These Four Words

To Kelsey Hayworth, there’s no greater feeling than falling in love. The feeling of being wanted, being loved and cherished was all she ever wish for and she got it all from the charming and charismatic John O’Callaghan. Known for his notorious behavior of breaking girls’ heart and one-night stands, John finds himself happy and content with Kelsey so with a leap of faith, he gave her his heart and she gave hers in return. John was considered ‘whipped’ by the rest of his band mates because of the way he changed once he met the beautiful brunette on a coffee run. It was a cliché, falling in love with the girl that you met in a coffee shop, but it was a pleasant cliché for John, he felt emotions he had never felt before and he was definitely taken aback with the whole thing. Because to John O’Callaghan, there’s no greater fearthan falling in love.

Nobody would think that a ladies man like John would be in a steady relationship with a girl, let alone making it for 5 years, but Kelsey made it happen. For 5 years Kelsey had gone through literally every curveball life has thrown her, from being apart for months on end to groupie threats, she had gracefully survive it all. But nothing could have prepared her when her perfect boyfriend ran out of love.

It was a scary thing for John when he started to realize that the spark was no longer there. It was frightening to know that he was no longer in love with Kelsey, he couldn’t bear to think life without her but he also couldn’t live with someone he has no feelings for anymore.

“John? Are you ready to order?” Kelsey asked with a familiar smile etched on her face, a smile that John could never get tired of seeing, until now.

“Yeah, sorry. Let’s get that waiter here.” John waved his hand to get the waiter’s attention. The couple sat on a beautiful restaurant in downtown Phoenix, the same restaurant he took her for their first date as boyfriend and girlfriend, the same restaurant he took her for their first year anniversary, the restaurant that had become ‘theirs’.

”John, where are we going?” Kelsey giggled when she felt John took her by the elbow, leading her out of the car.

“It’s a surprise, don’t peek!” He said making her giggle even more. John had forced Kelsey to put on a blindfold through the entire car ride, it has surprised Kelsey how she was not carsick because of it.

“Don’t let me fall, I swear if you do I’m going to kill you.” She muttered quietly, actually feeling scared for not being able to rely on her primary senses.

“I won’t, baby,” He whispered in her ear lovingly.

The couple walked a few steps before stopping abruptly, confusing her in the process.

“I’m going to take off the blindfold now, but keep them pretty eyes closed.” John said with an exaggerated southern tang.

Kelsey giggled and nodded, keeping her eyes closed as John carefully untied the black bandana he used as the blinds. Today was their first year anniversary and with the help of his band mates, he planned the perfect date for Kelsey. He took her to the first restaurant they went when they got together and surprised her with a gorgeous turquois vintage necklace that she never takes off.

“So, how was the tour? You haven’t talk that much about it.” Kelsey asked John with the same smile on her face, a sincere and happy smile which made John feel guilty about these feelings he felt for a while.

“It was great, you know, nothing’s much different.” He shrugged as he played with the end of his napkin.

“Oh come on! You toured with your best friends, what kind of shit did Halvo pull on this tour?” Her eyes lit up when she talked, she was full of fire and life, the exact opposite of John.

“Hmm, I don’t really feel like talking about it right now. Can we just eat? I’m starving.” He faked a smile and stared at the food that the waiter had brought moments ago.

John came home from their American tour just a few days ago, although they lived together, they haven’t actually catch up because all John did for the past few days was getting back for the lack of sleep he experienced during the entire tour.

“Baby, are you okay?” Kelsey asked with a concerned look on her face.

John reached out to squeeze her hand on the table. “I’m fine sweetie, now eat before it gets cold.” He smiled and she nodded.

John didn’t talk much during dinner; he mostly did what he did best, which is listening. Kelsey on the other hand, was talking non-stop, telling John everything that happened during his time away. She had just graduated university last year and started working at a local pediatrician as an assistant.

John knew how much she loves him, and that’s the part that was crushing him inside. Coming from a broken family, Kelsey was brought up with the thought that no relationship would ever last, she had built such high walls and John was the only one that could break them. Little does she know; he was also the one who has the power to break her heart.

John paid for dinner when the couple had finished eating; they got into John’s fire red ’67 Convertible Ford Mustang. This car was given to John by his father as a graduation present, Kelsey could remember the day he picked her up with the ‘Stang and how her stepfather gave John such a hard time.

”Good evening Mr. Colson, I’m here to pick up Kelsey?” John said a little intimidated standing in the sight of Kelsey’s stepfather.

“Are you asking or are you telling me? You don’t sound sure.” He replied in a low gruff voice, trying to sound mean for her daughter’s first boyfriend.

“Uh… I, uh… I’m telling, sir.” John replied, getting more and more nervous.

“You had the nerve to tell me, boy?” He raised his eyebrows, putting both his hands on his hips.

“Dad! Don’t scare him like that!” Kelsey came running from inside the house, saving John from further embarrassment.

“Bring her back before 10, not a minute late. Is that understood, boy?”

“Dad!” Kelsey shouted, trying to make her father stop scaring poor John.

“It’s fine Kels. Yes sir, understood.” John nodded in understanding.

“Good, now get out of here. Drive carefully!” Kelsey’s step dad warned them one more time before heading inside the house. John took Kelsey’s hand and escorted her towards his new car.

“I’m sorry about my dad, he’s just doing that to scare you.” She felt a sense of hotness creeping up her cheeks.

“It’s fine, I was kind of expecting it.” John shot her his crooked grin and opened the passenger car door to let Kelsey in.

“Nice car, new?” She inquired when John got into the driver’s seat.

“Yup, it’s from my pops. Sweet huh?” John wiggled his eyebrows, with that crooked grin still plastered on his face.

“Yeah, I’ve always wanted to feel the wind blowing through my hair as I go.”

“Well, I’m glad to be the first one to take you.” He shot her another grin and backed away from the driveway.

Kelsey wasn’t the only one taking a trip down memory lane whenever this car was used. John was trying to shake the memory away because he knew that it was all in the past. Nothing was the same anymore.

The drive to their apartment was silent, it was an awkward silent for John but Kelsey didn’t seem to notice anything wrong with the situation. She was enjoying the sights as they drove past the main road and onto the smaller streets on the way to their flat. When they arrive at the flat that they shared for the last 4 years, John’s heart felt heavy. He remembers the day they decided to get the place like it was only yesterday.

“Can you stop snapping at me? I was just voicing my opinion.” John muttered as he killed the car engine.

The couple had gone apartment hunting all day and apparently luck was not on their favor as it was probably the hottest day ever recorded in the summer. John and Kelsey had been circling Phoenix since 10 in the morning, they’ve gone through roughly 10 apartments but none of them seem to please both of them collectively because the apartments that Kelsey loved, John hates and vice versa.

“I just don’t get why you don’t like the last one. It was perfectly fine!” Kelsey slams the car door shut and stood with her hand acting as a shade, protecting her face from the unforgiving Arizona sun.

“It just doesn’t have a good vibe for me, you know how I am about those things. It’s going to be where we live for a very long time, Kels. I want it to be perfect.” He put his hand on her shoulder and gently pulled her closer to him.

“Fine, just look at this one.” She muttered and the couple went inside the apartment building to meet with the broker.

The apartment was a one-bedroom with charcoal colored brick walls that is paired with black wooden flooring all the way to the kitchen area and high ceilings. Kelsey instantly fell in love with the spacious apartment and was sure that this is the apartment she wanted.

Kelsey turned to John, who had a serious look on his face.

“Okay, before you start hating on this one, can you just please look at this place? It’s gorgeous! I swear if you don’t like this one I don’t even kno–“

“Baby” John cut Kelsey off and placed both of his hands on her shoulder. “I love it.”

“John? Are you going to get out of the car?” John snapped out of his thoughts when he heard Kelsey from outside the car, looking puzzled and annoyed.

“Yeah, yeah. Sorry.” John killed the engine and got out of the car. He draped his arm around Kelsey’s shoulder and the twosome walked inside their apartment building and inside their room.

Kelsey threw her purse onto the couch and went straight to the kitchen to cut up some fresh fruits for her to nibble on while working on her long overdue paperwork and John went to the bedroom to change. Kelsey felt something was off with John since he got back, he wasn’t as talkative, he was caught spacing out a lot and he didn’t show any form of affection towards her. And it’s eating up on her.

“Hey, you want some?” Kelsey offered John who just walked out from the bedroom with a change of clothes, an old baggy Tom Petty t-shirt with a pair of basketball shorts.

“No thanks, I just need some water,” He mumbled back, not really looking at Kelsey.

She sighed out loud after getting that response. “John, seriously what is wrong with you?”

“What? Nothing’s wrong, I’m fine.” He looked at her with a puzzled face and closed the fridge door.

“You’ve been spacing out, not really talking to me and it feels like you’re not here. What happened to you?” Kelsey put down the knife on the kitchen counter, feeling frustrated as she felt that the conversation was going nowhere.

“Nothing happened, I just… I’m just exhausted, I think I’m just going to go lay down.” John tore away his gaze and began walking to their bedroom, leaving Kelsey alone and even more frustrated than before.

The couple spent the next hour apart, doing their own stuff. John was in the bedroom watching TV and browsing the Internet from his laptop while Kelsey was working on her paperwork in the living room. Although she was occupied, she can hardly concentrate on her work. She felt like complete shit, she felt awful because it doesn’t matter that John was here because it feels like he hadn’t come home from tour. It’s shit because even though he’s here, she’s still doing her work alone, in the living room, constantly worrying about him.

Meanwhile in the bedroom, John was browsing his emails absentmindedly because his thoughts were occupied with Kelsey. He was wishing that tour were longer so he doesn’t have to come home and face the harsh truth but he knew that’s not how life works. He knew that he needed to do something about it soon, even though he was no longer in love with Kelsey, he still cared about her and he just couldn’t bare the thought of lying to her.

“Hey.” John snapped his head towards the door and smiled as Kelsey dragged her feet inside their cold, air conditioned bedroom.

“Hey, you done with work?” He asked Kelsey as he closed his laptop and set it aside.

Kelsey nodded. “I’m exhausted.” She groaned and threw herself onto the bed.

“Come here.” John patted the empty space next to him, motioning her to come closer. Kelsey scooted, closing in the gap between them. His tall, lanky body was soon tangled with Kelsey’s petite figure.

“Hey, I’m sorry about earlier. I just have a lot on my mind.” John mumbled into Kelsey’s head that was resting on John’s tattooed chest.

“It’s fine, you know you can talk about it right? I’m all ears,” She said softly, playing with the waistband of John’s basketball shorts.

“I know, I just don’t wanna talk about it now.”

Kelsey nodded and the twosome stayed quiet, watching the TV idly while laying comfortably in each other’s arms. She fell asleep not long after, feeling completely drained both emotionally and physically. John, on the other hand, was wide-awake and having a mental battle with himself.

He knows he had two choices: doing the right thing or to be selfish. Doing the right thing would meant hurting Kelsey and being there to witness it while being selfish would meant hurting Kelsey and getting away with it. But John knows that he couldn’t stay like this much longer, because when he feels, he shows and Kelsey is a very sensitive person, soon she would notice John’s empty and vacant heart.

Being in a 5-year relationship, they have learned to tolerate each other’s unpleasant behavior. Kelsey learned to not make a fuss about John’s habit of smoking and drinking as long as it wasn’t out of line, while John learned not to be a pest when it comes to Kelsey’s working hours at the hospital. But there is one thing that John can’t handle until now: crying. He hates it when Kelsey cry, not because he thinks it’s childish or annoying but he hates it because it hurts him to see her like that. By doing the right thing, seeing Kelsey cry is inevitable and was bound to happen.

John looked to his right and saw the time, 3:14 AM, then he turned to his left where Kelsey was sleeping soundly and took a deep breath. He knows she’s going to hate him no matter what he did so he slowly untangle her arms from his body and slowly stood up, taking quiet steps to the other side of the room where his suitcase was sitting.

Since he just got back from tour, most of his clean clothes were still packed, so John took random stuff from his side of the wardrobe and stuff it inside his suitcase. After gathering the necessities and a change of clothes, he walked to the study desk and scribbled a note before sticking it on his side of the pillow.

John stood over Kelsey, taking one good look before leaving. “I’m so sorry, I hope someday you can forgive me,” He whispered, trying to hold back the tears that were threatening to fall. He gave her a soft kiss on her forehead, gently so that she wouldn’t wake up and walked out the door, not bothering to look back.

The next morning, Kelsey woke up to an empty bed. Confused and sleepy, she sat up and rubbed the sleep off her eyes. She gazed around her room only to realize that the apartment is unusually quiet. Normally John’s singing would fill the entire apartment or the new Ryan Adams record would be blasted on the speakers, annoying her to bits.

She threw her legs off the bed and dragged it out the bedroom. “John?” She called out as she walked to the kitchen.

“John!” She called out again, this time louder than before.

Feeling frustrated, she rushed back to the bedroom and grabbed her phone from the charger next to her bed. She dialed John’s number and as she waited, her eyes fell on a piece of paper that was stuck on John’s pillow. She hung up her phone and went to the other side of the bed, snatching the note and began to read.

I can’t take my heart someplace it won’t go.
I don’t love you.

I’m sorry.