Pictures on Silence

We played a show in Portland on Friday night and stayed in a hotel afterward. Unfortunately, due to our late addition, the two bands only had two rooms to sleep in. Imagine ten people standing around in a four-star hotel hallway on the eleventh floor at one a.m. and you've got our situation.

"Shouldn't be hard," Spencer yawned. "Each band to a room."

"I'm not sleeping anywhere near him," I declared, jabbing my thumb at Matt. "Who knows what would happen." I glared at him.

Matt groaned. "For the millionth, that was an accident!"

I ran my tongue over my teeth in annoyance. "Uh huh. That vice grip around my ribs was an accident. Sure. I believe you."

"Guys, guys!" Brendon split us apart. "It's cool. I'll switch with Angie."

"Problem," Jesse put in, raising a finger. "For some reason, I only don't snore when a female's in the room."

Jon looked confused. "Uh, okay. I'll switch with you." So it ended up Butch Cassidy, Manwhore, Jon-boy, and Bren in one room and Spence, Trill, Slim, and me in the other.

Sharing a hotel room, no matter how nice, with boys always ends up with something awkward. So, knowing this, I locked the door when I took a shower and changed. That didn't keep me from seeing Ryan and Spencer half-naked though. Oh, and I also ended up sleeping pressed up against Jesse for warmth; that had to be the coldest hotel this side of Siberia. So it goes.

We drove up into Washington on Saturday. Thankfully, the weather wasn't hot; quite the opposite. Most, upon waking up to see the world veiled by fog, would take it as a clue that the day would not go nicely, but not me. I, however, came from San Francisco, where fog covered the land most of the year. I love this kind of weather. This was good news for me.

Too bad I was wrong.

We played a show at one and got back to the buses around quarter to four. All eight of us were just hanging out when Jesse and Sean got calls almost simultaneously. Both went outside and left the rest of us to telling stories.

"So Michael's standing next to this girl, holding onto the bar," I say through laughter, imitating my friends position, "And out of the blue, he turns his head and goes--" I turned my head and smelled Ryan loudly. Everyone burst into laughter. "And then," I continue weakly over everyone, "And then, the girl gets off at the next stop. It wasn't even her stop!" Brendon fell off the couch and we all laughed about that.

The door to the bus opened and Sean and Jesse came back in, looking not so joyful as before. "Oooh, man... what's up?" Jon asked, wiping his eye. "You two part of a secret organisation or something?"

The two looked at each other uneasily, and I sat forward. "What's wrong?" I asked seriously.
"Uh... we have bad news," Sean informed. Everyone sobered instantly.

"How bad?" Spencer asked.

Jesse looked right at me. "Really bad." I blinked, and he rubbed the back of his head. "My dad's in the hospital." Something tells me it's about to get worse, I thought when he paused. "And I need to go back to San Francisco... just in case something happens."

My stomach dropped like a stone.

"M'parents are goin' back to London to show the house," Sean added morosely, "and they need me back Tuesday to watch Marissa. They'll be gone until tour's over."

And there goes my heart.

"The four of us need to go back to California after tomorrow's show."

I held my face in my hands. This can't be happening. My dream was disintegrating even though I had my hands wrapped around its throat.

"But we can't just up and leave!" Matt protested. "We made a commitment to this."

"Don't be so self-centred," Jesse snapped. "This blows for all of us, you know? Not just you."

"This isn't about me, it's about the band!" Matt argued, standing.

"Matt, our families are more important," Sean said, forcefully. "We need to go back."

Jon counselled, "You guys, relax." But they all yelled at him to stay out of it. Then Ryan went to Jon's defence, and Brendon got involved somehow, and the situation left me sitting on the couch with my head in my hands, listening to my best friends shout at each other.

Beside me, Spencer still sat, probably not sure what to do, and took notice of me. "Angie?" he whispered.

"STOP IT!" I screamed, voice breaking. I got to my feet and shouted at all of them, "Your meaningless bickering is only making it worse! You're supposed to be adults, not fucking eight year-olds! Fucking act like it!" All of them looked guilty and more than a little freaked out, knowing I was right.

I brushed some hair out of my face and brought my voice down. "It's over, alright? We have to deal with it." I swallowed and raised my chin, tears itching at my eyes; I wouldn't let them know. Couldn't let them know how much it hurt. "We just have to pack up all our stuff and go. If we leave right after we get off and take shifts driving, we can be back in the city by Monday morning."

After standing frozen for about another minute, everyone sat down miserably. No one said anything. We all just sat and thought. I leaned my head back and shut my eyes, trying to calm myself, but nothing worked. The one thing I always wanted had died out as quickly as it came.

"What if you didn't leave?" Ryan questioned quietly.

I lifted my head and gave him a sad smile. "We have to leave, Ryan," I said softly.

"But you don't," Jon said, with a note of an idea in his voice.

"Yes," Jesse said emphatically. "We do."

"But she doesn't," Spencer put in, also having an idea.

I looked around at all of them, thinking that they couldn't seriously be suggesting what I thought. I put on a smile, even though it killed me. "That's sweet and all, guys, but I really can't stay behind without my boys."

"Well, Matt can stay too," Jon offered, getting more keyed up. "One of us can sleep on the couch to make room."

"No, no," Matt denied, waving his hand, "I won't be a burden on you guys. I'll just go home with Trill and BC." He focused on me. "I can always get some people to pull some strings for us when you get back, Pen."

"I can't stay," I contested decidedly. "We're doing this together, all or nothing."

"Angie," Sean said calmly, "We want you to stay." I blinked at him, almost offended. "You love it on the road. I can tell." He smiled. "Stay. Finish out the tour."

I shook my head, but stopped when something else occurred to me, and I sunk on the couch. "There's no way this will happen," I whispered. I pressed a freezing hand to my eyes, which itched anxiously. "This can't be happening."

"What?" Ryan asked. "What won't happen?"

"My parents," I answered quietly.

"They won't know," Jesse said. "If no one told them, they wouldn't find out."

"They'd find out, whether you told them or not."

"Then we'll call them," Brendon decided. "We'll tell them the situation and they'll have to let you stay. They let you come with us, they'll let you stay."

I dropped my hand and gave him a dark look. "My parents don't function that way," I said venomously. "They almost didn't let me come, and without the guys to protect me they most certainly won't."

"We can convince them," he tried, but I'd had enough and got to my feet.

"Just forget it, Brendon," I ordered. "My life doesn't work the same way yours does. It's not going to happen... so just forget about it." My feet carried me until the bunkroom, where I grabbed someone's jacket and my phone, and back past the guys.

"Where are you going?" Jesse asked.

"Out," I spat in reply before slamming the door shut.