Therapy

I hate hospitals. They're terrifying. The white walls, the sick patients, the empty feeling you get while walking through the halls, I hate all of it.
St. Maria's wasn't a hospital, it was a psych ward. I had never been to a psych ward before, but in the ten minutes I had spent in here so far, a hospital was looking like paradise.
Last week after I passed out in gym class for the fifth time this year, my mom decided I needed help. My disorder wasn't going away on it's own like she thought it would, so she decided to go to the extreme. She pulled me out of school and told me I was going here.
St. Maria's was an hour away from my home in Baltimore, and I would be staying here until I was completely recovered from my disorder. I had begged and pleaded for her to let me stay at home and just attend group therapy, but she refused to listen to any of my suggestions. She said god had spoken to her in a dream, and told her to send me here. It was apparently "God's will" that I attend St. Maria's. So now I was stuck here, 50 miles away from my friends and family. Woop-dee-fucking-doo.

"Jack? Jack are you listening to me?" My mom asked, waving her hand in front of my face. Shit, I had completely zoned out. Father forgive me for swearing. I have a really bad habit of swearing, which makes absolutely no sense considering I go to a catholic school where swearing is prohibited, and nobody I hang out with swears. I guess I kind of just picked up the habit. But I don't want to go to hell, so I try to keep it under control.

I looked down at my mom, who was at least half a foot shorter than me. "Yeah mom?" I replied, trying to act like I had been paying attention to whatever the hell she and the administrator, Dr. Thomas had been saying. "I'm going to leave now" She stated, taking my hands in hers. Like I care.
Okay, I did kind of care. I obviously loved my mom, I was just highly unhappy with her at the moment. "Okay whatever" I muttered, looking at the ground. "I'll be praying for you Jack, I love you" She whispered, squeezing my hands gently. I looked into her soft brown eyes, which were filled with sadness and remorse. "Goodbye mom, I love you too" I murmured, putting on my best fake smile for her. She gave my hands one last squeeze before turning and walking out of the office, her heels click clacking as she walked down the hallway.

I turned and faced the head of the school, really taking in her features for the first time. She looked like a wrinkly old bird, with a long pointy nose much like a beak, and beady little eyes that looked like they stared right into your soul. She didn't look the slightest bit friendly. I hate being judgmental, it's not very christian. But I often judge people without even realizing it. I had said a few words to her when I first came in, but then I zoned out. Now I was all alone with her.

"Have a seat Mr. Barakat, we must go over the rules" She demanded, gesturing to the seat in front of her large desk. She took a seat in her spinney chair, but she did not spin. I simply do not understand how one sits in a spinney chair and does not spin. But I guess Dr. Thomas isn't into spinning.
She reached into a drawer under her desk, pulled out a black pen, and picked her clipboard. "So Jack, do you know why you're here?" She questioned, her pen ready to write whatever I answered. "Because I have an eating disorder I replied quietly. For some reason, she really gave me the creeps. "Okay, and what are you hoping to accomplish while you are here?" She prodded, scribbling down some notes on her paper.

"Nothing you stupid hag, I refuse to recover from this disorder" Was what I wanted to say. I hated my body and I refused to listen to anyone who tried to make me eat. I was determined to skinny, so I could love myself. "I hope to have a successful recovery" I said with a smile. A fake smile, of course. I didn't even know what it felt like to really smile anymore.

She made a face that I think was supposed to be a smile, then pulled out a large packet and placed it in front of me. "This is the code of conduct here at St. Maria's, I'm not going to go over all the rules right now, you can read over some of them for yourself. I'm just going to state the basics" She announced, crossing her arms over her floral blouse. It was a hideous blouse.

"As you know, this is a Co-ed ward, so there will be both boys and girls at every activity. There around 20 other young adults here currently, all ranging between the ages of 12 through 17. Everyone is woken up at 8:30, and lights out is at 11:00. You will be sharing a room with one other male, most likely around the same age as you. There is to be no drug use, sexual activity, or violence while you are here. You must respect all therapists and doctors. Do you understand?" Dr. Thomas asked, looking me dead in the eyes. "Yes" I murmured, looking away so I didn't have to make eye contact any longer.

"Okay, let me show you to your room" She stated, grabbing her clipboard as she stood up. I stood up and slowly walked toward the door, waiting for her to lead me. She quickly cascaded over to the door, her heels clicking along the floor just as my mother's had. She began walking down a long hallway, passing a bunch of rooms labeled things such as "Blood work Lab" and "EKG Lab".
Those didn't sound like rooms I wanted to be in. We finally reached a large door at the end of the hall. She reached into her pant pocket pulled out a large key, and stuck into the lock hanging on the door. Wow, this place was some serious shit. Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
Once she got the door open, we headed into a large white room that somewhat resembled a waiting room. There were wooden chairs lined up along the walls, and there was a large wooden desk in the corner of the room next to another door. A young woman sat at the desk. She was blonde, and looked like she was in her late twenties.

"Jack, this is Alana. She is the head behavioral therapist, and this is the meeting room" Dr. Thomas explained, before heading over to the door by Alana's desk. "Alana is everyone in their rooms for down time?" Dr. Thomas asked the therapist. "Yes, Oli and Tony had another disagreement, but eventually Dr. Ramone got everyone into their rooms" Alana responded, clasping her hands together. Dr. Thomas sighed, then reached for the door handle. She pulled open the door and stepped into a large room that reminded me of my living room back at home. "Jack, this is the meeting room. We having group meetings here, group events, and you can just simply hangout here" She explained. There were plush couches, wooden coffee tables, and soft carpeting. In the corner of the room was a large flat screen TV. Maybe this place wouldn't be as bad as I expected.

Dr. Thomas took a sharp turn down another long and dull hallway. Each door in the hallway had a lock on it, and two name tags were taped to each door. The old woman finally stopped in front of a door at the very end of the hall. Taped to the door was a name tag that said "Merrick", and name tag that said my last name.

"This is going to be your room Jack, I'm now going to introduce you to your roommate Zachary" Dr. Thomas stated, pulling out the large key she had used to unlock the other door. The same key was seriously used for both doors? If a patient got a hold of that key they could be out of the building within less than 5 minutes.

I rolled my eyes as she opened the door, revealing a small white walled room. Inside the room there were two beds, one freshly made and neat looking, the other covered in clothing and magazines. A boy sat at the edge of the bed facing the wall. "Zachary, this is your new roommate, Jack" Dr. Thomas stated, still standing in the doorway. The boy slowly turned himself around and grinned. "Hey there, you can call me Zack!" He exclaimed, offering his hand for me to shake. "Hey" I replied shyly, shaking his hand gently. He had muscly arms and a brunette Afro that made him look like the dude from Napoleon Dynamite. "Well I'm going to let you two get to know each other, Jack you can put your clothing in the drawer next to your bed. Free time is at 4:00 and dinner is at 5:30" Dr. Thomas said to me, giving me one last sad excuse for a smile before shutting the door.

"So dude, why are you in here?" Zack asked, standing up abruptly. "Eating disorder and depression, you?" I asked, setting my backpack down on my bed. "Severe Panic disorder. Dude your like a walking stick, do you not eat anything at all?" Zack asked, looking me up and down. I turned away self consciously and began to unpack my bag. "Hey I didn't mean to upset you, I've just never met a boy with an eating disorder. My ex girlfriend had bulimia if it makes you feel any better" Zack apologized, sounding genuinely sorry. I turned around to face the boy.

"It's fine, I'm just very insecure. I have anorexia nervosa. I realized I had an eating disorder two years ago when I passed out in gym class freshman year. I hadn't eaten anything for a week. I was never a fat kid, I just really hated myself. I've lost over 30 lbs over the course of two years" I vented to Zack.

"Dude i'm so sorry, that sounds awful" He murmured, walking over to me. He nonchalantly pulled me into a bro hug, which I gladly accepted. I really did need a hug.

After I had finished unpacking all my clothing, Zack and I continued to tell each other more about ourselves until Free time. I learned that Zack started having panic attacks in the 6th grade, and continued to have them untreated all the way up until this year when his mother found him having one in his room. He was a pretty nice guy.

"Okay we all go meet in the meeting room before Free time to discuss how rest hour went, then we can do whatever we want for an hour and a half" Zack informed me as we waited for the door to our room to be unlocked. "Okay, do you know what we are having for dinner?" I asked, trying to stay as calm as possible. "No sorry dude, we don't find out until we all sit down for dinner" He replied sadly. Just then Alana appeared in front of our door. I heard the click of the lock, and Zack immediately grabbed the handle to pull open the door. "Thank god, I hate being in that small ass room" He groaned. I forgot to ask if Zack was a christian.

As we stepped out into the hallway, I could see at least six other boys farther ahead of us walking down the hall to the meeting room. I looked at the name tags on each door as we walked down the hallway. "Sykes", "Bokan", "Way", "Dawson", "Mullins", "Stump", "Preciado","Carlile","Perry, "Gaskarth". I followed behind Zack as we headed into the large room. I was overwhelmed by the sudden amount of people, and I began to look around at everyone.

Standing next to the TV was a girl with fiery red hair. She was deeply in conversation with a girl with light blonde pig tails, who was wearing a light blue dress. Sitting on the floor next to them was a boy wearing a black fedora. He was laughing at something the pale dark haired boy next to him had said. Sitting on the couch nearest to the TV was a boy with large tunnels and many tattoos. Next to him was a boy with shaggy brown hair.
I held my breath as I looked at the boy. He was wearing a black hoodie, black skinny jeans, and he had dark brown eyes. He was honestly one of the most beautiful human beings I had ever seen.