Without You, I'm Miserable at Best.

"What the fuck is going on here, Alex?" I heard a familiar voice say, from my bedroom door, causing me to push my affair off of me in panic, scrambling to pull the covers over me. I was so ashamed, so mad at myself for doing this to him. I love Jack more than anything in this world, so I don't understand why I was doing it. I just felt so lonely, so very alone. Jack's depression, has been getting increasingly worse, and he's been so closed off, he hasn't been letting me in. How am I supposed to be happy, when the love of my life is slowly slipping from my grip? I needed to be close to someone, in some way, and I guess that's what led me to this. Tears ran down my face, seeing the broken, shocked expression of my lover across the room. I did this to him, I broke his heart. I will never be able to forgive myself, knowing what I have done. Finally, I manage to answer, forcing pathetic words out of my lips.

"Jack, I-I..I'm sorry, Jack." I said, stuttering my words. I saw him shake his head, tears of sadness, quickly turning to those of anger.

"You're sorry? Alex, sorry isn't going to fucking cut it! Why the fuck would you ever do this to me? I loved you Alex, and this, this is what I get?" He screamed, hatred dripping in his tone. I put my head in my hands, curling into myself, letting violent sobs out.

"I'm so s-sorry." I cried, knowing he wouldn't accept it. I fucked up, and there is nothing I can do to fix that. I broke the boy I loved, and I am so afraid that I've lost him forever. Jack scoffed and rolled his eyes, validating my thoughts.

"Whatever Alex. We're done. Fuck you." He spat, turning and storming out of my bedroom door, leaving me alone, with my guilt and my mistake. My affair got up, pulling his clothes on his body, and muttering a goodbye, before leaving me to be alone with my thoughts. I sat and cried, pitying myself for what felt like ages, before I pulled myself off the bed, and slipped some clothes on. I picked up my phone, dialing my loves number, praying to god that he would pick up, but he didn't, just as I expected. Tears started to come, as I tried again, and again, finally giving up after the 10th try. I'm so pathetic, he deserves so much more than me. My body was shaking as I sobbed uncontrollably. Eventually, my crying subsided, and I slipped into a light sleep, waking up hours later, my face still wet with tears. I pulled my phone out, typing a message to Jack, my tears clouding my vision.

Tuesday, October.11, 2011
12:59 am
Jack, I'm so sorry. Please, can you call me? I want to talk, please.

Wednesday, October.12, 2011
2:59 am
I know I don't deserve you Jack. I'm such a terrible person. But please, just call me. I love you.

Wednesday, October. 12, 2011
8:11 am
Good morning, my love. I love you. Please call me. I am so, so sorry.

Wednesday, October.12, 2011
9:23 pm
Jack, please don't ignore me. We need to talk, I need to talk to you. Just please, call me.

Thursday, October.13, 2011
4:45 am
I can see that you've opened all of these, Jack. Please don't do this, please...

My phone buzzed, startling me awake. I scrambled to get it, hoping Jack had finally answered me. I looked down at my phone, smiling at the name I've been dying to see the past few days, before it was quickly turned to a frown, upon seeing the content of the message.

From: Jack
Saturday, October. 15, 2011
3:14 am
Goodbye, Alex...

Saturday, October.15, 2011
3:17 am
Jack, no. Please...

I waited for a reply, getting nothing in return once again. I laid in bed, crying my eyes out, until I had no tears left in me. I hated myself for ruining Jack, and our relationship. I hated myself for doing this to him.

The next day, my phone rang, and I hurried to grab it, hoping that my love finally decided to call. I saw Jacks name on my caller ID, and smiled, a warm feeling spreading through my body. I missed hearing the boys voice, and I missed him so very much.

"Hello?" I said into the phone, waiting for Jack's reply. But instead, I heard a woman, crying on the other line.

"Alex? Is that you? It's Jacks mom." The woman said through her tears. My heart sank to my stomach, knowing something was wrong.

"Yeah?" I spoke warily. "What's going on, Mrs. Barakat?"

"J-Jack. H-he, he killed himself, Alex. We found him this morning. I'm so s-sorry." She said, barely audible. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. My heart shattered as I let out a sob, hanging up the phone. This couldn't be happening, Jack couldn't be gone. I unlocked my phone, typing a message to him, hoping that somehow, this wasn't true.

Sunday, October.16, 2011
4:52 pm
Jack, your mother just called and holy fuck no no no please for the love of god, please, I am begging you, please be alright. Please please please please...

Sunday, October.16, 2011
6:17 pm
Please come on, please. God, I just...

Tuesday, October.25, 2011
8:36 pm
I went to your funeral today. I can't believe this is real..

Monday, October.31, 2011
9:29 pm
Happy Halloween, Babe. I miss you.

Sunday, December.25, 2011
2:12 am
Merry Christmas. I made you a mixed tape of songs that remind me of you. You would of liked it.

Friday, December. 30, 2011
12:59 am
Happy New Year. I really wish I could of had a New Years kiss from you this year. I miss your lips..

Tuesday, February. 14, 2012
7:15 pm
Happy Valentines day! I brought some flowers to your grave today. They were so pretty, you would have loved them. I love you.

Monday, June.18, 2012
10:11 pm
I visited your grave today. Happy birthday my love. God, I miss you...

Friday, August.10, 2012
8:24 pm
I'm a little drunk
and I'm missing you.
I'm so sorry for everything. I loev you so much Jack, I'm really sorry. Please come back, holy fuck..

Friday, September. 21, 2012
6:12 pm
I saw your sister today.
I wonder if she dreams of you, like I do, even though, I'm trying so hard to forget.
I wonder if she misses you much half as much as I do...

Tuesday, October.16, 2012
3:05 am
You've been gone a whole year, Jack.
I don't know how I've done it, being here without you.
I miss you all the fucking time and it's been SO long baby. I don't want to hurt this badly anymore..

Saturday, December.1, 2012
11:49 pm
My mother says I should stop messaging you.
She says it isn't healthy.
But it's kind of nice you know? Like you're still here, and oh god, I wish you were...

Tuesday, Janurary. 10, 2013
6:01 am
I can't do this anymore, Jack. It's been way too long, and it still fucking hurts like it was yesterday. I can't live without you anymore, I'm so sorry. I'm coming to be with you, and I really hope you want me there. I took a bottle of pills, and I'm drinking whiskey straight from the bottle. I just miss you so god damn much you know?

Tuesday, Janurary.10, 2013
6:20 am
I'm getting sleepy. I've had a lit to drink and I think the pills are working. I hate myself Jack, so much. I hurt you so so soo so so bad... and I will never forgive myself for that. I don't even know why I did it, but you were so sad, and I was so alone. I needed you, and you just weren't there anymore, so I slept around. I'm sorry, I know that doesn't make it okay, but it's the way it is. I would take everything back if I could, but I can't, and that kind of kills me... I should be dead, not you. You didn't deserve anything bad Jack. You were so good, so fucking lovely. You deserved the best, and that sure as hell wasn't me. I know sorry isn't enough, but I really really am sorry, babe. I love you so much, okay? I'm coming home, to you..