Pas Mal

Gustav

Anger is an emotion I am so used to feeling when it comes to Ben Jolliffe. I met him through college; he offered to run me home as it seemed we lived in opposite buildings. Everything worked perfectly from there. We were friends from that moment. He just had this aura about him, one that made me want to please him. I spent nights torturing myself with thoughts of him. I wanted him more than anything in this universe and he hadn't noticed how much I adored him. It was an agonising thought. I made myself the person he couldn't survive without: I did his homework, I brought things for him, I tidied his flat, I made sure he was up on time every morning. I think he realised how easy it was to manipulate me. Slowly, he latched onto my need for him and drained it completely until I hated him.

"Gus, you know how sleepy I am after sex." He whined, fidgeting in his seat. The messy hair and big pleading eyes would've melted me, but I had to be stronger than that.

I took a deep breath, and tried to calm my nerves. I'd never stood up to him before. "Don't you think you should apologise?" I asked. Democracy seemed like the only thing I was capable of.

He laughs with his perfect grin. "Why?" He asked with humour in his voice. Democracy is so overrated.

"Because you upset Aled." Nevermind the fact that you've upset me.

Ben sighs and shakes his head. "Sex is sex. So what?" He laughs. He noticed my disapproving look and sighed. "Shay won't remember it when he wakes up, so why do you have to make such a song and dance about it?"

Anger hit me. "Because what you haven't realised, Ben, is that there are sober people who will remember, such as Aled and I!" I yelled.

He waited for the red to fade in my face and for my chest to stop heaving, before finally opening his mouth. "Why do you care so much? Don't get angry, just answer me." He said, the calm frightening me.

I thought for a moment. I had no reason to care. Ben and I shouldn't have anything to do with each other. Maybe it was Aled that made me feel this angry towards my former lover. No, I didn't have feelings for Aled so soon after Ben. I sighed and rubbed my eyes. "Because I have feelings for you, Ben."

He chuckled again and shook his head. He smiled nervously at me. "Gus, we both know neither of us felt anything for each other. Just sex." He chuckled.

Anger again. What right did he have to make me his little slave, make me adore him, make me his whore, only for him to treat me like this? Like nothing? I had hoped against hope, through sleepless nights and boring classes that he would fall for me. I'd cried rivers and oceans of endless heartbreak, just praying that he would appreciate me as I appreciated him. That he would love me. Those simple kisses weren't just sex. They couldn't have been. I guess Ben was used to having both men and woman drooling at his every word, everything he did was perfection. I couldn't have been just nothing to him.

He smirked again, his eyes lighting with mischief. "If you miss the sex all that much, why don't you come and get it?" He teased, his tongue playing at the corner of his lips.

"Don't make me angry, Ben." I warned. He only laughed.

"I'm not trying to make you angry, I'm only playing." He giggled.

My phone buzzed in my pocket. 'Accidentally slept with Mike. What do. - Stu.' How do you accidentally sleep with someone? He must've been pissed. Another text came through. 'Regan thinks something's going on. Get your butt here and help me. - Stu.' I rolled my eyes.

I looked up at Ben, unsurprised to see he was more interested in Shay, sleeping on the couch. He was cute, he was undoubtedly cute. Cuter than me? Evidently. Aled was sat on the floor by the couch, his head resting against Shay's arm. He was rather subdued, very upset by the whole thing. This was made worst by the fact Shay was too drunk to care about Aled. A part of me wished Christian never told me. We didn't need to know. I guess it's our right to know what our boyfriends, or former boyfriends, were up to. Or are we all just massive stalkers?

"I have to go." I mumbled, standing up.

Ben suddenly turned his attention back to me with a smile. "Sometimes the simplest of details are the most beautiful. Like your eyes," His smile faltered for a second. "But you probably hear that every day, of course! I suppose you'll be taking him with you?"

I stepped over to him and rested my hand on his arm. His eyes flickered up to meet mine. He smiled sadly. "Are you staying here, or coming with me to Stu's?" I asked.

"I'll stay here, with Shay." He sighed, nuzzling his partner. I stood up and left him in peace.

Ben was holding the door open for me as I went to leave, a polite smile etched across his face."Come back and collect him before the shouting starts." He instructed playfully, but I wasn't in the mood.

"He'll text me when he wants to leave." I replied. Ben only sighed and rolled his eyes.

"Where's your sense of fun gone? Lighten up!" He teased, punching my arm. "I'll see you sometime." He rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly.

I waved goodbye and left without saying anything. Ben was so frustrating, I hated being around him. All I could think about was how much I disliked him. I was obsessed with him, not in a healthy, adoring way. In a way that made me want to hurt him, to stop from hurting anyone else. Maybe if he felt how I felt, how Aled felt, how Shay would feel when he sobered up, maybe he wouldn't be so quick to injure fragile hearts.

A few minutes later, I was knocking on the door of Stu's flat. I put on a brave face, so that I could move from one crisis to the next without hassle.

Stu opened the door quickly enough with a sympathetic smile on his face. "Sorry to drag you up this early." He apologised, stepping aside to let me in.

Regan was sat on the couch, her legs crossed so that it was almost possible to see up her skirt. She raised an eyebrow and flashed a cheeky half smile. Regan was rarely wrong, and she knew it. Dan was by her side, a little bewildered, but convinced there was something going on. I wasn't convinced Dan understood that gay relationships were completely 'normal' and should be treated in exactly the same way as any other relationship would be. Mike was sat on the counter, leaning against the fridge. His eyes were still heavy with sleep, the remnants of an alcohol filled night in his messy hair and weak posture.

Regan stood. She had a certain smirk on her face, one that was so very confident of its place in the world and in the room, above everyone else. "Well I'm done here. Aurevoir." Her heels clicked on the floor loudly, and Dan raised obediently to the sound, like a dog to a whistle. Everyone watched her leave, eyes drawn to the swing of her hips and her perfectly timed step. Regan - as slutty as she could act - was an admirable woman. There was so much more to her than the small dresses and love of sex. She had the world wrapped around her little finger, and she knew this. They left without another word and a dumbfounded silence filled the room.

Stu looked at Mike, then back to me. He raised an eyebrow and grinned. I sighed, rolling my eyes.

"I just wanted you to come over so she could fuck off." He chuckled, his grin widening.

I sat down in the seat Regan had previously taken. At least I was away from Ben, away from a depressed Aled. No more relationships to put up with. I sat back, tipping my head back, breathing out loudly.

"I heard about what happened between Ben and that other guy." Stu had sat down next to me, his voice quiet and gentle. I nodded. "Ça va?" I nodded again.

"Just feel a bit..." I sigh. "I can't even explain how I feel. At a loss I suppose. Aled's in pieces."

Mike stood up and waddled over to us, a little unsteady and clearly hungover. He sat down on the floor in front of us. "Why don't you get revenge?" He suggested.

I sat up straight and shook my head. "Ben had sex with Shay to get revenge on me for getting the guts to walk away. If I get revenge on him he'll just get revenge on me and things will just get worse."

Mike just shrugged. "Get back with Ben then, and screw him over like he did to you."

In any normal relationship that would've been a great revenge plan. I glanced at Stu. He shook his head. "Don't you even think about putting yourself in that situation again." He warned.

"What situation?" Mike asked. Stu glanced at him and looked away again quickly. I couldn't tell if he wanted to say what happened but felt it wasn't his place, or if he just really liked the sound of Mike's voice.

"Ben isn't normal. He has some kind of major God complex going on. He has this need to be in charge constantly. A Dahmer style God complex that is so dangerous. Putting myself back in his hands would just be stupid. As much as I love Ben, he's dangerous, I can't put myself in that situation again." I explained, without pointing out specifics.

Mike just nodded, looking down into his lap. He looked up again. "Well I'm sorry you had to go through that." He smiled sadly.

"Well what do we do? He'll have Shay by now, whether Shay wants him or not." Stu pointed out.

I sigh. "We let him take Shay and just hope there's someone brave enough to stand up to Ben." I sighed.