Heart Broken

You can't remember another time where you cried about him without it being caused by a letter. You always thought that they were the only thing related to him that could deeply hurt you, but you were wrong. A simple phone call, I remember how you thought that it was bullshit when people would say that a simple phone call changed their life, but now, you need to admit that it can happen, because it happened to you.

It's your phone that pulled you out of the slumber your cries made you crash into, you were sure that it was him, him telling you that he's coming home soon, him telling you that he'll soon be with you again, and you were already prepared to act happy when instead you just wanted to lock him outside and never allow him come back home, that was before you picked up the phone and before the person on the other side of the line talked to you, now you're just crushed. You need a letter, you just know that he couldn't let you alone in this world without one, you hope that he had that reflexion at the time when he did the box because it's your only solution to be able to go on with your life.

Open this when I left you alone. You hurry so much to open it that you almost tear it appart, but you could care less about what happens to the letter, you just want to be able to read the words he layed down on the paper.

Dear Michael,

You only read one line, one stupid as fuck line and you started to cry again, and it's not because you learnt something sad, not yet, not due to this letter atleast, but just by his tone, you can tell that it's actually serious, but mostly, it finally hits that the doctor didn't lie to you, your biggest nightmare really did happen.

Just know that I love you, with all of my heart. But if you are reading this letter today, it's because I finally dared to do just what you probably have been wanting and waiting for, for months, even if I already know that you won't dare to tell me all of that, but I know it, by your gesture toward me, I can actually tell how much I disgust you, just by your act toward me. I know that if you are reading this letter today is because you had my doctor's call. I love you. Forever. I just hope I got to hug you close to me one last time. Because I love you too much to let you go by myself. But I know that if I succeded, it's because you already let go of me.

~Forever yours,
Jack.

But it's when you see the tears, his tears, pretty much everywhere on the letter that it sticks into your brain. The doctor, what you wished to be just a nightmare, is just the complete and honest trust.

Hey,
It's doctor Montgomery, it's about Jack Merideth, he said that you were the first and only person that had to be called about this, I just wanted to say that i'm so sad that you couldn't be here today with him, but Jack told me that you were too busy to come so I just wanted to tell you exactly what he told me to say to you, he says that he loves you and that he can't live without you, but that he also can't live with you, not anymore, not with you not touching him, not with you falling out of love with him. This is why he chose the asisted suicide option. Because it would make him disapear from your life, so in the end make you happier.

Just remember that he loves you, too deeply that even his death won't be able to erase his feelings for you.

You just can't believe it. You just want to pick up the box and throw it everywhere. You just want to destroy every memories with him. You can't believe you let him stay with you, you let him love you, but you let yourself love him too, and it's not something you can reverse. But the problem now is that you're stuck to much into your pain to reconize anything else. You need another letter, one that contains him please. You would pay so much to he able to hold his tightly today. You were so scared of what would happen to yourself if you hugged him, due to that, you never actually did it, and now, you pay the price, in tears, just like he payed the price so many times before and still stayed by your side.

Open this letter when you doubt my love for you. You imidiatly stop searching once you find that enveloppe. You think that it's the one you wish for. The one that will make you feel loved, because you just need it at the moment.

But how could it even help, you are the reason why he is dead today. But you're just sitting there complaining instead of reading the obiviously confort you need to feel better.

Just remember that I was ready to marry you when you weren't.

There is pictures that are falling on you, there is only one sheet this time.

You remember how I asked you to be mine, years ago, on top on your favorite building and you said no pretendind to be too young and not with the right person for you.

But what hurts you the most, deeply and emotionaly is the ring, the broken ring, the one you broke, out of pure anger because he asked you to marry him, you couldn't believe he could be so selfish that night, but the ring is still there, broken and shattered, just like his heart was, but he kept it, just like he kept his love for you alive in his heart when it could've died years ago.

You surely remember that night, how could you forget it, he asked you to marry him, and you said no. No.

It was your only life goal and you said no.

You spent an hour that night pointing out reasons why you and him couldn't happen, but that, and many little other steps leaded to the phone call you got today.

The most crucial one being the only thing he wanted before disapering, a hug that you refused him due to how scared you were to catch his sickness.