Come Home

Day 182

It's been six months since Ryan last saw Dan. Six excruciatingly long months. Sure, they exchanged letters and video chatted a couple times but it just wasn't enough. Ryan wanted, needed to hold Dan.

It just wasn't the same without Dan around. The house was eerily quiet, their bed was too big now, and Ryan's heart was near empty. Ryan missed his boyfriend.

Ryan never wanted Dan to leave. In fact he begged Dan not to go. He begged and he pleaded but he knew neither had control of the situation.

Ryan remembers the night Dan told him the news. Their three year anniversary was coming up so when Dan took Ryan out to dinner at one of the fanciest restaurants in town, the very same one they had their first date at, Ryan thought he was going to propose.

Dan had been acting weird and fidgety in the days leading up and Ryan thought the only reason it could be was because Dan was going to pop the question.

Oh, how wrong he was.

They ate their meal in near silence which Ryan found odd because they always found something to talk about. Dan looked nervous the entire time. He pulled at his clothes and bounced his leg up and down anxiously. Then as they waited for dessert, Dan finally spoke.

"Babe, you know I love you, right?" Dan began, fiddling with his tie. Ryan nodded, trying hard not to smile. This was it. The moment was just right. They sat in candle light, soft classical music playing in the background. Dan took Ryan's hands in his. "Before I do his, I need you to promise you'll let me finish before you say anything."

"Ok, Dan. I promise. Go ahead." Ryan tried to hide the excitement in his voice. He could already picture it. They'd have a small backyard wedding, move out to the mountains, adopt two children, a boy and a girl, and live happily ever after.

"I'm getting deployed." Dan said and Ryan's entire body shut down. He couldn't have heard that right. His mood went from excited and hopeful to scared and devastated with those three words.

"No." Ryan whispered, shaking his head. "No, you're not."

"Ry, you promised to let me finish. Look, I know-"

"No." Ryan repeated. "You're not leaving, Dan. You can't."

"Ry-"

"No!" Ryan's chair scraped the floor loudly as he stood. Dan looked around at all the others watching them and reached for Ryan.

"Sweetheart, please calm down." Dan said quietly. But Ryan couldn't calm down. His heart was pounding in his chest and his breathing became shallow. He was about to have a panic attack in front of this whole restaurant. "Ryan, sit down." Dan said.

Ryan ran instead. He ran out of the restaurant into the cold February night. His eyes were blurred from tears and he wasn't sure where he was going.

Deployed. The word echoed in Ryan's head.

Dan joined the army when he was 18, a decision Ryan strongly disagreed with. That was near the beginning of their relationship and Ryan was only 16 at the time.

Ryan always knew there was a chance Dan would get deployed but he tried to push the thought far from his mind. Only about 50% of soldiers are sent to war, right? He tried not worry about it but now this was happening.

Ryan wasn't sure how long he ran before strong arms wrapped around him. "No!" Ryan screamed, kicking his legs. Dan held on tightly as Ryan weakly pounded his fists on Dan. Dan waited patiently until Ryan lost his fight and fell limply against him.

"I don't want you to go." Ryan said, his face hidden in Dan's blue button up.

"I'm sorry."

"When?" Ryan croaked out.

"Next week."

Ryan and Dan spent almost every second of that week together. Even when Dan went to say goodbye to his family and friends Ryan tagged along. Ryan didn't even go to his classes, which Dan wasn't really happy with.

Ryan didn't sleep much either. He didn't want to miss a thing. Even after Dan would fall asleep, Ryan would stay up and watch Dan's chest rise and fall, quietly crying to himself.

Ryan cried a lot that week. Dan tried his best to comfort Ryan but there wasn't much he could do. Nothing Dan could say could make Ryan feel better except "I'm not leaving," but Ryan knew it would never happen.

Ryan's eyes barely left his boyfriend. He practically memorized everything about Dan. Every single hair on his head, the dimples on his face, his calm soothing voice. The way he walked, the way he talked, the way he laughed. He made sure he remembered the way Dan's lips felt on his and how warm Ryan felt when Dan held him.

February 9th, the day before Dan had to leave, Dan's mother threw him a going away party. They had a huge supper and drank and told funny stories. It was supposed to be a happy time but it still ended in tears.

The next morning, Dan's bus arrived at exactly 5am. Ryan knew this moment was coming but it didn't make it any easier. Ryan clung onto Dan for about half an hour as they waited, crying into Dan's uniform. Dan petted Ryan's hair back, whispering sweet nothings in Ryan's ear.

When the bus stopped outside their house, Dan tried to pull away but Ryan refused to let go.

"Ryan, baby, I gotta go." Dan murmured.

"No."

"Yes." Dan picked up his bag from the floor and walked towards the door. Ryan held on to Dan, dragging his heels but Dan effortlessly pulled him along. "Let me go, Ryan." Dan said softly but firmly.

"No!"

Dan sighed and kissed Ryan on the lips, slow and passionate. Ryan fisted Dan's shirt, probably wrinkling it. There was a lump in his throat that he couldn't swallow.

There was a knock on the door. Dan gently pried Ryan away to answer it. Ryan felt cold from the loss of contact. On their front porch was a buff uniformed man. Him and Dan saluted each other.

"Are you ready, private Keyes?" He asked in a deep voice. Ryan wrapped his arms around himself, chewing on his bottom lip.

"Yes sir." Dan answered. The man took Dan's bag, glancing at Ryan.

"I'll take this. Let you finish your goodbyes."

"Thank you, sir." Dan turned back to Ryan as the man carried Dan's bag to the bus. Dan smiled sadly, cupping Ryan's face to wipe the tears away. "I'll be back before you know it."

"I'll miss you." Ryan's heart was breaking but he tried to be strong. But being strong was always Dan's job. He was Ryan's rock. What was Ryan going to do when Dan was gone?

"I'll miss you too, Ry. It's only a year."

"Yeah," Ryan laughed bitterly. " Only."

"I love you, Ryan. Can you hold onto that?"

"Y-yeah."

Dan kissed Ryan's forehead and took a step back. "Bye, Ryan."

As Dan walked away, Ryan felt his heart go with him. Ryan stood in the doorway and watched Dan climb on the bus. He took a window seat and smiled at Ryan through the glass. Ryan tried to smile back but he couldn't quite manage it.

The bus rolled away. Ryan kept his eyes on it as it got smaller and smaller until it disappeared around a corner.

For the next few days, Ryan was like a zombie. He had to force himself to get out of bed each morning to go to school. Whenever he was at work, as a barista at a coffee shop, he was spaced out. His friends tried to cheer him up by taking him out but Ryan wasn't into it.

Just four days after Dan left was February 14th. Valentine's Day, which also happened to be their three year anniversary. Ryan doesn't think he'd ever been more miserable.

It was a Saturday and Ryan didn't have school or work to distract him. He planned on laying in bed all day crying and wishing Dan was beside him.

There was a knock on his door around noon. He almost didn't answer it. It was probably just one of his stupid friends making more pathetic attempt to cheer him up.

To say he was shocked to see a giant white teddy bear and a bouquet of roses sitting on the front porch would be an understatement. Across the bear's chest was a sash that read "I love you." Ryan looked around frantically, hoping to see Dan standing in the bushes or something. While he wasn't surprised when he didn't see Dan, he was still disappointed.

Ryan smiled for the first time in days and picked up the flowers, the bear and an envelope he found underneath the stuffed animal. He sat down on the couch to open it. It was dated the 9th. When did Dan write this? Ryan was with him the whole day.

Dear, Ryan,

Happy Valentines Day/ anniversary, I wish I could be there to celebrate it with you. I love you so much, Ryan. I'm so happy I've gotten to spend the past three years with you. I still don't know how I got so lucky. You're so beautiful inside and out and every time I look at you, I fall even more in love and I know I want to be with you forever. I know we're apart right now but I promise I'll always love you. Please don't worry about me. I'll be ok. I'm going to come home to you and we'll have the rest of our lives to spend together.

love, Dan.

P.S. Go to Vinny's for a surprise.

Ryan put the letter down, wiping the tears from his face. He followed Dan's direction and drove to their friend Vinny's place.

Ryan's surprise? A cute Bengal kitten. Ryan released a high pitched scream and scooped up the ball of fur in his arms. Vinny stood beside Ryan, smirking.

"I wish I got that squeal on camera." He said. "Dan would have loved that."

"Did Dan... Is this...how did..." Ryan couldn't finish a single question. He was too damn excited.

"Yes, Dan got you a kitten. He's yours."

Ryan held the kitten up to his face kissing his nose a few times. Dan was the sweetest boyfriend ever. Dan knew Ryan has always wanted a Bengal but they were way too expensive.

"Captain Knots." Ryan said.

"Excuse me?"

"His name will be captain Knots."

Dan also left Ryan a little note that read "Now you don't have to be alone. Happy V-Day/3 year. Love you."

The first letter Ryan wrote to Dan was full of "Thanks you!" And "You're the best!"

Captain Knots really helped cheer Ryan up. He provided the distraction from Ryan's thoughts of Dan that he so desperately needed. But only for a while.

A few weeks went by and Ryan fell back into depression. He could barely get out of bed. He started failing his classes because he couldn't pay attention. He almost got fired from work three times for being late. He withdrew from his friends and he never even played with his kitten anymore.

He missed Dan like hell.

They first video chatted mid-April. Ryan tried his best to pull himself together before he got on camera. He didn't want Dan to see how big a wreck he was so he put on the biggest smile he could muster up. Dan saw right through him though.

"I just miss you so damn much." Ryan said when Dan called him out on it.

"I miss you too. But, babe, you can't be miserable for the next nine months." Captain Knots jumped on the bed and tried to walk on the keyboard. Ryan grabbed the cat and placed him in his lap.

"Knots, don't you want your daddy to be happy?" Dan said. The cat meowed, kneading on Ryan's leg. "See? Knots doesn't want you to be sad either."

"I can't help it! You're a million miles away fighting in a god damn war! I'm so scared, Dan."

"Don't be. I'm ok. I will come home to you, Ryan. I have to go now but I promise I'll talk to you again soon. I love you, Ryan."

"I love you too, Dan."

Ryan tried to shake it off and get back into this swing of things. He made up all his school work in time to pass at the end of the semester. He ended up getting fired from his job at the coffee shop but got another job a short time later as a waiter at a nice restaurant. He was payed more and got better hours so he wasn't too upset.

Ryan was actually starting to feel better, and then a few months later, he got the call. It was mid-August, just a few weeks before Ryan's birthday. Ryan knew as soon as he saw Dan's mom's name on his caller ID that something happened. Something bad.

"Dan got hurt." She said. Her voice was horse, like she'd been crying. "An officer came by. He said Dan's base was attacked... Shot up."

Ryan's heart stopped. His whole body began to tremble. Dan. Hurt. Shot up. [\i] It couldn't be true. Dan was ok. He had to be ok.

"Ryan? Are you still there?"

"I-I-I... Is he-"

"He wouldn't tell me Dan's condition." She said sadly. "It sounded bad." That's not what Ryan wanted to hear. "T-they said he was taken to a hospital and all we can do is pray."

And Ryan did just that. After they hung up, Ryan fell to his knee, closed his eyes, and prayed to God in the first time in ten years. He screamed and he cried and he begged God to let Dan be ok.

Ryan was back to miserable. He knew he should have tried harder to keep Dan here. He just knew something bad would happen.

Ryan was angry. Angry at the army for deploying him. Angry at the coward who attacked his base. Angry at Dan for making him go through this.

Ryan called Dan's mom everyday to ask of she heard anymore news. She never did. Vinny and a few other of his friends took turns checking in on Ryan. They made sure he was showered and fed and got him to work on time. Thank God school was out because Ryan couldn't of concentrated in class.

If it weren't for his friends, he would have stayed in bed and died of a broken heart (or starvation.) Now here he was, six months since Dan left, losing what was left of his sanity.

One Saturday, Ryan was sitting on the couch staring at the tv that wasn't even on. Knots was rubbing against his ankles but Ryan didn't pay him any attention. Ryan didn't even react when his door opened and his friends piled in.

"Happy birthday!" They all screamed.

Ryan blinked a couple times. Was that today?

"How does it feel to no longer be a teenager?" Ryan's friend Jeremy asked, sitting next to Ryan.

"The same." Ryan mumbled.

"Cheer up, Ryan!" Vinny said. "It's your birthday. Let's party!"

"Guys, I'm really not-"

"No, shut up. We're going to turn on some tunes, order a pizza, and party it up!"

And that's what they did. Well, everyone but Ryan. He didn't move from his spot on the couch. He really wasn't in the mood for this. How the hell did they expect Ryan to party when his boyfriend was across the world possibly dying?

Vinny tried to get Ryan to join in on the fun but Ryan declined. "You know, Ryan." Vinny began, "Dan would want you to be happy. If he could see you right now, it would break his heart."

"If he wanted me to be happy, he wouldn't have run off to war!" Ryan snapped. "But no! He did and now he's gone and gotten himself hurt. God dammit. He's such a selfish bastard! How could he do this to me? He promised he'd be ok!"

Everyone stopped to look at Ryan. The music was turned off and the room was now silent. Ryan hid his face in his hands and muttered, "Fucking asshole."

The doorbell rang but no one made a move to answer it. All focus was on Ryan.

"Ry-" Vinny said, touching Ryan's back. Ryan stood up.

"Pizza's here." Ryan said. He grabbed the money they had laid out earlier and answered the door. Ryan nearly collapsed. "You... You're not the pizza boy." He breathed out.

"Sorry to disappoint you, babe." Dan said, a smile on his face.

"You're here." Ryan dead panned.

Nothing was processing to him right now. Was this even real? Dan's left arm was in a sling and he was on crutches but he was alive.

"Yeah, Ryan. I'm here."

Dan dropped his bag and wrapped his good arm around Ryan. It was a little awkward because of the crutches but hell if Ryan cared.

"Dan." Ryan held Dan tightly, clinging to him as if afraid he'd disappear. "Dan." He repeated. He was crying now, soiling Dan's uniform. "I can't believe it. I thought you..."

Dan shushed Ryan, kissing the top of his head. "Happy birthday, Ryan."