Fall of Rome

It didn’t feel like hours had passed when I heard the door open again, and I was still in the very same spot Dylan had left me in. The tears were falling from my eyes much less violently, but they were still falling. I still felt hollow inside – like a piece of me had been ripped out – and I wasn’t sure if I’d ever feel whole again.

The pain was feeling from such a simple thing was completely indescribable – pathetic even – but nothing I did could make it stop.

The sound of Dylan’s footsteps as he made his way down the hallway moved through my ears and right down to stomp on my heart. He didn’t make a sound as he slid down next to me on the floor. He didn’t reach over to touch me or pull me into his chest like he did when my sister and I got into fights. He just sat with his legs tucked into his chest and his arms resting on his knees. His fingers were twiddling back and forth, a nervous habit I had noticed a long time ago, and I had to force myself to even be able to look at him.

The second I did, our eyes met, and I could only look at him for a moment before I had to push my eyes back to the ground out of fear or having another meltdown.

I don’t know how long it was until either of us moved, but he let out a long breath, like he had been holding it in for as long as he’d been there, and I turned my head up to look at him.

“I – I don’t know if you’re ready to talk, but you don’t have to say anything if you don’t want to. I just –” He reached into his pocket and pulled out an envelope, pushing it in my direction. “This is for you. I’ll be in the other room if you need me.”

I slowly took the envelope from his hand, and it felt like fire against my fingertips. Bringing it closer to my body was like pulling hot coals to my chest. He pushed himself off the floor as soon as I had the envelope in my hands, and he walked slowly out into the living room.

The envelope felt so hot and heavy that I was so afraid of opening it. Simply to put more time between myself and that fateful moment, I stood up from my place on the ground and sat at the foot of his bed, looking down at the envelope until I knew I couldn’t wait any longer to open it.

Lifting up the small tab, I reached my hand into the envelope and pulled out a single sheet of paper with Dylan’s scribbled handwriting all over it. It was scattered, crossed out, and rewritten several times. It was completely scatterbrained, just like Dylan, and just deciphering it would have been a chore if I didn’t know his handwriting so well.

After one, final deep breath, I began reading, because it was all there was left to do.

El,

When we first started dating, I promised myself I’d do whatever it took to make you happy, and now, four years later, I’ve done just the opposite. I can’t believe I still remember when you’d fight with your sister and I’d be so angry at her for hurting you, and now I’m just angry with myself.

I hate myself for hurting you the way I did. I hate myself for being everything I said I’d never be. But most of all, I hate that nothing I can do could ever make up for the awful thing I did to you.

I can’t even begin to imagine the pain you must be feeling right now. I betrayed your trust and I’m so, so sorry for that. I don’t know if I could ever explain just how sorry I am, but I want you to know that, El. I want you to know that I am so, so sorry.

There’s no way I could ever ask you to forgive me and I don’t ever expect you to, but I’m going to ask you one thing.

Give me one chance, El. Give me one chance to prove how much I love you. Let me show you that I never meant that awful thing that I did. That I’d take it back if I could. That you mean more to me than anyone else ever could. Please, give me one chance.

Tucked in the envelope, you’ll find two plane tickets to London. The flight leaves tomorrow and the hotel is already booked. They both have your name on them, El, so you can take whoever you want. But I hope to God that you choose me.

Forever and Always,

Dylan

By the time I finished the letter, tears were pouring from my eyes again, and I wondered how long it would be until my eyes stopped being so red and puffy.

My hands were shaking as I reached back into the envelope and dug my fingers around. Just like Dylan had promised, I pulled out two tickets for a flight the next morning, both addressed to Eleanor Shepherd.

He had left the decision up to me. I could take my sister, a friend from back home, or even a random stranger if I wanted to. The last thing I wanted to do at that moment was to spend any amount of time with Dylan at all, especially not a last minute vacation for just the two of us. I could hardly look at him; how was I supposed to explore a country with him?

Even though every bone in my body was telling me to call up my sister and tell her to pack her things, my mind was focused only on Dylan. Not on how bad he had hurt me, though, but on all the good times we had together. All the times he had told me he loved me and promised me forever.

I felt weak as hell, and somehow I knew that even speaking to Dylan went against some set of morals I had set for myself a long time ago, but he was the only person I wanted to go with. I was still so angry and I wasn’t sure if I would ever stop feeling that way, but I wasn’t ready to be angry without him yet.

Taking a deep breath, I tried to steady my shaking hands as I walked out towards the living room. He was sitting on the sofa just looking at the wall, and he didn’t even realize I was there until I spoke.

“So we leave tomorrow?”

Dylan turned towards me, his eyes blinking quickly like I was just a figment of his imagination, and a small smile fell to his face. It wasn’t a happy smile – not even a little. It was the sort of smile a person gives someone else when they want to let them know just how sorry they are.

He looked at me for a long moment and I was just about to turn around when he spoke.

“Thank you, El. Thank you so much.”

I simply nodded my head, biting my lip a bit before I turned around. There was this unspoken agreement that we wouldn’t speak again until the next morning, and I went into Dylan’s room and shut the door behind me.

That night, I slept in Dylan’s bed alone, with a full half of the bed completely empty, while he slept on the sofa that was too small to let him stretch his legs out.