Drank the Poison

*Vic's POV*

“Ronnie I told you I was busy.” I ran into Kellin’s closet, trying to act calm. But actually I was pissed. And it didn’t help that I was fully turned on right now.

“Come over.” He ordered me.

“No. I’m busy. And I have to go. Like now.” I whispered, praying that Kellin couldn’t overhear.

I didn’t want to worry him. He only deserves to be happy. Also I don’t take orders from people, especially from this asshole. Yes, Ronnie and I have been friends for years and years, but I’m not stupid, Ronnie’s pretty gross.

“I have some stuff for you.” He teased, knowing full well the reaction I’d have.

And I froze.

“What kind of ‘stuff’?” I asked slowly, with no emotion in my voice.

“Now Vicky, do I really have to say it? I know you want it... You know you want it.” He chuckled.

“Is it the stuff we talked about before?” I asked a little desperately.

“Yep. And I have it right here. Come on over and we can relax baby.”

That made my skin crawl. The last thing I wanted to do was leave Kellin and go to Ronnie’s place. I know that Ronnie wants to get in bed with me, but there’s no way in Hell I’d do anything to mess up what I have with Kellin. I love Kellin more than I love myself. But drugs sometimes make smart people do stupid things.

“Fine. I’ll head over right now. Don’t fucking start without me.” I warned.

“Wouldn’t dream of it Vicky.” Ronnie flirted before I hung up.

I shuttered at his words. I put on my usual confident swagger and walked out of Kellin’s closest. Really, I did feel bad, but the anticipation of what’s about to happen made me so excited I could feel my hands shake.

I pulled on my clothes and called out to Kellin, “tell your mom that I’m really sorry but something came up”. I ran towards him, kissed his forehead, and tried to leave.

“Something came up?” Kellin asked in confusion. He ran over to me, and I knew that I had to get out quick or else I wouldn’t be able to leave his side.

I just kept telling myself that he’s a strong kid, and that he can take care of himself. Even though he doesn’t believe it, he’s the strong one out of the two of us. I wish I could be more like him.

I love him more than air. Unfortunately my addiction’s raging right now, I just need to get it out of my system a few more times before I can get back on track.

Fuck, I’m so weak.

I don’t care about staying sober anymore; I only care about hurting Kellin. If he leaves me, I don’t know what I’d do. I don’t want to hurt him. I’d never forgive myself.

I immediately shook that train of thought, it was too deep. Too intense.

“Ya, I’ll catch you later.” I called as I unlocked his door and jumped down the stairs.

“I-I love you-” Kellin called out.

“Love ya!” I called back trying to keep my voice from cracking. I swallowed the tears that threatened to escape, and jumped in my car.

I pulled out of his driveway and made the trip over to Ronnie’s sketchy apartment. I stopped at a stop sign and punched my dashboard so hard I could feel the pain shoot through my arm.

Why am I such a fuck up? Why do I have to ruin the few things that are going well in my life? Why does it have to be this way? Why do I hurt everyone I love? I thought about calling my sponsor and walking away from what I was about to do, but I just couldn’t.

I’ve hidden my light drug use from him, from everyone, for months and months so I might as well keep hiding it for as long as I can. What they don’t know won’t hurt them, right?

I kept driving. I pulled up to the complex and reflected on what was about to happen.

Ever since I had gotten clean, going over to Ronnie’s place had been trigger after trigger after trigger for me. But I did it to myself.

I tried staying clean. Then I tried only smoking pot when all of my friends were doing it too. Then it became getting some Adderall before a test so I could do well.

But each time I was able to rationalize it. I told myself that those were just the standard things that all teenagers do.

That was until a few weeks ago. I was hanging out at Ronnie’s place all day, because I didn’t want to be alone. And things got out of control.

I was a little drunk. It was nice. I was buzzed enough not to care about all my worries and insecurities. There were a couple of people there and it was a good time. I was content with just smoking and drinking, but suddenly there was a knock at the door and Ronnie came back with a surprise. It was a bunch of pills.

Ecstasy.

Everyone there took it without a second thought until it came to me and Ronnie.

“Ronnie you go first.” I demanded. A small part of me wanted to do it, but I also wanted to hang out with Kellin later. I had promised him, and I had intended on following through.

But it was testing my will power to say no. I had originally planned to ditch out once everyone was too spaced out to care, but of course that didn’t end up happening.

“No Vicky, together.” Ronnie smirked.

And Ronnie’s persuasive. I swear I didn’t really want to do it. But the next thing I knew I was putting it on my tongue and throwing my head back.

It was like fireworks were going off in my mind. It was euphoric. Nothing was bad anymore. There was no more guilt. None. I felt like the world was at peace. I felt full of nothing but love. I felt fuzzy, but in the best possible way.

I don’t remember exactly what happened after that, but I remember Ronnie leading me over to his couch. And a short while later I was making out with him.

Not Kellin but Ronnie. Something that sober me would have never done in a million years.

We were on Ronnie’s couch in each other’s arms, which sounds bad, I know, but I was still fully clothed. His arms were draped around my torso and he was doing all the work. My eyelids were heavy but Ronnie was still wide awake as he grabbed at my shirt.

There’s no doubt in my mind that in any other situation I would have rejected his advances, but it was the Ecstasy.

Up until that moment, Ecstasy had been one of my favorite drugs because of the feeling it always gave me.

Love. It finally gave me the opportunity to feel happy no matter what I was doing or who I was with. It makes me feel happy to be alive, and God knows I need help with that. It makes me to love everyone, and more importantly it makes me love myself.

But after I met Kellin, I really believed that it was possible to be sober and happy again. Nevertheless, old habits die hard.

I remember feeling good. Really good. Everyone was being so nice and joyful. I still remember the feeling of Ronnie’s t-shirt against my cheek as I laid there and rode out my high. It felt so warm and soft and it was like I could feel our troubled souls connect. But that was probably just an effect of the drug.

And a few short hours later, I had completely passed out. When I finally woke up, I found myself in a bed with Ronnie’s sleeping head lying on my naked torso.

I freaked out. It had been hours since I was last conscious, and I have no idea how my shirt came off.

I got my phone from Ronnie’s bed side table and saw that Kellin had texted me hours before. I could feel myself sober up and snap back into reality immediately. And I could feel the guilt start to take over.

I was panicking. I carefully slid out from under Ronnie; he was too far gone to wake up. Then I got in my car and drove to the park. My favorite thinking spot. I was sober enough to be driving somewhat safe, but I felt disgusting.

I tried to remember everything that had happened, but it was hard. I honestly don’t think anything happened between Ronnie and I, but to this day I’m still not 100% sure. And it kills me.

I spent that day crying. I had fucked up. And I knew that if Kellin ever found out he’d be crushed.

If the tables were turned and Kellin was the one doing this to me, I wouldn’t be able to handle it.

So I had to pretend like nothing was wrong for both Kellin and my own sake. But now every time I see him I feel guilty. Guilty for the partying, for the drugs, for what happened with Ronnie, and for not being what he deserves. Kellin deserves so much better than me. And I’m still waiting for the day that he realizes it. When that day comes I don’t think I’ll be able to go on.

But hey, I felt that same way about Oli, so maybe there’ll be hope for me after all.

Anyways, that’s only the worse case scenario. I know that Kellin isn’t stupid, but I’m just hoping that his faith in me will override his common sense.

As long as I keep the talking about me to a minimum, I think everything will be alright.

Like I said, I just have to get this out of my system, and I’ll be good to go.

And that brings me to now. I’m about to try something that I haven’t done in a while.

I didn’t want to... Initially. But Ronnie wore me down. And I was about to take a walk down a familiar dark road.

I walked up to his door and found that it was unlocked. I walked in and was greeted by the usual group of drug doers and dealers.

“Hey guys!” I called out confidently.

They all greeted me back as Ronnie strutted over.

“I knew you’d be back. You just can’t resist me.”

“Fuck off.” I rolled my eyes. I knew that Ronnie wanted to fuck me, but I would not let that happen. Whatever happened last time was in the past and I wanted to make sure that Ronnie knew that.

“I already told you, I’m in a relationship.” I repeated for the hundredth time.

“And I already told you, I just want to fuck you no strings attached.” He said bluntly. “No harm no foul. Kelly will never have to know.” He whispered as he rubbed his fingers against my chin.

“It’s Kellin.” I muttered angrily as I pushed past him. It was no use trying to get him to stop, so I just ignored Ronnie’s unwanted advances. It was easier to just drop the topic, and I really didn’t want to lose my best drug supplier. It’d be best not to make him mad.

“Just show me where the stuff is.” I said a little too eagerly.

“Fine. Fine. Later then.” He winked then nudged me towards the back of the dirty living room.

As soon as I saw it my palms got sweaty, my heart leapt, my mouth watered, and all my good decision making skills went out the window.

I went into auto pilot.

“Got a lighter?” I asked cockily as I dropped to my knees in front of the glass coffee table. Ronnie laughed at my impatience as he got the materials.

As soon as I had the lighter, I immediately cut a square piece of foil, placed the drug in the middle, lit it, and inhaled the smoke with the straw.

I blew it out and did it again like a natural. I felt a little nausea because it had been so long and I had only ever done it a few times, but nothing compared to the euphoric sensation that I was about to feel.

I hit it for a third and fourth time when I felt a presence next to me.

“Hey save some heroin for the rest of us.” Alex joked as he nudged my side.

I blew the smoke all over his face and he couldn’t help but gag and cough. Alex has always been a light weight. He never did anything other than pot. And that’s why I liked being around him. He never pressured me to do anything. We had fun together, and it was never weird between us.

Alex took my arm and led me over to the couch. My cotton mouth was bad, so he brought me some water and we just chilled as I let the drugs kick in. Almost immediately the bong got passed to him and he hit it like a pro.

I reached for it, but Alex held it out of my reach.

“Dude, don’t you think you’re good for now?”

“Not even close.” I laughed. I didn’t want to feel anything anymore.

“Suite yourself.” He handed it to me and I placed the bong in between my legs as I hit it hard.

Flash forward a few hours and I was still going strong. My body was floating. I was feeling the rush that only this drug could provide. I was in Heaven, dizzy, blurry Heaven, and it felt like I would never come down. And I didn’t want to.

But before I knew it, I was beginning to feel a little disoriented.

My breathing felt shallow, and as I looked around everyone else was either gone or passed out. The sun had gone down several hours ago, but I was having trouble keeping track of time.

I started panicking and my palms started to sweat because my high was dying down. Reality was crashing down and hitting me like a boulder on my chest. It began to feel like I was breathing through a straw. I knew I had to calm down.

Just then Ronnie came out from the kitchen chowing down on sorry looking sandwich.

“Hey hey Vic chill out.” He said startled by my ‘deer in headlights’ appearance. He walked over to me and sat a little too close to comfort. “I know what will make you feel better…”

And I knew what he meant. More drugs. More sweet, sweet heroin. And I no longer felt like I just wanted it. I felt like I needed it to feel whole again. It was part of me. It was obvious that my addiction was picking up at full speed just where I had left it.

I immediately felt my anxiety turn into anticipation, and I nodded vigorously.

Ronnie smirked, “but first I’m going to need something from you”. He rested his hand on my thigh.

“I-I don’t have any cash on me. But I can get it for you later.” I bargained.

“Oh Vicky, you know that’s not what I want from you.” He tapped his fingers on my upper thigh.

“Then what? I’ll do whatever, just give it to me.”

Ronnie smirked, took my hand, and led me back to the bedroom.