmark on your lower back that faintly looks like the outline of Tennessee. I miss the softness of your lips against mine when we kiss, the smell of your hair after you get out of the shower, the silkiness of your skin, the sound of your laughter after I’ve cracked the silliest joke, and your dry sense of humor. I just miss everything about you.

It’s literally hell on earth for me without you here, yet miraculously I somehow still find myself able to make it through each day.

The only thing that gets me through the day is knowing that I’ll be seeing you soon enough. I can already hear your laughter as I write this, but each day that passes is another one that gets crossed off of my calendar.

The dirt parking lot was eerily empty as he pulled up to it. Not very many people knew about this specific spot anyways, but it didn’t calm his nerves any less. Brandon sat in his car for quite some time, letting it idle. He should have been elated to see her, but he really wasn’t. This was not how he should be greeting her after such a long absence.

Everything was different. The letter was perfect example of that. It meant so many different things to him. Quite frankly, he wished he had more time; words that had been echoed by so many other people who had passed through this very same field.

It was her favorite spot to get away, relax, cry, and more importantly—be free. This was her sanctuary, her personal oasis. It was where she and Brandon shared many of their firsts. They had their first date, first picnic, and shared their first kiss on that very field. Below the oak tree not too far off from the dirt lot, was where he first told her he loved her and up until last September, where he had planned on asking her to marry him.

Finally, after so much hesitation he willed himself to turn off the ignition. More so, he just wanted to stop thinking.

He reluctantly swung open his car door, but paused when he remembered that he needed the envelope. After all, it was the reason he was there.

Yet another internal battle ensued, but in the end he grabbed the letter as he let his feet dangle out of the door. When he hopped out, he shoved it into his back pocket.

He slowly pushed forward away from his car, keeping his eyes on where he was stepping. He was too stuck in his thoughts, filled with anticipation of seeing Hadley. It wasn’t until the dirt path turned into knee-high grass that he looked up to see what was ahead of him. Farther off in the distance he saw the most obvious thing: the giant oak tree. What was beside it, however, nearly took his breath away.

It was as if time had momentarily stopped. His breath got caught in his throat and butterflies invaded his stomach.

Dancing around the oak tree, throwing leaves into the air, was Hadley in all her glory. The breeze caused backside of her favorite summer dress to whip around in every direction as she twirled in circles. It was quite a site to witness and Brandon took a few moments to take it all in.

Her laughter filled the air and to him it was the sweetest melody he had ever heard. He stared at her in awe and relished in her beauty as the sunlight danced across her face and she smiled radiantly up towards the heavens.

He stayed perfectly still, despite the agonizing need for his legs to shake, fearing that if he moved she would disappear completely. It took Hadley a few minutes to realize she was no longer by herself and when she noticed his figure, she grinned from ear to ear. She planted her feet within the leaves and softly giggled to herself. He was quite a ways away from her, but Brandon still heard it. For a brief moment, both of their eyes locked onto one another’s. Several years’ worth of love evident in a single look and it made Brandon’s heart ache.

She finally held her arms open, inviting him to walk closer and embrace her; silently asking him to run to her and pull her into his chest.

Although apprehensive, I’m so unbelievably excited to come home and be with you again. Drifting from state to state, back and forth between countries, I’ve sort of lost myself along the way. But knowing that I’m coming home to you, the woman of my dreams, I’m certain that I’ll be able to find myself again. You, my love, are my center.

Romeo’s love for Juliet knew no bounds. Although fate unjustly had a devastating way of keeping them a part, I just know that their souls were reunited after their physical beings parted. Their love was everlasting, just like ours.

Every fiber of my being jumps for joy at the thought of seeing you again, whenever fate decides that will be.

He didn’t even think twice before advancing toward her. He ignored everything around him, only focusing on her. He had longed for months to feel the warmth of her petite frame. Out of sheer instinct, he glanced down at the ground to make sure he kept to the dirt trail and didn’t trip over limbs of trees that had fallen into the path during the recent storms. But that proved to be a fatal mistake.

When he looked back up to continue along the path, he was devastated to find that Hadley was gone. In her place was nothing more than a headstone, surrounded by the most beautiful wild flowers.

Brandon turned his head in every direction, searching for any trace of his loved one. It was an automatic response that left him feeling dejected and disappointed.

“Good night, good night! parting is such sweet sorrow. That I shall say good night ‘till it be morrow.”

Hadley, know that it’s never a goodbye, but an ‘I’ll be seeing you tomorrow’. I refuse to admit to such a definite departure.

Reality finally began to sink in and he was hit with an immense feeling of grief. More so than he ever felt when he first heard the news that tore his whole world a part.

She was nothing more than a sweet illusion. A hallucination created by his undying desire to bring her back to life. Like so many times before, he had been fooled by his own mind.

With no other choice, Brandon slowly inched closer to the headstone and stopped at the edge of it. With every step, a part of his sanity slowly chipped away. He took a seat next to it and closed his eyes, running his fingers over the engraved words.

The breeze picked up once more and he caught a whiff of something so familiar. The smell lingered for a few seconds, allowing him a brief moment to revel in what he knew to be the scent of her favorite perfume.

I feel like you’re always close by, even when you’re not physically here. Your infinite happiness envelops me when I start to fall a part at the seams.

Hadley, baby, I would have married you if I had had the chance to. But even now, knowing that I was able to have you in my life at all is more than I could ever ask for.

Like I told you last summer beneath our tree, baby, you’re forever mine. Nothing, not even this, will ever change that.

It was all so surreal to him. Although tears started to cloud his vision and his heart felt heavy, Brandon couldn’t help but half smile. This time, he refused to believe that it was another illusion.

He could feel her presence all around him.

Her laughter was in the whispers of the wind; her distinct smell carried by the breeze; her smile reflected in the brightness of the sun; her carefree spirit emanated by the singing of the birds.

Hadley. His Hadley. She was everywhere.

Know that my love for you is eternal, Hadley. You are my life, my heart, my soul, and my voice of reason.

Remembering why he came to visit her in the first place, he dug his hand into his back pocket and pulled out the folded up letter. He opened it and glanced over his chicken scratch writing. He took a deep breath before reading his written words aloud. His voice faltered only once, but he was determined to get everything he had suppressed over the last year since her passing out in the open. He had a feeling that wherever she was, she was listening.

Towards the end of the letter, he slowly fell a part and crumbled. Saying the words aloud made everything become so much more real. He carefully folded the letter back up after he was done and brought it up to his mouth. He held it against his lips, closing his eyes as he did so, and a brief memory of he and Hadley sharing a soft, sweet kiss flickered before his eyes. Something so small put him at ease.

As the memory faded, he opened his eyes and placed the letter beneath a heavy rock beside her grave. His fingers lingered on the rock for a bit longer before he finally retracted it.

The birds in the oak tree not too far off suddenly began to sing the most beautiful tunes. Brandon heavily sighed and looked up toward the sky, a faint smile forming on his lips. She was gone, but not far.

“I love you too,” he whispered aloud.

You, babe, are the reason I carry on.