And the Snakes Start to Sing

When Josh and Oli met the first time, it was to work on the song ‘fuck’ that Oli had insisted Josh be a part of. They had known of each other before, listened to each other’s music and admired each other from a distance, but they had never met. When they did meet they clicked instantly, Josh being a sarcastic, sassy twat and Oli, well Oli just being pretty fucked up. It didn’t make sense to anyone else; they should hate each other. At least everyone thought they would hate each other, no one believed it would work out between them at all, but it did. They became close, very close.

The two vocalists became best friends, spending as much time together that was possible. However, this wasn’t really that much time, due to the two bands touring separately and having long and tiring schedules with recording and planning and the hard work people overlooked when it came to being in a band.

They also struggled to see each other because of Oli, for a long time Josh didn’t know why the older vocalist avoided seeing him in person as much as he did. Whenever the two were free in the same place, Oli would make excuses, but go out anyway with other people, and never once would he invite Josh along.

It confused Josh to no end, he didn’t understand, they were best friends? Why would Oli not want to spend time with him? So when the opportunity arose to have Oli featured on their new album and film a video for the song Josh grabbed it with both hands, seizing the perfect opportunity to spend some kind of time with him.

That was when Josh discovered Oli’s secret, which in reality turned out to not be so much of a secret. Oliver was a drug addict, for some reason Josh had been blissfully unaware of this fact, even though not everyone else was. Oli had kept it hidden form him on purpose; he believed fully that Josh would hate him, hate him and leave him when he found out. Josh was picture perfect in Oli’s mind, he had so few flaws, and even the flaws he did have were beautiful to Oliver. Yes beautiful, Oli thought Josh was the most beautiful, gorgeous, perfect thing he had ever had the pleasure of laying eyes on and he was completely, madly, truly in love with him.

When Josh asked him to be featured on Bite My Tongue Oliver wanted so badly to say no. He wanted to say he was too busy, that Josh should find somebody else; but when Josh sent him the lyrics to the song he couldn’t help but think it might have been about him, about how much he let Josh down, about how little time he spent with his so-called best friend. It made him feel like shit, and in all honestly there was no way he could say no to Josh about something this big, cancelling plans to go out and get fleeing with his mates, yeah that he could do, but he couldn’t say no to this.

It was the last night of recording, they had finally finished the song and they were going to go out to celebrate. Oli refused and refused and refused knowing that if he did go with them, to the club they planned on going to— which Oli was no stranger to— he would have no chance of not being recognized, offered drugs and taking them. He wouldn’t be able to help himself, and he did not want to take drugs around Josh. However, once again, he found it impossible to say no, Josh wouldn’t have let him say no anyway, the younger boy was ready to drag Oli out himself if he had to. So of course, they went to the club, Oli’s usual hook up was there and of course, was straight to him, offering whatever type of pill he had, purple tomorrowlands, Oli’s personal favourite strand of ecstasy, so of course, Oli couldn’t possibly refuse. He bought four, taking one right away and keeping the other three in his pocket to take throughout the night.

The night was great in all honesty, they all had fun, except Josh, who spent the night confused and upset, he had watched the guy head straight to Oli when they walked in, watch Oli drag him away and he watched consistently throughout the night as Oli got more and more fucked up.

Josh knew there was so much more to Oli taking the drugs than just doing it for the kicks, otherwise the older boy would not have hidden it form him the way he had for so long, no way. He would have never acted like he was ashamed of it; he wouldn’t have cared if Josh didn’t accept it. If Oli was truly comfortable with his drug abuse, he would not be afraid that Josh would reject him because of it, but he was, he was fucking terrified, because he couldn’t lose Josh.

Oli took the drugs because he hated himself; he hated himself so fucking much, for no fucking reason. He had a great fucking life, right? He’s in a successful band, has people throwing themselves at him, a clothing line that made him richer beyond his dreams. He was doing what he loves every day, but he just wasn’t happy. He hadn’t been happy in a long time.

He couldn’t stand himself, so he took the drugs to let himself feel anything other than worthlessness and self-hatred. He let the drugs pick him up and make him feel light as a feather, happy, blessed and peaceful, but of course, with a high comes a low. Every come down was worse than the last, each interval between drugs became worse than anything Oli had experienced before he even started taking them.

People say when you start self-harming, in any way, the relief given is only ever brief, and eventually, the time between each pull, each need for it becomes shorter, well, taking drugs? Taking drugs was Oli’s very own method of self-harm. He took drugs to make himself feel, to give himself a form of relief, but soon enough he needed them more, more of them and more often.

Josh could see this, he had always known there was something about Oli, something in the way he held himself, the way he sang, the way he wrote lyrics. Josh was always confident that Oli wasn’t as happy as he made himself out to be, and after that night, he was sure.

Josh was going to help him, which is exactly what he told Oliver that night when they got back to Josh’s home, he said he was going to help Oliver, and he meant it. As he laid his fucked friend on the couch, watching as the older boy shifted uncomfortably, moaned, and wiggled around trying to stand up but being physically unable to he had sighed, and swore down on everything he cared about that he would make Oliver better.
That was well over a year ago now, two long, hard and fucking stressful years for both boys. Josh knew it would be a long and difficult process getting Oli sober, he knew that it would be messy and emotional and probably make them hate each other a little, but he knew it would be worth it.

It took Oli months to even attempt to get off the drugs. It was shitting himself on stage that was really the final straw, as disgusting and embarrassing as it sounds, it fucking happened, and Oli couldn’t bare it anymore, the drugs were ruining his life. The life he had hated so much, which was made better by the drugs in the beginning, had become a nightmare, one that was truly unbearable for anyone that knew him.

He had phoned Josh up that night, crying and shaking, telling the younger boy that he needed him, that he needed his help, that he was done, he was done with the drugs, he was over it and that he needed Josh to be there for him. He needed Josh to help him through it.

Josh had constantly been on at him since that night at the bar, phoning him every day, seeing him as often as he could even if Oli objected, even if it meant sitting about while Oli got fucked, Josh would do it. He did it because he knew that one day he would get that call, he knew Oli well enough to know that deep down, the drug addict he had become, was not the person he wanted to be. Josh knew that one day Oli would realize what was happening to him and he would realize he had to stop.

When the day finally came, Josh couldn’t explain how relieved, how happy or how proud he was with words but he was scared. He was scared of how happy, of how relieved and of how proud he was. He cared about Oli; everyone knew that, Josh knew that. What others did not know however, was the extent of that care. Josh knew he was bi from a young age and didn’t really give a fuck, it was his business, he didn’t flaunt it, but he didn’t hide it either. Josh was seriously head over heels in love with Oliver Scott Sykes. He had been as long as he could remember, he had thought he was amazing, beautiful, before they even met, he would watch interviews and stalk blogs about him on the internet like your average fangirl, so you can only imagine what it was like for him when he was invited to feature on a BMTH song.

As soon as he heard Oliver on the phone that night he was on his feet and dressed, still on the phone to the older boy, trying to calm him and reassure him through the phone as he rushed out his apartment, heading straight for Oliver’s own. He had to get Oli, because the older boy had needed him right then and there and there was no way Josh was going to let the older boy suffer alone.

That all leads the two to where they are today; over a year on from Josh discovering Oliver’s problem. A year since Oliver reached out for Josh’s help, and nine months since they became an official couple.

It was nearly impossible in the begging for either boy to contain their feelings, they wanted so bad to come clean to the other. Josh’s constant talks and rants at Oli about how they had to trust each other and that Oli had to tell him everything that was going on in his mind for this to work, for him to get better fell on deaf ears when it came to Oliver’s feelings for the younger boy.

It was selfish really, but the true reason Oliver never came clean in the beginning was because he was terrified that Josh would reject him, leave him and let him spiral out of control and back to the drugs, the more rational side of Oliver knew that that would never happen, that Josh would never abandon him like that. That more rational side of Oliver however was terrified that even if Josh didn’t leave, it would eventually cause their friendship t deteriorate over time, or if Josh did feel the same which he highly doubted, what would happen if they split up? He needed Josh. He needed Josh like he had needed drugs; he needed Josh like he needed air to breathe. He would do nothing to risk that. To risk losing him, even if getting him and being in a relationship with him would have made him happier than anything would in the long run; he needed the consistency he had had from Josh at the time.

Now however, he couldn’t believe he had ever been so stupid. They were perfect for each other, everyone knew it, and everyone could see it. Even they could. They brought out the best in each other.

Of course, it wasn’t perfect, no relationship ever is, and nothing ever is. Oliver still hated himself; in fact he probably hated himself more than he had before. He was so ashamed, embarrassed of his drug addiction. He couldn’t believe he had let himself get to a place where he was shitting himself on stage, where he almost fucking died. Yeah, he defiantly hated himself more now than he ever had.

The difference this time though, was that Josh was always there to hold his hand, to rub his back, to give him reassuring kisses and tell him that he was perfect, to show him that he was going to be okay, that even if Oli hated himself, Josh fucking loved him.

Josh, and the professional that Josh had insisted he see (they refused to use the word therapist because having a therapist suggested there was something wrong and Josh didn’t want Oliver to think there was anything wrong with him; because there wasn’t, he had just made mistakes.) had suggested that Oliver use the one thing he always had in his life, music.

The woman, a Dr Walters, suggested that Oliver should write his emotions into lyrics. It was a brilliant idea in all honesty. Lyrics are a type of poetry she had said, smiling softly, they don’t always make sense, in fact they very rarely do, they are often just jumbled thoughts, analogies, metaphors and other things shoved together to fit a tune. But, she said, her smile growing wider, they always mean something. Lyrics, or good ones she had added, always have some kind of deeper meaning, one that like the meaning behind a poem, is hidden.

The idea was perfect; it allowed Oliver to vent everything he felt onto paper without having to make sense the way he would have to trying to talk to a person. He could write something, knowing himself exactly what it meant, have someone else look at it and have them eternally confused. He could express everything and anything through his lyrics.

So he began to write. He wrote and wrote spending more time bent over a notebook with a pen in one hand than he did doing anything else, except maybe Josh, for months. He single handily wrote fourteen songs in the space of three months, eleven of which became sempiternal, the other three left to hopefully, never be shown to anyone, the things written between those particular lines maybe a little too personal to be shared with anyone, never mind the public, just quite yet.

He didn’t show the lyrics to anyone for a long time, he kept them to himself for months, perfecting them, worrying over them, fearing the reaction they would have. He was also very scared about the reaction to the way he sang them would be; he had pulled back on his screaming a lot, using his voice in a much softer, yet desperate way. He found pulling back on the screams made the lyrics sound clearer but also worked with the lyrics, he sounded frantic, scared and distressed when he sang them. It was perfect.

Oli would close the door to the room he used to write in and practice, praying repeatedly that Josh (who lived with him now) would either be too busy to listen or just couldn’t hear. It wasn’t that he didn’t want Josh to hear, he was just nervous.

But of course, Josh was going to hear him eventually; he was going to listen one day.

Today is that day. Josh heard today, and today of course was the day Oli had decided he was going to dedicate to the one song that in all honesty, was based completely on his relationship with Josh. Of course, there were elements of the song that reflected his drug abuse, how could it not, but the song was really about Josh. It was about himself and his relationship with the younger boy.

The song was about how Oliver didn’t believe he was ever going to get better, because he wasn’t really getting better. He had stopped taking drugs yes, but he had started cutting. Again. It was something Oliver had done at a young age, when he was fifteen, just a young teenager lost and unsure. He had stopped after only a couple of months, realizing that it wasn’t helping him. He of course, over the years had relapsed and cut again, but now, he, in all honesty, had replaced the drugs with a blade.

Josh knew of course, they lived together, bathed together, slept together of course Josh knew. Josh also knew that he would fix Oliver one day; he knew that this would probably happen. Josh knew that Oli had become so reliant on the drugs to make him happy that without them, he would be depressed; he would be unhappy and he would be downright scared. Reverting to cutting was not a massive surprise to either of them, or Dr. Walters.

Hearing Oliver sing the song he had named ‘And the Snakes Start to Sing’ has to be one of the single hardest things Josh had ever experienced. It was an amazing song, the way Oliver worked his voice around it, his accent stronger than in any other, it was raw and true. But it was so fucking sad, you could feel his self-hate, you could feel his depression leaking through every word.

Josh had planned to just alert Oliver to the fact that dinner was ready when he heard it, he walked towards the room, Oliver’s voice getting clearer and clearer as he approached.

“…snakes start to sing.
Do you feel the chill?
Clawing at the back of your neck?
I start to spill.”

He had fallen against the door silently, leaning his arms against the wood, his forehead on his hands and slid down onto his knees, his arms and head sinking lower and lower as Oliver continued to sing.

“They'll sell your bones for another roll.
Well sharpen your teeth.
Tell yourself that it’s just business.
Worms come out of the woodwork.
Leeches crawl from out of the dirt.
Rats come out of the holes they call home,
And the snakes start to sing.”

He began to sob then, to anyone else the lyrics would seem like the ramblings of a man who didn’t feel at home, of someone who felt lost and forgotten. Josh knew different though, those lyrics were about him. Oli was scared. Josh knew that much before, but listening to Oliver sing that song, he realized just how broken his boyfriend was. He realized just how much Oliver needed him, of course he knew that the older boy needed him before, he knew Oli needed his support, needed his love and care, but at that moment it was like reality had hit, Oliver didn’t really want to be alive.

He had spoken of suicide to Josh before, in the comfort and dark of their bedroom, when they were tangled in each other and the sheets, when he felt completely safe, he had told Josh that sometimes, sometimes he didn’t see the point, didn’t see or feel any reason he for being alive. Josh had told him countless times of course that he was Oliver’s reason for being alive. Josh needed Oli too, without him he didn’t know what he would do. The song terrified Josh. It scared the living shit out of him, he hated that Oliver felt like that, he hated that Oliver didn’t think Josh wanted him; he didn’t feel good enough, that he didn’t want Josh to have to deal with him. That’s what the song was about; Josh knew that as soon as he heard the lyrics leave Oli’s mouth.

“I'm just a would've been, could've been,
Should've been, never was and never ever will be.
Well, sharpen your teeth.
Tell yourself that it's just business.
Would've been, could've been,
Should've been, never was, and never ever will be.
Worms come out of the woodwork,
And the snakes start to sing.

Worms come out of the woodwork.
Leeches crawl from out of the dirt
Rats come out of the holes they call home,
I fall apart.
And the snakes start to sing.

If you can't soar with the eagles,
Then don't fly with the flock.
Are you still getting high?
Did you catch your own reflection,
In the knife my mother held?
Or the hell in my father's eyes?

If you can't soar with the eagles,
Then don't fly with the flock.
Are you still getting by?
Was I your knight in shining armour?
The apple of your eye?
Or just a step to climb?

If you can't soar with the eagles,
Then don't fly with the flock.
Are you still getting high?
Did you catch your own reflection,
In the knife my mother held?
Or the hell in my father's eyes?

If you can't soar with the eagles,
Then don't fly with the flock.
Are you still getting by?
Was I your knight in shining armour?
Or the apple of your eye?
Or just a step, a fucking step to climb?”

Josh doesn’t know how long he lays there on the floor sobbing, it was obviously long enough for the song to be over, certain lines and lyrics causing the sobs to leave him harder than they had been, louder too. Of course, Oliver was going to hear him and he did, when he finished singing, when the song was over he heard the broken sobs coming from his boyfriend through the door.

Panic. Panic is the very first thing Oliver feels when he hears his boyfriends’ strangles sobs and gasps. He panics because he has never, ever heard the love of his life cry quite like that, and he has heard him cry many times. What Oliver is going through, the withdrawal, the depression, does not affect only him, but it affects Josh too, maybe even more so. Oliver doesn’t care about himself, that much is painstakingly obvious to anyone who dares look close enough, but Josh, Josh loves Oliver, he loves the older, tattooed man more than life itself and he has to sit and watch as the love of his life suffers, because, even if Oliver doesn’t care about himself, Josh does.

Josh broke down often, he would find Oli crying, or in the bathroom with fresh cuts, or even on just random days Josh would break. He would cry; he would throw things, he would get angry, not with Oliver of course, just at life. He got angry because he couldn’t help Oliver, he couldn’t save him, he didn’t know how to help him and he felt like he wasn’t doing enough, of course he never told Oli any of this. Oliver just understood that I was hard for his boyfriend to see him like that, because in all honesty, even seeing or hearing Josh cry broke his own heart, and Oliver knows that Josh loves him, so he cant even begin to imagine what he must go through.

This is what spurs on Oliver’s second emotion, concern. Concern and a gripping fear are what Oliver feels next, mixed with his panic. What happened? What could possibly have caused Josh to cry like this? Is he okay?

The time taken for all of these things to run through Oliver’s mind, from the initial panic, to now, feels like years, it stretches and it’s like time had slowed down, was in reality Oli split seconds as he rushes forwards, throwing the door open.

The first thing he notices is the smell, meat pie, that’s what Josh had been making for dinner. It’s in the moment that Oliver understand exactly why Josh is crying, his boyfriend would have come to tell him that dinner was ready, he would have heard the song. The second thing of course, behind the initial impacting smell is the small and shaking body on ground that is his boyfriend, his sobs had faded, sniffles and a few gasping sighs are all the sound being made. Oliver is on his knees in seconds, leaning over and pulling his boyfriend up and into his lap, letting him bury his head into his chest and wrapping his arms around the still shaking man. Oliver rocks him, sways slightly from side to side, back and forward calming Josh as you would with an upset baby or child, words of love and reassurance leaving Oliver’s lips without pause as more sobs ripple through his body.

Oliver can feel tears welling in his own eyes as he holds Josh to him, he knows, he understanding that it is the song, it could only have been the song, nothing else could have happened in that time frame to cause Josh such distress, he must have heard the entire thing. Oliver knows the lyrics are a mind fuck, but he also knows that Josh would understand them, but he knows he would take them the very wrong way. He knows that Josh would be blaming himself, he knows, even though Josh ahs never told him, he knows that Josh feels like he isn’t doing enough, he knows Josh is insecure and that the younger wishes he could do more for Oliver. There is nothing more that Josh could be doing though, Josh is doing everything, he is doing everything he can, he is loving and caring about Oli and that’s enough.

When Josh finally calms, he doesn’t move from his position in Oliver’s arms, instead buries his head further into his lovers warmth and sighs, out of embarrassment more than anything else, he is so ashamed of his reaction, he is so ashamed that he broke down like that, as extensive as that in front of Oliver, he had cried an had broken down with him before, but never quite like that.

“Joshy, baby? I’m sorry, I am so sorry” Oli begins, but as soon as an apology leaves his lips, Josh’s head whips up.

“Don’t apologies Oli, please don’t, it’s me that should be sorry, I shouldn’t have been listening, I shouldn’t have freaked out, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to.” Is all Josh manages to get out, he doesn’t want to have to explain to Oliver why he was so affected by the song, but he knows that his boyfriend won’t leave it alone.

“Talk to me Joshy, please, tell me what’s the matter, I know the song; the lyrics, are emotional and sad, but I want you to talk to me, I need you to talk to me Josh.”

Josh really had no idea what he is going to say to his boyfriend, he doesn’t know how he is going to explain everything that had gone through his mind when he heard those heart breaking lyrics. The way Josh heard them, it sounded like Oli had given up, to him, it was like his boyfriend saw absolutely no reason for survival, no reason for getting better, and no reason for living. It was like he didn’t even want to be helped, he didn’t want Josh to be there for him, he didn’t want to be saved, it was like the voices, the ‘snakes’, that Oli sings about are telling him he isn't good enough, he knows Oliver doesn’t think much of himself but those lyrics, the hate and anger that Josh could feel from them, it was destroying. Josh couldn’t help but hear the desperation and the loneliness in them, the complete lack of motivation to even think about getting better. He understands, from those lyrics alone, that not only does Oliver not want to get better, not want to survive, not want to live, but he doesn’t even think he deserves to. It is obvious that Oliver doesn’t think he deserves to be breathing, he doesn’t think he deserves to live and survive, he doesn’t think he deserves Josh; he doesn’t think Josh wants him.

Josh tried to explain all of this to Oli, trying to word and explain why he had gotten upset without upsetting the older boy in the process. It’s not that they don’t talk about it, they do, of course, they do, how else would Josh be helping him get better. The thing was though, it was usually Oliver who spoke, unless Josh was spewing as many words of comfort and support as he could muster up (there really is only so much you can say before your just repeating yourself) it was Oliver who ranted about how he was feeling, it was Oliver who had to try and express everything that was running through his mind, not Josh.

Oliver couldn’t quite believe how much his boyfriend had been holding back from him, he knew that it was hard for Josh seeing him like this, but he had never quite grasped just how personal Josh took everything, it made his heart swell. Josh’s confession was doing nothing but make Oliver love him more, it was showing the elder just how much Josh actually loved and cared about him, and really Oliver didn’t need anything else, all he needed was Josh’s love and support.

Of course though, Josh was way off, well, in a way he was, the song was depressing, and yes it was about suicide and depression and every other issue Oliver had going on, but it wasn’t supposed to be taken the way Josh had interpreted it, it was supposed to be a song of hope, in a slightly sick and twisted way it was actually a song who’s lyrics were not about how much Oliver wanted to off himself, instead it was the opposite. The lyrics were supposed to show that Oliver was fighting, that is how he himself had written it, it’s how he wished it to be interpreted and he needed Josh to see this.

“hey Joshy, shh, I get it, I know I’m sorry; I never wanted to make you feel like this, you are more than enough, in fact you’re too much, you are far too good for and to me, I couldn’t ask any more of you, and I never ever would, please don’t ever think that you’re not good enough for me love okay?”

Josh couldn’t only nod, Oliver was speaking so softly, so calmly and controlled, it was like he in the seconds between Josh’s speech ending and his own beginning he had planned exactly what he was going to say.

“You are wrong though, that’s not what this song is about, or not really anyway. I can see exactly why you have taken it the way you have but let me explain okay?”

Again Josh just nods, waiting for his boyfriend to continue, they had shifted slightly so they were leaning against the wall next to the door, Josh’s head on Oliver’s should, both their legs bent up to their chests, fingers tangles together. Oliver takes a deep breath, mentally preparing himself for his confession.

“Yes, I am suicidal. Yes I do think about it a lot and yes sometimes I do feel like life is totally pointless and useless and that I would be better off dead, but I don’t want to die Josh, I don’t want to think like this, I don’t want to be feeling like this. I wasn’t to fight, I want to grow up and I want to get better Josh I do, I promise you that. That song, that’s what that song is about,”- cause heavens full and hell won’t have me”, I don’t wanna go to heaven or hell, that’s what that line means, it’s not me putting myself down, well in a way it is, but really that’s not how I want it to be interpreted, I want to be here, on earth with you, I want to make myself a better person, I want to open up to you and live, I don’t want to go to hell and I don’t want to go to heaven,” the elder repeats this, trying to make Josh believe him. This song had been the most recent one he had written, it was the brightest, in his opinion, of them all, it was the song that gave him hope the he would get better, it was a song that reflected even the tiniest of improvement that had been made to his condition, it was a song that made Oliver believe that he really was going to make it through this.

“wont you make some room in your bed?’,’” he sings the line softly into Josh ear, making the younger shiver, “It's like a cry for help, not that I don’t feel welcome or cared for or loved, it’s the little part of my brain that is fighting back talking, the little part of me that really does want to survive. I know you are here for me, I know that there is room for me in yo- our bed, I want you to fix me Joshy, I want you to help me, I know that that’s all you want as well. That’s what this song is about Josh, it’s about me wanting to get better, not wanting to give up, and never giving up. Even though everything is fucking shit right now, there is a small part of me that was never there before that really does actually want to get better and you’re the one who’s made that possible, you’ve given me faith and hope in myself. You’ve made me strong Joshy.”

~*~**~*~

Three weeks later the two feel like things are only going to keep getting better, after that night Oliver never stopped telling Josh just how much he loved and appreciated him, telling him he was perfect and there was nothing more he could be doing, that everything he was doing was ‘fucking fantastic’ in his own words.

The two were currently on the couch in their living room making out heavily and viciously, the bowl of popcorn laid cold and long forgotten on the floor and the movie still plating in the background was nothing more than background noise to the two men. Josh was lying with his back resting against the armrest of the couch so he was at an angle, his knees were bent so his feet were flat against the soft material, and Oliver was on his knees in between Josh’s legs, his hands resting on either side of Josh’s face to holds himself up. Both of their shirts were also long forsaken, and the way Josh was fiddling with the button and zipper of Oliver’s jeans it didn’t seem like their trousers were going to last much longer either.

“mfph, fuck, Oliver” Josh moans as the older ‘accidently’ grinds down against his bulge in attempt t assist the younger boy in removing his jeans, “I need you Oliver,”

Josh knows that calling the elder by his full name while they are in bed is one Oli’s favourite things, he loves the way the three syllables roll of his boyfriends tongue when he moans the name.

“You gonna ride me Joshy? I want you to ride me, right here on the couch; will you do that for me? Fuck yourself down on me good, make us both cum?” To someone who didn’t speak English is would sound like Oliver was declaring his love for the younger with the tone he was using. He managed to make himself sound so sweet and innocent while such dirty words were falling from his lips, it was such a turn on for Josh that really there was no way he was arguing with his boyfriend over this.

All Josh has to do is moan, quite loudly as well, in reply to Oliver’s words to let the other know that he was all for it, once the delicious noise passes his lips Oliver waits no time at all in flipping them over so Josh is straddling him. Oliver bends his knees almost identically to how Josh had had his so that the younger can lean back against his thighs but also still be straddling him comfortably. He moves his hands to Josh’s hips, lifting him and letting him hover above him while he unbuttons and unzips his own jeans, hearing Josh begin to do the same. He lifts his hips off the couch so he can pull the denim over his ass and down his legs while simultaneous rubbing his already obnoxiously hard dick against Josh’s arse, causing the younger boy to shudder above him.

Once they had both managed to get rid of their jeans (neither without difficulty), the resume form where they had left off, except this time Josh was on top. The younger of the two was leaning forward sucking marks into Oliver's neck and collar bones and chest, gradually getting lower and lower until he was nearing the top of his stomach and Oliver ha to straighten out his legs so Josh could move ever further downwards.

Josh continued sucking marks into his boyfriend’s skin and was now sitting on the boys shins. He tapped Oliver's sides letting him know he needed to lift his hips again, once he had Josh pulls his boxers down, lifting himself off Oliver's legs so he can kick them off once they were around his ankles. Josh wastes no time in leaning down once more this time wrapping his lips around his boyfriend, taking everything right until his nose is pressed against Oliver’s skin once more.

Josh loves the way Oliver stutters out a moan and bucks his hips up when his cock hits the very back of Josh’s throat, he loves how little control Oliver had over his body, and Josh has all the power right now, in a situation like this Oliver is putty in his hands. It’s one of Josh’s favourite things in the world.

“Fuck, fuck, Josh if you don’t stop I won’t last, fuck” Oliver manages to finally get the words out; he had been struggling in between gasps of pleasure and ragged moans of Josh’s name.

Josh pulls off his boyfriend, his breathing is heavy and slightly ragged from the speed at which he had been bobbing his head, but he fucking loves it. He knows exactly what is coming next when Oliver spread his legs a little and urges Josh to move forward, the elder once again bent his knees this time leaving enough of a gap in between them so he is able to read a single hand round and slip a single finger inside Josh.

There is no pain, Josh is far too used to this to feel any kind of pain so it’s less than a minute until Oliver had three fingers moving swiftly in and out of Josh, hitting his prostate every few thrusts. It’s roughly three minutes of moaning and withering and groaning before Josh tell him to stop, that he is ready.

“You sure Josh? I can stretch you mo-“ Josh refuses to even let Oliver finish his sentence instead choosing to lift himself up and sink back down, this time onto his boyfriends cock, of course they both moan right away, the feeling of being so full feels amazing for Josh and the way the always tights muscles of Josh’s ass clamp around him. Oliver would swear on his life that Josh is just as tight then and there as he was the very first time they had sex.

Once Josh feels he is used to the slight burn that never seems to go away no matter how often they do this he lifts himself upwards, letting Oliver’s cock slide out of him almost all the way before sinking back down, quicker this time. He has his knees bent on both sides of Oliver and his hands flat on his boyfriends’ chest, his back is arched and his head thrown back, Oliver swears he has never seen anything as sexy or beautiful in his whole entire life. His hair is slightly damp from sweat and is sticking to his forehead in places, the rest is messy and poking up in all different directions from the amount of pulling and grasping Oliver had done during the blowjob.

It isn’t long before Josh begins to tire, the speed at which he literally been bouncing in Oliver’s lap at slowing just slightly letting Oliver know it was time he actually did some work. The next time Josh raises himself Oliver snaps his hips up sharply and quickly just as Josh begins to lower himself again, the noise that leaves his boyfriends lips as his prostate is hit dead on is enough to spur Oliver on, he increases the speed of his hips, slamming up into Josh as quickly as he can, there is no rhythm, Josh bouncing at his own pace and Oliver slamming upwards at a completely different one.

“Fuck Joshy, so good, good boy, riding me like a whore, fucking perfect you are you know that, you gonna make me cum baby boy?”

The slight age play that always seems to slip past Oliver’s lips during sex really shouldn’t turn Josh on but fuck, it does. He loves it when Oliver calls him baby boy or anything alone those lines. He loves how Oliver can use the word whore and then call him baby boy in the same sentence but it sounds fucking perfect.

“Fuck Oli touch me, please fuck I need to cum, please,” Josh begs his boyfriend; Oliver loves it when he begs. There are no objections, Oliver had been close to his own release for a while, considering the blowjob he had already received, the second his hand wraps around Josh’s leaking, throbbing cock the younger is moaning louder, and his breathing becomes even more erratic than it had been. All it takes is Oliver slamming upwards once more straight onto Josh’s prostate and the younger boy is falling apart above him, head thrown back, a moan of his boyfriends name slipping past his lips as he releases all over Oliver’s chest. The way Josh’s muscles tighten almost impossibly around him and the erotic circles Josh had started rolling his hips in are more than enough to send Oliver over the edge as well, he all but screams as he spills inside Josh.

The hand that had been resting on Josh’s side mover around him, tightening around his back as his own arms fail beneath him and he lays almost flat on top of Oliver, knees still bent. They are both exhausted, but completely and totally blessed out, neither cares that they are covered n cum, that they are sweaty and gross, they are far too comfortable and happy to move. Josh eventually does move though, lifting himself to the side slightly, pushing Oliver over so they are both lying on their sides and letting Oliver drape and arm over him. He feels something warm and cosy landing on top of him and he knows Oli had dragged the blanket form the back of the couch over them. He feels himself sigh in content, and seconds later he hears a whispered ‘I love you’ in his ear, which he barely manages to return before he is fast asleep in his boyfriends arms.

~*~**~*~

Two weeks later everything till seems to be getting better, they are happy, Oliver is getting better, the band had all approved of the songs and they had started recoding. Oliver couldn’t really explain how happy it made him that his band had liked the songs, they were so personal and emotional he was terrified they would reject them, if the band had rejected the music it would almost be as if they had rejected him as a person as well.

Josh was out with his sister; she had phoned the night before demanding that she would be stealing him away for a few hours the following day, she claimed that Oliver was stealing him from her and that they were in desperate need of a shop, a Nandos and a heart to heart. Oliver was not going to reject, the older Franceschi sibling could be bloody scary sometimes.

Oliver was currently on the couch, he was watching adventure time and eating cereal, pretty much, what he had been doing all day, the band had decided not to go into recording today, and they had all agreed they needed a day of rest. Oliver was very much enjoying his so far, sometimes it was nice for him to have a little peace and quiet, of course he loved having Josh around but it was nice to have his own time every once in a while.

This is the exact reason he felt himself groan in frustration when the doorbell of the apartment rang. He had no idea who it could have been, no one ever really came buy unless they had been invited or called first. Dan had once made the mistake of doing so and had actually walked in (they all had keys) on the two fucking on the couch, much like they had two weeks earlier. The drummer had claimed he was scarred for life and was never going to sit on the couch again.

When Oliver opened the door he couldn’t help but cower slightly in fear, he felt himself back away, he wanted to slam the door shut on the persons face but he was almost frozen in shock.

“What the fuck are you doing here Leo?” the venom in livers voice was clear as day, you could feel how much despised the man in front of him.

“Aw shucks Oliver, here I was thinking you would be happy to see me! You hadn’t been to see me for a fix in so long I was starting to get worried about you! Thought id stop by, you know, a courtesy meeting of sorts.” The tall, tanned and very intimidating man standing on the other side of the door was the very last person Oliver had wanted to be at the door. The idea that it could have been him hadn’t even crossed his mind, Oliver had no idea how his old drug dealer knew where he lived and that thought alone terrified him.

“Fuck off, I’m not interested, you know that. I’m clean. Had been for months now, I really don’t know how you know where I live but you need to leave.” Oliver goes to close the door, suddenly aware of the fact that he needs to get himself out of this situation as quickly as possible, he almost succeeds in shutting it but Leo manages to wedge his foot between the door and its frame before Oliver can fully close it over.

“Hey now Oli, come on I just want a catch up! I’ve missed you mate!” to anyone else it would genuinely sound like Leo had just been missing his ‘friend’ but Oliver knew him better than that, Leo never did anything with pre intentions he always had some kind of ulterior motive. He is strong though, and very threatening so Oliver relents, letting him push the door open and walk in like he owns the place.

“Well you're in now, what do you want?” Oliver asks, he is still standing, his arms crossed protectively over his chest, his voice is emotionless, he wants this over and done with a quickly as possible.

Leo takes a few steps towards him, a mean smile upon his lips and Oliver cannot help but cower away in fear, Leo sees this and smirks, “well Oliver,” he spits his name at him like its dirt, and Oliver flinches, “I wanted to know what the fuck happened to my best fucking customer. Do you have any idea how much fucking money I have lost because you decided to ‘get clean’? Huh do you?”

He is now right in Oliver’s face, their noses almost touching, Oliver had backed against the wall but Leo had just kept coming towards him. Oliver, if you asked him, would not deny that he was absolutely terrified, he had seen firsthand the damage Leo could do with his bare hands, and he knew that the older man was very pissed off with him. Oliver had been his best customer, buying between ten and twenty pills off him a week.

“Look mate, I would say I was sorry but I’m not, getting sober is the best thing I have ever done, I'm sorry you lost money because I stopped but I’m not gonna start using again. Ever.” Oliver tries not to sounds scared but he knows he does but that doesn’t matter to Leo, he doesn’t give a shit that Oliver is shitting himself, all he cares about is money.

“Please just leave Leo.”

That’s all it takes for Leo to snap, he had been so close to beating the shit out of Oliver since the second the tattoos man had opened the door but he had restrained himself, now however, Oli was just being downright disrespectful and he was having none of that. He raises his fist and slams it down against Oliver’s jaw. Oli’s head snaps back and whacks off the wall behind him, he yelps in pain and cowers, Leo doesn’t let up however, he just draws his fist back again this time landing a sOlid punch on Oliver’s stomach, he continues this, getting punches in anywhere he can.

Oliver doesn’t know why but he just takes it, he lets Leo beat him until he is broken and blood on the floor. He watches as Leo digs into his pocket and throws a plastic baggy onto the floor beside him, he watches as his former drug dealer walks away towards the door, leaving the bag with five small cylindrical pills in it behind, he watches as the piece of shit turns around before closing the door, he watches as he smirks and speaks one final time, “let's see how long you stay clean with those kicking about, I’ll see you in, “he muses for a second, clearly enjoying what he is doing, “a week, I give it a week before your crawling back to me begging me to sell you again. You are a piece of shit Oliver, and addict and you always will be.” He slams the door behind him as he finally leaves.

The second the door is fully closed Oliver lets go, the tears that had been burning his eyes since the first punch had been delivered are finally released, spilling over and beginning to run down Oliver’s face, not stopping or slowing. He curls in on himself even more than he already had; bringing his knees to his chest and wrapping his arms around them, he cries and cries. Sobs rack through his body as he gasps and heaves for breath. His head is spinning and his heart is beating wildly, he knows he is having a panic attack, h knows exactly what s going on but he doesn’t really know. He is disorientated and disconnected, It doesn’t feel like the sobbing mass on the floor is his own body, it doesn’t feel like the ragged sobs he can hear are his own. The pain he feels, it’s almost as if he can’t feel it.

He has no idea how long he lies there for, all he knows is that Josh will be home soon and he has to do something. He knows for a fact he is going to be bruised, he can feel that his lip is busted and his jaw is more than likely bruised pretty badly too, he doesn’t even want to think about the damage that has been done to his torso.

And the drugs. He had no idea what to do with them. He doesn’t want to take them, of course he doesn’t, he doesn’t plan on taking them, but he doesn’t think he can throw them away, he doesn’t think he had enough will power for that, he also knows however that Josh cannot find them, Josh cannot know that it was Leo that was here and beat him up. He will have to lie, make something up, say he went to the shop to buy something and was cornered by a random that was trying to mug him, he’ll say he didn’t have his phone or wallet with him when he went, that he had just grabbed a few quid and walked down.

When he does finally move, it’s not very much, he sits up against the wall, taking deep breaths to ignore the pain he is feeling, once he feels he can move he swipes up the little baggy and moves himself into a standing position, once again pausing to lean against the wall. He brings the small plastic zip lock bag up to his face, looking straight into it. There are five purple pills. They are cylindrical, purple tomorrow lands. His favourite.

The temptation is horrendous, it makes Oliver hate himself just that little bit more than he had. He had been doing so well, he had been getting better, it had been five weeks since he had truly opened up to Josh and told him that he did actually want to get better and he had been. It was getting just a little bit easier to smile, to laugh, he wasn’t cutting nearly as much as h had bee, he was almost a week clean now, but he knew it wouldn’t last much longer.
He hated that he wanted o take the drugs, he hated that there was nothing he wanted more at that moment in time than to open the baggy and swallow all five, he wanted to drop them one after another, he wanted to be so fucked out his mind that he couldn’t remember a thing, he wanted to forget his own fucking name and that terrified and disappointed him. Oliver had never ever wanted to be faced with the idea of being tempted by drugs again never mind actually have so many in his possession, which he could so readily and easily take.

He finally pulls himself away from the safety of the wall, staggering towards the bathroom and pulls the door shut behind him. He doesn’t come out for almost an hour.

When Josh finally returns home that evening he is in such a good mood and Oliver hates the way that good mood evaporates into nothingness the second Josh’s eyes land on Oliver’s face.

“Oh my god Oli what happened to your face?!” His boyfriend rushes towards him, taking his face in his soft hands. Oliver feels the pads of Josh’s fingers tips running over his jaw and he can’t help but wince at the pain.

“Oliver Scott Sykes, look at me,” Oliver had been avoiding looking his boyfriend straight in the face, instead he had chosen to keep his eyes trained on the ground in front of him or the wall, or his hands; anywhere really that wasn’t Josh so when Josh gently lifts Oliver’s head so he is forced to look him in the eye he breaks, tears begin pouring from his eyes and unwanted whimpers fall from his lips, “What happened to your face Oli?”

Josh’s voice is so soft, soothing and kind, which only results in Oliver crying even harder, he leans forward falling into Josh's welcome and warm embrace, the guilt Oli is already feeling and he hasn’t even told the lie yet is unreal. He hates himself so much already.

“Shh baby calm down, shh its okay, let it out than tell me what happened ok?” So Oliver does, he lets out all his frustrations and anger and resentment, he lets out his guilt and fear, everything, he cried it out into Josh’s chest. The cuts on his face sting from the tears but Oliver can’t help but feel he deserves it. Once he has finally calmed enough to speak, he stalls, taking much too long to even out his breathing than was really necessary just so he can finalize his lies, his excuse.

“I was mugged, I really wanted Doritos and that salsa sauce so I grabbed a couple of quid and walked to the store,” he pauses, gasping and evening his breathing again. To Josh it just looked like he was upset still when in all honesty Oliver was just doing everything he could to make the lie believable. Josh moves his hand from Oliver’s so it’s on his back and starts rubbing soft soothing circles into the material of the shirt, it calms Oli down. “I was on my way and some prick comes out of nowhere, he dragged me into one of the side streets. I was so scared Joshy, he wanted my wallet and my phone, he wanted everything I had on me, but I didn’t have anything on me Josh! Didn’t even take my phone or my iPod or anything, I had like four pound on me or something. He got so mad when he didn’t find anything, he was so angry, it was like it was my fault so he just…”

Oliver trails off, not really knowing what else to say but Josh just continues to rub circles on his back, whispering words of comfort and pulling the younger forward into his chest again, hugging him but not too tightly just in case of useable bruises.

“It's okay Ols, I get it, don’t worry.” Josh is being as supportive as he can be, he is trying to say all the right things, make Oliver feel better because he is clearly distressed, Josh just can’t seem to get rid of this horrible nagging in the back of mind though, he just has a feeling, a gut feeling that something isn’t quite right with the story. Josh has a feeling Oliver isn’t telling him the truth.

Of course, there was no denying that someone had beaten him up, there was no doubt in Josh’s mind about that, but he just wasn’t so sure if the story Oliver had told him about how it happened was as true.

“I felt so weak Joshy, I felt helpless and completely out of control, I hated it. I was terrified.” Oliver reveals, and that it true, the story he told Josh may have been complete lies, but that right there, the fear and loathing, the weakness and vulnerability, that’s real.

Josh doesn’t say anything else, he just takes a hold of Oliver’s hand, gets up and starts walking towards their bedroom, Oliver of course just follows blindly behind him, Josh drags him to their room, he takes out two over sized tanks telling Oliver to strip and put it on while he himself does the same. Once they are both in what they would class as their pajamas’ they lay down on the bed, Josh opening his arms for Oliver and letting the older boy cuddle against him.

They stay like that all night, neither moving or speaking, they lay like that until Oliver is sure it had worked and Josh had believed him and until Josh is 100% sure that Oliver had been lying to him. They stay like that wrapped in each other’s arms until they are both fast asleep.

~*~**~*~

“Oliver. What the fuck are these.”

Things had been good for two days; well as good as they could have been with everything going on in their lives all the time. Oliver begins to actually believe that his lie had succeeded and Josh, even though he cannot get rid of the nagging feeling in the back of his mind begins to convince himself that he was being stupid, delusional, that Oliver loved him and wouldn’t lie to him.

Josh’s voice was completely calm, there was no shouting, not screaming, just calm. And that sacred Oliver more than anything in the world. He was lying on their bed, his laptop on his chest, head propped up on pillows. He had music playing out loud, he was listening to Northlane, they were a band he had met, socialized with but had never really gotten around to listening to; even though he had every intention of doing so. So when he did finally listen and fell in love, he didn’t really stop.

The tone of Josh’s voice made him pause it though.

Once again, Oliver feels panic shoot through his entire body, he knows exactly what Josh is talking about before he even moves a muscle. Josh had been showering, and more than likely shaving as well. Oliver had hidden the baggy with the pills in it in the bathroom, in the cabinet, behind a few bottles and boxes, he genuinely didn’t think Josh would have found it, but Oli knew he had.

“OLIVER SCOTT SYKES YOU ANSWER ME THIS INSATNSE, WHAT THE FUCK ARE THESE?” the silence clearly lasted just a few seconds too long for Josh, he had expected Oliver to be groveling on the ground for his forgiveness by now, he didn’t expect no reaction at all. He barely took into consideration that Oliver was actually just frozen in panic, shock and fear. Josh just loses it.

“You're fucking using again aren’t you? What, while I’ve been out, popping a pill? While I’m sleeping? How long have you been on them again? Why wouldn’t you tell me? How could you not tell me? I thought you loved me Oliver, I ask you every single fucking day how you are, how you’re feeling, if you’re feeling tempted, I have dedicated so much of my fucking time to you and this is how you fucking repay me?! I fucking love you Oliver and you throw it back in my face! Do you even love me?”

When Josh says this Oliver knows it’s time for him to step in, “Fuck, Josh, yes of course I fucking love you, I love you so fucking much it actually physically pains me how much I love you, I adore you, I idOlize you, you are my fucking everything Josh.”

“If that were true you would have told me you were using again you ass, you wouldn’t have lied to me!” Josh yells, Oliver hadn’t raised his voice, but he had turned and stood, he was now directly in front of Josh, barely a foot away from him.

“I’m not using again Josh, I promise you, you could take me down to a doctors right now and text my blood, you could test me and I swear on my life, your life, Jordan, max, all three matt’s, Chris, everyone’s lives, that I am not using!”

Josh doesn’t believe him, why would he? He had had a gut feeling that Oliver had been lying to him, he had just fucking found drugs hidden in their bathroom and in the same place Oliver hides his fucking blades as well. Josh was not an idiot. “I don’t believe you. Is that why you got beat up, get in a fight with one of your fucking dealers or some shit? You stupid fucking idiot Oliver, how could you? Why would you? How could you do this to me! How could you do this to yourself! You were doing so fucking well, I thought you were getting better,” and it’s now the tears finally come, Josh finally breaks down, letting it out. It’s not even anything major or dramatic; he doesn’t fall to his knees and sob hysterically again. His voice just simply drops, no longer screaming or even yelling, a couple of tears roll down his checks and his voice cracks, “I thought I was finally helping you.”

And then Oliver breaks as well, he wishes he could just go back two days, he wishes he could back and just tell Josh the truth in the first place, if he had just handed over the drugs, if he had just told him what happened in the first place none of this would have ever happened.

“Joshy, please, listen to me, I know what it looks like and I won’t deny that I lied to you, but I didn’t lie about using, I am not using. I pinkie fucking promise I am not using. But I did lie, you were spot on, it was a dealer who beat me up, but I didn’t buy those drugs and I haven’t taken them. Please just let me explain what happened, please Josh.” Oliver holds out his pinkie, Josh had always been funny about pinkie promises, Oliver thinks it must be a childhood thing, but to Josh pinkie promises were sacred like the holy grail or some shit. The second Oliver had mentioned a pinkie promise Josh’s head had snapped up, he knew that Oliver knows how he feels about them, so the fact that his boyfriend would even suggest one convinces him that he should at least listen.

“I am so fucking pissed off at you but fucking fine, talk.”

“When you were out with Els, Leo, my old dealer, I have no idea how he knew where I lived, he just turned up her, I tried to make him leave, I tried to shut the door on him but he jammed his foot in it, he barged in, I tried to make him leave I swear. He yelled at me, told me that because I stopped buying he was losing money, he was trying to talk me into using again, I promise it didn’t work though, I told him to get to fuck, I tried to make him leave, I did, I really did. But he just, he got so mad Josh, he flew at me, he just kept going, I was lying on the floor when he stopped, I was bleeding and bruised and he just threw the baggy at me, five pills in it, he left them on the ground in front of me and he said I'll see you in a few days', he thought that by leaving them here it would make me use, but I didn’t I swear, I haven’t taken any, look how many is in there, five. Five. He gave me five. There are still five there. Josh you’ve got to believe me, I’m telling you the truth.”

Josh knows Oliver is telling the truth, he can see it in his eyes, feel it in the emotion of his words, he is just so fucking mad at him though, that for some reason the truth just makes it worse, just makes him angrier.

“You, Oliver, are a fucking idiot. You’re such a fucking asshole! What the actual fuck Oliver, I am so fucking disappointed in you! What the fuck didn’t you call me? Why the fuck didn’t you throw them away straight away? The fact that you kept them, were you fucking planning on taking them? Why wouldn’t you get rid of them? Why wouldn’t you call the pOlice? Call me! Call Jordan, Matt, vegan, or fucking someone! Why would you do this to yourself, keeping them here, torturing yourself? You know as well as I do that you would have given in eventually. You're fucking weak Oliver!”

The last sentence hits Oliver hard, it feels like he has been punched in the gut all over again, a single tear drips from his eye and he looks down, watching as it rips off his face and onto the carpet.

“Don’t fucking cry! This is your own fucking fault! Come here, come on you fucking cunt.” Oliver doesn’t even think, he just robotically follow Josh into the kitchen, they end up at the sink, and Josh old out the baggy to him, Oliver doesn’t want to take it, he tried to refuse it but Josh insists.

“I want you to take each individual pill and drop it down the drain. I want you to turn to the water on and watch them fucking disappear.”

Oliver does so; he does it without even hesitating, in seconds all five are gone, washed away by the water. He keeps his eyes on Josh the entire time though, making sure his boyfriend sees that there is no hesitation what so ever in doing it. Josh watches, he sees that Oliver is perfectly willing to do it, but it doesn’t make his anger fade instead for some reason it once again just makes him even angrier, he actually thinks he is seeing red.

“Was that so fucking hard, you piece of shit? Was it? No, it wasn’t, you could have done that, and you could have gotten rid of them the second they were left here! You didn’t have to fucking keep them! Why the fuck would you keep them if you weren’t gonna take them huh? You say you aren’t using, and fuck I believe you because I can tell when you are lying, I knew you were lying about being mugged, I don’t know how I knew but I fucking knew, and I know you’re not lying now. You aren’t using now, but you were obviously planning on it weren’t you, you little fucking shit!”

Again, Oliver just lets his tears fall, he deserves every word, and he keeps his eyes on the ground.

“You’re fucking pathetic; I will never ever understand you. I have done so much to try to help you and look what you go and do, lie to me, throw all my efforts back in my face! I don’t even know what to do with you anymore Oliver, I don’t know if I can keep doing this, I’m giving you my all, I’m giving you everything, I am trying to help you and make you better and this is how you repay me? I don’t know if I can help you, you say you want to be helped that song, you say it’s about you wanting to get better? Bullshit, if you wanted to get better you wouldn’t stash drugs in the house! Even if you weren’t planning to take them, even if you weren’t on again, you wouldn’t fucking have them would you? Oliver I don’t know if you can be saved.”

“I don’t know if you can be saved and I can’t fucking believe you would lie to me.” Josh’s hand flies up to his head and he pulls on his hair in frustration, he is so fucking mad, he is fuming, he knows if he stays here he will just say more things he knows he will regret. He already almost, almost regrets half the things he has said, so he knows he has to leave, he has to get out, go to someone’s house and talk, calm down. He needs time.

“I’m going out. Don’t wait up. I love you” Is all he says before he is gone, phone and keys slipped in pocket and jacket flung on over loose tank and joggy bottoms. The 'I love you' is really what does it. It sounds flat, it sounded like a habit, it didn’t have much meaning behind it, or to Oliver it didn’t wound like it did and that, that really breaks him, it what causes him to fall apart at the seams, to flip and fall back into that hole he had fought so long to get out of and now, the person who had pulled and pushed him out, was the very one who had pushed him right back in with one phrase circling him mind, 'I don’t know if you can be saved Oliver'.

~*~**~*~

Josh goes to Max’s house; he had known Max the longest. It may not seem like it but he and Max were best friends. They may not hang out as much at the rest of them do, but they were brothers, always had been and always would be. That’s why he knows max’s is his best bet. He knew max would tell him he was a fucking idiot, in fact, Josh was already telling himself that, it had been an hour and he was just walking, he hadn’t gotten to max’s yet but he knew that was where he was headed, he was just going the long way.

When he finally gets there, he wants to turn round and run home, he wants to throw himself into Oliver’s arms and never let him go again, he wants to cry and apologize and tell the idiot that he fucking loves him. He had said it on his way out, because it was true, he was mad, he was fucking furious, he felt betrayed and lost and hurt, but he still fucking loved Oliver, he loved him with all his fucking heart and he was never ever going to leave him without saying it, without letting him know. No matter how fucking furious Oliver could make I’m, he would never ever leave him without an 'I love you.'

The door of max’s house flies open, and Josh realizes that he actually hadn’t en knocked yet, he is about to enquire and then he realizes he had actually been standing there for a good ten minutes; it’s no surprise max had actually noticed him.

“I wasn’t sure if you were ever going to actually knock or come if, so I thought I would do the honors myself!” the ever perky Max pipes up, he has an unlit cigarette in his hand, and Josh silently thanks the lord for nicotine, he never smokes, unless he really fucking needs it. And right now definitely qualifies.

“can have a cig mate?” is all Josh says, sliding in the door past max whose face drops instantly, there had only been three occasions in their entire time of knowing each other that Josh has asked for a cigarette, the day Dan's dad died, the dad Chris’ dad died and the day they got singed. He knew something was very wrong, if something good had happened Josh wouldn’t have tears stains running down his cheeks, he wouldn’t be wearing joggers and a tank with only a jacket in fucking January. His voice wouldn’t be as emotionless as it was, he would have at least said hi.

Max runs after him and finds him laying on his front on the couch in his living room, he had already helped himself to a cigarette from the packet sitting on the table, he had his faced turned to the side and hanging off the couch slightly, there was an ashtray on the floor beside him, and he was moving the cigarette to his mouth, taking a deep breath, inhaling, then moving it down and flicking the head into the astray, repeat. It was robotic. It terrified max.

“Josh, what’s happened? Are you okay? Is Oliver oaky?”

That is really all it takes, Josh heard his boyfriends name and he just starts to cry, he starts to babble and cry, the story coming out in bits a pieces. He doesn’t really have to say anything more than what had happened just over an hour ago. All the guys knew about Oliver’s problems, they knew about the drugs, they knew about his getting sober and they knew about his depression and self-harming now.

Even though Josh is muttering and jumping from place to place ma has known him long enough to understands the majority of what he saying, he manages to piece it all together as he watches Josh reach for what was already his third cigarette, he wants to tell his best friend to slow down, to breath clean air for a few minutes but he can’t bring himself to do it, Josh needs it, and he can tell.

Once the full story is out and Josh’s tears have dried up max just doesn’t say anything, instead he leaned forwards and whacks Josh on the back of the head, the younger of the two yelps, more in surprise than pain considering Max really didn’t hit him that hard.

“What was that for you cunt!?”

“You are a fucking idiot mate. Like are you actually thick? Did Oliver even tell you why had kept them? Do you not think that maybe, just maybe there was a chance he actually couldn’t make himself throw them away? He had zero intention of taking them, but he couldn’t throw them away, he didn’t want to have to touch them, he didn’t want to have the option between putting them in his mouth and dropping them down the sink! It would have been so much easier for him just to pick up the baggy and leave them somewhere.”

“How do you know he didn’t keep them to test himself? To see if he could withstand the temptation without your help, he went two days right? We both know Oliver, we know what he is like, he had the guiltiest conscious ever, there is no way he has not been dwelling on this and thinking about it nonstop for the past two days! He could have been testing himself Josh! There are a million possibilities for why he kept them!”

“Well then explain why he fucking lied? He could have told me that’s what he was doing if that’s what he was doing!?” Josh counters, he knows max is right but he is still in an argumentative mood and he knows the best way to make things better is to debate this out with max and then go home calm to Oliver.

“He was fucking scared maybe? He knows that if you knew about the drug dealer coming and leaving the drugs that you would assume he had taken them, or bought them or something, because that what you do Josh you try not to and you don’t do it in a mean or negative or spiteful way but you assume the worst, you look at a situation, and like I mean any situation and see the worst in it. Tell me I’m wrong?”

Of course, he isn’t wrong. Max knows Josh, maybe even better than Oliver does, he knows exactly how his mind works and why he does and why he says the things he says, Josh comes across as a cocky, arrogant sassy little shit when really he is just defensive. He cares about everything just a little too much.

“What have I done?! Oh fuck, Max I said some really fucking shitty things to him, fuck I need to go home! I need to go home right fucking now Max!”

“Josh? What? Why? Josh mate breath, please, I know you wanna sort things but you have to calm down a bit!” max tries to reason, Josh had literally jumped up, almost stepping on the quite full ashtray and spilling it, he had rushed forward and then back he was pacing he was almost yelling at max to move.

“I don’t know, I just have a really bad feeling, like, I don’t know mate, I feel like something bad is going to happen, I feel like, I feel Oliver might do something stupid, please max we need to go, I said some really fucking horrible things to him, please max, please you need to drive me home right now!”

Max visibly pales, he knows exactly what Josh is saying he runs, not even bothering to put a jacket on, simply taking his keys and ushering Josh out the house, the drive there is completely silent and tense, they are both shitting themselves. Max has started to feel it as well, it’s like an instinct, and they can just feel it. They drive far too fast, managing a twenty-five minute drive in just over ten.

Josh it out the car before max even has the engine off, he doesn’t bother closing the passenger door behind him instead sprinting the door of their apartment building, up the stairs instead of waiting for the elevator, and into their apartment, the door was still open.

When he burst through it, he almost expects to find Oliver on the couch watching TV waiting for him even though he told him not to. But that is not what he finds. He finds nothing. He hears nothing. You could hear a pin drop in the apartment. But the feeling, when you walked in, it was tense almost; it was like an aura of gloom was hanging over the entire apartment, and that, that scared Josh more than anything.

He walks through the apartment, trying not to make too much noise that is until he sees light, every single other light was off, but he could see a slight glare coming from the gap between the bathroom door and the floor. He then realizes when he listens carefully enough that there is a tap running. That’s when he notices it.

The carpet, exactly where the light it, where the light is coming from, under the door, is darker than it should be, even in the very dim light, it almost looks wet.

He hears Max come in behind him, and he snaps back into motion, he steps forwards and feels the carpet sink under his feet, he tried to open the door but it’s locked from the inside. He starts banging on it repeatedly, over and over again, he is screaming Oliver’s name, screaming ‘I’m sorry's’ and ‘I love you’s’ and ‘please open the door’ over and over, begging for a reply.

Josh is so caught up in his banging, screaming, and crying that he hadn’t noticed the lights come on. He hadn’t heard Max speaking on the phone; he didn’t even notice that his knuckles and hands had started to bleed. He didn’t notice that his voice had gone hoarse from the screaming; in fact, he didn’t even notice the paramedics in the apartment until one was dragging him away from the door, and another is breaking it down.

As the door flies open, it’s like everything starts moving in slow motion, and Josh can’t hear anything anymore. He catches a single glimpse of inside the bathroom, he sees nothing but Oliver’s face, pale, eyes closed, mouth hanging open, and a single arm, one long vertical gash going from inner elbow to his wrist.

Josh is aware that he is screaming, he can feel it leaving him, he can feel bile rise in his throat, he can feel tears streaming down his face, he is aware of the noise and commotion around him. He can see the paramedic’s mouths moving rapidly, shouting directions at each other; he can feels max's arms wrapped around him from behind, he feels himself being dragged away.