Chasing Rainbows

“So did you send it?” my little sister asked.

“Yeah I sent it.” I said softly. I had written a letter to Oli Sykes the front man of Bring Me The Horizon. “I hope he actually gets it and reads it.”

“He probably wont.”

“I know.” I muttered and went up to my room. I knew that there was a chance that he didn’t get it or that he didn’t read it but I had to keep a hope that he would get it. The letter wasn’t anything special really. I didn’t think so. I just told him that he was a big inspiration to me and that I looked up to him… but he got a lot of letters like that sooo… yeah nothing special.

Instead of getting depressed over something like that I logged onto my Tumblr and started laughing when I was met by a gif of Oli spazzing out. I could sit there for hours and just scroll through the random pictures that I saw and I never got bored with it. I was easy to entertain. I loved seeing the random gifs of people failing and the many pictures of fan art and band lyrics. I had only been to one concert before and I had felt comfortable there. Tumblr and that concert were really the only two places that I had ever felt comfortable in my own skin.

I had given up on going to school so I was in all online classes and was set to graduate one year early. Which means that I was going to graduate this year. Oh yes I was excited as hell to be done with it. What was I going to do after high school? I have no freaking idea but I will tell you when I figure it out. I had dropped out of public schooling because the bullies would shove me into lockers and pretend to run me over with the gigantic trucks they drove. It made me so nervous to go to school that I would have silent panic attacks where I would just shrink in on myself as I was walking through the halls and I would stop breathing. But if you asked anyone who had talked to me I was the confident girl that spoke her mind. I wish I was like that.

No one knew why I stopped going to school and no one understood why I stopped talking to all of my friends. I wish they could understand that it took everything in me to even go outside and check the mail. I was just to fucked up in the head. It had gotten to the point where me and my mom would get into fights because I wouldn’t go out in public. She thought I was suicidal but I was doing everything I could to avoid getting like that again.

“Anna will you come to the store with me?” my mom asked. I turned in my swivel chair and looked at her with a ‘really?’ expression and shook my head. “Anna this isn’t healthy.”

“It is healthier than being out in public where people can run me over with their trucks and throw shit at me out of their windows.” I countered and maybe I was being dramatic but I had lived that drama and I did not want to repeat it. She rolled her eyes and shut my bedroom door. I turned back to my desk and pulled out my notebook.

Day 27: I haven’t been outside in twenty seven days. It makes me sad that I don’t have the guts to go outside. Savanna keeps messaging me on Facebook wondering where I disappeared to. I wish I could tell her but I am not even sure. Yes I am in my room physically but mentally I have no idea where I am but I don’t think that it is good. I don’t want to drag her down with me. I finally figured out how to send my letter without having to go outside. I waited until the mailman got here then I opened the door and handed it to him. He looked at me funny but whatever everyone looks at me funny.

Yeah I kept a journal of my pathetic life. I figured that it would make a nice little suicide note when I finally died. Wow that made me sound suicidal. Lets get something clear. I am not currently at the moment wanting to die but I used to. Right now I am undecided.