Minnesota Girl

Guilt is a cold-hearted bitch. I wholeheartedly believed that now. It had been nearly a week since my late night talk with Billie Joe, and I was still feeling guilty over the fact that I didn’t fully believe his kind and thoughtful words. I really just felt like shit. I wanted to believe him, because I knew deep down that he probably meant every word he said, but there was still a small part of me that was full of doubt. I had thought that maybe I was over thinking everything, and that maybe this was all stemming from my shitty relationship with Rob. He wasn’t very affectionate with kind words or at all for that matter, so Billie Joe’s feelings toward me were a little foreign and strange to me. I felt like any normal girlfriend would be ecstatic to know exactly how her boyfriend felt about her, but with me, I was more concerned with whether or not he was telling the truth. How fucked up is that? I needed to make everything right soon, because the guilt was bugging me to the point that I was starting to act a little weird around him. I didn’t think he’d really noticed, but a certain someone else sure had. Billie Joe and Mike had just left for one of the last studio sessions for the album, and the second the front door closed, Sheena turned to me hastily.

“What the fuck is up with you?” She asked, clearly not wanting to beat around the bush. Her hands instantly went to her hips, putting me in the mind of my late mother. I stayed seated on the couch, avoiding her harsh gaze all together. “And don’t say nothing because I know it’s something.” She added. I twiddled with the soft blanket I had draped over my legs and tried to think of the easiest way to explain my thoughts.

“Okay, so the other night when Billie Joe and Mike came home late after recording, Billie Joe started talking to me, and telling me that I make him happy and that he’s the happiest he’s been in a long time.” I began. Sheena quirked an eyebrow at me.

“So?” She deadpanned. I licked my lips and sighed.

“I just don’t believe him.” I confessed. The guilt I had been feeling started to rise and I almost couldn’t believe I had said it out loud. Sheena frowned.

“What do you mean you don’t believe him?” She questioned. I sighed loudly and laid back against the couch.

“I just, I want to believe him, but there is a part of me that has doubt. It’s fucked up, I know. I feel like shit.” I mumbled into the pillow beside me. Sheena, now looking not as stern, sat down on the coffee table in front of me.

“You need to talk to him about it then. You’ve been acting really strange around him the past few days. I don’t think he’s noticed, but if you keep it up, he will.” She stated.

“I don’t want to hurt his feelings.” I said softly. Honestly, I would rather feel all of this guilt if it meant he wouldn’t get hurt. Sheena sighed again.

“I’m sorry Sadiekins, but it’ll probably hurt him a little bit either way. You just need to break it to him in a gentle way.” She comforted.

“I am such a shitty girlfriend.” I groaned. Yes, I was giving into a slight pity party, but I really just needed it for a moment. Sheena rolled her eyes.

“You are not. You just had a really shitty boyfriend that ruined everything.” She half joked.

“Tell me about it.” I mumbled. What pissed me off the most about the whole situation, was that I was still letting Rob control me without even being around him. I hadn’t spoken to him in well over two years and it really wasn’t much of a concern until now. I still have a lot of pent up anger and frustration towards him that I’d never fully let go of. Which is why I was having such a difficult time adjusting to the possible strong feelings I had for Billie Joe and the trust issues that recently have come up. Trust, to be such a small word, it was a pretty big fucking deal. I was learning that in more ways than one.

After talking to Sheena, my mind was racing with thoughts on how to talk to Billie Joe and what to say. I knew that keeping everything bottled up would eventually result in an explosion that could ruin everything in our relationship and I didn’t want that. I really did care about Billie Joe and didn’t want to lose him over something that I could fix. I was just being paranoid and needed to get a grip. I paced my bedroom that we had been sharing for the past few months now. His t-shirts scattered the room and my bed smelled like him,constantly reminding me of how much I did like him. He was becoming very special to me and I couldn’t imagine why on earth I would doubt his intentions. But then I would be reminded of Rob and instantly remember why. Being cheated on is the most disheartening, low and disgusting thing anybody could ever do to a person. In the end, you’re left feeling like someone else was giving them what you couldn’t. You feel like you weren’t good enough. It sucks. It wasn’t Billie Joe’s fault that I felt this way, but I couldn’t really help it either. I sighed loudly as I fell back onto my bed; missing Tux’s sleeping body by an inch. Billie Joe and Mike would be home in a few hours and I was somewhat dreading it. I knew that I didn’t need to put this off any longer and would have to talk to him tonight. I still wasn’t sure what I was going to say to him. My stomach was at war with butterflies and I felt like a complete and total mess.

~***~

“Kiss me.” Billie Joe practically begged for the third time since he had been home. I had been trying to pretend in a way that nothing was wrong or out of the normal, which was proving to be more difficult than I had thought. I felt wrong for letting him believe that everything was okay. I leaned up slightly, and brushed my lips against his. He looked at me in surprise. “C’mon, a real kiss.” He pouted. I felt another twinge of guilt as I pressed my lips fully to his. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to kiss him, I did want to, but I couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed with guilt when I did. He smiled down at me when we broke apart. I felt my heart sink. The thought of that smile fading away because of me was almost too much to handle. Billie Joe and I were currently seated together on the couch, watching mindless television. His fingertips were dancing up and down my knee, which I had stretched out across is lap, making chill bumps rise with every touch. He noticed, and chuckled lightly as he continued.

“Stop it.” I giggled as I pushed his hand away. He smirked and moved his hand lower, to my foot. I raised an eyebrow. “You are heading towards dangerous territory, love.” I warned. He watched my face for a reaction as his fingers trailed lightly over the bottom of my foot. My eyes widened and almost instantly, my foot kicked forward, nailing him right where it hurts.

“Shit!” He wheezed breathlessly, grabbing his crotch as if it would stop the pain. My eyes widened and I instantly started to apologize.

“Oh, Billie Joe! I’m sorry!” I rambled while trying to hug his pain away. I hadn’t meant to kick him in the groin, it sorta just happened before I could stop it. He groaned and continued to sit slumped over, eventually laying his head in my lap. “I warned you.” I comforted, trying to lighten the mood a little.

“Shut up.” He mumbled against my leg. I was about to start another string of apologies when I heard Sheena’s footsteps coming up behind the couch. She frowned and eyed me suspiciously when we came into view.

“Is he alright?” She questioned. I nodded my head and grinned.

“He’s okay.” I told her, while patting his head. She shrugged and flipped her hair over her shoulder, making me notice that she was dressed fairly nice. I raised my eyebrows. “Going somewhere, Lady Di?” I joked.

“Ha ha very funny. Mike and I are going on a date. Which means that you guys could put this empty place to good use.” She hinted suggestively as I cut my eyes at her.

“I don’t think that would even possible now.” Billie Joe groaned as he sat up. Sheena gave me a confused look as I got up off the couch and practically shoved her into the kitchen. I kept my voice low to make sure Billie Joe couldn’t hear us.

“You can’t leave us alone tonight! I need support!” I hissed. I couldn’t believe Sheena would leave me to completely fend for myself, knowing that I could need her. Sheena shook her head.

“Sadie, you have to do this on your own. He’s your boyfriend.” She scolded. My eyes darted towards the living room as Sheena’s voice had gone an octave higher, to find Billie Joe still in the same spot, staring ahead at the television. I couldn’t think of what could be worse, him overhearing us or me having to talk to him about it alone. I sighed mentally. I was being pathetic at this point, what was I so afraid of? The worst that could happen is him dumping me over it. I hoped that it wouldn’t come to that.

“You’re right.” I sighed. “You’re right. This is my problem and I’m the one that needs to fix it.” I said while leaning against the kitchen counter. I needed to get a grip and fast. I mean, this is Billie Joe, he’s pretty laid back, he’ll understand. Or at least I was trying to convince myself that he would.

~***~

It was painfully quiet between the two of us when Mike and Sheena left to go on their date. We had remained seated in the same spot on the couch, barely removing our gazes from the television for the last hour and a half. Oh yeah, we were really getting somewhere. I looked over towards the kitchen, trying to distract myself for a moment from the awful conversation I knew that I’d be having soon. Billie Joe had been very quiet and I couldn’t tell if he was still pain or just really into the show playing out on the screen.

“Is your junk okay?” I finally asked, hoping to get some kind of reaction from him. He cut his eyes playfully at me and nodded.

“Yeah, just remind me to never touch your damn feet again.” He mumbled. I giggled.

“Hey, I warned you and you just decided to be a smart-ass and do it anyway. It’s your own fault.” I chided while standing up and walking towards the kitchen. I was mentally trying to prepare myself for the conversation that was about to be at hand. As I opened the refrigerator door, an unopened case of Heineken was the first thing to catch my eye. Sheena must have bought it earlier today, thinking that she’d be home. I thought for a moment and wondered if things would be easier if Billie Joe had a beer or two in him before I talked to him. Could possibly soften the blow. “Hey, do you want a beer?” I asked, hoping his answer would be yes. He looked back at me from the couch and smiled.

“Uh, yeah, sure. I didn’t know we had any.” He replied. I grabbed the first one and hesitated for a second. I didn’t usually drink, but strangely, I felt the overwhelming need to tonight. Maybe one would settle my nerves, I gripped the second bottle tightly as I walked back over to the couch. “Thank you.” He replied while taking the bottle I offered him out of my hand. He raised an eyebrow as I sat down next to him and smirked. “Who are you and what have you done with Sadie? Are you seriously drinking with me?” He laughed. I rolled my eyes as I twisted the cap off and took a small sip. It wasn’t the best thing I had ever had, but if it calmed my nerves, I was all for it.

“Fuck you.” I mumbled against the top of the bottle. Billie Joe’s shoulders shook as he laughed.

“Oh, I would believe me, I would but I think you ruled that out for a while.” He said while sipping his own beer. That’s when I felt another pang of guilt, and before I knew it, I was drinking the beer in gulps and had nearly finished the bottle before I noticed Billie Joe staring at me. I looked down, probably blushing and set the bottle down on the table. I then quickly decided that if I was going to talk about my problem, I was going to need another one.
~***~

I couldn’t quite remember the moment that I told myself ‘just one more beer’ was a good idea. At this moment in time, I was four beers in and three sheets to the wind. I didn’t think I had even been this drunk before. The television screen was making me see double and I noticed in my peripheral vision Billie Joe’s hand gingerly grabbing the bottle out my hand and sitting it on the coffee table. I could hear him laugh as I reached for it again. “I think you’ve had enough, Sadie.” He chuckled. I shook my head went to stand up, suddenly feeling the need to walk around.

“I don’t think you’ve had enough.” I giggled, determining that I was indeed a happy drunk. I laughed when I nearly fell over the coffee table, while Billie Joe scrambled to keep me on my feet. “I should do this more often.” I giggled against his chest. I felt great and didn’t have a care in the world. More importantly, guilt was far away from my mind. I pecked his lips quickly before turning towards the coffee table, and very wobbly went to stand on it. Billie Joe raised his eyebrows, watching me carefully. I placed my feet apart slightly and mimicked someone holding a guitar. “Guess who I am!” I chirped, while shuffling my feet slightly as I pretended to strum my air guitar. Billie Joe stared at me, and looked at me amused.

“I dunno, who?” He questioned. I blinked to bring him back into focus, as I was beginning to see double again and laughed.

“I’m you silly Billie!” I exclaimed, while laughing at my own play on words. Billie Joe smirked.

“Really, now? Well, if you’re me, then you should sing a song.” He challenged. I froze, because at this moment, I’d be lucky if the wordss to “Mary Had a Little Lamb” came to mind, let alone one of his. In my drunken state, I thought hard until miraculously a song came to mind. I began to sing loudly and very much off key, Take me to the tracks at Christie Road! Billie Joe began to laugh hysterically as I shuffled my feet and began jumping around. Had I not been drunk, this would have been really embarrassing. Billie Joe was bent over, holding his stomach when I miss judged the length of the coffee table and slipped in my sock clad feet.

“Sadie, be careful!” Billie Joe exclaimed as I went sailing into the bookcase. I wasn’t sure what I had hit, oh but I was certain that I had definitely hit something. My head throbbed as I attempted to sit up. I winced as I reached up to feel my forehead, only to find a warm, wet substance on my fingers. Before I knew it, Billie Joe had me on my feet and was holding my face to examine my very recent head wound. If the room wasn’t spinning before, it definitely was now. “Oh, baby you really did it this time.” He said softly, making me wince as he gingerly touched my forehead. “Does anything else hurt?” He asked as he lead us out of the living room and into the kitchen. He helped lift me up onto the counter and I tried not to fall over.

“Nothing else ‘urts.”I slurred. The whole room was spinning at this point and I had to try and focus on not falling and smacking my face on the kitchen floor. Billie Joe kept his hand on my shoulder as he leaned over to run the hand towel that had magically appeared under the kitchen faucet. He really was so sweet. And cute, don’t forget cute, Sadie! Thoughts were flashing back as to why I had started drinking tonight in the first place and suddenly I was overwhelmed with sadness. Apparently, I was an emotional drunk as well. Why would someone as sweet as him like me? I wasn’t good enough for Rob, so why would I be good enough for him? Maybe he was just sticking around until I finally did put out. Briefly, my mind flashed back to that night Billie Joe kissed Bambi and thoughts began to enter my mind I was desperate to keep out. Maybe he was just another Rob in a different package? Maybe he was hooking up with Bambi and that was why he wasn’t bugging me for sex. Maybe it really was all an act.

“This is probably going to sting.” Billie Joe whispered as he gently pressed the cloth to my head. He was right, it did sting. A lot. “I don’t think this is going to require a trip to the emergency room, but you’re definitely going to feel this in the morning.” He chuckled. By now the only thing I was feeling was paranoia, it could have been the alcohol, but it was bubbling up inside of me.

“Do you really like me?” I blurted out. It came out before I could even think and my drunk brain was taking over. Billie Joe removed the cloth from my head and gave me a confused look.

“What do you mean? Of course I like you.” He answered.

“No, I mean, like do you, like really like me or is it an act?” I slurred, wondering if what I was saying made sense. Billie Joe frowned.

“Where is this coming from? Are you really that drunk?” He questioned. I blinked to focus my vision and tried to find my words.

“The other night, you-you said that, that you were the happiest you had been in a long time. It- it can’t really be because of me.” I confessed. “I mean, at least if you had chosen Bambi that night you’d be getting something out of this.” My mind was becoming hazy and I was beginning to have a hard time focusing, but when Billie Joe’s eyes met mine, I could see the hurt that flashed across his face. Even in my drunken state, I could see it and it was just as bad a I imagined it would be. Suddenly, the hurt was replaced with anger. Not exactly what I was expecting.

“You should go to bed.” He whispered, while placing the cloth in the sink. I was surprised, I expected a lot more than that. Billie Joe pulled me down off the counter and started to guide me towards my bedroom. I drunkenly tried to pull away.

“N-no I, I want to talk to you.” I practically begged. Billie Joe pulled me into my room and shook his head as he carefully and with slight force, pushed me onto the bed.

“Go to bed, Sadie, you’re drunk.” He said huskily as he pulled the comforter over me. I couldn’t deny that my Heineken filled body wanted sleep, but I also wanted to talk to him. “We’ll talk tomorrow, I’m not about to have this conversation when you might not even remember it.” He mumbled, kicking his messy clothes on the floor with his foot. I didn’t know what he meant by “this conversation” and I wasn’t so sure I wanted to know. I could tell that we weren’t going to solve this right now, so I opted to take his suggestion. He started to leave the room and I couldn’t help but feel like I had just fucked myself over. There were no kisses, no whispering sweet nothings, nothing like I the night he had brought me home from work. In a matter of minutes, the relationship we were slowing building was tumbling down fast. Good going, Sadie. This is so much better than guilt.