Victory Is the Only Thing That Can Keep You Alive

The moment I was cleared for contact the coaches were getting me out on the ice and in the middle of things. As I had worked myself up so much about it though I was finding myself pulling up when racing for the puck towards the end boards, so much so that I was even trying as hard as possible to stick behind whoever was nearby. I didn't want to be hit like that again.

There was no way the coaches didn't notice what was going on not when they kept yelling at me to push harder and fastest and stop running away from the forecheck. I could even see it on Dan's face, he wasn't impressed.

The whistle blew signalling the end of practice and as everyone began making their way back to the locker room I was stopped by a hand on my shoulder.
“You are not done,” Dan said pulling me back onto the ice by my jersey.
“Ok,” there was no use in me arguing against him, I knew exactly why I wasn't done.
“Geno and Olli, you too. We need some help here.”

I sighed and skated over to the middle of the ice before taking a knee to wait for them. I was scared, I knew Geno was going to push me but it would be for my own good. He wasn't afraid to hit me and make my life hell on the ice and that was good if I wanted to come back and play. I needed it.

“Cam why are you letting that hit get to you?” Dan asked seriously as he stood in front of me.
“I- I don't know,” I shifted from one knee to the other.
“Why?” he knelt down so he was eye level with me, eyes focused on me giving me no where else to look, “what was so different about this hit than any other hit?”
“Getting hurt,” I whispered.
“What?”
“Getting hurt,” I spoke up, “not being able to see or stand, just... yeah.”
“That's never happened before?” he asked.
“Not like that,” I answered.
“Well for a start you have to know that going out there, that could happen again.”
“I know and that's what scares me!” I yelled climbing to my feet about making a b-line passed Geno and Olli to the bench.
“Arnett,” coach said sternly, “if you step one foot off of that ice don't you dare think about coming back.”

It was becoming too much too fast for me and every part of me wanted to run and hide from it like I did with everything. I couldn't do that though, not with the way Geno was looking at me with his sad big brown eyes. If I walked it would be like kicking a dog, Geno would hate me. I guess if I wasn't going to do this for me I could at least do it for him and my team.

I turned back around and looked at the three of them seriously, “what do I have to do?”
“Face it,” Dan put a reassuring hand on my shoulder, “face whatever it is that scares you and let it know it can't beat you.”
“But what if I get hurt again?”
“We all be here Cam, we help you,” Geno stepped in and smiled.

I knew he would never let me do anything on my own, he would always be there and always had been whether I wanted him to be or not.

“Come on Cam,” Olli encouraged me as Geno was right behind me, “out skate him or push back.”
There was no way I was going to push back, Geno would just flatten me so I tried for out skating him but again Geno was just too fast.
“Need skate faster if try that,” Geno said as he fished the puck from behind the net.
“I don't think I can skate faster,” I puffed, “my legs aren't as long as yours.”
“You don't need to be tall to be fast,” Dan spoke up, “Patrick Kane is small compared to most of the other guys and he beats them every time.”
“Well how does he do it?” I asked skating to the bench to grab my drink.
“His strides. He is quick right off the line,” Dan explained.
“So I need to be quicker in the beginning.”
“Yes but you need to try and keep as much speed as you can the whole time, no slowing down. You do that and you lose the puck.”
“Unless you change direction,” Olli spoke up.
“But if I do the same thing over and over eventually they will learn what it is I am doing and shut me down.”
“Exactly so we need to get you confident with as many different options as possible.”
“Ok,” I nodded putting my bottle down and slipped my gloves back on, “lets do this.”

They had me mentally prepared, my adrenaline pumping and I wanted to show them I could do it, but that didn't last very long.

“No Geno stop!” I yelled as he grabbed a hold of the kidney protector on my pants.
“Keep going Cam,” he pressed pushing me harder.
“No, no I can't!” I dropped straight to my knees and slid into the boards.

I felt completely defeated by this stupid fear of mine as I was doubled over on the verge of crying.

“Cameron, you ok?” Olli bent down next to me and put his hand on my back.
“No,” my voice trembled as the tears escaped my eyes.
“Cammy,” Geno was there in front of me on his knees, “not mean to scare you. Trying to help,” he put his hands on my shoulders trying to get me to look at him.
“I know,” I could feel my hands beginning to shake inside my gloves and pulled them off to see that they indeed were, pale and trembling.
“Maybe that's enough for today,” Dan suggested dropping to one in front of me, “you should go home, have something good eat, look after that blood sugar and get some rest.”
“Yeah, ok.”
“You did good,” Dan slapped my back as I climbed to my feet, “it will be fine.”

All confidence I had picked up was shattered in a matter of seconds. I knew it was definitely going to take more than one practice to fix me but I knew I had no chance.