Status: Forgive me for this may take forever.
A Sinner's Heart
One
I put the plate of Mama’s food on the tray, along with napkins and silverware, and tucked her bottle of vodka under my arm. I carefully took the tray off the counter and to her room. Balancing the heavy tray with one arm, I knocked on the door.
“What?” she spat from the other side.
“I have your dinner,” I responded softly.
I heard her groan before ordering me in. Cautiously I opened the door and walked over to the bed, trying not to trip like I had a few weeks ago.
“Will you hurry up, you little shit?!” she yelled.
I began to tremble in nervousness and fear. Though the sound of her harsh, booming voice was a sound I heard constantly, it still scared me. I stumbled over to her, tripping and falling, and dropped her food.
‘You idiot,’ my mind screamed and I quickly picked myself up. I stood frigid in front of her, waiting for my inevitable punishment. I heard the sound of the mattress creaking as she stood and the softly thuds of her feet as she walked towards me. I could feel her towering above me.
“Look at me, child,” Mama demanded and I did as I was ordered to. She grabbed my face in her hand and pulled me up to her. “This is the last time you’re allowed to do stupid shit like this. You are completely worthless. I should’ve left you on the streets to freeze and die like I wanted to when I first saw you. Your birth was a disappointment. Now clean up this mess.” She dropped me onto the floor and I landed on my knees.
I began picking up the pieces of food and glass from the bag. Mama stepped over me and grabbed her still intact vodka bottle from the floor as she walked over to the her dresser and grabbed a little bag of white powder, heading into the bathroom.
I sighed. She was getting high again. I could still smell the weed from the blunt she finished of not too long ago. It was an endless cycle of her getting drunk or high, me doing all the housework and fucking up, and her screaming at me and telling me how much she didn’t love me.
‘Why is daddy still with her?’ I asked myself as I got up and carried the plate of tainted food back to the kitchen to throw it out. I knew he loved her, and that he loved me, but sometimes I wish he saw how horribly she treated me. I couldn’t tell him myself; it would just break his heart, but I can’t keep living like this.
I washed the tray and the dishes and put them away before heading up to my small, dingy room. I’ve been to other people’s houses and theirs were so much better than mine. They had toys and a semi decent mattress and frame at the least. and their closets had clothes i would die to have. Mine only had a mattress, a shitty one at that, and a few lights, two lamps and the big light in the ceiling. My only toy was my stuffed bunny, Nikki, that my cousin, Nikolai gave me and my closet was full of clothes from the goodwill, and not even good ones.
I walked into my closet, deciding that I should change out of my clothes and into my pajamas. As I walked back out, I heard the click of my door locking. I rushed over to it and began jiggling the handle and pulling.
“Mama!” I cried.
“Hush, you little bitch. If you didn’t fuck up like you’re unable to do, you could come out.”
“But I wanna see daddy when he comes home.”
“I don’t care.” Then she walked away.
My lip trembled and tears began streaming down my face. It wasn’t fair. I did nothing to her, yet she hates me for something I couldn’t control.
“You know good as well what you had done to her,” Draea said. According to the doctors, she was a hallucination due to my schizophrenia. But she was real to me. I’ve known her since I was six, a little after Aleksandr had ran away. She was my first friend, but she soon turned into my enemy. She mimicked Mama nearly to a T and she terrified me.
“I had no control of that!” I defend myself.
“If you weren’t so damn stubborn and just died in the womb, your parents wouldn’t have these problems and you brother wouldn’t have left.”
“I was a fetus who couldn’t make a conscious decision,” I mumbled and climbed into my bed.
“But you fought all her efforts. And you’re not even worth it. Look at yourself. You’re stupid and ugly. You’re a living, breathing catastrophe.”
I hugged my knees to my chest. She had a point. No one really liked me. I stuck out like a sore thumb and I was a freak. No one wanted to be around a freak. I ‘talk to air’ and make disruptive outburst in class because of the noise in my head. I never talked unless I was screaming at one of my voices. I was ‘mentally unstable’ and my emotional state wasn’t much better. I couldn’t stand for myself. I let people walk over me and treat me like crap. I didn’t matter how much I wanted to scream in their face, or punch them in the gut, I knew I just couldn’t.
“I know,”I whispered.
Draea smirked at me. “I know,” she said. “Everyone knows. And the only one who love you is your daddy, and even that’s out of sympathy.”
I didn’t know how to respond. Part of me told me it wasn’t true, that daddy really did love me, but something else told me that Draea could be right, that it was all because he felt bad.
“Can you leave?” I asked her, choking on my tears.
“Of course darling,” she said in her deceivingly sweet voice and vanished.
I heard the front door open and close with a slam.
“‘Semi?” Daddy called
“Kitchen.”
I didn’t hear anything for minutes until I heard Daddy’s footsteps come out the stairs. I heard the doorknob shake and an exasperated groan from the other side as it was unlocked and opened.
“Gersemi, why the hell is our daughter locked in her room?”
“Because she made a mess. She needed to be punished.”
Daddy sighed and walked over to sit on the bed with me, wrapping his big arms around my little body.
“What’s wrong princess?” he asked me.
“Nothing,” I lied as i wiped away my tears. “Draea was just bothering me again.”
“Do you need Daddy to beat her up?”
I shook my head. “No Daddy, I’m okay now.”
“Okay baby,” he said and kissed my forehead. “If you need me, you know I’m here.”
“I know. I love you daddy.”
“I love you too baby."
Mama called Daddy's name and he got up from my bed and headed back downstairs. It was quiet for awhile again before i heard the sound of shouting and glass shattering on the round.
I jumped up from my bed and ran to the top of the stairs. I watched as Mama threw one of the little wooden tables that sat next to the couch at Daddy, hitting him and knocking him to the ground.
“Daddy!” I cried and started running downstairs.
“Stay upstairs baby,” he groaned and I did as he said.
“Why does she listen to you? She never listens to me.”
“Maybe because you’re constantly screaming at her and punishing her.” Daddy strained and tried to stand up.
“I need to set boundaries,” Mama said and kicked him back on the ground, straddling him and pounding his head repeatedly into the ground.
I wanted to scream, “Daddy, Kick her ass” but I knew he couldn’t. He still felt the love they had before Aleksandr left; before I was born. He could never lift a finger against her, but the same couldn’t be said about her.
Speechless, I stared at the scene playing at the bottom of the steps. I was frozen. I couldn’t move. I watched her beat Daddy till he was a bloody, unrecognizable mess.
And then she stood at the bottom of the stairs and extended her arms to me, flashing a sickly sweet smile. “C’mon baby. You and mommy are gonna leave this man.”
I shook my head and backed away; her face fell and contorted in anger.
“That wasn’t an option Reagan.”
“I’m not going,” I told her firmly, standing up against her for the first time in my life.
Her eyes grew dark and she growled; I still didn’t move. “You ungrateful child,” she screamed. “Did you ever love me?”
“Yes,” I answered softly. “No anymore though. But I think the question is: Did you ever love me?”
She didn’t answer, only growled again before running out the door, slamming it behind her.
I ran down the stairs and knelt next to Daddy, not caring about the blood that was pooling around him.
“Daddy? Can you hear me?”
He nodded slightly and I sighed in relief. In an instant, I was on my feet and one the phone with 911.
“911, what’s your emergency?” the operator asked.
“Someone broke into our house and beat my father really bad. Almost unrecognizable,” I half-lied, knowing that Daddy could never testify against Mama.
“Ok sweetie, and are you okay?”
“I’m fine ma’am. Can you just hurry and get here? I can’t lose him.”
“Yes darling. 911 services are on their way.”
“Thank you,” I said and hung up. I crawled back over to Daddy and laid next to him, still not caring about the blood and laying my head on his chest .
“We’re gonna be okay daddy,” I whispered and kissed his cheek. “We’re gonna be okay.”
“What?” she spat from the other side.
“I have your dinner,” I responded softly.
I heard her groan before ordering me in. Cautiously I opened the door and walked over to the bed, trying not to trip like I had a few weeks ago.
“Will you hurry up, you little shit?!” she yelled.
I began to tremble in nervousness and fear. Though the sound of her harsh, booming voice was a sound I heard constantly, it still scared me. I stumbled over to her, tripping and falling, and dropped her food.
‘You idiot,’ my mind screamed and I quickly picked myself up. I stood frigid in front of her, waiting for my inevitable punishment. I heard the sound of the mattress creaking as she stood and the softly thuds of her feet as she walked towards me. I could feel her towering above me.
“Look at me, child,” Mama demanded and I did as I was ordered to. She grabbed my face in her hand and pulled me up to her. “This is the last time you’re allowed to do stupid shit like this. You are completely worthless. I should’ve left you on the streets to freeze and die like I wanted to when I first saw you. Your birth was a disappointment. Now clean up this mess.” She dropped me onto the floor and I landed on my knees.
I began picking up the pieces of food and glass from the bag. Mama stepped over me and grabbed her still intact vodka bottle from the floor as she walked over to the her dresser and grabbed a little bag of white powder, heading into the bathroom.
I sighed. She was getting high again. I could still smell the weed from the blunt she finished of not too long ago. It was an endless cycle of her getting drunk or high, me doing all the housework and fucking up, and her screaming at me and telling me how much she didn’t love me.
‘Why is daddy still with her?’ I asked myself as I got up and carried the plate of tainted food back to the kitchen to throw it out. I knew he loved her, and that he loved me, but sometimes I wish he saw how horribly she treated me. I couldn’t tell him myself; it would just break his heart, but I can’t keep living like this.
I washed the tray and the dishes and put them away before heading up to my small, dingy room. I’ve been to other people’s houses and theirs were so much better than mine. They had toys and a semi decent mattress and frame at the least. and their closets had clothes i would die to have. Mine only had a mattress, a shitty one at that, and a few lights, two lamps and the big light in the ceiling. My only toy was my stuffed bunny, Nikki, that my cousin, Nikolai gave me and my closet was full of clothes from the goodwill, and not even good ones.
I walked into my closet, deciding that I should change out of my clothes and into my pajamas. As I walked back out, I heard the click of my door locking. I rushed over to it and began jiggling the handle and pulling.
“Mama!” I cried.
“Hush, you little bitch. If you didn’t fuck up like you’re unable to do, you could come out.”
“But I wanna see daddy when he comes home.”
“I don’t care.” Then she walked away.
My lip trembled and tears began streaming down my face. It wasn’t fair. I did nothing to her, yet she hates me for something I couldn’t control.
“You know good as well what you had done to her,” Draea said. According to the doctors, she was a hallucination due to my schizophrenia. But she was real to me. I’ve known her since I was six, a little after Aleksandr had ran away. She was my first friend, but she soon turned into my enemy. She mimicked Mama nearly to a T and she terrified me.
“I had no control of that!” I defend myself.
“If you weren’t so damn stubborn and just died in the womb, your parents wouldn’t have these problems and you brother wouldn’t have left.”
“I was a fetus who couldn’t make a conscious decision,” I mumbled and climbed into my bed.
“But you fought all her efforts. And you’re not even worth it. Look at yourself. You’re stupid and ugly. You’re a living, breathing catastrophe.”
I hugged my knees to my chest. She had a point. No one really liked me. I stuck out like a sore thumb and I was a freak. No one wanted to be around a freak. I ‘talk to air’ and make disruptive outburst in class because of the noise in my head. I never talked unless I was screaming at one of my voices. I was ‘mentally unstable’ and my emotional state wasn’t much better. I couldn’t stand for myself. I let people walk over me and treat me like crap. I didn’t matter how much I wanted to scream in their face, or punch them in the gut, I knew I just couldn’t.
“I know,”I whispered.
Draea smirked at me. “I know,” she said. “Everyone knows. And the only one who love you is your daddy, and even that’s out of sympathy.”
I didn’t know how to respond. Part of me told me it wasn’t true, that daddy really did love me, but something else told me that Draea could be right, that it was all because he felt bad.
“Can you leave?” I asked her, choking on my tears.
“Of course darling,” she said in her deceivingly sweet voice and vanished.
I heard the front door open and close with a slam.
“‘Semi?” Daddy called
“Kitchen.”
I didn’t hear anything for minutes until I heard Daddy’s footsteps come out the stairs. I heard the doorknob shake and an exasperated groan from the other side as it was unlocked and opened.
“Gersemi, why the hell is our daughter locked in her room?”
“Because she made a mess. She needed to be punished.”
Daddy sighed and walked over to sit on the bed with me, wrapping his big arms around my little body.
“What’s wrong princess?” he asked me.
“Nothing,” I lied as i wiped away my tears. “Draea was just bothering me again.”
“Do you need Daddy to beat her up?”
I shook my head. “No Daddy, I’m okay now.”
“Okay baby,” he said and kissed my forehead. “If you need me, you know I’m here.”
“I know. I love you daddy.”
“I love you too baby."
Mama called Daddy's name and he got up from my bed and headed back downstairs. It was quiet for awhile again before i heard the sound of shouting and glass shattering on the round.
I jumped up from my bed and ran to the top of the stairs. I watched as Mama threw one of the little wooden tables that sat next to the couch at Daddy, hitting him and knocking him to the ground.
“Daddy!” I cried and started running downstairs.
“Stay upstairs baby,” he groaned and I did as he said.
“Why does she listen to you? She never listens to me.”
“Maybe because you’re constantly screaming at her and punishing her.” Daddy strained and tried to stand up.
“I need to set boundaries,” Mama said and kicked him back on the ground, straddling him and pounding his head repeatedly into the ground.
I wanted to scream, “Daddy, Kick her ass” but I knew he couldn’t. He still felt the love they had before Aleksandr left; before I was born. He could never lift a finger against her, but the same couldn’t be said about her.
Speechless, I stared at the scene playing at the bottom of the steps. I was frozen. I couldn’t move. I watched her beat Daddy till he was a bloody, unrecognizable mess.
And then she stood at the bottom of the stairs and extended her arms to me, flashing a sickly sweet smile. “C’mon baby. You and mommy are gonna leave this man.”
I shook my head and backed away; her face fell and contorted in anger.
“That wasn’t an option Reagan.”
“I’m not going,” I told her firmly, standing up against her for the first time in my life.
Her eyes grew dark and she growled; I still didn’t move. “You ungrateful child,” she screamed. “Did you ever love me?”
“Yes,” I answered softly. “No anymore though. But I think the question is: Did you ever love me?”
She didn’t answer, only growled again before running out the door, slamming it behind her.
I ran down the stairs and knelt next to Daddy, not caring about the blood that was pooling around him.
“Daddy? Can you hear me?”
He nodded slightly and I sighed in relief. In an instant, I was on my feet and one the phone with 911.
“911, what’s your emergency?” the operator asked.
“Someone broke into our house and beat my father really bad. Almost unrecognizable,” I half-lied, knowing that Daddy could never testify against Mama.
“Ok sweetie, and are you okay?”
“I’m fine ma’am. Can you just hurry and get here? I can’t lose him.”
“Yes darling. 911 services are on their way.”
“Thank you,” I said and hung up. I crawled back over to Daddy and laid next to him, still not caring about the blood and laying my head on his chest .
“We’re gonna be okay daddy,” I whispered and kissed his cheek. “We’re gonna be okay.”
♠ ♠ ♠
One done! A shit load to go. I have no idea how imma do this with my constant writer's block, but I'm gonna do it. Anywhore, hope you like it. Comments and recs aren't necessary but much appreciated.That's all,
--Kira