Pas Mal

Mallory.

The sole reason I agreed to do this was because everyone else did. All my other friends, the only ones who understood me where planning on leaving me for three weeks. For some reason, I took it as a betrayal and signed up immediately. I didn't want to endure the bullying and abuse alone. So here I am, where a foreigner could bully and abuse me.

I knew where Sean was, and I knew where Mike was. That provided me with a little comfort, that I could just check my messages and find the location of one of my friends if anything happened. Though I had to remember Sean was with Laurence and I don't know where he is. It probably wasn't a good idea to turn up at where Sean was supposed to be after what happened earlier.

"Ça va?" Josh checked, holding the door to the flat he shared with his parents open for me. It was getting rather late, and I was a little hungry.

"J'ai faim. Je n'ai pas mangé cet après-midi." I replied awkwardly. I didn't like asking people for things. Josh nodded, smiling as he let me in.

There was something about Josh Ramsay that drew me into him. Maybe it was his calm mannerisms and gentle smile. He was like Sean, on a calmer level. But at the same time, I was repelled by him. I could feel him watching me from the corner of his eye, his ever domineering gaze never leaving me. I felt like I was being controlled.

In the kitchen, his mother was making dinner, calming my stomach slightly. Josh mumbled a few things quietly to her in French. She didn't seem to like me, but that was okay because no one did.

I followed him into the front room and sat by his side. He watched me carefully, examining every inch of me. Sometimes it felt like he was looking right through me. It was uncomfortable, like he was trying to deduct something that I prefer to keep secret.

And as you are a complete stranger, I'm not going to tell you. Sean might.

I ran my hand through my messy ginger hair, distracting myself from him for one second. In that little break in my concentration, he moved to sit on the floor in front of me. I stared at him in shock and fear like a rabbit caught in headlights. He smiled reassuringly, the respectful and polite gesture of trust I'd learnt never to believe.

"I wonder why there's scars on your wrists." He mused, taking my wrist carefully and smiled. I flinched, tensing up. His voice was very gentle, threatening and generally interested. "But you don't need to tell me if you don't want to. I'm always hear if you need me." He smiled.

\*o*/

Josh's mother's cooking was amazing. It reminded me of how my mother used to care for me. His father hadn't bothered to come home, so the three of us ate around the table. Like a family.

"Your parents, do you want to call them?" Josh asked. I shook my head quickly.

"I don't think they'd appreciate it much." I replied. Josh fell silent in understanding. He didn't need to ask questions.

"You can sleep in my bed if you want? Or would you rather the airbed?" He asked. Sleeping in a strangers bed was weird.

"Airbed, thanks." I mumbled quietly. I didn't feel all to comfortable sleeping in the same room as him, with his gaze always watching. Maybe it was just my paranoia and my fear of men playing with my mind.

He left the room and allowed me to change. I still felt like he was watching me, or at east something was. I changed quickly, into little shorts and a tank top. I couldn't sleep with my skin covered, which is irritating cause I didn't like showing skin. Which is why I hate summer. I brushed my ginger hair into a ponytail, so it wouldn't be too crazy in the morning and stared a myself in the mirror.

I was far too pale and blubbery to be considered attractive. I just seem so shapeless, so called "curves" forming everywhere. My face was rather haggard, knife like cheekbones that obviously belonged to a man. The sun painted freckles on the blade, dark specks of dirt on my skin.Green eyes would be perfect if I didn't need stupid contact lenses. My neck was long and every muscle and bone was defined. Every time I swallowed or smiled or moved my face in some way, my neck twisted into deformed shapes. My shoulders hung as though they were being held up with puppet's strings. My arms were thin and bony, covered in scars and burns. My wrists obnoxiously thin too. My chest was unattractive as Hell. Shapeless, lumpy mounds of fat that served for no purpose other than to annoy me. My stomach bulged out a little, my hips curving out in the overflow of this fat. My legs were short and even fatter, making me look awkward and small. And I hated it. I hated everything. It was all too fat or too skinny.

There was a knock at the door. "Mallory? Are you done yet?" Josh asked. I smiled for some reason.

"Oui." I answered with a little confidence. I moved from the mirror to my airbed, settling down.

Josh came back in, dressed in just a shirt and some boxers. I felt his eyes burn into my white flesh, and I instinctively covered my knees. I hated showing my skin, it was so blotchy and horrible. "You look exhausted." He giggled nervously.

"It's been a tough day." I replied, facing away from him. I didn't want to meet his gaze in case he saw something in me I'd tried so hard to hide.

He sat down on his bed and giggled. "There are so many people around you who care for you, myself included. You shouldn't push them away, you know." He said, and went to reach for the light.

"Please don't switch out the lights!" I begged suddenly. He stopped instantly and watched me for an explanation. "I'm afraid of the dark." I replied timidly. Anyone else would've laughed and switched them out anyway.

"That's okay." He said with a smile. I sighed in relief. At least I didn't have to worry about that.

I lay down and curled into my little ball, hugging my knees to my chest. I still had my back to him, and the sickening realisation that I had my back to the door overcame me. I didn't want to face him, because it would be awkward. But anything could sneak up on em if I didn't face the door. Slowly, I rolled over.

"It's alright, Mallory." Josh laughed. He was lying on his back, staring up at the ceiling. "I won't let anything hurt you." He reassured, twisting his neck to smile at me. I offered a quiet 'thank you' in return and rolled over again, drifting off to sleep quiet happily.

/.\

"YOU STUPID FUCKING WHORE!"

It wasn't a nightmare. It was real. Someone in the darkness had got me, someone was going to kill me. I heard that scream before, my father's voice. He was back to finish what he started. I sat up and screamed, covering my ears like I had in the first place. His shouting only got louder, more offensive. I sobbed into my knees, waiting for the pain to start. The darkness was eating at me, clawing at me as another voice began screaming back. It made no sense, why wasn't I dead? Or maybe I was already dead and my soul had to endure the eternal torment.

A light flooded the room, and a silhouette of a man was crouched before me. Without my contacts, I couldn't see a thing. I whimpered in desperation and fear, backing away from the figure. My body slipped off the airbed and I hit the wall, I couldn't escape.

"Mallory? It's Josh!" His voice called. It was distant, I didn't trust it. I shook my head and stared at the figure. He began fumbling around with my things, looking through my clothes and my underwear. I whimpered in humiliation. I knew what was coming, it had happened before. "Your glasses." The same voice said, handing me a black object. They felt like my glasses, so I pushed them onto my face.

Vision hit me across the face so hard I felt sick. Josh was the black figure crouched in front of me. I sighed in relief. "I'm sorry, I could hear shouting." I sobbed meekly, hugging my knees again.

His arms wrapped around me tightly, cradling me like a child. I cuddled close, craving his warmth and protection from the now silenced voices. For a peaceful moment or two, he held me. He sang softly, rocking me back and forth in his arms. He was so soothing and protective. I took a good look over him in admiration.

He was well built, quite stocky and muscular. His blue eyes were ever so shiny and bright. Unlike mine, his face was rather pudgy. His fringe was died blue but the rest was black. I noticed a tongue piercing too. I smiled, feeling safer. Like Sean said, he was really cute. But I don't think cute, I can't.

"I'm sorry I switched the light out, I didn't think you'd wake up so distressed." He apologised.

"What time is it?"
"Nearly four. You can go back to sleep if you want." He moved me onto the airbed and laid me down, stroking my hair. It wasn't creepy or disturbing, just calming.

I squirmed slightly to get myself comfortable. Getting settled, I watched him watching me. There was something so calming and relaxing about him, I just needed to tell Sean.