Edge of Blackest Night

For a long time I knew nothing but blissful darkness. No sound, no light. I heard nothing, felt nothing, remembered nothing. But it was over too soon. Something inside me woke up; the part of me that rebelled against the darkness. Memories returned first, scattered and confusing. Then I heard voices. At first they sounded muffled and far away, then gained clarity. I recognized one of them. Remi. Yes, it was Remi. She was alive! But why was I so pleased about that? Why wouldn't she be alive? The question broke open the flood gates, and suddenly I was rushing up from the darkness faster. I gripped Remi's hand tightly, now aware that she was holding it. I heard her say my name, and then it all came back. Every excruciating moment. I could hear people bustling around and shouting. I was almost at the surface, and sensation was returning. I wish it hadn't. My body was nothing but pain. Every nerve ending felt like it was on fire. My throat was parched and sore. More voices joined Remi's, who kept saying my name over and over.

God make it stop! my brain shouted. Even more excited voices swirled around me. My eyes flew open. And then I screamed. It came out raspy and hoarse, but it was still a scream. I thrashed wildly, and felt a twinge of pain in my right arm. I kept screaming and kicking while hands reached for me, trying to hold me down. But I was still trapped in that cage of agony; in the memories of that night. The last things I saw and felt before the world went quiet. And waking to find myself helpless on a bed while people held me down was not helping.

"Let go of me!" I clawed at the hands, hating that my irate shout was more like a whisper. Why couldn't I talk? Oh, right. That son of a bitch choked me. I sat up, eyes searching wildly.

"Is he dead?" I asked.

"Lie down, Riley. You pulled your IV out," someone said.

"Is...he...dead?" This time the words came out a little louder.

"Leave her alone!" The room fell silent. Dad. And Jake was with him. Dad stared at me for a moment, then crossed the room and embraced me. I was too startled to respond. When Dad pulled away, he wiped a hand over his face. Jake knelt beside my bed and took my hand in his, staring at me like I was the most amazing thing he'd ever seen.

"You gave us all quite the scare, Riley," Dad said, his voice shaky.

"She's a fighter, this one," one of the nurses remarked. I tensed. "That's what Teddy said," I whispered. "He said that's why he wanted me. Because I was a fighter." I began to shake so violently my teeth chattered.

"Riley? What's wrong?" Remi joined Jake beside me, resting a hand on my arm and looking at me worriedly. My vision went blurry, and then I was falling back into darkness.



The second time I awoke, it was much less painful. My body was still aching, but I no longer felt on fire, and I rose gently from the darkness this time, instead of being ripped from it. I could hear voices again, although this time they were speaking in hushed tones instead of yelling. For that I was thankful. My throat was still parched, and I felt disgusting. I wanted a shower, a toothbrush, and a drink of water.

"I want to go home," I croaked. The voices stopped, and Remi, Dad, and Jake appeared above me.

"You're awake!" Remi said. "How are you feeling?"

"Like I want to go home," I grumbled. "I want a shower. Now."

"She's feeling better," Dad remarked dryly.

"How long have I been in this stupid hospital?"

"Three weeks."

"What?" I sat up so fast I nearly ripped out my IV again.

"Riley, you went through some serious trauma. It's going to take a while to heal-"

"Will I be able to walk again?" I interrupted. I stared at feet, heart pounding. I couldn't see the bottoms, but I imagined they weren't pretty.

"Yes, the doctors are sure that after a while you'll be able to walk again just fine," Dad assured me.

"How did you find me?" I asked.

"Josh went looking for Remi, like you told him to. I called him after Jake contacted me, telling me about your suspicions and we met up at the house. There was no sign of you. Teddy had come back for your car and stuck it in his garage. I couldn't reach you or Remi, and then I got a call from Remi that had cut off. We went to Teddy's and searched around, finding Remi's cell phone in the driveway and...everything in the house. We called for paramedics and back up and started searching the woods." He grimaced. "To think I let those men in my house."

"How many girls did they kill?"

"We're not sure yet. We're still trying to contact and work with other law enforcement agencies to find that out. But from what we've gathered so far...at least ten between them, and Teddy racks up almost another dozen on his own." A heavy silence followed his words. Two nurses and a doctor walked into the room then.

"Riley, I'm glad to see you're awake," the doctor said cheerfully.

"When can I go home?" I demanded. He smiled. "Soon," he promised. "We just need to keep you under observation for a little while longer. I'm sorry, but given the circumstances there's not a lot we can give you for the pain."

"Given the circumstances?" I repeated. "What circumstances?"

"You-no one told you?" The doctor looked from one nurse to the other.

"She just woke up," one said defensively.

"What am I supposed to know?" I asked.

"Riley, you're pregnant," the doctor said gently. I blinked. "Huh? Are you sure?"

"Yes, we're sure."

"But...Robert kicked me. He broke ribs, I felt it. And Teddy almost drowned me like ten times. He choked me until I passed out. How can the baby have lived?"

"I guess it's just like its mama," Dad said quietly. I looked at Jake, who looked positively flabbergasted. "Did they...?" he asked, looking at me with equal parts terror and fury in his eyes. I shook my head quickly. "No. They never did...that."

"Then that means," Jake whispered, the fire in his gaze replaced with wonder. He looked at me. "Then that means the baby's mine?"

"You are the only man who has had the privilege of this," I gestured to myself, "for quite some time."

Dad coughed and shuffled uncomfortably. I leaned back against the pillows and rested a hand on my stomach. A miniature Riley Bradshaw. I wasn't sure the world was ready for that. But the world could probably use another Jake Lamb. I smiled.



I had never been so happy to be back home. I rarely left, not wanting to see the rest of the world right away, and not wanting the rest of the world to see me, either. It took a long time for my bruises to fade and my throat and feet to heal. I did walk again. At first it hurt, and I know it pained my family to see me hobbling around the house with my teeth clenched. But I got through it, the pain eased. My feet would carry scars forever, as would my shoulders from where the box cutter had cut me. Thin scars, finally pale pink instead of angry red, marred my shoulders. Sometimes at night I woke up tossing and turning with tears staining my cheeks. After I called Jake several times in the middle of the night, he just started staying at the house. He slept with me, and he was there to wake me with quiet reassurances every time the nightmares came.

It was nearly December when Mara and Johnny came to visit. They knew what had happened, and had postponed their wedding until I would be well enough to attend.

"Oh, sweetie," Mara said, embracing me. By then the majority of the bruising had vanished, but I knew Mara must have seen something haunted in my gaze when she saw me. She left it at that, and immediately started cooing about the baby. I was three and a half months along by then, showing slightly. I introduced her and Johnny to Dad, Jake, and Remi and we all sat down in the living room.

"Do you know what you're having?" Mara asked. I shook my head. "I haven't decided if I want it to be a surprise yet or not, so I've asked them not to tell me."

"Oh I hope it's a girl," Mara said excitedly. "Do you have any names picked out?"

"Yes," I said. I looked out the window. "If it's a girl, I'm naming her Hope."

Mara and Johnny stayed for a week, and then returned to New York. The day after they left, Remi found me sitting in my old room, gazing out the window at the garden.

"How are you feeling?" she asked. I looked at her. She had healed nicely from her injuries, although I knew she was troubled at losing the baby she hadn't even known she had. I felt a little guilty, with everyone making a scene about my own pregnancy. But Remi didn't show a trace of bitterness towards me. I think a part of her was glad that she wasn't carrying Robert's child.

"Remi, I need to go somewhere," I said. "Will you come with me?"

We drove to the cemetery. Dad and Jake followed in Dad's car, but I asked them all to wait at a distance for a few minutes. I sat down in front of mom's grave, laying a single rose on top. "I was really angry with you, for leaving," I told her tombstone. "Dad never understood me, you know. And it only got worse after. I didn't know what to do anymore. Dad and Remi are so alike, and they helped each other cope. But I'm a different breed of Bradshaw, mom. You always used to say I was the whirlwind and Remi was the willow tree." I paused, feeling tears prickling my eyes. My voice shook as I went on. "Maybe if you had still been here, I wouldn't have been such a stupid teenager. Maybe if you had been here, Remi wouldn't have such horrible taste in men. And she would smack me for saying that but it's true. And now I'm having a baby and I'm terrified. And happy. And I wish I had you here to talk me through it." Tears were spilling over my cheeks now. "I know you would've known exactly what to say to make it all make sense. And I just pray that I can be even half the mother you were." I broke down and sobbed into my hands. I felt someone gently touch my shoulder, and I looked up to see Dad looking down at me with sad eyes.

"I miss her," I choked. I had never said the words out loud before.

"I know, baby," Dad said, wrapping me in his arms. "I do too."



Something changed after that day beside mom's grave. It was like whatever had broken in our family was made whole again. Remi and I rebuilt our sisterhood, staying up late into the night eating junk food and laughing at old yearbook pictures. We were making up for lost time, I guess. The winter passed, turning into spring, and I still had no desire to leave. I was happy here, in this place I had sworn to never return to. This was home. Remi got a job offering at an art gallery in Atlanta and moved into an apartment. She came to visit on nearly every day off she had. Josh dropped by often, and despite everything, I had a feeling that when Remi recovered from all she had suffered, she was going to finally see the right man in front of her.

In March, two months before my due date, I moved into Jake's house.

"What are you going to do with your New York apartment?" Jake asked me.

"Mara and Johnny have been staying there. They'll look after it for me. You better go get the BBQ ready. Dad, Remi and Josh will be here any minute for dinner."

He stared at me with a small smile on his face.

"What?"

"You just amaze me, that's all."

I smiled and shooed him out the door to get ready for dinner. I stepped out onto the porch, letting the spring breeze tousle my hair. In spite of all the tragedy that had happened here, I felt content for the first time in years. I carried plenty of scars, those that you could see and those that were etched on my soul, but they were just marks. A roadmap of what I had endured, and survived. What we had all survived. I shared many of my scars with my father and my sister, and they bound us together. I heard a car and glanced toward the driveway to see Dad pulling in the squad car, Remi riding shotgun and Josh in the backseat. Jake joined me on the porch, waving. I stumbled, feeling the baby kick.

"Are you all right?" Jake asked, steadying me. I laughed. "I think she knows her grandpa and aunt are here."

"She?" Jake arched an eyebrow.

"I'm fairly confident it's a girl. Mother's intuition."

The baby kicked again and everyone crowded around me on the porch, wanting to see if they could feel her. I looked at it as a sign. A sign that our futures would not be as bleak as our pasts. The days ahead would be filled with love, new beginnings, and Hope.