Drank the Poison
Vic’s POV 2
*Vic's POV*
I felt disgusting. I felt hideous.
I was about to whore myself out just to get my next fix. Ronnie had ran into the bathroom to search for some lube, and I was just lying there trying not to think of what’s about to happen.
This situation was not normal. But on heroin it is. I just wanted it to be over, so I could block it out of my mind forever. I was getting too sober and the guilt was so overbearing that I either needed to get high or die.
Thinking about Kellin was the only reason why I hadn’t just killed myself yet. I knew that once I was ready to stop, he'd be there. I just needed this one or two more times than him and I can start again. Everything will be fine as soon as this is all over.
I heard Ronnie yell something about finally finding it, so I reached for my phone and sent out one message before I let Ronnie do with me what he wanted.
5:47 AM, To Kellin: Know that I love you now and I’ll love you forever
I put my phone away and looked up to see Ronnie leaning against the doorway, staring me up and down. I just shut my eyes and did what I had to do…
Afterwards, I stumbled over to the couch and laid down. Instantly I felt better as the drugs flowed through my veins. And a few minutes later I was feeling fucking amazing. Again, I was hit with the full blown effects of it all.
It had been a wild few.. Days, I think? It was hard to keep track of time and days because I kept passing out. Minutes turned into hours which turned into days which turned into hours again.
I’m not sure how long I was high for because a few moments later my eyes just wouldn’t stay open and I fell asleep.
Hours passed when suddenly I felt a cold liquid shock me awake.
“What I fuck!” I slurred, as whiskey covered my drenched clothes.
I opened my eyes and Ronnie was there laughing his ass off.
“Come on, let’s go round two.” He urged.
I peered out the window and it was bright out again. I still wasn’t sober by any means, but I could always be higher. So I followed Ronnie, but I stopped to check my phone while I was still stable enough to read it.
6:30am Missed call from Kellin:
“Hey Vic, it’s me. I love you too! More than everyone or anything in the world. And I’m here for you through thick and thin, you know that right? If you let me in, I’ll always be here for you. J-just know that, okay? Love you.
And please, please call me when you’re awake.. Or done doing whatever you’re doing. And be safe. My bed’s lonely without you.”
He chuckled into the phone, but I could hear the heartbreak in his voice. “Okay, I love you, ummm okay bye.”
My heart broke because he sounded so worried. The guilt hurt my stomach. Or maybe it was the lack of food. Does he know what I’ve been doing? I think he does.
I started to panic. Should I go over to him? No way. I’m not sober enough yet. I suddenly felt way too unhappy. I just wanted this worried feeling to leave. And I knew just how to do it.
“Vic are you coming?” Ronnie called out.
______
A day later I was still high. I hadn’t stopped smoking or snorting anything Ronnie brought me. But it all came at a price.
I had told myself that I was going to have this last big binge before I stopped for good. So I tried to stay as far gone for as long as possible. And every time I sobered up enough to think about how much I must be scaring Kellin, I got higher.
I tried calling Kellin when my paranoia started kicking in, just to make sure that he was okay. And as soon as I knew that he was, I’d hang up. I didn’t want him knowing what I was up to.
Time seemed to not exist because I kept nodding off whenever my body physically couldn’t keep going. It didn’t seem to matter what time of day it was. My sleep schedule was so fucked up. But then again so was I.
Days passed. How many? I don’t know. People came in and out, but I didn’t recognize most of them.
I started calling Kellin more and more, because the paranoia kept creeping in stronger and stronger. I started to think that people were out to get me. Out to get him. I should probably stop soon.
At one point I got a call from my sponsor, James. Obviously I didn’t pick up. But I did manage to listen to the voice mail.
“Vic. You need to come home. We all know what you’re doing. I want to see you and your parents want to see you. It’s time to get help. We have a facility that’ll help you when you’re ready. Call me or come home.”
The message ended and my blood boiled. Suddenly feeling this adrenaline rush through my veins, I broke my phone against the table. My hand bled, but I couldn’t feel pain.
I’m not an idiot. They want to send me away! I already knew that my family doesn’t want to deal with me, that doesn’t hurt, but what does hurts is the fact that getting sent away means I’ll never see Kellin again.
James knows about my past with Ronnie, so I couldn’t stay here any longer.
The paranoia was setting in faster and faster, like a train coming straight towards me, and I could hear foot steps and voices. So I ran.
I ran until I was far away. I was still high, so my breathing was shallow and dry. Eventually I got to a payphone and dialed the only number I knew.
“Hello?” I heard my love say. It hurt my heart to know that I fucked this up for me… For us.
“Kellin it’s me.” I said on the verge of tears.
“Vic where are you calling from?” He asked desperately.
“Payphone. I don’t have my phone anymore.” I said without much explanation. I just wanted to get to the point.
Kellin spoke quickly, “Vic, James called me and-”
I cut him off. “He called me too. He wants us apart and he wants to destroy us! He wants to send me away! Well fuck that Kells, let’s run away! We can make it out on our own. Come with me.” I urged him as convincingly as I could.
“Vic. I want to. But you have to come back first..” He started. And I was shocked. Doesn’t he get it?
“But if we run away then we can just start over. We can be together somewhere far away from all of this bullshit. We can be perfect. Don’t you want that? Don’t you love me the same way I love you?”
Why doesn’t he get it?
“Of course I do Vic. I need you. But I need you clean. The drugs they’re-”
“You don’t know what it’s like Kellin!” I yelled at him as my blood boiled over. “You don’t know what it’s like to be an addict!”
“But I fucking know what it’s like to be in a relationship with one!” Kellin screamed back.
*Click* I hung up.
Fuck that.
I felt disgusting. I felt hideous.
I was about to whore myself out just to get my next fix. Ronnie had ran into the bathroom to search for some lube, and I was just lying there trying not to think of what’s about to happen.
This situation was not normal. But on heroin it is. I just wanted it to be over, so I could block it out of my mind forever. I was getting too sober and the guilt was so overbearing that I either needed to get high or die.
Thinking about Kellin was the only reason why I hadn’t just killed myself yet. I knew that once I was ready to stop, he'd be there. I just needed this one or two more times than him and I can start again. Everything will be fine as soon as this is all over.
I heard Ronnie yell something about finally finding it, so I reached for my phone and sent out one message before I let Ronnie do with me what he wanted.
5:47 AM, To Kellin: Know that I love you now and I’ll love you forever
I put my phone away and looked up to see Ronnie leaning against the doorway, staring me up and down. I just shut my eyes and did what I had to do…
Afterwards, I stumbled over to the couch and laid down. Instantly I felt better as the drugs flowed through my veins. And a few minutes later I was feeling fucking amazing. Again, I was hit with the full blown effects of it all.
It had been a wild few.. Days, I think? It was hard to keep track of time and days because I kept passing out. Minutes turned into hours which turned into days which turned into hours again.
I’m not sure how long I was high for because a few moments later my eyes just wouldn’t stay open and I fell asleep.
Hours passed when suddenly I felt a cold liquid shock me awake.
“What I fuck!” I slurred, as whiskey covered my drenched clothes.
I opened my eyes and Ronnie was there laughing his ass off.
“Come on, let’s go round two.” He urged.
I peered out the window and it was bright out again. I still wasn’t sober by any means, but I could always be higher. So I followed Ronnie, but I stopped to check my phone while I was still stable enough to read it.
6:30am Missed call from Kellin:
“Hey Vic, it’s me. I love you too! More than everyone or anything in the world. And I’m here for you through thick and thin, you know that right? If you let me in, I’ll always be here for you. J-just know that, okay? Love you.
And please, please call me when you’re awake.. Or done doing whatever you’re doing. And be safe. My bed’s lonely without you.”
He chuckled into the phone, but I could hear the heartbreak in his voice. “Okay, I love you, ummm okay bye.”
My heart broke because he sounded so worried. The guilt hurt my stomach. Or maybe it was the lack of food. Does he know what I’ve been doing? I think he does.
I started to panic. Should I go over to him? No way. I’m not sober enough yet. I suddenly felt way too unhappy. I just wanted this worried feeling to leave. And I knew just how to do it.
“Vic are you coming?” Ronnie called out.
______
A day later I was still high. I hadn’t stopped smoking or snorting anything Ronnie brought me. But it all came at a price.
I had told myself that I was going to have this last big binge before I stopped for good. So I tried to stay as far gone for as long as possible. And every time I sobered up enough to think about how much I must be scaring Kellin, I got higher.
I tried calling Kellin when my paranoia started kicking in, just to make sure that he was okay. And as soon as I knew that he was, I’d hang up. I didn’t want him knowing what I was up to.
Time seemed to not exist because I kept nodding off whenever my body physically couldn’t keep going. It didn’t seem to matter what time of day it was. My sleep schedule was so fucked up. But then again so was I.
Days passed. How many? I don’t know. People came in and out, but I didn’t recognize most of them.
I started calling Kellin more and more, because the paranoia kept creeping in stronger and stronger. I started to think that people were out to get me. Out to get him. I should probably stop soon.
At one point I got a call from my sponsor, James. Obviously I didn’t pick up. But I did manage to listen to the voice mail.
“Vic. You need to come home. We all know what you’re doing. I want to see you and your parents want to see you. It’s time to get help. We have a facility that’ll help you when you’re ready. Call me or come home.”
The message ended and my blood boiled. Suddenly feeling this adrenaline rush through my veins, I broke my phone against the table. My hand bled, but I couldn’t feel pain.
I’m not an idiot. They want to send me away! I already knew that my family doesn’t want to deal with me, that doesn’t hurt, but what does hurts is the fact that getting sent away means I’ll never see Kellin again.
James knows about my past with Ronnie, so I couldn’t stay here any longer.
The paranoia was setting in faster and faster, like a train coming straight towards me, and I could hear foot steps and voices. So I ran.
I ran until I was far away. I was still high, so my breathing was shallow and dry. Eventually I got to a payphone and dialed the only number I knew.
“Hello?” I heard my love say. It hurt my heart to know that I fucked this up for me… For us.
“Kellin it’s me.” I said on the verge of tears.
“Vic where are you calling from?” He asked desperately.
“Payphone. I don’t have my phone anymore.” I said without much explanation. I just wanted to get to the point.
Kellin spoke quickly, “Vic, James called me and-”
I cut him off. “He called me too. He wants us apart and he wants to destroy us! He wants to send me away! Well fuck that Kells, let’s run away! We can make it out on our own. Come with me.” I urged him as convincingly as I could.
“Vic. I want to. But you have to come back first..” He started. And I was shocked. Doesn’t he get it?
“But if we run away then we can just start over. We can be together somewhere far away from all of this bullshit. We can be perfect. Don’t you want that? Don’t you love me the same way I love you?”
Why doesn’t he get it?
“Of course I do Vic. I need you. But I need you clean. The drugs they’re-”
“You don’t know what it’s like Kellin!” I yelled at him as my blood boiled over. “You don’t know what it’s like to be an addict!”
“But I fucking know what it’s like to be in a relationship with one!” Kellin screamed back.
*Click* I hung up.
Fuck that.