A Cute Isolophobia

Lauren wakes up on a Tuesday morning and spends fifteen minutes making herself look presentable before grabbing her car keys and heading out the door. She has an early biology lab this morning and an unfinished paper due this afternoon, but her mind is focused on what color she should paint her toenails tonight. Khloe Had A Little Lamb Lamb has always been her favorite, with its mossy green tint and expensive seven dollar bottle, but lately she's been feeling more Stop-A-Holic: red hot and ready to take on the world.

She sticks a hand out her window as she drives, singing along to the “Classics” playlist on her iPod. Nobody makes her heart soar like Bon Jovi does. It's a crisp Autumn morning, with orange leaves popping out of the bright blue sky, and the air smells like dampness and gasoline. This is Lauren's favorite weather because it represents the things she loves the most: the end of the bad things like heat, sweat, and sticky nights spent in her parents' pool, and the start of the good things like sweater weather, snow falling, and Christmas Eve. Wisps of hair get caught in the corners of her eyes, but Lauren doesn't care.

What's life without a little bit of blindness?

When she gets to biology, fifteen minutes early because Lauren is never late, she takes her phone out of her back pocket and opens the Cupid's Bow app.

If anyone ever found out that she joined an online dating website, Lauren would never hear the end of it. Her friends from back home would laugh at her, for one thing, and her father would probably have a heart attack knowing that his baby girl wasn't just dating, but she was dating men sometimes five years older than her. Her father she could deal with, he was nothing that a good puppy dog face and home cooked meal couldn't fix. But her friends, they were a whole 'nother story. She could only imagine the looks of pity she would get, and there's no feeling worse than being pitied.

A pink number three is at the top of the app: she has three new messages. Glancing at the clock to make sure she has adequate time to explore her suitors, Lauren presses the number and sees her first new message. It's from a guy named “max” (she notes the uncapitalized “M” and makes a mental check in Max's “con” list) and he calls her gorgeous, tells her he would love to get to know her. He doesn't mention anything about her profile, and Lauren finds this odd. Normally, guys will make the effort and refer to a shared interest, one she may have listed under her “Six Things I Can't Do Without” list. She clicks through to his profile and notices it's fairly empty, but he does seem to make a lot of money. Money isn't important to Lauren, she's much more interested in personality.

Because of her guilty conscience, Lauren messages Max and thanks him for the compliment. Before she can close the message window, Max replies with his phone number and says to text him―his job doesn't allow him too much time on the computer.

Well, Lauren thinks, at least he seems to have a good career.

She saves his number for later. Biology is starting, and she can't have her professor thinking she's rude and ignorant for texting during class.



When Lauren was six, her parents got divorced. With the court granting her mother primary custody and only being allowed to see her father every other weekend, Lauren was bounced around like a ping pong ball until she turned thirteen: old enough to tell them to buzz off and let her choose where she wanted to be and when. Her parents hated each other and didn't bother trying to hide their distaste in front of their only child, so Lauren grew up thinking that real love, the kind she saw in films like Casablanca and My Fair Lady, didn't really exist. But, she knew, everything was circumstantial.

It was Lauren's goal at age sixteen to find a boy to spend the rest of her life with, a high school sweetheart of which she could marry and have perfect children. This had nothing to do with Lauren being sixteen and hormonally unbalanced and everything to do with her irrational fear of dying alone. Without her father around, Lauren watched her mother deteriorate from a symbol of beauty and grace into a shadow-like figure, barely there and hardly breathing. She refused to end up that way.

Unfortunately for Lauren, her plan didn't work out so well. Sixteen year old boys are much more interested in finding out the combinations to girls' jeans than learning their personalities. She found this out after one too many nights spent alone at diner booths, waiting for dates that would never show up. Eventually, the rejections became too much to bear and she cocooned into herself, wrapping her days with homework and the occasional movie with her girlfriends. Graduation came and Lauren walked, head held high, with a cumulative four point oh grade point average. She started college at Texas U, where her parents met, and had all but forgotten dying alone when a friend told her about Cupid's Bow.

This friend, Kate, said it was a great way to meet guys who were looking for more serious relationships. Her words were all the persuasion Lauren needed. Within twenty minutes of joining, she had been contacted by seven men who said how cool it was that Game of Thrones was her favorite show and how they also couldn't believe Jeyne was replaced with Talisa.

Out of the seven, Lauren met with one of them. He was sweet and held the door open for her at the restaurant they went to, but it was hard for her to get over how silly they looked together: her five foot three frame next to his six foot two, stocky build surely looked comical to everyone around them. His name was Luke and they got along well―their interests were almost exactly the same―but halfway through the date, Lauren faked a yawn and insisted she needed to go home. Luke was simply too boring to spend her time on.

There were a few dates after Luke, but none substantial enough to settle her fears. There was only one option for Lauren, and it was dying alone.



Lauren gets to the Starbucks ten minutes before she and Max are supposed to meet. She needs a few minutes to calm her nerves and prepare herself, and orders a water with lemon at the counter. Anything else will come back up, and that isn't something she needs tonight. Her senses focus on what's around her as part of the fight or flight response, the inner psychological struggle between staying and meeting another boring guy or leaving before he even arrives.

The coffee shop is dimly lit with warm, brown glows that resemble the liquid being consumed by most of its patrons. Specks of the signature Starbucks green pop from random places around her position, and Lauren doesn't miss how the windows―translucent with black sky coming from outside―reflect all of these lights and colors, making the building look larger than it actually is. Her eyes are on the bell above the door, noting how the gold matches the glow from the low lights, when it jingles, signaling someone entering the premises.

In person, Max looks like he could be on the cover of GQ: he's tall, at least six feet, has dark features that are strikingly sexy, and smiles with his teeth when he sees her―something Lauren finds incredibly attractive. Instead of sitting down at the table with her, he walks past and goes to the counter, ordering a tall coffee. Lauren uses the time to awkwardly fiddle with her fingers; she wasn't expecting him to be so good looking.

When he's finally across from her, he opens the conversation.

“Hey.”

“Hi,” Lauren replies, glancing at him quickly and then shooting her eyes back up to the bell above the door.

“Don't be nervous,” he tells her with a slight laugh.

“I'm not.”

“You are. Is this your first time meeting someone from online?”

“No,” she says, but it feels like a lie. She's never been nervous at a first meeting before, and she's beginning to get uncomfortable. “No, it's not. Is it yours?”

Max shakes his head, and Lauren watches the way his large hand encompasses the tiny, white cup. It's intimidating.

He asks her about her interests, what she likes to do for fun. She enthusiastically tells him about her love of traveling, and he tells her that he, too, once drove from Denver to Las Vegas. He wants to know what her favorite part of her trip was and, when she explains that it was losing a flip-flop to a salt canyon, he laughs at her response.

This is the best first meeting Lauren has ever had.

They're not done talking, but the Starbucks employees are getting ready to close for the night, meaning the date is over. Max leads Lauren outside and doesn't hold the door open for her. Lauren doesn't mind. They walk to her car and Max smiles at her with his teeth again.

“I really like you,” he tells her, reaching for her hands to wrap in his own. “I normally don't do this, but...is it okay if I kiss you?”

Lauren nods, and before she can close her eyes she's kissing the most handsome man she's ever met. The kiss goes on for hours; Lauren can feel herself getting lost in it. She will remember this kiss because Max is the best kisser she's ever kissed. She will remember the wind blowing around them and the way the warmth from his hands made her feel whole. She will remember the obnoxious rap song playing on the strip mall's speaker system. She will definitely remember Max's thin lips meshing perfectly with her own. Eventually, he pulls away and takes a deep breath.

“Wow,” he breathes against her lips. “You're a great kisser.”

“You too,” she lets out, trying to stop her legs, arms, and voice from shaking the way that they so desperately want to. “What now?”

“The ball is in your court. I'm up for anything.”

Lauren smiles. They kiss goodbye, she gets in her car, and Max gets in his. Her fingers are still shaking―now, after finally being allowed to―as she types:

Max, I'd love to see you again. Are you free on Friday?